mommyhood

Leaning

2012-02-03T13:56:00.003-05:00

I had so much fun at my retreat last weekend. I came home rested and rejuvenated! And while I loved loved loved almost everything about the retreat (except the 17 hours it took to get there), I must admit it was hard to be around all these mommas who were sharing pictures of babies with dark skin and big brown eyes when my heart is dreaming of my own little guy. Its hard to hear stories of gotcha days and big ways that God provided when my heart is longing to see the end of our story. It makes the ache in my heart a little stronger and the yearning just a little more unbearable. I will admit I have been unusually teary the last week. I seriously started tearing up in line at the Christian book store because they were asking for child sponsorship and had pictures of little dark skinned babies posted to tug at your heart strings. I almost lost it and then I had to remind myself, "you are in public get a hold of yourself."

This aching is real and this longing I have for our child is hard. And sometimes when I look at all the 'facts" I get pretty discouraged. If I lean on my own understanding of the way this works out it seems impossible and like this thing will never work out well. And I will be honest, I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been looking at all the wind and waves and I have been drowning a little. But just like Jesus caught Peter when he was drowning (Matthew 14:22-33), He is really faithful to catch me.

I was having one of those drowning days on Wednesday. I was crying and venting to Todd. I love that my husband is so wise because he listened to my craziness and then he said, "God's work is done best when it looks impossible for Him to do it."

So for now my eyes are back on my God and off the waves. The view is much better here.

My heart is encouraged by these truths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Since October

2012-01-19T14:41:00.003-05:00

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!

In the thick of it.

2011-10-27T16:29:00.005-04:00

I have not been a faithful blogger lately.

I have a lot of excuses.
I am really busy. With newly homeschooling our kiddos my time is extremely limited. I have to be much more intentional about what I do with each moment. It has taken some time to find a schedule that works for us. Like for instance, at first I admit I was wondering if I was ever going to find time to clean my shower again. (Not that I value cleaning my shower more than blogging. It is by far more fun to blog but there is something very soothing to my soul about taking a shower in a freshly cleansed area.) I have finally come to some sort of routine that seems to be working for us. And I even find there are a few moments where I have nothing planned that I could sit down and blog.

But then I think about what I will say. And this is where it gets tough. Do I say we are still on the waitlist? Do I say we still have 20 months until they say we could get a referral?

Do I just skip all the emotional turmoil swirling around in my head and tell you instead what the girls are being for Halloween? Not that I think its bad to blog about what your kids are dressing up as for Halloween. I will probably end up sharing that and sharing pictures because they are seriously so stinkin cute and they designed the costumes themselves.

But the truth is I long to share more but my heart aches and I am just not sure I can.

So here it is. This is me in the thick of it.

Some days and weeks go by and I barely think about it. (Well almost barely)

But there are other days and weeks when it hurts and it sucks and I just wish I knew when we were going to get to meet our son.

And in these moments I find myself leaning and flinging myself out on my God.

I read this the other day and it filled my heart with peace.

"When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say – What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God’s wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."- Oswald Chambers (My utmost for His Highest)

If I am a fool I hope it is in the sense that I trust my God and His timing impliciltly.

School is in session

2011-09-19T15:12:00.004-04:00

Last week we had our first official full week of homeschool. It was fun. It was chaotic. And I have a few thoughts on the whole issue. One thing is I have felt completely like our family is right where we need to be. Homeschooling is perfect for us right now. It works great. I have said over and over this is what we will do until it doesn't work any more. And right now it feels like the exact place, time and thing for our family.

That being said it is hard. It is a lot of work to prepare lessons that are fun and actually teach. On top of that we still have other parts of life. We are a part of a co-op that meets once a week with other homeschool families. And that has been really fun but it has been a challenge to navigate new material. I was beginning to wonder this week if my house was ever going to recover. It stayed a mess most of this week. Part of it was new schedules and trying to get everyone and all their stuff where we needed to be this week. And my normal cleaning schedule was the morning which is now filled with school. So I am trying to figure out how to do all the things I need to in our new schedule. And how to get done all those things I planned to get done.

I am also learning that I am going to have to say no to some things. I like to be liked. I am a people pleaser so to say no to people or things can sometimes be hard for me.

But on another note we checked out a church gathering last week that is being lead by some old friends of ours. During the gathering the speaker was talking about how all throughout the old testament God would say to Israel "I will be your God and you be my people." Israel would complain and demand their own way and God would say no. "I will be your God and you be my people."

I am learning that I cannot control things. I cannot do everything. And honestly I am a little scared to death of the thought of homeschooling my kids all this year, let alone throughout the rest of their lives. But I sat this afternoon with my Bible open and thought about those words the teacher said. And I prayed that God would be my God and I would be His people.

In the end I will probably disappoint someone. I will probably not teach my kids everything they should have learned. I will probably forget something really important. I will probably forget to do something I told someone I would do. My house will not be spotless. My kids will watch tv and eat junk food. But this one thing I want to get right. I want God to be our God and I want our family to be His people. And if my kids learn that I will count it a success.

Waiting Game

2011-09-08T16:53:00.006-04:00

August 31st, 2011. This is our official wait date. This means on that date we were added to the waiting list for our agency. We are being told that our soonest time we should expect a referral is June of 2013. Ugghhh. It seems so far away. But I know that our God has a perfect timing.

Here are some random thoughts of mine.

* God is faithful and could provide a referral sooner than that if he so chooses.

* God is faithful and if we wait two years or even more he will sustain and provide for us during our wait time.

* God has lead us every step of the way up to this point and I am not certain where this road leads but this is the path He has lead our family on. And He is faithful.

* I cannot wait to see my little guys face for the first time.

* I have plenty to do in the waiting time. Homeschooling, mothering, working, being a wife. I will be keeping busy. But my heart still has a little piece that is missing our baby boy.

*This week I have felt incredibly grateful that God has chosen our family to be entrusted with this task of adopting. This has been an incredibly hard journey and we have only just begun. But I have known God's provision, presence, and peace more throughout these past months than at any point in my life. And I can tell you with certainty that my God is faithful.

I am so filled with joy and gratitude to be able to say we are now officially paper pregnant!

First World Problems

2011-07-22T15:04:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I caught myself in a bit of a tantrum. Most of it was internal. But it was a tantrum anyway. I was irritated to start with because Claire lost one of her sandals. We were at my parents house for the day and Claire and Elizabeth went with my mom and dad across the street to swim at a neighbors. They came back and the kids laid down for some quiet time. Later, when it was time to leave, I started packing up our things and then I went to get the kids shoes. I found 3 shoes. Both of Elizabeth's were there but only one of Claire's. So then I began to search for the missing shoe. We were pretty sure that my parents new puppy had carried it off. I looked all over the house and after about 20 minutes of looking inside my mom went to look at the neighbors house. The shoe was nowhere to be found.

I left the house without the shoe. I was pretty irritated. Not with anyone but just aggravated. And to make matters worse it was 100 degrees outside. We were supposed to stop at the mall on the way home because I needed to return something. We went into the shopping center and I was carrying Claire because she was shoeless. Of course the moment we get into the store the kids need to use the bathroom. And it is pretty difficult to help a two year old use the potty while not being able to let her touch the ground. Needless to say poor Claire's little tush went into the toilet. I was feeling quite irritated and generally crabby. We finished our business and made our first stop at the discount shoe store to get sandals for miss Claire. We bought our sandals and made our return and left the mall.

Somewhere within this time frame God spoke truth into my heart. It was not audible. But it was clear. I need to be thankful for these problems. The reality is many people in the world live their whole lives without shoes. They cannot afford them. So they do without. My kid loses one and I can go right to the store and buy a new pair. Many people have no running water or toilets. Let me remember that the next time I complain about having to take my kids to the potty. How would I feel to have to take them to a hole in the ground? And then have to get water from the lake less than 20 feet away?

So as my crabby butt was driving my air-conditioned van on my way to my air-conditioned house I remembered that the majority of the world lives without these luxuries. My first world problems would be a blessing to many. Did that automatically make me less crabby? Not really. Did my mood get dramatically better? No. And I had to stop on the way home because Claire threw up in the car. Added joy, right?

But it does add perspective. And I am still chewing on that one.

Abide

2011-06-20T14:18:00.004-04:00

Emotionally I am in a rough place right now. My head is screaming this cannot be the right way, but then God speaks and says, "This is my way." We are still not "officially" wait listed yet. And everything within me is screaming and ranting about it. On the outside I still have to function normally. I have to do laundry and make meals and clean the house.

And I have the privilege of being entrusted two little precious girls that lean on me for their every need. And while I treasure them and am so thankful for every moment with them, I know someone is missing. I am longing to hold my precious son. I am longing for that moment when I see his face for the first time. And today is one of those days when I am just not ok with waiting. And my heart is broken by it.

But today is a day that I have to wait never the less. And even in the midst of this I am thankful that I can abide in my God. I am encouraged as I remember that my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55). And that although this road is not leading where I planned or where I wanted, it was His plan all along.

And whether it will lead me where I want or not I am walking in obedience.

2nd Corinthians 5:7 (NIV)

"For we live by faith, not by sight."

Adoption update

2011-05-18T14:47:00.002-04:00

I have been asked several times this week by random people if we were "done" having kids. People at the bank, people at work. Just random people. No, I reply. To some I share the story that we are adopting. But I admit my heart has a twinge of sadness when people ask. Not because I don't want to have more. Not because I don't want to share that we are adopting. But because my heart gets a little sad when I think that we are indeed missing a member of our family and I am not sure when he will be home with us.

Last Friday we were blessed to watch my dear friend's two week old baby for a few hours. Elizabeth and Claire were in love. And when the baby left Claire asked when we were getting her baby brother back. With all the adoption talk she thought that little guy was ours to keep. It was super sweet and she totally understood when I explained who he belonged to. But still my heart was sad. When our we getting our baby brother home? I can't help but wonder.

Our dossier is almost complete. We are waiting on approval from immigration and I have a few more items to gather. And then we send this set of paperwork out along with the agency fee of $1,700.00. And then we will be officially on the wait list. But that to me is bittersweet. Ethiopia is uncertain right now. Things are shaky and wait times are being lengthened. I am so ready to get our official wait time started. But we are still not clear how long it will be. We are uncertain of many things. But what I cling to is that God is not uncertain. He has us in this place at this time for a reason.

When I pray sometimes I just beg God to allow our baby to be home soon. Sometimes I get weepy thinking we may have to wait years to hold him in our arms. But yesterday after reading an email from our agency with more confirmation of longer wait times Todd reminded me that it does not matter what it looks like to our eye. We are walking by faith. We serve the God who created the world by his word in 6 days. The God who parted the red sea. The God who made barren old men fertile. The God who kept Jonah in the belly of a fish. The God who raised Lazarus from the dead. The God who healed the blind, sick and leper. The God who became a man and died on the cross and on the third day defeated death. We serve a God who calls things into existence simply by his word and calls dead things alive again. He takes men who are murderers and makes them saints. He makes things that are not into things that are. He is the God who lead us here. He is the God who is still leading. And we are following Him by faith that He is leading us.

When the Ethiopian government first announced that they were slowing down adoption approvals I was reading a book. In many ways that book was what kept me sane during that awful moment. The book is called "Hinds Feet on High Places". It is an allegory about a woman's (Much- Afraid) journey through life with God. During one part of the story the Shepard asks the young woman if she would follow Him even if it looked like he was deceiving her. She said she would. He then asked would she follow Him if He did deceive her. Much-Afraid looked at her Shepard and replied out of an honest but broken and confused heart that she believed He was incapable of deceiving her but that she would follow Him if He did. The book follows her journey and in many moments the way that the Shepard leads little Much-Afraid appeared to be wrong. At times it even appeared to go in the opposite direction of their ultimate journey. You have to read for yourself to see where they end up. But I choose to believe that God's purposes will prevail even if it looks like we are being lead away from the very thing we seek. Our God sees the bigger picture.

Psalm 48:14 "For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." (NIV)

Days of Grace

2011-05-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

The other morning the kids and I were having a discussion about grace while eating breakfast. It was clear to me that grace was not exactly something they understood. I tried to explain that grace was getting something that you do not deserve or getting something better than what you deserve. I am sure technically and biblically it has a more full meaning but I was trying to lay it out to them in the simplest terms. So I sat there trying to explain but sure that they were still not getting it and after a while I just prayed silently that God would give me opportunities to display grace to them tangibly that day.

Fast forward a few hours. I had all but forgotten my little prayer. We were frantically trying to get out the door to take dinner to a precious friend who had just had a baby. The girls were doing their very best to delay us and I was trying to do my best to not lose my patience. After a frantic scramble to get in the car we finally made it. While in the car Elizabeth asked if we could go in the house for just a minute so they could see the baby. In my mind we were already late for where we needed to be after we drop off dinner and these kids certainly did not deserve to get out of this car. It took me forever to get them in the car to begin with. It was then I heard, "Give them grace." Honestly I did not want to give them grace right now. I wanted to run in and quickly drop off the food so I could get to work quicker. But then I remembered my prayer and decided to tell them that they did not deserve to go in but I would let them go in and give them grace.

I am not sure that it clicked or them or that they understand grace really well.

But that picture clicked in my heart how often I get grace my my Lord. How often do I deserve the things he gives? I know my heavenly father constantly showers me with grace. He constantly gives me more than I deserve and forgives my faults. After getting the kids down for nap today I sat to read my Bible and do my daily devotional. The devotional was talking all about how we are to love others with the same love God has shown us. His love for us is inexhaustible. And it clicked for me. I do not love my children like that. I do not shower them in grace. I want to. I want to love them the way my heavenly father loves me. But so often I am impatient and get "huffed" with their failures. My heavenly father thankfully does not parent me the same way I parent my children. He is slow to anger and rich in love. (Psalm 145:8) May I learn to love them with the love of God. And make each day a day filled with grace.

A prayer a day

2011-04-06T14:49:00.004-04:00

A couple of years ago I sat down for my devotional time and was heaped with a load of guilt. My heart felt really heavy. I was feeling super guilty because of the lack of prayer for my husband and children. So I sat down and I talked to God about my feelings. What came from that moment was an idea straight from the Lord. Every day of the week I pray one thing for them. Every week it is the same 7 things and every day it is something new. I sat down with my Bible and tried to find out what seven things I thought were on God's heart for my family. I will share today what I pray for Todd.

Monday- I pray for our marriage.
Ephesians 4:21-33 is the basis for this prayer. I pray for us that we could learn to submit to each other. I pray that I will learn to respect him the way I should and that he could learn to love me the way I need. I pray that we will become more unified and that God would help us to grow more in oneness.

Tuesday- I pray for Todd as a father.
Ephesians 6:4 is the basis for this along with Proverbs 22:6. I pray that Todd will have wisdom to raise our children well and to teach them to follow the Lord. I pray that he will have patience with them and that they will always have a close bond with their daddy.

Wednesday- I pray for Todd as the leader of our home.
Again I look at Ephesians 4:21-33 and see that Todd is the head of our home and I pray for him that he will lead us more to the Lord and that God would give him wisdom in regards to all decisions. Along with this I pray for work and that he would have wisdom to lead our family well financially. I pray that he would give generously to others and to the work of the Lord.

Thursday- I pray for Todd's friendships.
If we look at Psalm 1 we see how valuable having the right people around us is. I pray for Todd that he would have men in his life who love the Lord and will hold him accountable and encourage him.

Friday- I pray for Todd's thoughts.
2nd Corinthians 10:5 is the basis for this prayer. I pray that Todd would daily soak himself in God's word and that God would convict him and help him take captive any idea that is against what God wants. I pray for the holy spirit to bring scripture to Todd's mind that will lead him in making Godly decisions.

