Thursday, February 16, 2012

True Beauty

A few days ago I was looking at some pictures on the computer with Claire. We came to this one. I asked her, "Who are these two pretty little girls?" She pointed to the little blond in the pink and black (herself) and said, "This one is not pretty."

That little comment broke my heart in two. I often tell her she is beautiful. Her daddy says it too. She is not compared to her sister. We dont tell Elizabeth she is pretty more often than we tell Claire. I talk to my girls so much about what it means to be "beautiful." I tell them beauty is about more than just what you look like on the outside or the clothes you wear. I tell them the truth about what God says is beautiful (1st Peter 3:4) ..." The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I have quoted that verse to them a gazzilion times. But still she thought she was not pretty.

I look at that picture and cannot even fathom why that little three year old girl could possibly think she is not pretty. Her little smile lights up a room. Her big blue eyes and long blond hair are the things women envy. But when she looked at that picture she saw herself as not measuring up. She said her dress was not as pretty as the other girls (Elizabeth). "And no one else in our family has light hair like me." (Her quote)

This made me think about how often I have looked in the mirror and thought, "This one is not pretty." Even though my hubby tells me I am beautiful often. Even though my parents have told me I was pretty. Even though I have memorized that verse from 1st Peter. I still look at myself and see that I do not measure up. I am not as thin or as nicely dressed. My hair is not quite right. My clothes are not stylish. My makeup looks a mess. I am not as pretty as that other girl. And it makes me wonder is God looking down and thinking exactly what I thought when Claire said that. "My sweet child if you only saw yourself through my eyes you would know you are beautiful."

I wonder if it makes His heart sad too when we compare ourselves with someone else and say that we have fallen short.

Psalm 139:14
" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well."

Friday, February 3, 2012


I had so much fun at my retreat last weekend. I came home rested and rejuvenated! And while I loved loved loved almost everything about the retreat (except the 17 hours it took to get there), I must admit it was hard to be around all these mommas who were sharing pictures of babies with dark skin and big brown eyes when my heart is dreaming of my own little guy. Its hard to hear stories of gotcha days and big ways that God provided when my heart is longing to see the end of our story. It makes the ache in my heart a little stronger and the yearning just a little more unbearable. I will admit I have been unusually teary the last week. I seriously started tearing up in line at the Christian book store because they were asking for child sponsorship and had pictures of little dark skinned babies posted to tug at your heart strings. I almost lost it and then I had to remind myself, "you are in public get a hold of yourself."

This aching is real and this longing I have for our child is hard. And sometimes when I look at all the 'facts" I get pretty discouraged. If I lean on my own understanding of the way this works out it seems impossible and like this thing will never work out well. And I will be honest, I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been looking at all the wind and waves and I have been drowning a little. But just like Jesus caught Peter when he was drowning (Matthew 14:22-33), He is really faithful to catch me.

I was having one of those drowning days on Wednesday. I was crying and venting to Todd. I love that my husband is so wise because he listened to my craziness and then he said, "God's work is done best when it looks impossible for Him to do it."

So for now my eyes are back on my God and off the waves. The view is much better here.

My heart is encouraged by these truths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."