Saturday- I pray for Todd in regards to his sexuality.
The basis for this prayer is Proverbs 6:20-29 and Proverbs 5:15-19. I know that for a man sex is a need and lust is one area that Satan has taken control of so many men's lives. So I pray for Todd that he would have victory over lust in his life. I pray that God would help him divert his eyes when he sees images that will harm him. And honestly it is not his fault that he sees many of the images. Most of them are thrown at him everywhere from billboards to the woman walking down the street. But I pray that God would shield him from temptations and when he is tempted will show him the way out. Along with this I pray that I would be quick to satisfy his needs and not withhold affection and the love he craves. I pray God would bless our marriage bed and make it something holy and pleasing to Him.

Sunday- I pray for Todd that he would be a man after God's own heart.
I suppose I could use the whole Bible to point to the fact that God longs for communion with my husband. And so I pray that Todd would not be content with normal or average but that he would thirst and hunger for God.

These prayers have really given me a whole new love for Todd. Daily I pray and beg for God to impart more of himself to my husband and daily I find my love for my husband growing. I think when we pray for someone we really begin to have God's heart for that person.

I have shared them with the hopes that these prayers could bring freedom to someone. Maybe you are like me and you are so hit and miss with praying for your spouse. Maybe you need something tangible and easy to remember so when you think to pray for them you aren't just praying "God please bless them." Not that it is wrong to pray that, but I think God longs for so much more for our husbands than just his blessings. He longs to give them more of himself.

I purposely gave only scripture references and not the actual verses. I hope you will search God's word for yourself and see what He longs for your spouse. And I challenge you to either use these or find your own things but pray for your husband each day. You will be so glad you did.

Big Girl Bed

2011-03-30T15:44:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago we made the leap and moved Claire into a big girl bed. I was apprehensive. She is our limit tester so I believed we might have some issues on our hands with staying put in her bed.

And although she has pushed the boundaries a little more than Elizabeth did with her bed she overall has done well. One thing we have going for us is this girl loves to sleep. She enjoys her sleep and will certainly let us know when she needs to be in bed.

At first she started getting up super early only because she could. But I quickly took her back to her room and let her know that we don't get up until a decent hour. At first it was a bit of struggle but now she stays put if she wakes up and it is still dark outside.

We have found her with some pretty interesting things in her bed.

I cannot believe that we do not have a crib in our home right now. I cannot believe my baby is going to be three soon. It makes me sad to see her grow up. I keep warning the kids I am going to stop feeding them so they stop growing. But they continue to talk me into giving them nourishment. Sadly they are going to grow up. It makes me want our baby boy home even more. Will that ever go away? Wanting to have a baby in the house. Maybe but right now I we are planning for a bigger house so we can fill it with babies. :)

The Wedding Verse

2011-03-29T14:23:00.003-04:00

1st Corinthians 13 has become known as the wedding verse. It has been read at countless weddings. And I think it is with good intentions. After all God is the creator of love. He, of all people, would know how to do it well. And although that verse is read at a lot of weddings, I do not see it being lived out in many marriages.

I was challenged yesterday as I listened to a radio broadcast to think of what I would want my husband to say, many years in the future, if he were to give the Eulogy at my funeral.

My mind went to 1st Corinthians 13. As I read these verses though I was more struck at how much I am not like this at all when it comes to my marriage.

1st Corinthians 13: 4-7
" Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

The very beginning strikes a cord in me. Am I patient? Sure I would say. But am I patient even when I feel like Todd is not listening to me? Am I patient when I feel like he has forgotten to do what I asked him to? Am I patient when I ask him to take out the trash and he does not do it the moment I want it done? I am not. I am patient as long as he does things in my timetable. I am patient as long as he is patient with me. But love it says is patient. No patient if. No patient if they deserve it, patient if they earn it, patient if you feel like it. Love is patient.

Am I kind? Sure. Most of the time. But do I speak with kindness and love if I feel hurt? Do I speak to him with tones that are kind when he is not acting how I want him to? Do I treat him with the kindness I do to total strangers. Sadly many times I am more kind to the grocery store clerk than my own husband. Love is kind. Love is kind. I want to love.

Love does not envy. How many days do I think about how good someone else has it? Or wish that Todd did this or that. (Insert wishful thinking for whatever here) Love does not envy.

Love does not boast. How many times have I told him that he should do something this way or that. I know the best way to bathe the kids or feed them. My way is better than his, right? Love does not boast.

Love is not proud. Love does not think it has the best way. My way is not the best way. My way is simply different and love would not act like it has everything figured out.

Love is not rude. Have I ever been rude to Todd? Sadly more times than I want to admit. I find myself being more rude to him than anyone else in the whole world many days. But I justify it as just being real with him. I am just being honest about how I feel, right? Love is not rude.

Love is not self-seeking. Do I seek his best interest in everything? Do I even seek his best interest in most things? I am not sure I do. I am, in fact, sure I do not.

Love is not easily angered. How many days is my fuse very short with him? I blame him most of the time. Doesn't he get what I am feeling. Doesn't he understand me at all? Does it matter? Love is not easily angered.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Ouch. This one stings. How many times have I replayed something he has done that hurt me? How many times do I remember his faults and quickly point out how often he does a particular thing? Love keeps no record.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love cares about truth. Truth is Jesus Christ. Truth is the word of God. Do I side with God's word? Do I rejoice when God is given glory? Do I rejoice when Todd obeys the Lord even when it costs me something? Ouch. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects. Do I protect my husband? Do I protect his reputation by the way I speak about him? Or do I let it slip to my girl-friend how wounded I am over what he did last night? After all I need to vent, right? Love always protects. Always.

Love always trusts. Do I trust Todd? Yes. Do I always trust his judgement? Do I always side with him when battling over something with the kids? Do I trust that he is wise and has our families best interest at heart? I want to. But so many times I find myself thinking I have a better way and if he would just listen to me. But love always trusts.

Love always hopes. Do I hope that things will get better when things are dark? Do I hope that he will make wise choices? Do I hope our marriage will be thriving and wonderful? I do but many times I find my hope wavering. Love always hopes.

Love always perseveres. The reality is marriage is not always easy. Our relationship is not always fun and filled with life. But love perseveres. Love perseveres when things are rough. Love perseveres when my spouse makes a bad decision. Love always perseveres. Sadly, I do not.

I am sorry Todd. I know we have had a very good marriage. But I look at this verse and it does not describe me. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I do not always love you. You are good man. You are deserving of my trust in your judgement. You are deserving of my protection of your character. You love me so well. And many times you love me much more than I deserve and much more than I love you in return. You do not deserve the brunt of my bad days or crazy hormones. Forgive me for not loving you wholly and completely. And thank you because I already know that you are far more willing to forgive me than I am willing to forgive you. Thank you for being a man of integrity and honor and for seeking after the truth of Jesus Christ.

Many people might look at this verse and say it is impossible to always do all these things. You may be right. In our state of brokenness and in our fallen world we will never love perfectly as our heavenly father has loved us.

But at the end of my days I want for my husband to be able to say that I tried. And so I want to give God my brokenness and ask Him to redeem. I want to give Him my strength and willingness to love Todd and ask Him for His strength and willingness to love Todd.

2nd Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Freedom

2011-03-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

It was the end of the week. My kids had just eaten home made (as in store bought from the freezer section) chicken nuggets for dinner. I had to run out to the grocery store and Todd was staying home with the girls. I left the house and sat in my car with tears in my eyes. The source of my emotional up-heavel was simply this: I felt like an awful momma because my kids are not eating the most healthy of meals at every moment. I admit it. I am not an organic, gourmet, vegetable puree hiding mom. I am a mom who feeds her kids chicken nuggets and hot dogs and potato chips. I try to make sure they eat lots of fruits and veggies. I try to make sure they eat yogurt and drink milk. But some days I just do not measure up to the standard I have set in my head.

I think part of the problem is I know many women who are very gifted in this area. They know nutrition like the back of their hand. And they feed their kids organic, healthy food 98% of the time. I love these women and I aspire to be more like them. But I am not them. And most of them honestly do not judge me for it. But I judge me. And when I do I fail by comparison. So here I was in the parking lot crying because my kids had chicken nuggets for dinner yet again. And I found myself crying out to the Lord. I poured out my heart and told him how awful and guilt ridden I felt. And then I wiped my eyes and went in the store.

Fast forward to the next morning. I got up before everyone else and opened my Bible for a devotional time. The very first verse I read was this:

Proverbs 17:1 (NIV)
" Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife."

What struck me in that moment was that instead of condemnation God was offering me freedom. Instead of hammering me with "You are right, you are an awful mother" He spoke words of encouragement. You see what matters more to the Lord is not what I put in my children's belly but what we put in their soul. If I make a home where there is love and God is worshipped it is far more worthy to Him than a home filled with the most organic and healthy food where strife and selfishness abide. I believe we can do both. I believe many women are currently doing both. I know many women who love God with all their hearts and feed their kids great food all the time. But in some moments I can only do one or the other. And if it takes macaroni and cheese to help me make a more peaceful home that day I will choose the dry crust with peace over the feast with strife.

And this lead me to think of how many other areas in my life I am holding myself to the standard of the world instead of the standards of the Lord. And in so many areas I am. I would love to be 20lbs thinner but in this moment I am not. I am striving to eat more healthy and working out. But in this moment I do not have the body I think the world thinks I should have. And to be honest if I lost the 20lbs I would probably still compare myself to someone and fall short.

Or my home. I see magazines and pictures of these perfectly tended homes and feel this twinge of guilt when I look at the piles of laundry and mess of dishes. I feel like I am failing to measure up to some standard I have for myself. But then I have to ask, who set up this standard anyway? I have never felt a genuine conviction from God for not having done my dishes. I have felt lots of condemnation from myself. But God has never spoken to me about the cleanliness of my floors. He always speaks to me more about the matters of my heart. He cares if I am loving my neighbor and speaking words of encouragement to others. He cares about the unforgiveness I hold onto far more than how long it has been since I cleaned my toilet.

I am not saying it is not good to eat healthy or to have a clean house. Certainly I do try to keep my house organized and clean. I try to make healthy food choices for my family. I spend hours each day cleaning and cooking and organizing something. But the point I am trying to make is I have this standard that I set in my head and if I fail to measure up to it I feel the weight of condemnation. I am sure I am not the only mother who has felt this. But I want to start living in the freedom of the Lord. The freedom to have people in our home even if there is oatmeal on the kitchen table still from breakfast (And it is 3:41 and there really is oatmeal stuck on the table still). The freedom to have an ice cream cone with our kids and enjoy it simply for the sake of having a treat. The freedom to care more about my heart than what size jeans I am wearing. I want to live in that freedom. And I think when I start walking more in that freedom I will find it easier to make the good choices I want to make anyway.

2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV)
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

Anywhere else?

2011-03-17T15:45:00.005-04:00

It was one of those days. The kids and I were in the car. I would have loved to have headphones or a tranquilizer gun. (Just kidding I would never wear headphones while driving.) But the kids were doing their normal "she is touching me, she is pulling me, she bit me" and I was at the edge of my patience. It had been a very long day and this 30 minute drive home was going to do me in. And then it hit me. Even though these kids were driving me mad. Even though I was so tired. There is no where else I would want to be right now. Being married to the man I love and being momma to my two precious girls. So I stopped and thanked God for my little ones and the life He has called me to and then I pulled out my favorite "quit bugging each other in the car" trick. And it made me laugh and made them laugh to.

Want to know my trick?

If the kids are fighting and won't stop their craziness I make them look at each other and say loudly, "I love you." They have to say this over and over and over and over and over and over. (Get the idea?) By the end they are usually both giggling like crazy and I get a few minutes peace.

So where would you rather be?

A new sense of direction

2011-03-14T15:28:00.003-04:00

I shared last week that Ethiopia's Ministry of Women's Affairs (MOWA) announced last week that they would be cutting adoption approvals by 90%. This news shocked us and left me very disheartened. I immediately found myself heartbroken. After spending sometime in prayer on the day of finding out I felt like the Lord was speaking to my heart that this would be used for good. The voice was not audible and honestly I felt no sense of what we were supposed to do.

So I searched and prayed and emailed and asked a gazillion questions. I literally emailed our agency like 3 times a day sometimes with new questions. I am sure that they probably are sick of me by now. Right away both Todd I and I thought of possibly changing countries. We did a ton of reading and asked our agency which countries would be possible. There were only two choices for us with our agency because I am not over 30. Ethiopia and another country which is not African. We both prayed about the other country and felt like that was not where God was leading. We then thought about leaving our agency and adopting independently. We would lose some money but if this was where God was leading we wanted to obey. Again, we emailed, researched and asked a gazillion questions. Nothing seemed to be working. There were dead ends everywhere.

I felt utterly dis-heartened. We knew very clearly God was calling us to adopt now. He wanted us to begin this process now not in 2 1/2 years when I am 30. So if he wanted us to do this now why was He not leading? I honestly felt like that. I spent one night last week sobbing and crying and praying asking God why He was not leading us. I felt like we were willing to do whatever He called. I felt like we had been obedient up to this point. But I also felt so uncertain about what He wanted. I shared this with Todd and my very wise husband told me maybe God was leading. Maybe all along He had been speaking and asking us to still choose Ethiopia. Even though it looks dead and even though it looks like there is no way. Maybe just maybe that was what He wanted us to do after all.

I went to bed and gave my heart to the Lord. I asked Him to show me if that was what He was asking. Did He want us to walk through this storm? I told Him I would if I knew He was in it. That was Wednesday evening. Thursday came and sometime throughout the day I logged on to read a blog by an adoptive momma from Ethiopia. She said she had been praying for the families who were adopting from Ethiopia and the Lord gave her the story of Lazarus. It is in the Bible in the book of John 11: 1-45. One verse stuck out to me while reading it. It was verse 4 "When he heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.'" It stuck out because the very first thing I heard from God before anything else was that this would result in good. In the story a man named Lazarus was sick. Lazarus and his two sisters had been very close with Jesus. So naturally when Lazarus was sick his sisters sent for him. And said to Him, "Lord the one you love is sick." Jesus heard that and responded with verse 4. This will end in good. But what happened after that was hard. Jesus did not come to Lazarus right away. In fact Lazarus died and was dead four days before Jesus showed up. And when He did come Mary and Martha had already given up hope that their brother could be given life. But Jesus did give Him life. He called Lazarus out of his tomb and gave Him real actual life. He was living and breathing and walking around again. And many people followed Jesus as a result.

So fast forward to Friday morning. I woke up very early and sat with my Bible reading this passage. I read and prayed for God to speak to me. Again I did not hear an audible voice but I knew never-the-less that God was calling us to Ethiopia. To continue on the path we had been on. I cannot say what will happen tomorrow. I only know what we have been called to today. And today I am walking in obedience.

After I finished my devotional time on Friday morning I went to the computer and checked my email. I recieved an email from a friend that she had gotten from an agency. Here is a little snippet of that email.

"From the sources above and others, we are feeling confident that this MoWA limit most likely will not stand. The Adoption Network in Ethiopia (composed of agency representatives) is meeting this coming week and we hope to have more information after that."

It was a sweet encouragement to my soul. But it was sweeter because it was only confirmation of what God was already speaking to me. This will end in good! Our God is a God who calls dead things to life!

He Has Overcome

2011-03-09T15:29:00.003-05:00

I cannot fully explain with words the depth of hurt that has occurred in my heart this week. Almost at once all my best laid plans were stopped and we were forced to reconsider everything.

In the light of all that has happened God has really been so faithful to walk beside me. He has sent encouragements in the forms of notes and phone calls from friends and family saying, "I love you and we are praying."

He has given me scripture to specifically answer every fear and longing of my heart. I won't share it all but here is what I read today as I did my devotional time.

Psalm 52: 8-9
"But I am like and olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name, I will hope, FOR YOUR NAME IS GOOD. I will praise you in the presence of your saints."

On more than one occasion God has brought to my mind the number of people who are praying for us and for our little boy. This has held me up. If you are praying, Thank-you, from the bottom of our soul.

And I have been reminded that every tear I cry is precious to my God. He holds every single one.

We have no plans yet for what the future holds and no new direction to share. But I wanted to share that we know that our God is good!

She Speaks

2011-03-08T15:29:00.002-05:00

I just found out about this conference called "She Speaks". It is a conference put on by Proverbs 31 ministry. I just recently found this ministry and daily follow the blog. It has been inspiring and thought provoking. The conference is for Christian women who are interested in speaking and or writing. At this point I know very little about it except that when it asked if you have thought of doing any of these things (writing a book, speaking in public) my heart skipped a beat because I thought that it described me perfectly. It described someone who had a desire to share God's word and truth with other women but lacked the proper skills and information to make it happen. I have long felt a desire to share the truth from God's word with other women. I have even started writing a book. But I must admit that I lack the confidence and real knowledge of how to get it done. And I am not sure if I even did finish and found someone to publish it would I have the guts to do so. My mind has long said, "who would care that much about what I have to say?" But still within my soul is a longing to encourage my sisters in Christ and to call them to a deeper more intimate relationship with our savior. Not because I am better than them. But because I am struggling right along side of them and want to share the truths God has imbedded in my soul.

The reason I am blogging about it is because I am entering to win a scholarship to the conference. The sholarship would pay for my entrance to the conference and my hotel stay while I am there. So here goes nothing.

Sweetly Broken Wholly Surrendered

2011-03-06T16:19:00.005-05:00

Yesterday we received news that the government of Ethiopia has planned to cut the inter-country adoptions by 90%. They currently have been processing 50 adoptions per day. With the new plan in place they will now only process 5. 5 families per day. 5 children. And if our wait would have been 1 year we can now give a good estimate that it will be 3-4 years. I am not going to explain the ins and outs. I think the government has good reasons to reconsider their adoption process. Although I do not necessarily think this is the best solution. But being someone who is immediately affected by it makes it just seem crushing.

So what does this mean for us? We are not sure at this point. We have not heard directly from our agency and have no idea if they are even accepting applications for Ethiopia still. I emailed our agency the moment we heard the news. That was Saturday morning. We will most likely not hear anything until Monday or Tuesday.

In the moment I have gone through a variety of emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety. Those are just a few. When I heard the news Todd was working and I called him to share. Honestly he could not even understand what I was saying because I was sobbing. When he finally understood what I was trying to convey he immediately said, "Let's pray." He prayed and then told me that God had this under control. He is right. And Todd has had an amazing faith that has helped to hold me up.

Here is what I am resting in this moment.

When we began this journey it was never about Ethiopia. We felt called to adopt. We felt called to a child, specifically a boy. We had a heart and a love for Africa. We researched and prayed and researched and talked to people. And after much deliberation we decided to go with Ethiopia. All along we were wholly surrendered to God and asking for His input. With that being said, we never heard an audible or even a direct "Go to Ethiopia." We simply prayed for wisdom and made a decision. Not saying it was made lightly. It most certainly was not. It was an agonizing and big decision. And after sometime and even some trying to go in other directions Ethiopia was the only avenue that was working. And we made the decision to pursue it. I do not think we "misheard" God or that we even took control of the reigns. We made the best decision we knew and followed God the best we knew how in the moment.

Now here we are. Through no control of our own our home study paperwork took much longer than anticipated and we just received it a couple of weeks ago. And then we had a huge bout of flu and now here we are. So we have not done any real work on the adoption in a couple weeks. The next step is to file paperwork with immigration. This is the first official moment when you need to know the country for sure. We have not filed that paperwork yet. If that paperwork was filed it would be much harder to switch countries. We could still do it. But it would cost more money.

All of this being said we are not certain what will happen. Ultimately we are surrendered to God. We want His leading. And in this moment we are praying about the decisions we are facing. We may be called to stay with Ethiopia and wait the 4 years but there are children who need homes now. And maybe we are being called to another country.

I have learned that when you cling tightly to something it turns to ash in your fist. So our hands are open. Our hearts are broken. And we are wholly surrendered. My broken heart is in the palms of my loving God and our life is in His hands.

The worship of everyday

2011-02-24T18:37:00.004-05:00

Sunday afternoon it started. Any mother knows that dreaded sound. I had just curled up in bed to take a nap. The kids were in their rooms and Todd was downstairs. And I had just asked him to listen so I could shut our door and shut out the world for a little while.

But I heard it still. I heard Todd taking Claire into the bathroom and telling Elizabeth "Your sister threw up stay in your room." I was kind of hoping it was a bad dream and it was not real. But as I got out of bed I realized it was true. My wonderful husband had already cleaned up the mess and given Claire a bath. And as we sat on the couch wondering if it was the flu or maybe just something she ate that disagreed with her we got our answer. Claire puked again and continued to throw up every hour for many hours. She threw up into the night and as the morning rolled around I hoped it would be over soon. As afternoon came she continued to puke and I called the pediatrician to ask what could be done. After realizing she had not had any wet diapers that day, (Why did I not think of that until they asked?) the nurse recommended we take her to the ER immediately. We spent several hours at the hospital and they gave her IV fluids. We took her home and she continued to throw up a few more times.

Now it is day 5 of our mess. Claire woke up this morning feeling much better. She wanted to eat and play and do all of her normal things. But just as she was getting better Elizabeth began to puke. And she is now in the thick of vomiting.

I am certainly going crazy at times. But God has spoken some great truths to my heart during all of this. Cleaning up puke can be worship. I can worship God by gently taking care of my sick baby. I can worship God by responding for the 1,000th time to a cry for help. It is not easy. And my heart is not always worshipful. But it can be. And I can be serving God by doing just that. Sometimes I think of serving God as the missionary in Africa or the pastor of our church. But the reality you and I can serve Him right where we are. We can serve Him by simply responding in everyday life the way He wants us. And today I am trying. And when I am tempted to throw in the towel I am trying to instead be thankful.

So today I am thankful that I have a working washer and dryer to wash another load of vomitty clothes and blankets. I am thankful for daddy who just came home with dinner in hand and "took" over so I could have a half hour of rest. I am thankful for Jeff and Heather who came to play with Elizabeth while sissy was sick. I am thankful for my parents who watched Elizabeth while we took Claire to the ER. And who brought us dinner last night! I am thankful that we live in a place where I have clean drinking water so I can give my kids healthy drinks to get them better.

I am learning more and more that so often God does not want me to do more but simply to do the things that are before with His power and grace.

Plans of the heart

2011-02-16T14:56:00.003-05:00

We received word on Friday, of last week, from our agency. It turns out that when I read the original email I misunderstood it just a bit. The agency was not really saying they may not work with us. More or less they were afraid the Ethiopian government may turn us down. (That does not really sound much better, does it?) Well, either way. We received word that with a few changes in our home study wording we have a better chance of being approved. So our wonderful social worker is again changing our home study. For like the 20th time. She is a trooper though!

But I am reminded of how faithful God is to orchestrate every detail. We had reason to believe we would probably hear from our agency on Friday. And since the moment I woke up on Friday morning I was checking my email about every five minutes. And at 8:00 am ish my sister in law called and asked if I could watch my one year old nephew for the day. I agreed and shortly after my best friend called and said she had to go the the ER and asked if I could watch her four year old daughter. So on Friday I had four kids under the age of four and no time to check my email. But I really do believe it was God's sovereignty. I needed busy hands and a busy heart so I could not stress and worry about the outcome. And we did receive the email on Friday and it was good news. We now have no reason to believe that the Ethiopian government would turn us down.

So through all of this God is constantly reminding me that this is in His hands. And as crazy as it seems I still doubt that on some moments. I caught myself the other day in a furry of thoughts that lead to me thinking that we were gonna end up with some kid that God never intended us to have. I quickly took that thought captive and gave my fears to the Lord. And today the Lord so faithfully spoke to me in His word and reminded me that He does indeed have this all under control.

Proverbs 16:1
" To man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue."

Proverbs 16:33
" The lot is cast into the lap but its every decision is from the Lord."

Created for Care Retreat and adoption update

2011-02-09T15:45:00.004-05:00

Friday through Sunday I spent time at the Created for Care Retreat. It was the most amazing weekend. The Lord spoke to me so clearly and met every need that my heart had been longing for. I heard from Him, I spent time worshiping and sharing my heart with other women, I was prayed for and prophesied over. My heart was so filled. I saw the Lord.

I would love to share with you some of the things God spoke to me about this weekend. The first night, my new hero, Susan Hillis, spoke. She talked about Hagar and how we have the choice to be known as women who wail or a woman of the well. Women who wail see their problems as huge and they see God's provision as very tiny. Women of the well know God is their provision and they choose to see Him even when their problems would love to be bigger. Another way the Lord clearly spoke to me was on the last day, Susan Hillis spoke again about the miracle Jesus did when he fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves and two fish. God spoke so clearly that I need to offer Him my little. The little time I spend praying for my kids, the little patience I have with them, the little resources we have for our adoption. I need to offer my 20% to Him and obey and allow Him to multiply it. I walked away with such confidence that despite what little it seemed I had God will provide.

And as satan would love to directly contradict everything the Lord spoke to me this weekend, I came home and Monday received an email that basically said our agency may not approve us any further for the adoption because of our finances. Even though we successfully raised the $5,000.00 needed for the beginning of the adoption process and even though we assured them that we were applying for grants and doing fundraisers they may choose to not approve us because of our monthly income and our lack of savings. This has nothing to do with whether or not they think we can adequately support another child. It seemed from the phrasing that it was all about whether or not they thought we could pay for the adoption. I am so thankful that I had just so fully heard from the Lord.

I immediately took that email and turned around and emailed a few people to tell them what is going on and to ask for prayer. I immediately knew this was not from the Lord. It is by His hand and His hand alone that this adoption will happen. I trust His hand. My life is not in the hands of an agency or a government.

At this point we have emailed the agency and asked, "What amount of money do we need in the bank to be approved?" Here is why I am telling you now. We still have not heard back from the agency. But my confidence is in the Lord. If the agency says "$15,000.00" I am confident that God will bring us that, if it is His will. If the agency says "no amount find another agency" I am confident that God will lead us to where He wants.

He is our hope. I am reminded of the verse God gave me to be encouraged while Todd and I were waiting to be together.

Psalm 33:20-22
"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

He Giveth More Grace

2011-02-01T09:03:00.002-05:00

I found this today on another blog and it so perfectly encouraged my heart. I had to share.

He Giveth More Grace

By: Annie J. Flint

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Created for Care

2011-01-30T16:22:00.003-05:00

So Friday morning my dear friend Katie and I will be winging our way to Atlanta, Georgia for the Created for Care conference. It is a three day conference specifically for adoptive mommas! I am just bursting at the seams with excitement! Three days to worship, rest, and spend time with other women who are on this adoptive journey! God orchestrated this conference for us so specifically!

Of course I will miss my family! And the thought of being away from them for so long is hard. But I am leaving little gifts, treats and notes so they can think about me lots! How many more exclamation points can I fit in?

Praise God for this moment of rest in this very busy and wearing season!

Jars of Clay

2011-01-27T20:44:00.006-05:00

So I know that everyone will be so excited to hear about the week we have had in this house. Lets start at the beginning.

Saturday: The morning began with a shopping trip ALONE to the grocery store. It was a much needed break and I enjoyed every second. Little did I know it was the calm before the storm.

In the afternoon, Elizabeth and I baked cookies and we had a relaxing family evening at home.

Saturday night the whole house fell apart and the plague hit us.

Sunday: Kids and I stayed home while daddy went to B's (our nephew) baptism. And Sunday night both kids were up coughing half the night.

Monday: Kids and I home while daddy was out making money. (Lucky him)

We receive an email from our agency wondering how we planned on paying for the adoption since our monthly budget obviously does not allow room for an extra $20,000.00. Through tears I replied something about fundraisers and grants. And then quickly emailed a friend and asked her to pray.

Monday night was the worst of the coughing. With me sitting on the couch with Claire from about 11-3AM. I ended up holding her in my lap and dozing off for a bit. She was coughing so bad she threw up and was gagging. I held her upright so she could catch her breath. I dozed on and off while she slept and woke up at about 3 AM with my butt and back in agony. I decided coughing or not she was going in her bed. And about 4 AM Elizabeth got up. Thankfully I was WAY too tired to even hear her and Todd got up with her. (I have an awesome husband)

Tuesday: After the awful night before I decided it was time to go the doctor. Both kids had bronchitis and Claire had a double ear infection. (I think the doctor used the term "raging infection") Steroids and anitbiotic for both. Yipeee!

Wednesday: Steroids are in full effect at our house! Coughing has reduced and craziness has ensued. I caught Claire climbing up my ladder shelf in the living room. I am pretty sure that the "roids" are affecting their brains. They are certainly affecting mine.

Thursday: Thankfully we gave the last dose of steroid!!! That deserves a double yippee. I was able to leave the house for a bit and have dinner and a shopping trip with my mom. And my great husband put both kiddos to bed even though I was home. This caused great stress and chaos for Elizabeth who cried for 5 minutes straight because daddy was putting them both to bed. (Not really sure why. We take turns putting both girls to bed each night so they both get lots of times with daddy putting them to bed. Maybe its the "roids.")

Lots of things have been crazy this week. The kids and I were pretty much stuck in the house for 5 days straight. I have not worn a stitch of makeup since last Friday. (Seriously not even coverup) And it was not like some noble I want to try going au natural thing. I was just so tired and really had no place to go. I did not even put on makeup to go out with my mom tonight. I was just too tired and chose to cuddle on the couch with Claire bug until it was time to leave instead of getting prettied up.

One thing I know though. satan (not capitalized on purpose) is tricky. And when we received that email in the chaos of this week I started to doubt. I started to think that maybe we can't pay for this. Maybe we can't handle three kids. Maybe we should not be adopting. I honestly did. My heart was in a real rough place. I cried a lot of tears and I prayed. And I read the book of Proverbs for about 5 minutes and then I took a nap. And when I woke up this verse was in my head.

1st Corinthians 4:7-9

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

That is the truth. We are not anything great. We have no special thing to offer a baby. We are not saints because we are adopting. I heard it put this way and I love this "I am equally a blessing and a curse to all my kids." Our little man will endure a mom who is, at times, exhausted and at her end. He will get me at my best and at my worst. But we have one thing we can offer him. One thing we can bring to our little man. We can show him the Lord. We can introduce him to the one who can heal all his wounds and can wipe away every tear. We can show him one who is ever patient and ever loving. One who is slow to anger. The one is who is completely and wholly different from everyone he will ever meet, including his momma.

satan would love to distract us from that purpose. He would love to stop or even stall us from showing the Lord to that little one. But we are obeying. We are moving forward to do what God has called us to do.

And in the end it will be worth it. I will leave you with telling the sweetest story of my week. This one made the whole week worth it.

Wednesday evening after bible story I was tucking Claire into bed. Our ritual is that I always hold her and sing to her and pray for her and Lizzie. If I forget anything she reminds me, "Sing baby mine and pray for me and pray for Lizzie." I sung to her and was praying for her. And within my prayer I said something about God living in her heart.

Claire: "My heart too."

Me: "You want God to live in your heart?"

Claire: "Yes"

So in the best way I knew how I explained to my 21/2 year old that we all have sin. Jesus came to the earth to die for our sins and if she believes him he can forgive her and live in her heart. I asked if she wanted to ask him to live in her heart. And she did. My sweet girl prayed, with pacifier still in her mouth, that Jesus would forgive her and live in her heart. And thank you for your shed blood. It was the sweetest moment and it was so holy. So simple and so filled with faith. She simply believes. I pray that as she grows God's word would grow in her heart and the cares of this world would not push it out.

So as we go through this process now. Whether hard pressed or perplexed I cling to God. This is all about Him. He has done bigger things than provide $20,000.00 for an adoption. He parted the sea. He healed the sick. He made the blind see. He came to the earth as a baby and took on my sins. He died on the cross on the third day was raised from the dead. He chooses to use jars of clay, so that when the power is displayed people will see that it was from Him.

It is not from us.

The Gate

2011-01-21T16:02:00.002-05:00

I received a message the other day from a friend. She sent the picture above with a little note that said, "Soon you will be driving through these gates in an old van packed full of luggage, to meet your son." This gate is the entrance to the orphanage where our son will be. The message brought me to tears. In this place that looks so cold and lifeless our baby will be waiting. And our God will redeem! That iron gate that looks like a prison will be a gate of hope. Hope for us as a reminder that we have a goal and one day, Lord willing, we will get through that gate and reach our baby boy.

But also hope for him. You see I love the story in the Bible of Joseph. You can read about it in Genesis chapters 37-45. Joseph's brothers were extremely jealous of him. They hated him. And one day they threw Joseph in a well and sold him to some slave traders. They came back to their father and told him that his son had been eaten by a lion. A lot of really awful things happen to Joseph after being sold to Egyptian slave traders. But through it all Joseph served God and remained faithful to Him. He was even falsely accused of rape and thrown into prison. God allowed Joseph to interpret dreams and many years after he had been sold into slavery God allowed Joseph to interpret a dream that the Pharaoh had. The dream meant that the land of Egypt would have 7 years of plenty to be followed with 7 horrible years of famine. The Pharaoh was so impressed with Joseph that he put him in charge of storing up food and ultimately giving out rations during the famine. It was during the famine that Joseph meets his brothers for the first time in almost 20 years. They came to get food from the stores. When they realized they were dealing with their brother that they had treated so harshly they were terrified. Joseph responded to them in this way in Genesis 45:5-7

"And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance."

What Joseph's brothers intended for harm God used for good.

And what Satan intends for evil in the life of our son God can redeem and use for good!

Why Ethiopia?

2011-01-14T16:34:00.005-05:00

Many people have asked us why did we choose to adopt from Ethiopia. I never fully answer because if I am honest I never really knew why myself. But today I was writing down some of our journey. I want to remember some things so I can tell them to our boy later but also I want to remember God's faithfulness. And it struck me that we were absolutely lead here. We were lead to Ethiopia in this moment. We were lead to this agency. And we are being lead to our son.

You see I know this because in May of 2010 Todd and I asked a group of family and close friends to pray 3 specific things for us. One of those was that God would lead us to the child he has for our family. We knew he was calling us to adopt but we were not sure if that meant domestic, or international. We prayed and I researched. I researched and called and emailed so many different people. And amazingly hardly anyone responded to me. And the one person I did talk to from one agency seemed very disorganized and I had an awful feeling about it. I would come each night with a different idea to Todd. And one day he said, "you are so swayed every day as to what you want to do." He was right. I was striving and planning and nothing was working right.

One day I had a conversation with a friend about her adoption. She told me about her agency, Wide Horizons and Ethiopia, the country they adopted their little boy from. I came home and shared our conversation with Todd and we began to pray about what was the best decision. After looking into the agency she used we both felt really comfortable and excited about going in this direction.

But the problem was with this agency and this country we needed about $5,000.00 to even begin the process. So we began to pray. We asked God if this was his plan and direction and if it was would he provide the $5,000.00 we needed to begin the process. After a few weeks of praying a friend offered to help us do a garage sale fundraiser. Let me stop here and share that we had not talked with this friend about our adoption since we had given her the request to pray for us in May. But for some reason 5 months later out of the blue she offers to help us do a fundraiser. We did the garage sale. And that garage sale raised $5,200.00.

I was trying to plan and research my way into God's plan. And all the while he had it under control. He was leading us.

So why Ethiopia? Because that is where our son is.

The one about the sweat suit

2011-01-06T13:35:00.005-05:00

I am not a fan of this picture. I know everyone probably has pictures of themselves that they do not like. I don't like how I look in this picture. I could dissect it and I will. I could tell you how humid it was that day. You can probably tell. I had gotten up way too early and straightened my hair. It is clearly not straight anymore. I also had a massive head cold that day. And I was really exhausted. So for all the things I really hate about this picture I still love it.

This was day one of our yard sale. I was already sooo tired. We had spent that whole week gathering items. It was a ton of work. Here is what our house looked like.

It was a massive display of the provision of God. I was tired. I was exhausted. But I love the photo because it reminds me of how God so carefully and tenderly orchestrated our every need.

This week has been a little stressful. We are working on all the paperwork for the adoption. It is time consuming and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all the information I need to gather. We also have decided to put our house up for sale. So in the midst of this craziness I found myself doubting. I found myself doubting that God cares for me. Doubting that he has my every need already cared for and doubting that he cares about the desires of my heart.

I was in such a moment on Monday. I was trying to clean out our bedroom closet. I was folding clothes and came across the sweat suit in the picture above. And I remembered the sweat suit story. I have not shared the story of the sweat suit. And I think it is time I did.

I bought that sweat suit the week of the yard sale. It was laundry day and I was out of clean clothes and we needed detergent. I threw on some really old ugly sweats and a sweat shirt and the kids and I ran into Target to get some detergent and while we were there I saw that sweat suit. I decided to buy it. It was cute and looked comfortable and I knew it would be something easy for me to wear while working all day at the yard sale. So as we are getting ready to leave Target I get a phone call on my cell phone from a lady that says she is from a Gift Shop. She heard about our sale and wanted to donate. She wanted to know if I could meet her at her shop right then. I, of course, said yes. We got into the car and I immediately thought. "I cannot meet her wearing this." And then I remembered the sweatsuit that I had just bought. It was cute and looked nice and I was able to change quickly and get to the store.

It was one of the very many ways that God provided that week. It was a little thing. Something that did not have to matter to the Lord at all. It was not really a necessity. But it mattered to me. And the Lord for some reason cares about what matters to me. And before I even knew that I would need that he provided it.

And honestly I can remember so many times in my life when he provided exactly what I needed at exactly the moment I needed it.

So while in the moment I could choose to worry about every detail. I could choose to worry about how our house will sell or how we will be able to move and get settled before our baby arrives. I could worry about how we will pay for all of the adoption fees. I could worry about all of that. But I am choosing not to. I am choosing instead to cling to the word of God. I am choosing to seek the kingdom of heaven and allow God to work out the details. He is a far better God and orchestrator of plans than I am anyway.

Matthew 6:25-34

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Do you see Him?

2010-12-30T16:06:00.004-05:00

Matthew 25:44-45

"Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you? He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' " (NIV)

My Body

2010-12-14T15:10:00.004-05:00

I am having one of those I hate my body moments. For about three weeks I have been struggling with some intense pain from a cyst on my ovary. It has actually subsided a bit now, but for those three weeks I barely had energy or desire to get up and did very little in the way of working out or doing my hair or putting on makeup. So today, I decided to get a little pretty. The girls and I were having lunch with Todd. He was meeting us from work. I took a shower and was attempting to do my hair and get dressed up a little. But my stomach is a little bloated (another symptom of the cyst and probably not working out in three weeks) and my hair was refusing to do anything other than sit in a pony-tail. (I mean really it has not done anything else for three weeks, why change things now?) I was getting super frustrated and lamenting over all the things wrong with my body. But I got dressed and did my makeup and threw my hair up and we went to lunch anyway.

We had lunch and I came home and on a friends facebook she had posted an article. The article was from a womans perspective giving glory to God for the body she had been given. So inspired I decided to write the following:

I praise you Lord for giving me two strong arms. One arm strong enough to carry my toddler through the ice and snow while the other gently guides my preschooler so she does not fall. Arms that carry baskets of laundry down flights of stairs. My arms do not look like a supermodels. They are not as toned as I would like. But they serve my family. Thank you Lord for giving me my arms.

I praise you Lord for my legs. They are strong enough to run through the snow with my kids and chase them through the house for a tickle fight. They carry me whever I need to go. They too are not perfect and many times I have lamented over the shape and dimples. But they are strong and they allow me to do what I need. Thank you Lord for giving me my legs.

I praise you Lord for my stomach. It has carried two of my children and has grown and shrunk as needed. It allows me to eat and sustains me. I think this is my most lamented body part. It is so far from the worlds idea of perfection. It has far too many stretch marks and not enough muscle. But both of my children wrap their legs around it when I scoop them up for a cuddle and when they are sick and want to rest on the couch it makes a nice pillow. My stomach is what my husband wraps his strong arms around and what he holds when we cuddle close at night. I praise you Lord for making my stomach.

I praise you Lord for my mind. It allows me to gain wisdom and grow. It allows me to think through disciplining my children and sort through my to dos. I sometimes feel as though it betrays me when I cannot concentrate or when I forget something very important. But it allows me to learn and change. I praise you Lord for making my mind.

I praise you Lord for my hair. It sometimes drives me insane. But I am blessed to have hair. And I am blessed by knowing that you know the number of them on my head. And even the grey ones are all counted by you. Some do not have hair and I am thankful and praise you Lord for my hair.

I praise you Lord that you created me. I praise you that you made me fearfully and wonderfully. I am thankful that I am allowed to be your temple. I am so undeserving. But for some reason you choose to dwell in me. Thank you. Thank you for creating me and reminding me that I am yours.

Bedroom Humor

2010-11-29T23:15:00.003-05:00

So at 5:00 this morning Todd's alarm started ringing. I was half awake because I had just gotten up with a child with a tummy ache. I had just settled in and was nice and warm on the edge of sleep when I heard the ring (Well, vibration so as not to wake the kids) of his phone alarm.

It rang and he quickly turned it off. I sank back into to my sleep and five minutes later heard the ring again. The third time it happened I shook him and the following interchange occurred.

Me: "Do you need to be up at 5:00 am or can we shut that thing off?"

Todd: "I really don't need to be up until 6."

Me: "If your alarm continues to go off until 6 I will strangle you."

Todd: "Ok"

He then crawls out of our warm bed at 5:15 and goes out into the cold.

I have an awesome husband. Every single morning he gets up before the rest of us and braves the cold, rain, or whatever is going on outside to go to work. He works hard and never complains. He does hard labor on most days and alot of days he works in freezing cold. Isn't he great?

And despite my threats to strangle him I really do love him. Just not if he wakes me up.

Thanks babe for working so hard and taking care of us. You are a good man!

Remember

2010-11-26T22:17:00.004-05:00

We listen to kiddie songs a lot. My kids love the fun rockin music and I have to admit I kind of like it too. We have Phil Joels solo kids project. It is really awesome. It is filled with a ton of scripture and the music is super fun. One of the songs is titled "Don't forget to remember". Tonight I want to remember.

We put up our Christmas tree this evening. It was filled with so much joy and laughter and memories. Each ornament has a special meaning and holds memories. Its fun to share with the kids.

We finished the tree trimming and were doing other decorating. And it was getting late and the kids were having a snack. I remembered that we had chosen to set aside a set of ornaments that were gifted to us for the yard sale. They were three collectible Thomas Kincaide ornaments. They each have a Bible verse on them. I remembered the ornaments and quickly set about finding them. They were not with our other Christmas decor. I quickly found them and because the kids were eating their snack I had a moment alone to put them up. I put each on the tree and read the verses.

My heart was filled with joy as I remembered. We prayed to God for what we needed for the adoption and He answered. He gave us exactly what we needed in that moment. Those ornaments were like my memorial. It was my reminder. My God is big. I thanked Him. I praised Him and I remembered who He is.

It is really easy to kind of get discouraged right now. We are so busy and bogged down in the details of the adoption. There is so much paperwork and so much preparation. And I cannot imagine actually holding my little baby. It feels so far away. We are being told it could take up to two years. Honestly my heart aches when I think that. I do not want to wait for two years to hold him.

But then God gives me a reminder. My ornaments that are so clearly a picture of how God miraculously provided exactly what we need. He is still orchestrating the details. And I can trust Him.

2010-11-04T07:46:00.003-04:00

So in the past three years or so, our family has been surrounded by marriages that have or are crumbling. We have had very dear and close friends divorce. Some have been very sudden and seem to have come from out of the blue. We have been heartbroken on more than one occasion. There have been times when we literally have had our hearts ripped from our chest by the news of someone close separating. We hurt and ache for those around us. We know God's plan for marriage was never supposed to be this way. We struggle to know how to help. How can we encourage the marriages around us?

It seems like we have more access to resources than ever before. There are more books being written on the subject of marriage than ever. With the internet, facebook, texting, down loadable sermons and more people have more access to the knowledge than they ever did in the past. Yet marriages are still crumbling at an ever increasing rate. There is more knowledge and still more divorce.

In my cries to God, it seems that He has answered that there are two things we need more of. The answer is not more books, more sermons, more counseling, more knowledge. All of those things are fine in and of themselves. And I have been genuinely helped on more than one occasion by all of those. But the real answer. The real depth and longing of our hearts and our families is for more of God and deeper community.

Our families need more of the living breathing active Lord. We need His spirits fire to come in our homes. We need to beg for God's presence. We need to beg that He forgive our sinful, wretched hearts and fill them with Himself. Without Him no sermon, no book, no formula will transform our families. Nothing can redeem and restore what was once broken like God. Some of the marriages around us seem beyond hope. They seem like nothing could make them new again. But I am reminded of a group of people. A group of men and women who were broken and beaten. A group who were sinful and filled with regret. In the book of Acts the second chapter we are told of such a group of men and women. About 120. They were followers of Jesus. Jesus Christ had just recently been crucified. All of those around him fled when he needed them. Peter, his closest friend, denied that he even knew him. These were a group of rejects. They had no hope of any good coming from their lives. They had no hope of anything good coming from what had happened. But they sat together and prayed and waited upon the Lord. And the Holy Spirit came with wind and fire and filled each of them. In verse 41 we are told that 3,000 people came to follow Christ that day. It was not because of the knowledge that people came that day. It was not an eloquent sermon. It was not a really good book. The living, active, working God came and showed Himself. And people were changed. Lives were changed. Marriages, families, homes were restored. People were redeemed. We need more of God. He is the answer.

And He created us to need eachother. We need more real and honest community. Not just seeing each other in church on Sunday. Not just putting on a smile and pretending we are all fine. Obviously we are not. When the rate of divorce within the church is higher than the rate of divorce outside the church we are not fine. Chances are that half of all families that are sitting in church on Sunday will be separated by divorce at some point. We are not ok. Lets be real with each other. We need to be honest. And we need to beg God to work of behalf of one another.

I am not sure what this looks like exactly. But the truth is without God and without each other our families, marriages and lives will continue to crumble. Will you join the revolution? Will you beg God to work in your life? Will you beg God to teach you how to be a better husband, a better wife, a better mom or dad? Will you be open and honest with a few trusted friends about your struggles and joys?

God~
Forgive me for seeking myself. Forgive me for caring more about my desires, my needs, my plans than yours, forgive my complacency, forgive my wandering heart. I am sorry that I spent so long seeking anything but you. Please fill my life with your presence. Please fill me with a desire to do your will. Please fill me with a longing for more of you. Help me not become comfortable with getting just a little of your spirit. Help me to learn to love Todd the way he needs. Forgive me for being selfish and caring more about my needs than his. Teach me to love him. Teach me to love my children. Help us to create genuine community with those around us. Help us to be honest and to share the truth with those we care about. Let your spirit come and fill me. Let your spirit come and fill our home and our family and teach us to do your will. Please come and renew this generation. Please send a revival in our churches, in our homes and let us have new hope. Thank you that despite my selfishness you still seek me and call to me. Thank you that you redeem even the worst of lives. You are the hope. You are our only hope.
In Jesus name I pray.

Amen.

Facebook Rules

2010-11-02T15:34:00.003-04:00

I love facebook. It has helped me reconnect with old friends and stay connected with current ones. It allows me to share photos of the kids with relatives far away. It has been a really good thing. But so many times people use this in ways that are not good. So here are my tongue in cheek facebook rules.

1. Facebook is not the place to hash out problems.
If you feel the need to tell your friend that they are making some poor choices in life, please tell them in person. Do not post on their facebook wall that you think they are an idiot. Seriously it does not help. I am pretty sure it only complicates life for anyone involved.

2. Facebook is not the place to discuss your sex life.
No one wants to know who you are sleeping with or not sleeping with. And those who want to know can ask you in person. Please for every ones sake do not make your status about your latest hook up. Seriously, I go online to say hi to a friend and get inundated with your booty call. No thanks. Please keep it private. If you are so desperate that the world know who you are sleeping with, you probably have some deep seeded emotional issues and should not be sleeping with anybody.

3. Facebook is not the place to talk about your argument with your spouse.
Telling the whole world that your spouse is a douche bag does not make your marriage better. Get off the Internet and go have a reasonable discussion with them. We all do not want to know your dirty laundry.

4. Please keep your clothes on in your profile picture.
Enough said seriously.

5. Please do not update your status 50 times a day.
Do we need to know that you went to the bathroom, are eating a bagel, are washing the dishes, walking the dog, and doing everything else within your day? Ummm, any of those things would be fine to post once in a while. But seriously sometimes people are ridiculous.

6. Do not say anything on facebook that you do not want the world to know.
If you post something on facebook, please do not be mad when the world knows. Every person in your friend status has the potential to see what you wrote. Remember that.

At one time in our history people knew what was appropriate for public display. People somehow think that because you can sit on the computer in your underwear it is a private thing. This list is not conclusive. Please feel free to add.

Lead Me

2010-10-29T09:05:00.005-04:00

The following are lyrics to a song.

The video can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc&ob=av2n

Sanctus Real- Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life

Almost perfect from the outside

In picture frames I see my beautiful wife

Always smiling

But on the inside, I can hear her saying

"Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?"

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone.

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes

They're just children from the outside

I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine

They're independent

But on the inside, I can hear them

"Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?"

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone."

So Father, give me the strength

To be everything I am called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way

To lead them

Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

Don't want to leave them hungry for love

Chasing dreams that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this out home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

When I hear that song it makes me cry. I cry because I see so many families broken. I see so many men who are too busy chasing their own desires and their own dreams to see that their families are hurting and need them. I see men who would rather spend their nights drinking and partying than home with wives who are desperate for them. I see men who are so busy building their careers that they never make time to spend with their kids. I cry.

But I have hope. There are some men who are crying out to lead.

I have one. I have a man who works 9-10 hour days but comes home in time for dinner. I can tell from the look in his eyes that the one thing he would love would be a hot shower and to sit on the couch and do nothing. But he comes home and gets on the floor and plays with our babies. He builds blocks or becomes a human trampoline. He doesn't always want to. But he does it. He puts aside his own desires and does what we need. My man dreams big dreams. He has goals and desires. But he always surrenders his plans to what God wants for our family. He does not forge ahead like he is the only one. He leads us. He is so eager to follow the voice of God. And many times it means the things he loves get put a little on the back burner. I am proud to be lead by Him. I am thankful that he cares enough to do it.

Adoption Update

2010-10-27T16:24:00.003-04:00

So many people have been asking us about how the adoption is going. I have been telling some and giving the short version to most, but here is where we are.

We have started our home study and I am hoping it will be complete sometime in December. Now because it is Christmas time realistically thinking it will probably be somewhere in January. I was super nervous about beginning the home study process. I dissected myself and questioned and worried. We finally met our social worker and right away I felt peace. She is the sweetest lady and helped put our fears at ease. She seemed so genuine and so willing to work with our family towards what God wants.

We have begun the process of filling out paperwork with our agency. The agency that will be placing the baby is separate from our home study agency. There is an overwhelming amount of things we need to fill out and paperwork we need to gather. There is nothing private when you are applying to adopt. Everything in your life is open to questioning. It can feel a bit overwhelming and I have to trust that God will help us get everything done in the right timing.

There are so many things that I am learning during this process. I will eventually share many of them. Some I may keep private. But one thing I am learning more and more is that I need to do what God says.

Phillipians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

More and more I have questions and more I more I have doubts and fears. This is all a new process to us. And as with any new thing in life we can be afraid at times. But I know what I know. I know God lead us here. And I know he will provide. And of that I am certain.

Life Interupted

2010-10-20T22:28:00.004-04:00

So I was making dinner this evening and running around doing five thousand other things when a little two year old voice interupted my thinking. From the couch she said, "Mommy, can you sit next to me?" I almost told her the truth. I almost said that I had so many things to do and needed to hurry and prepare dinner so we can eat before our company arrives. I almost explained how the dishes still needed to be cleaned and put away. I almost did. But the cuteness of the little voice made me say, "Yes."

So I sat next to her. We sat for less than five minutes. I "read" two books. I say "read" because my two year old does not really sit still long enough to read many books. So we looked at pictures. And then I kissed her and then I finished my five thousand things.

It was really simple. But it was a sweet moment.

I pray that I will always make time to sit next to her. She won't remember the meal we had, or the that the dishes were clean. She will remember if mom was always too busy to be with her. I am sad that my life is interupted by dishes and meals.

Random thought

2010-10-19T16:15:00.006-04:00

So I was thinking why is it that as moms whenever we say we need a break or are feeling worn out we qualify it by saying, "I love my kids, but"? Can't we just assume that everyone knows we love our kids. Unless I see you grossly neglecting your kids, I assume you are pretty crazy about them. Why do I think that the moment I utter the words, "I am tired, or I need a break" someone will think I am a bad mom? Can we just be free to admit the truth sometimes without feeling like we will be judged? Because the reality is if you are being a good mom you will get tired. If you are a good mom you cook, clean, shuttle, dress, bathe, cook, clean, shuttle, cuddle, read to, discipline, read to, hug, kiss, cook, clean, hug, kiss, play with, read to, hug, kiss and bed children all day long. If you are human and a good mom you will naturally get tired. So I am going to try and stop qualifying my statements and just let them stand. I think you can assume I love my kids right?

By the way. I could really use like 4 hours where no one touches, talks to, looks at or needs me.

Thanks

2010-10-05T15:22:00.004-04:00

I have written something like this before. I actually stole the idea from a blogger friend. But while I was going into the basement to wash a load of laundry (same load for the second time) I had a little sigh at the vast amount of dirty clothes that were waiting to be washed. And then I stopped and said thanks. So here goes.

1. I am thankful for the mounds of dirty clothes because it means my family has clothing and can stay warm.

2. I am thankful for the dirty dishes in the sink because it means my family has eaten.

3. I am thankful for the toys that are scattered throughout the house because it means I am blessed with children who are healthy enough to run into every corner.

4. I am thankful that we are waiting for our son because it means we have time and will meet him one day.

5. I am thankful that I have a messy home because it means I have a home.

6. I am thankful that I miss my very best friend because it means I am blessed to have a friend.

7. I am thankful that I have to end this blog because I have a little girl who is asking for help because it means I have been blessed to care for this little girl.

What are you thankful for today?

Restless

2010-09-22T15:05:00.004-04:00

My soul is restless. Now that we have the money to begin the adoption I just want to have him home. I have bittersweet feelings. My best friend is pregnant and while talking the other day she and Heather figure out that our baby and hers will probably be pretty close in age. This made me smile and made me sad. I smile because it will be fun to share a child of the same age with her again. My three year old is only a few months younger than her child. And it will be neat to watch them play together. But I was also sad. Sad because I thought about the ramifications. My best friend is enjoying her pregnancy and growing this baby. Somewhere in a country far away a woman is pregnant. She is carrying a child. She is probably filled with joy and anxiousness and all the other feelings a pregnant momma has. But she will not get to be his momma. She will not get to see him take his first steps or say his first word. She will not teach him to read or write or hold him close when he wakes with a bad dream. And although I will never meet her or speak with her our hearts are knit together. She and I will share a love for a little baby boy. A love that only her and I will ever understand. And somehow I wish it did not have to be this way. But I will be so grateful and so happy to be his mommy. And I will never forget the feelings that I have when thinking about her loss and the loss that our little boy will suffer. It is heartbreaking. So my soul continues to be restless. Restless and hurting and longing for the day when I can finally see his face and hold him in my arms. My only comfort comes in knowing that long ago God prepared us to be his family. He prepared us to be there when she could not. And I find my only peace in knowing this is what he has planned for our family.

Garage Sale

2010-09-20T13:37:00.012-04:00

The garage sale is over. We made over $5,000.00 and I learned a few things in this process. Some things I already knew, but was reminded of once more. Here they are:

1. God is incredibly faithful!

We asked God to provide us with $5,000.00. We prayed and waited and did not try to manipulate the situation. And He provided. Not only did He provide the money we needed but everything surrounding the whole sale was orchestrated perfectly. Each day we recieved phone calls or emails from people donating stuff. It was never more than we could handle in a single day. It was always at perfect timing. He orchestrated every detail!

2. We have an incredible support group!

Thursday evening about 10 people came to our house to help set up and get this thing organized. I did not ask anyone. People simply found out what we were doing and asked when they could come over. Friday morning 9 people showed up to help. My parents, Todds mom, Todds and dad and stepmom, my brother and his fiance, my best friend, and our dear friend Kathy. My brothers fiance spent the entire day tirelessly watching our kids. There was not one moment the entire day that people were not there shopping. I had no time to even sit and definitely could not have watched the kids on my own. My mom cleaned my kitchen like a dozen times in the three days. People were running here and there and offering to help in anyway they could. My dad went to buy lunch for everyone because when I planned lunch I was only planning for a couple people. My brother was a champion at organizing. I never even realized he was so good at sorting kids clothing! But he brought order and made the sale much smoother. Todds mom worked tirelessly both days and did anything we needed. She even took the dog for a walk one day because the dog was causing chaos. Todds dad and stepmom worked early and late and on Saturday took our kids away for a fun date. They were so sick of the yard sale! My dear friend Kathy did anything needed including taking a table to a strangers house because it would not fit in the car. My best friend showed up early and stayed late even though she is pregnant and had to work each day. Todds brother and sister inlaw came and carried boxes and sorted clothing and helped us get prepped. This is only the people who helped at the sale. So many friends and family donated stuff and money! I was moved to tears like 100 times in that week. We are so blessed and could never repay any of you for your generosity and sacrifice! We love you.

3. Adoption is so beautiful!

Throughout the sale I heard story after story of families who came to shop who had either adopted children of their own or were adopted as children. Adoption is such a beautiful thing and the stories I heard are treasured in my heart. One woman came to shop with two teenage boys. After talking with her she explained that she had adopted the two boys when they were toddlers. After the family left, the two teenage boys came back and donated a tv and computer and a few other items for us to sell. They were touched by our need and gave to us from hearts of thankfulness.

Thank you Lord for providing! And thank-you to everyone who gave stuff, money or time! We are so grateful for your support!

All to Him I owe

2010-09-12T22:00:00.004-04:00

"I hear the Savior say, Thy strength indeed is small; Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.”

I was listening to those lyrics at church this morning and it struck a cord in my heart. I have struggled and sought and have been trying to make it to the right path. I have tried to manipulate and make things happen on my own. But it was not until I said, "I don't know what to do or how this will work" that God made it happen.

My strength indeed is small. My resources are small. My willingness is small. But God is big. My God is big.

Todd and I made the decision to begin our adoption process and then we decided to wait until we had the $5,000.00 needed for the home study and agency fees. We bgan to pray that God would bring $5,000.00 our way. And we waited. About a month ago, I was pretty sad. I felt like we had heard from God. I felt like this is what He wanted, but the money was not much closer. We were saving, but I knew that we needed something other than ourselves to make this adoption happen. The whole process will cost somewhere around $20,000. So I prayed. One night sad and frustrated from the depths of my heart, I cried. "God, I thought this is what you wanted. I thought you would provide this money. But its not here." I told no one of my frustrations. Not even my husband. The very next day my dear friend Kathy told Todd she wanted to do a garage sale for us to raise money. We had not even told her we had decided to do the adoption for sure. God answered, "Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all." And I have been utterly blown away by the generosity and support we are recieving. I know that this is nothing short of the hand of God. I can never repay this debt. I can never earn it.

I am utterly thankful. From the depths of my heart. My resources are small. But my God is big. My faith is small. But my God is big. My heart is weak. But my God is big. He has paid it all. All to Him I owe.

The chorus of the song goes like this, "Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe; Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

Thank you Lord. Thank you for paying the penalty for my sin. And that alone would have been enough, but you continue to meet my needs and fulfill me. You continue to lead me and provide. Thank you for being a big God.

I just read a post on a blog from a family who has adopted 5 children. It is heart wrenching, and you should read it for yourself, http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/2010/09/while-we-wait.html. But the part that made me smile was this: "While we wait for God to provide...He waits for us to take the first step so He can."

Updates And Adoption

2010-09-02T23:32:00.004-04:00

It has been almost a month since my last post. Crazy how quickly time flies. I have not been posting for a few reasons.

1. We had Claire's birthday party. And as much as I try to keep things simple I tend to be a perfectionist and stress about the tiniest little details. And because I absolutely love baking, I try to always make my kids some really fun birthday cake. Claire's cake was totally fun, but it probably took some years off my life with the amount of time that I spent stressing over it. It turned out great, but it was time consuming.

And I think I tend to worry too much about what my house looks like and how clean something is, so I spent a lot of time in the weeks prior deep cleaning everything.

(On a side note totally random thought, one of my dearest friends came over to watch the kiddos for me so I could suprise Todd with a random afternoon date and I totally stressed about my house being clean. Well, I ran all around that afternoon trying to clean up the morning madness and in my haste threw all the morning dirty clothes down the basement steps. The basement looked horrid, but I reasoned that there was no reason for her to see it, so I need not worry about it. Our basement is not finished and I avoid it at all costs. Now, it just so happened that on that afternoon a tornado hit our area and when we came home guess where my lovely friend and our kiddos were? The basement. I was totally humbled and she had to laugh and tell me she was totally thinking how my house could be so perfect and then she saw the basement and it evened out. Gotta love those moments.)

2. We had a great week long vacation. It was totally rejuvenating and so wonderful. We visited some great friends and spent a lot of family time. More too come about our trip later.

3. We all experienced a yucky midsummer flu bug. And some of us got it more than once. It was not pretty and not fun. No more details needed.

4. We have decided we are adopting.

We have thrown the idea around for some time, but after praying and talking Todd and I have decided to move in that direction. We are only in the beginning stages, but most likely we will be adopting from Ethiopia. One of my dearest friends, Kathy, offered to help us do a garage sale to raise funds for the adoption. So in the past week I have been super busy with trying answer questions and arrange for people to drop off their donated items. I am already super blown away by the generosity of our friends and family. I will definitely be blogging more about this in the months ahead. And will be planning to blog a little more frequently this month.

That is the short version for now. More to come.

Labels

2010-08-04T21:08:00.002-04:00

We have two great kids. One of our kids, however, tends to be a little more defiant than the other. I never realized how compliant Elizabeth was until Claire was born. I realize now a whole new standard of being tested. Claire is the type of personality that is not content to just go along with what the crowd is doing or what mommy says. She needs to test and tempt. She is, however, learning very quickly to obey. And most of the time she is very well behaved and obedient. She is a good girl.

We went to vote the other day and Todd and I had both of the kids with us. Elizabeth was quietly standing next to daddy, but Claire was grabby and curious and not doing well at standing still. Now, honestly, she is a 23 month old. How still can you expect her to be? But one of the poll volunteers made a comment about how Claire was much more testy than her sister. She was definitely testing the limits a bit more, but I was quick to tell the lady that although she was more curious than her sister, she was just as well behaved. She was a good girl. And the curious and discontent people are usually the ones ruling the world.

Claire will test the limits and boundaries in her life for sure. That is part of who she is. She is naturally bent to lead and not follow. But she will either submit to the leading of the Holy spirit and test the limits of the world for Christ or she will deny Him and test all limits. I pray she is lead by the Holy Spirit and denies the things of this world.

But I cannot choose for her. I can, however, point to Christ by example. And every time someone is quick to make a judgement about her I will be there to defend. I never want her to think she is "the bad girl".

Now, several people have made this comment to me about her in the past. So, if you are thinking you have done it, please do not think I hold a grudge. I probably do not even remember everyone who said it because I have heard it several times. I do not think bad of you for making the comment. I just want to always expect and pull out the best out of my children. And so that means I try my hardest to not allow labels to be stuck on them.

It breaks my heart when I hear parents say, within earshot of their kids, "He's got a devil side to him.", "She is so hard to control", "He is my trouble child." This is not to say that we never struggle with our kids or their behavior. Believe me, I have spent countless hours scouring the Internet with the words "how to discipline your defiant child" in my google search. I am no stranger to having trouble with my kids. I just think when we give them labels that are bad we make the bar of expectation really low. And no wonder they live up to it day after day.

I have never said that Claire was a bad girl, but she used to call herself a bad girl a lot. She would throw her cup on the floor and say, "Bad girl." Isn't it funny how they pick up on other peoples perceptions of them? (Scratch that I think I said it once because she was saying it so often, it just came out of my mouth.) I try to tell her very often that she is a very good girl. And I don't think she has said she was a bad girl in a long time. I have two very good girls, so even if you see one of them behaving a little out of the ordinary for a good girl, can you help me by reminding her of what a good girl she is? She responds really well to being reminded of how she should behave. She is, after all, a good girl.

The heart of the matter

2010-08-02T15:33:00.004-04:00

Yesterday at church one of our staff members gave a great message. Within the message was the point about how when we parent our kids we have so many expectations about the outside. We expect them to sit properly, wear proper clothes, say please and thank-you and obey. These are all fine expectations, but sometimes we miss the heart. A child may begrudgingly say please to get the thing they want, but totally have a heart that is not thankful. The point, I think in saying please is to teach them that they cannot demand everything they want. We can change the outside behavior sometimes, but miss the heart completely.

I have thought of this before. I have felt like so many times I parent with the idea that other people are watching. Other people are looking at my kids and see how they are behaving. And I feel like their behavior is a reflection of me. I am not saying it isn't. I truly believe most of the time when young children are unruly it has something to do with how they are being parented. If you have ever watched an episode of Super Nanny you will see that most of the time it is the parents who need to learn how to deal with their kids and the kids usually learn pretty quickly what behavior is acceptable when they are taught correctly. My kids behave well when I am consistently teaching them good behavior. But sometimes they do not do what they are taught. They are, after all, human and they slip up. And those moments it is easy to feel the pressure to make them straighten up.

We have a very dear friend who lost her husband last week. In the wake of the tragedy we were trying to figure out how we can help. My best friend, who happens to be the widows sister, has a daughter the same age as Elizabeth. I talked with her and knew that she needed some clothes for her little girl to wear to the funeral. Elizabeth has a really cute black and white dress that I knew Bella would love and would be appropriate. Elizabeth adores the dress and I knew that it would make Bella smile to be able to wear it. I asked Elizabeth if she would allow Bella to borrow her dress. At first she said no. She did not want to loan it out. I tried to reason with her and tried to coax her into letting Bella wear it. I told her it would make Bella smile because Bella was very sad. She was determined. My mind was racing because I had already told my friend she could borrow it. But I felt a clear sense that I needed to allow Elizabeth to work this out in her heart and make the decision to give on her own. I could force her to give, but I knew that we do not get any value when we are forced to give something. But the times when I have willingly given to someone from my heart it blesses me more than them. So, I reasoned that even if I could not loan her the dress, I would allow Elizabeth to decide. Even if that meant I had to buy Bella another dress to wear, I was leaving it up to Elizabeth to give it.

Her decision was no. I thought about this and decided that because her heart was being selfish the dress should remain in my closet for an undisclosed amount of time. I wanted her to be free to give, but also I wanted her to understand that with selfishness come consequences. I came to her and explained that because she was not willing to give to her friend, who was in need, the dress would remain in my closet and she was not allowed to wear it. I left Elizabeth alone and a few moments later she came to me and asked if she could let Bella wear the dress. And she wanted to throw in her favorite purple and brown tights to go with it. I explained that she may give the dress still if she wanted, but we would keep the tights, as nice as a that was.

We took the dress to my friend shortly after that and Elizabeth wanted to hold it and give it to her friend. She gave her the dress and it made her smile.

I am not sure that everything I did in this situation was perfect. That is the interesting thing about parenting. We kind of learn as we go. I pray a lot for wisdom. I read a lot. I ask questions. But a lot of times I miss it. I miss what is going on in my little girls hearts. Even if they are saying please and thank-you and doing all the right things it is all for nothing if the heart is not engaged.

You see the Bible gives us a great example of a man who had it all right on the outside, but his heart was all wrong. In Luke 15:11-31 we are told the parable of the prodigal son. We have all heard the story. A son leaves his father and squanders his inheritance on wild living and then comes crawling home expecting to be a slave, only to be welcomed with open arms. His father throws a grand party in his honor. But not everyone was happy. You see he had an older brother. An older brother who did everything right. He was obedient and seemingly did all the father asked for, but his heart was missing. Because in the one moment when he should have been celebrating with his father, he was rude and hurtful and just as disrespectful as his younger brother. He was just as wrong as the prodigal son. Only he looked a lot like a "good" son should.

I fear that I will be content with children who look good on the outside. God, our father, cares far more about the condition of our hearts than if out lives are spotless. I want to care more about the condition of my kids hearts too.

And I think that will look messy. Interestingly enough, the speaker at church said, "You may see my boys walking around here sometimes saying words that do not belong in church. And that's OK with me. I care far more when they call each other stupid or jerk than even when they use a curse word. Because I care about their hearts." My kids are far from perfect. I am far from perfect. God is still working on my heart and I pray my kids allow Him to work on theirs. In the mean time when you see us we will probably be a little messy.

Jiminy Cricket

2010-07-20T14:06:00.006-04:00

I was listening to a radio broadcast last night and I heard a pastor talking about a book he had written. It was all about lies that Christians believe. One of the truths that really hit home to me was "Let your conscience be your guide."

I have heard this many times. Your conscience, according to some, is what tells you right from wrong. It sounds good. It even sounds true. But the truth is our conscience is not to be our guide. Our conscience merely reminds us when we our going outside of what we believe is "good." The conscience cannot be the absolute truth and final authority. If it was, then why do so many people believe different things about right and wrong? Why do individuals even change their mind about what they think is right within their lifetime, if the conscience is the final authority?

We cannot let what we believe about right and wrong dictate how we behave. So many would have total peace and think it was absolutely fine to love those who love us and hate those who hate us. It seems completely justified to mistreat someone who has mistreated you. And most people would have clear conscience about such behavior.

What do we do then with verses like this...
Matthew 5:43-48 "You have heard it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect."

It is not natural to love your enemies. Well, at least for me it's not easy. It does not feel like I am doing the right thing, necessarily. My conscience feels completely justified in treating them the way they treat me.

So either my conscience is wrong or God's word is wrong. I happen to believe that the Bible is the perfect, infallible word of the living God. So, I need to believe that I cannot trust my conscience. If you also believe in the Word of God then I encourage you to mistrust yours as well. I challenge you that if you have "peace" about something that the Bible states is wrong your peace is not from the Lord. And you are obeying something other than God's word.

Neighbor

2010-07-14T23:28:00.005-04:00

We have lived in our home for 5 years. Our home is in a unique spot. We have only one real neighbor. They live across the street. An elderly couple. They have lived in their home for over 40 years. Bob, the man, is pretty set that he wants things within our little nook to be the way he likes it. During the past 5 years we have had our share of neighbor issues. Bob does not like that our lawn is sometimes a little long. He does not like when we leave things on our porch. He has expressed to us countless times the many things he does not like that we do.
I have tried to be respectful of him. I have become pretty angry at some of the things that he does. But I have tried to be kind. We bake them cookies. We wave and say hi when we go outside. Our kids get so excited to see him and his wife and they beg to go and talk to them. I actually am pretty fond of his wife, Nancy. She is a sweet Christian woman. I have prayed with her on our lawn a few times. She bakes us goodies and brings presents to the kids at Christmas time.
But today Bob crossed a line. He came over to the house tonight. I was gone and Todd was inside playing with the kids. Todd opened the door and Bob proceeded to tell him that we needed to "shut that F***ing dog up." Todd had been playing with the kids and apparently the dog was outside. Todd said he heard her barking and that it may have gone on for about 5 minutes. But Bob was livid. He told Todd that we needed to not let her bark or he was going to sue us. This is not the first time he complained about our dog. I tend to not let her bark for a long time. But the reality is that sometimes when you have kids going outside to get the dog is not the priority. So she might bark for 5 minutes while I am changing a diaper or helping Liz go potty. Or sometimes it is because I am in the middle of 400 things at once and Riley is bottom of the totem pole. But she rarely ever barks for longer than 5 minutes. Except for the occasion two years ago, that Bob still remembers, when we were at a wedding rehearsal and we had a babysitter for our kids. The babysitter apparently left the dog out for 1/2 hour barking. Bob called us to tell us to get the dog inside. I am pretty sure that our dog barking does not warrant being sued. But anyway. I am not so angry that he "hates dogs" as he told Todd. And I am not really angry that everything we do is under his scrutiny. I am more upset that when Todd came in my girls had to ask why Bob was yelling at their daddy. I am mad that he would have such arrogance and disrespect to come to my home and treat my husband that way in front of our kids. I mad that he thinks that he has the right to tell us exactly how we should behave within his radius. I am upset that he threatens to sue us over our dog barking for 5 minutes when just a few months back he ran a skidster over our septic field.
I was reminded in my anger of the verse Matthew 5:44 "But I tell you: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (NIV) I did not feel like praying for him. I do not feel like loving him. But then Todd told me that after he came in the house and the girls asked why Bob behaved that way, Todd told them that Bob was having a bad day and then my kids prayed for him. It is so simple. And I will pray for him. And I will love him. And maybe we will make them cookies.
I feel a bit better after praying for him and after my blog therapy.

Polar Bears and Cleaning

2010-07-12T15:20:00.006-04:00

I am not quite sure when it began. Whenever I clean the kitchen floor I take all of the table chairs and line them up in such a way to block the kids in the living room. It gets the chairs out of the way and creates a barricade to keep them from running in my dirt piles. But now for some reason whenever I create the barricade Elizabeth pretends they are in a polar bear cave. The polar bears are sometimes friendly, sometimes sleeping, sometimes very mean. We have sung them lullabies and the kids have made them dinner all in attempts to keep them from attacking.

Today I made the polar bear cave and cleaned the floor. Today the polar bear games continued long after the barricade was returned to the table. While I was putting away a basket of laundry upstairs I heard scurrying little feet. And when I came down to see what was going on I was informed that one of the polar bears attacked Claire and hurt her very badly. Claire was being nursed back to health by Elizabeth. Elizabeth held a play kitchen pot-holder around Claire's arm for about 15 minutes. I was extremely surprised that Claire sat still for that long and that Elizabeth was willing to sit and hold it on her for that amount of time.

Fast forward to lunch time. Elizabeth was doing way more playing than eating and way more talking than she should have. Elizabeth then informed me that the polar bears were coming to the table and we needed to stop eating. I told her that I had put special polar bear repellent in her mac and cheese and veggies and if she ate them the polar bears would not be able to get her.
This was very intriguing to her. She asked all sorts of question.

Where did you get this stuff?

My pocket.

Can I see it?

No it is invisible.

Is it in there?

Yes.

Is it in there for real?

Well, no not for real. But the polar bears are only pretend, so we can pretend we have repellent.

Mom saves the day again.

Michaels Part Two and Saying No

2010-06-30T13:45:00.003-04:00

I went back to Michaels today to purchase cake pan number two and use 40% off coupon number two. I found said pan and went to check out lane. After waiting for a moment Elizabeth announced she had to pee and when I told her she needed to wait she proclaimed, "It's coming out." So we quickly ran to the back of the store to the restroom. Used restroom and came back to the line which of course had grown. We waited in line and while waiting my eye was drawn to a super cute gift card holder. I thought to myself, "I think I will get that." Immediately I used my brain and told myself, "No way. They will not win." You see I understand that the whole reason they wanted me to come back to the store twice was because I might buy more if I am in the store one more time. So I resisted the urge to buy the super cute gift card holder and reasoned that sticking a gift card in a card is much more practical. We made our purchase and I actually saved only $8.00. $8.00 is still a savings.
Then we promptly left and went to Mcdonalds where I spent $7.00 for lunch. Anyone see the humor in that? Ohh well.
I went to Mcdonalds because I read an article yesterday that said when at all possible say yes to your kids. Now, the article was not trying to turn our children into some self centered brats. It is important that we do not give our child every single thing they ask for. They cannot think they are the center of the universe. Or they will behave like that. It was simply pointing out that we as moms have to say no a lot. We have to say no for a lot of good and practical reasons. Like when my child asks if they can jump off the back of the couch. I say no because I do not want her to break her head. I say no when she wants to stay up past bedtime because she needs rest and so do I. I say no when she wants to take some toy from her sister. I say no a lot and my kids are better off for it. But, sometimes we say no without any real reason. We simply say no because we are programed in our brains to say no. Like when Elizabeth asks for the 500th time if she can paint. I say no because I don't want to clean it up. Or when they ask if they can color. I say no because I am busy and do not want to stop and find crayons and paper. I say no and do not even know why sometimes. So today I said yes. We were leaving Michaels and Elizabeth asked if we could go to the play area at Mcdonalds. I thought about it for a moment and almost said no. No because we have perfectly good food at home. No because it costs money and is not the healthiest meal. But then I did not say anything at all. Instead I drove in the direction of Mcdonalds and when we were getting close to the driveway Elizabeth said, "Mom, can we go?" I said, "I don't know hunny." And as I pulled in the parking lot there were shrieks of excitement. We went in and they played and then we ate lunch. It was fun and I am glad I said yes. Yes to Mcdonalds and no to the gift card holder. Michaels did not win today.

Dear Michaels

2010-06-29T14:58:00.003-04:00

Dear Michaels-
I am not really angry at you. Just a bit agitated that today of all days I was serviced by the one person in your store who follows rules and would not allow me to use my two 40% off coupons at the same time. I was buying two of the exact same items. Two large sheet cake pans. The 40% off coupon would allow me to save about $9.00. I really wanted to buy both of those cake pans today. This would save me a lot of energy and prevent me from having to drag my two children back into your store on a whole other day. You see we have a lot of very important summer activities we need to be doing. Like swimming and playing and anything other than taking two kids under three into your store. I was even willing to have two separate orders, so it would seem like I was two different customers. But no. Today, of all days, the person who waited on me decided it was very important to follow the rules. More important than making me drag my children back into your store on another day. So if on the day that we return one of my children happens to break something I will not be held responsible.

Sincerely,
Return customer

(Ok, so I really would not allow my children to break something. I do try to reign then in when we are out in public. And I am not really angry. But just irked because I have seen cashiers bend the rules for customers and I was just hoping I would get one of those cashiers today. But alas I did not. God is probably trying to teach me something. Like maybe we should follow rules. Or maybe, I just needed a good laugh. I like that one better. )

Dreams

2010-06-27T21:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on in my head that I want to burst. By nature I am a people person. I crave and thrive with interaction. That can be a bit discouraging when you are a mom of young kids. So often the only interaction I get in a day is with the three and under crowd. I love it. Don't get me wrong. I really love being a mom. It is like a dream come true. I adore my children and I take the role very seriously, but I dream some days of doing different things.

I dream of speaking publicly. I dream of sharing my heart and my God with other women and moms. I dream of being able to use the life experiences I have had to help other people. I dream of standing beside other women and encouraging them.

Its hard to share my dreams. In all honesty, I am a bit afraid to share that. Afraid that maybe I will never do any of those things and I will look silly for admitting them. I am afraid that maybe I will do those things and fail miserably. But I dream of other things too.

I dream that one day we will adopt a son. I dream one day we will bring a baby into our home that needs a family and that our lives will be forever changed by him.

I dream that our family will live in real community with those around us. I dream that our church friends can become more like our church family and we will not feel so alone some times. That we will be and look like the early church that gave and shared and sacrificed for one another.

I dream that my children will grow to know and serve the living God. I dream that they would follow Him all of their days. I dream that when my children think about their mother they will think about a woman who led them to Jesus and loved them with grace and compassion.

I dream that I will be a woman who brings good to her husband all the days of his life. I dream that I will love him and give to him more than he does to me. I dream that I would think about his welfare above my own. I dream that our marriage would defy all odds and look so different from the cultural norm.

I dream that I would love God and pursue Him with every breath I take. I dream that at the end of my days he would say to me, "Well done. Good and faithful servant."

And I guess, if I am honest, even if all of my other dreams do not come true, if the last one does, nothing else matters.

What the future holds

2010-06-22T13:27:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about the things that I desire for my life. Lately my mind has been so occupied with the things that I forget to take in the moments. Many of the "things" are good, wonderful, excellent things, but when I turn my eyes upon those and focus on them instead of the Lord I am unhappy and discontent.
So today I want to say thank you to the Lord. Thank you for taking control of my life and comforting me even in the hard times. Thank you for leading me and directing my path.
From the first moments I can remember thinking about my future I always wanted to be a mom and wife. It was so strong and the desire was so real. I wondered if it would ever be. I worried that for some reason God would give me the exact opposite of every thing I desired. (I am not sure where that thought comes from). I thought I may never get married and therefore live my life as a single, christian spinster.
I remember when I was about 17 years old I was in a season of life where I was making tough decisions. (College, majors and etc.) I was really anxious and filled with so much doubt about what the future may hold. One day God spoke so clearly to me through the Bible. It was like he wrote this verse specifically for me. 1st John 4:16-18 And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us, God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (NIV) That verse brought so much peace to me. It reminded me that the God that I am trusting with the future loves me and cares for me.
That was almost 10 years ago. Over the past 10 years my dreams have come true. I was blessed to marry a wonderful man and we were blessed with two beautiful children. Every day of the past 10 years was not easy. Everything did not happen the way I hoped or wished. But I am so thankful that God did not do everything my way. And I think back to the fears and worries I held onto 10 years ago and I want to go back and tell that young woman to trust. I want to tell her to let go of her fears and rely on God. He will take care of you. No matter what the future holds.
I want to tell that young woman that and yet today I find that same young woman alive and well in me. I find myself worrying and struggling to control the future. I find myself full of fear and thinking that the worst will be what comes about. Why is it so easy for me to forget? Why do I think that the God who controlled and comforted me in the past will abandon me in the future?
I would like to tell you that I will stop. I would like to say that I am full of faith and hope for the future. Sometimes I am. Some days are good. But some days I am still so full of fear and doubt. I cling to those fears and worries like a life raft. It is easier if I live one moment at a time. So in this moment, I am thankful. I am content. I am trusting. I am hoping. I am believing. I am praising my creator and clinging to Him. And in those moments He reminds me that even while I cling to my false life savers he holds me and leads me. He is faithful even when I am not. I am relying on His love.

Daddy

2010-06-16T23:32:00.002-04:00

In honor of fathers day, I want to share with you about my daddy. He is handsome, isn't he?

My daddy is my hero. He is a man who has always taken care of my brother and I. Growing up, dad always made sure we had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. He worked hard and long hours to provide for our family. And he took good care of us. He and my mom sacrificed so many of their plans and dreams to give us the things we needed.

My daddy is the one that I can call anytime of day and he will drop anything to be there if I need him. At times I have called him in a panic. One day, Claire locked herself in her bedroom and I could not open the door. I called Todd and he said he was coming straight home, but he was working about a half hour away. He suggested I call my dad. I did and in about 10 minutes my daddy was there and had my girl free. He drops everything to run when I need him. For that I am thankful. He is a busy man. He has about two hundred phone calls a day. So many people demand his time and attention. But whenever I need him, he comes no matter what.

My daddy has no formal business education and yet he built a thriving business from the ground up. He is super intelligent and is in high demand in his field.

I am so thankful that I was blessed with my daddy! I love you dad. Happy fathers day!

Blue Bowl

2010-06-15T23:34:00.004-04:00

We have a blue plastic bowl in our house that we use for the kids baths. I am not really sure where it came from. I do not remember it pre-baby. But as far back to our first child and first days of bathing I remember the blue bowl. It has been incredibly useful. We use it to rinse out hair and entertain children. It can even be found to be used as a doggy water dish in the middle of the night. It sits in the bathroom with the kids bath toys. It is not treated well. It is washed periodically with other bath toys and rinsed out along with the bathwater. It is not noble. But it is extremely useful. It has, at times, come up missing. And I always miss it when bath time comes, if it is not accessible. This extremely un-special object is integral to our daily life.

I have been thinking lately about being like the blue bowl. You see in God's kingdom I often want to do something really noble and profound. We pray for God to use us in great things. We pray that we could have huge impacts. And then so often we feel the drudgery of the day to day. Nothing really grand happens. No big call to duty. And it is here, that I have been living. Today I heard the soft whisper of the holy spirit beckoning me to be like the blue bowl.
Romans 9:21 "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" (NIV)

It is here that I sit. I wake up change diapers, change clothes, brush hair, brush teeth, make breakfast, wipe counters, wipe faces, wipe butts, wipe noses, change clothes, make lunch, wipe counters, wipe faces, change diapers, put down for nap, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, make dinner, wipe counters, wipe faces, put to bed. During all of this I referee 10,000 fights over some toy or some child who does not want to play some game that the other wishes to play. I hear 10,000 mommy I need this, mommy do this, mommy hold you. I feel pulled and torn and lonely. I feel like my life is not profound or noble or useful. But I am reminded that within the day to day, life happens. Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. I may feel like the minutes do not matter. But when my child asks me to hold them and I do, they are being loved. When I wipe noses and butts and counters without complaining my children see the fruits of the spirit. When I respond with patience, even in the midst of extreme circumstances, I am teaching them how to love.

It is humbling and the weight of that job is too much. Thankfully, I am told John 15:5 "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." When I am daily and every moment abiding in my Lord, I can live this life. And even the ordinary things can become great.

Redemption

2010-06-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

So my faith is restored, at least for the gentlemen. Yesterday, while I was walking into the mall with my double stroller a guy actually came from inside the store to the outside to hold the door for me. And then he even walked to the next set of doors and held those. And it was totally out of the goodness of his heart. He had a beautiful young woman by his side and I proceeded to tell him thank you and tell her that she had snagged a very good man! Nice job mall door holder man! You have redeemed your sex in the chivalry department.

BP

2010-06-08T13:53:00.003-04:00

I have heard a million opinions on the BP oil spill. And to add to the mix I want to share my thoughts.

First of all it is a tragedy. The animals and wildlife that will be hurt or killed is devastating. The people who are losing their livelihood as a result of the spill is devastating. The fisherman who cannot fish and small town bait shops and such that cannot sell are truly heartbreaking. It is sad and awful. But it was an accident. I have no idea why or how it happened. I am sure when the smoke clears we will find out some very technical thing that went wrong that caused this tragic accident. It was most likely some sort of human error. But that is the human element. We are imperfect and make mistakes. Someone screwed up. And someone screwed up big time.

I do, however, think that in the wake of this tragedy BP has handled themselves well. I do not think they were perfect. The CEO clearly made some rough comments in the beginning. But they are committed to cleaning up this mess. They could have walked away. They could have broken the lease and walked away and said this was the government's mess. They did not. They chose to stay and devote man power to fixing it.

So as Christians, I think our response should be to pray for them. We should pray for the leak to be fixed quickly and for the people in charge to have wisdom to fix this mess. And I think we should buy BP gasoline. I have heard people call for a boycott on BP stations. I think it is riciculus
BP does not make the majority of their revenue from BP stations anyway. If you boycott your local BP station the only people that will suffer will be your local BP franchise holder. A local small business person. That is who will suffer. A small business owner who is trying to feed their family and pay their bills. Is it their fault? And in all honesty now is not the time for a boycott. I seem to get this sense from some people that simply because BP makes a lot of money they are evil. I do not think BP intentionally spilled tons of oil into the ocean. Can we seriously believe that? Does anyone really? Someone made a mistake and it was probably not the CEO. It was probably some midlevel employee working to feed his family and pay his mortgage. Someone certainly made a big mess.

We can choose to hate BP and not shop at BP stations. We can, but I really don't think it will hurt BPs bottom line. In the end we will only be hurting someone like ourselves. We can choose forgiveness and work towards a solution. That would be far better.

And also I think we still need to keep drilling. We are dependent on oil for our way of life. Do we need to find a better way? Absolutely. But in the mean time I do not like the idea of being completely dependant upon the Middle east for our very way of life. Aren't these the very people who have flown planes into our buildings and killed thousands of American citizens. Now I know not every person in the Middle East is a terrorist. But how do we know who we can trust? How do we know that some terrorist group will not infiltrate our oil supply? It seems to me that we have branded the wrong bad guys.

Ladies and Gentlemen

2010-06-04T14:16:00.003-04:00

So I need to rant. When did we as a society lose the ability to be gracious? Here is what is bugging me....

Ladies-
When did it become appropriate for 16 year old girls to wear shorts that say "SEXY" on the rear end? When did wearing a shirt that covers your bra become optional? It is suddenly acceptable for bra straps, and or snaps to be showing. If you do not have a bra that cannot be seen under a certain shirt then I think the shirt is what needs to go, not your bra. When did a swimsuit become appropriate attire for the grocery store? Why in the world do people buy shorts that do not even cover the whole butt cheek? And when did these hideous t-shirts that say things like "It's all about me", or "I am so Hot" become acceptable attire? If we cannot act like ladies than men will not treat us like one. It makes a lot of sense. I see far too many women acting like men or even worse looking like hookers.

Men-
While walking into MCDS the other day an elderly man dressed in nice clothes completely dropped the door in my face and the face of another elderly woman. He saw us. He clearly saw we were behind him. Ok, so even if you do not feel like standing there and being the doorman and letting everyone go in front of you at least hold the door behind you. When did slamming the door in the face of women become a manly thing to do? And seriously, do you know how many times I have struggled with my double stroller to make it into some door when there was a young man right there who could have easily held the door for me? Maybe if I wear something that says "SEXY" on my rear they will notice and hold the door. I give up.

Broken

2010-06-01T14:38:00.002-04:00

Has your heart ever been truly broken? My head has so much swirling around inside of it. But my heart is broken.

I weep for the millions of orphans who have no one to hold them and comfort their tears. For the children who cry but have no comfort. For the children who are cold and have no shelter. For the bellies that are hungry and have no nourishment.

I weep for the thousands of foster care teenagers who have never known a true family who will suddenly turn 18 and "age out" of the system. As if that magic number now makes them capable and prepared to face the world.

I weep for the children who live in homes where they are neglected. Homes where mom or dad are too stoned or drunk to notice them. Homes where they never know if they will wake up to a parent who cares or one who has passed out and cannot respond to their needs.

I weep for the children and I wish my tears could fill their need.

My tears cannot. But we can.

I pray for the children. I pray that the Church can do God's will.

James 1:27

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (NIV)

Marked

2010-05-27T20:29:00.005-04:00

It must be the weather. I am thinking that the sudden surge of beautiful weather is making Michigan people feel a little more concern and care because all of a sudden I have heard like a zillion times this week, "What happened to her head?", "Poor baby she got a good bump." If you are wondering what I am talking about I will enlighten you.

My sweet baby Claire was born with a Hemangioma on her fore head. For those of us who did not know that word existed, it is simply a birthmark. When she was born it was barely noticeable. As she grew, it also grew. Now it is only slightly noticeable. Her hair often covers it.

I generally do not get upset when someone says something. And if you happen to be someone who noticed at some point, don't worry. I probably do not even remember. I always try to respond very politely and tell the person asking that it is simply a birthmark. People generally feel really bad for asking and I can tell, so I am not mad at the moment.

But right now I wish to vent. We were walking into a public bathroom a few hours ago and a nice older woman noticed the mark and asked what happened. I politely told her it was a birthmark and walked away. What struck me was when we walked away, Claire repeated, "Birthmark, birthmark." And in my head I wondered, what will she think of herself as she grows? Will she always be self conscious of it? Will she always have to explain that she did not bump her head? Will it simply fade away like so many doctors have told me it would?

I don't know. I want to shelter her. I don't want her to feel like her head looks so awful that people assume she has been dramatically injured. She is desperately beautiful. She has captivating eyes and gorgeous hair. And her spirit draws you in. I want people to notice so much more than her "bump" on the head.

And I know that people generally mean well when they ask. I never even knew such a birthmark existed, so I understand why people ask.

I just have had enough this week.

Here is my girl. Two pictures of her. The bump is just under her hairline. Maybe you can see it. But I hope that you notice so much more.

TIME

2010-05-06T14:29:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things about Todd is that he values time. When he gets together with a friend he could spend 5-6 hours just talking with them. Time spent with someone is very valuable to him.

Over the course of our life together we have had many different seasons. There was our season of dating when we spent very little time alone together. We were both busy with school, jobs and ministry. There were times after we were married that were extremely hard as well. When we bought our first house we completely gutted every room. Todd would work during the day and then work on our house late into the evening. Sometimes he would work until 2-3 am and then get back up and do it all again. Those seasons were hard, but they have been few.

When we had a family Todd made a commitment to spend time with me and our kids. Quality time cannot be planned. Quality time is quantity time. We can make the best plans to spend a grand day with our children, but then one is crabby or sick and the time is ruined. If that moment was the only one planned in a week it would be lost.

Todd has a lot of things that can demand his attention. He is self employed in the home remodeling business. He is extremely gifted and has plenty of people pulling at his time. He could work 90 hours a week. He has had seasons where he was forced to work many hours at a time, but those are rare. He has made a commitment to be home with us for dinner on most nights. I heard a speaker once say he interviewed some men around 50- 60 years old. These men were in in different professions, but all very successful. The speaker asked each one if they had any regrets in their life. Without fail, every man said he wished he has spent more time with his family. Amazingly all of those men had achieved worldly success, but they all realized they had missed out on something more valuable.

Todd focuses on the things that are most valuable and for that I am thankful. Even seemingly good, valuable worthy things can sometimes draw a man away from his family. Work, ministry, hobbies, sports, and friends can all be good healthy involvements. But when a man sacrifices his wife and children for these things it can be destructive.

That does not mean that Todd does not work hard. He works extremely hard. And that does not mean that he does not have friends or hobbies. He has friends, but the time he spends with those friends has to be much more focused and intentional now. And we both have a huge heart for doing ministry. But in this season of our life our ministry is much more about connecting personally and loving on friends and family than it is about being a part of a specific ministry.

Life has seasons. But we only have one life. Our children are only young once. I am so thankful for a husband who is there to share life and mold them with me.

LOVE STORY part 6

Letter to myself

2010-05-06T13:26:00.003-04:00

If I could I would write a letter to myself 6 years ago and give it to me on the night before my wedding here is what I would say...

Dear Jessica-

You are about to marry a man that you love deeply. I know that you feel so much excitement and hope for the future, but here are some things I want you to know.

1. You will not always feel in love.
Marriage is hard. Your feelings of exhilarition will not last. You will have moments when you do not feel like you even like this man you are married to. You will feel like giving up. You will feel like things will never get better. Hold on. Continue to choose to love and respect him. Do things that remind him of your love. Do special things for him even if you do not feel it. For some reason when you choose to love him, despite how you feel, your feelings change. And somewhere along the road you will realize you love him more deeply and completely than you ever thought possible.

2. You are so different from eachother.
You know men and women are different, but you still imagine that he somehow thinks like you. He does not. He thinks so differently from you that sometimes it will blow your mind. Your mind is so much like spagetthi. Everything in your life runs into the other and you can easily shift in a conversation from one noodle to the next. He is like a waffle. He has all these nice little boxes that everything in his life fits into. Think about it like this... You are having a conversation about something going wrong with the car and then quickly throw in that you have dinner plans for Saturday and then Saturday arrives and he acts like he has no clue that you had dinner plans. You will get mad. You will think he was not listening. He was listening, but he was in the box of the car and trying to wrap his brain around a solution. He was not being malicious. He was not being mean. He was trying to help you with the car. He cannot shift as quickly from one box to another. The sooner you figure this out, the easier both of your lives will be. He is not stupid. Do not mistake his unique wiring for stupidity. You will be thankful for his way of thinking many times in your life. He will be your rock when your plate of spaghetti is overflowing. He will help you sort through your mess one issue at a time. You will find yourself coming to him over and over because his way of thinking is so helpful.

3. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
He is a much better man than you even know. He is so full of integrity and genuine love for you. When you are having a conversation with him and he says something that you find offensive, stop and tell him. Ask him what he meant. Chances are he meant something much more kind and loving than the way you took it. He will try to avoid making you upset at all costs, so chances are he will not say something to hurt you intentionally.

4. Sex will get so much better.
In the beginning it will be akward. And it will hurt. It will not be that enjoyable for you. You need to share your feelings. He cares genuinely for how you feel and enjoys sex so much more when you enjoy it with him. You need to talk about sex. You should not be afraid to share with him the things that you like and the things that you dislike. Over time the two of you will learn eachother and believe me it will be soooo enjoyable. ;)

5. Trust Him
The two of you will not always agree with eachother. There will be times in life when you are both wanting to go down different paths. He values your opionion. Share it with him. Share it without whining and he will listen. He will not always agree, but you should submit to him. He will not always make the perfect decision. But he is a good man. He loves the Lord with all of his heart and he genuinely wants to lead your family down the right path. Submit and know that when you do, you are not only showing Todd that you trust him, but you are showing God that you trust Him. Todd may make mistakes, but your heavenly father will never forsake you. And more times than not you will find that Todd made the right decision.

6. Choose your children last.
Today you have no concept of the beautiful gifts that God will bring in the form of your children. But when you have them, be careful to choose your husband before them. Choose your marriage before your kids. It sounds good on paper, but practically it is hard to do. It will be hard to leave your children with a sitter. It will be even harder to leave them overnight or for a weekend. Do it anyway. You will be amazed at how good it will be for you and how healthy your marriage will be when you do. Todd will be with you long after those children are grown and gone. And your children will be ok. They will actually thrive when they know that mommy and daddy love one another.

7. Be quick to apologize.
You are going to say things that you never imagined you could say to the man you love. You are going to be rude to him. You are going to neglect him. You are going to be selfish. You are going to do a lot of things that you should not. Be quick to tell him you are sorry. You will be surprised at how willing to forgive you he is. He will offer you so much more grace than you deserve. Tell him when you are wrong. And tell him quickly. Do not let the night pass. It will make it worse. Do not let your pride keep you from reconciling. You will regret it every time that you do.

You have so much to learn over these next few years. Ultimately I want you to know that you need God much more than you think you do. He will be the rock that sustains you when your marriage is hard. He will be your comfort and the gentle reminder to come back to your husband. He is a good God and he has blessed you tremendously with a good man. Thank Him. Praise Him. Love Him and learn to love your husband more and more.

MOM

2010-05-05T16:39:00.006-04:00

In honor of mothers day I want to share with you about the wonderful woman I call mom...

My mom was the youngest child of the family and at a young age she lost her father. For many years she and her mother struggled along alone. In a time when single mothers were rare. I think this time made her strong. She is one tough woman. She is beautiful and feminine, but she is not afraid of hard work and getting her hands dirty. She can do almost any work that a man can do and do it well. She is not afraid to jump up in one of their excavators and drive it around. She is tiny and petite and you may think when looking at her that she is fragile. But she has been through some tough times and come out strong. She works hard every day of her life. Growing up, I remember numerous times my dad saying, "Can't you just rest?" She was always busy. She worked long hours at a physically demanding job. She came home and cooked for us, cared for us, cleaned the house. She made a nice home for us. Looking back I always saw her busy. As a mom, I now know, she was busy making a home for us. She was busy sacrificing her energy and time and life, so we can be taken care of. I did not realize how much she sacrificed while we were growing up. As a mom, now I know.

My mom worked hard and made a nice life for us. But she also cared for us deeply. I remember my mom taking days off work in the summer and taking us to special places like the water park and play lands. Those times were always times we looked forward to. I also remember being a very small girl having a special time every Friday night where we would watch TGIF together and I would play with her hair. I enjoyed so much the special times she spent with me. Today when I bake cookies with my daughters I think about the special times we used to bake peanut butter cookies with my mom. (We mostly did the eating part.) I am thankful for a mom who cared so much for her family.

My teen years were hard on our relationship. I was hormonal and moody and felt misunderstood. I still remember her giving me cards during that time that said she loved me and was proud of me even though the season was hard.

When I got married and moved away my mom and I began to share a closeness again. She is one of my very best friends. She is the one I call when things are really tough. She is the one who I can count on to come over in the middle of the night. Or the one who comes over when I am sick to make me take a nap and clean my house. She is the one I run to when I need someone to watch the kids in a pinch. And she never complains. In fact when I ask her to watch my kids she is excited for it. She says, "grandchildren are more fun than children." She is still a hard worker and I am not sure how she can clean her house, run a business and still manage to find time for me. But she does. She does it all.

And on Mothers Day I just wanted her to know that I am thankful for her example as a mother. I am thankful for so much that she taught me. And how much she sacrificed and continues to sacrifice for me. Thank you mom for caring so deeply for your family!

Love You Mom!

Hedge of Protection

2010-05-04T14:27:00.003-04:00

I heard an author speaking about a book he had written about protecting your marriage. The idea of the book was that all marriages are in danger of infidelity. The good marriage is one where the husband and wife both create hedges around their marriage to protect each other.

In all honesty I do not think most people set out to have an affair. I think affairs happen when someone is vulnerable and hurting and does not have proper boundaries. All of a sudden an innocent friendship turns into something more. It is not planned, but it is not an accident.

I am thankful that I have a husband who protects me and has created hedges around our marriage to keep us safe. Here are some things he does to protect me...

He is never alone for a meeting, meal, recreational time with another woman outside of family.
This means he does not meet a female friend for lunch. He does not plan alone time with another woman for any purpose. Now this particular one is tricky. He is self employed in home remodeling. So that means there are moments when he is working at a home when the wife may be the only one home. It is almost unavoidable in his business. For us that has been ok. But he always tells me where he is and I have the right to say no to anything that makes me uncomfortable. There was a time last year when he was supposed to meet a customer at Home Depot to pick out some tile. The customer was female and they would have been alone. In some cases that is ok with me. Often many of his customers are older couples and that would not bother me very much. But this particular customer was younger. I told him I was uncomfortable, so he called the customer back and made arrangements for her to pick out the tile and him to pick it up later. Was it awkward for him? I am sure. But he loves me enough to protect me and our marriage.

He never talks about being attracted to another woman (Even jokingly)
I have heard other guys make comments about finding particular actresses hot. Todd never makes light of pointing out other women. I do not think it is healthy and it certainly does not make the wife feel secure when a man finds other woman attractive and makes it a point to tell his wife. In the book about protecting your marriage the author tells a story about two young christian couples who spent a lot time together. The husband from couple one and wife from couple two often made a joke about finding the other attractive and leaving their spouses for one another. It was seemingly innocent enough, but eventually one came to the other and asked if they were serious. They ended up divorcing their spouses and marrying each other. That marriage did not last either. Todd protects me by keeping his attention and eyes focused on me.

This includes pornography. Many, many men in our society view pornography. Some say they find nothing wrong with it. I was in a video store one day and while I was looking for a movie an older man walked by me. His eyes caught mine. I had a hunch he was headed for the porn section. When his eyes caught mine, he quickly changed direction and stood for a few moments looking at some movie. He did not continue on to the porn section until I looked away. People say they find nothing wrong with it. But I think deep down they do. I think deep down they know that it is damaging to their own souls and their marriage. And it is. When a man views pornography he is setting his spouse up to compare to something unattainable. A real woman cannot compare with those airbrushed figures. And she should not have to try.

I am thankful that Todd keeps his eyes for me alone.

I am thankful that I am married to such a good man. A man who protects me and our marriage.

For Love Story part 5

**** So in writing this I had a thought that some people may think I am being judgemental towards them or that we have a perfect marriage and perfect life. We do not have a perfect marriage. We have had struggles and conflicts. Maybe some day we can share those with some of you. Most of those struggles are not easy to share in a public forum. So I will not. I have learned that it is so much easier to look at the negative things in our spouse. So I have made it a point to say things about my husband that are uplifting. So many women in our society talk extremely negative about their spouse. I have been guilty of that many times. My plan is to never say things that are not uplifting about Todd. There are moments when I genuinely need to share struggles in our marriage with someone. In those times I choose (carefully) a trusted friend who will fight for my marriage. In those times I need to be careful to share with someone who loves and respects my husband. It is easy for someone to look down on your spouse and bash them with you and in the moment it vindicates you and helps you feel better momentarily. I do not ever want to make our struggles about airing our dirty laundry. I am thankful that I have friends who are quick to mourn with me when I am sad, but also careful to correct me when I am not respecting my husband.

Integrity

2010-05-03T14:46:00.003-04:00

I trust my husband implicitly. I have never known a man that was so full of integrity as Todd. He is honest, trustworthy and dependable. I have never known him to be dishonest. He will tell the truth. I value his charecter.

I am so thankful to be married to a man that is so full of honor.

LOVE STORY part 4

The D Word

2010-05-01T08:36:00.004-04:00

When Todd and I got married we said directly in our vows, "I will never divorce you." We had a lot of reasons for doing that. But mostly it was about security and protection. We wanted the other person to know that no matter what failures, problems, issues arise, we will be there and we will be together.

Fast forward 6 years into marriage. We have had a lot of moments that were rough. We have had moments when one or both of us felt like it would be more simple to walk away than to stay and resolve it. But through it all he has never once even hinted that he was going to divorce me.

Some people may think that is not such a big deal, but for some reason, in our society today, it is a huge deal. I cannot tell you how many of our friends quickly resort to, "I think I want a divorce." In the heat of the moment those words can be used to wound, fight back, get revenge. They can hurt and tear apart if even if someone does not mean them. When someone says those words, the issues are no longer the discussion. All of a sudden it becomes a fight for survival. One person is left trying to hold on for dear life to their marriage and another suddenly has all the power.

I think that is what divorce has become. It has become power. If a fight or argument is going wrong one party simply has to utter those words and they are left holding all the chips.

It is sad. It is no way for a healthy, thriving marriage to exist. That is why I am so thankful that Todd has always given me the security and respect to never threaten those words. Those words have never been uttered within our marriage. Have they been thought? Probably. But never once have either of us spoken them to each other. In the heat of a moment you may feel like running. You may feel like things are too messed up, too hard to fix. But when divorce enters in the picture (even in word only) the situation gets 10 times more messed up.

I am so thankful that I am married to a man who protects me and offers me enough security so that I never have to worry, "Will he leave?" He offers me and our children the security and protection we need to thrive.

I am not passing judgement on anyone. I am not saying that everyone who divorced did so in the heat of a fight. I personally know many people who have fought long and hard for their marriage only to have it still end. My purpose is not to pass judgement or look down on anyone. I am simply pointing out that for some reason today many couples will use divorce as a weapon in a fight. It is not and should not be used lightly.

I am so thankful for a husband who protects me.

For Love Story Part 3.

Daddy

2010-04-30T08:16:00.004-04:00

Todd is an amazing daddy. From the moment our first child was born he was one of those jump in change diapers, feed and cuddle dads. When he comes home from work he immediately jumps in and anticipates what the girls may need. He does a huge portion of caring for them when he comes home. And I never feel anxious about leaving them home alone with him. Not only is he helpful to me, but the girls just adore him.

They both light up when he walks in the room. It is amazing to watch them form bonds and closeness with their daddy. They have special little "things" that belong only to them. Daddy is the one they can jump on and the one who will throw them in the air and help them walk on the ceiling. Daddy means fun and play and running around. But he is also really good at getting them to obey him. Sometimes they will test me to the limit, but he simply has to give a firm tone and they will turn and listen.

He truly is an amazing man and I am glad he is mine! For part two of Love Story.

Wise One

2010-04-29T22:23:00.006-04:00

So in honor of our 6th anniversary on May 7th, I want to share with you a little about my love of my life. For more of our love story read here...My plan is to post one thing every day that I love about him/ being married to him until that day arrives. Hopefully that works out.

One of the reasons that I fell in love with Todd was that he was always searching for God. He really wanted to follow God and obey His word. He fought hard to follow God's way. And early on I noticed that he was really wise. When he offered advice to me during our friendship (pre-dating) it always seemed to be really wise advice. He continues to be a man of wisdom.

When he gives me direction, even when I do not think it is the best thing, I really listen. I don't follow him blindly or disobey the Lord, but he really is one of the wisest men I have ever known. He searches the scriptures and digs for the truth on issues. He is never content with just taking someones word for it. He has to see what God really says about something. He often gets really angry when verses of the Bible are used out of context. In his heart he wants people to see the truth and not blindly believe something because someone told them it was that way.

I love that I am married to a man who is committed to allowing God's word be the lamp to his feet.

Dust Bunny

2010-04-22T15:56:00.002-04:00

The other day, I was cleaning up breakfast dishes and preparing for the day when Claire came up to me with something in her hand that looked like the picture above. I laughed really hard and then realized she had been trying to retrieve some ball from underneath a shelf in the kitchen. This shelf is one that I forget to clean under until I see the dirt that has accumulated. I forget mostly because I don't see it. And out of sight is out of mind. I struggle most days to remember to take a shower myself, so cleaning has been a hard task since the arrival of baby one and two.

I have to say that I am getting better. I have read some things on organizing and cleaning and I think our house stays pretty tidy for the most part. That does not mean there are no crumbs or dust bunnies. And right now I just remembered that there is a load of laundry in the washer that has been there for over 24 hours. But I have a much better handle on things than I once did. I will never have an immaculate house. But disorganization and clutter drives me nuts. So here are some things I have learned that has helped me out.

1. Keep cleaning items in every room.
Practically here is what that means for me. I have a broom and mop on every floor of the house. So often I would think of sweeping upstairs, but not have the time to run downstairs and gather all the items required. Now with a broom upstairs it takes 1/2 the time to complete the task. Also I bought an off brand package of cleaning wipes that I keep in each bathroom. When a sink or toilet are dirty I simply pull one out and wipe. It takes less than five minutes and it brightens the room tremendously.

2. Organize
Everything needs a home. If an item does not have a home it will end up on counters, on floors and clutter up your space. And if the items home is not easily accessible, you will probably not put it away that often. That defeats the purpose. Create usable and workable solutions to your clutter problems. For me that was bags. I have various bags that I keep packed. One for going to my parents house for work, one bag with change of clothes for day to day stuff for kids, one with coloring books and stickers for eating out or doctor visits, etc. These bags ended up hanging on the backs of my kitchen chairs. Or worse on the floor in the kitchen. It drove me nuts. Now I have some hooks on the wall just at the top of the basement stairs. The bags now have a home and they are easily accessible when I need them.

3. Clean up a little at a time.
Some people probably already do this, but I was cleaning challenged. Before kids I kind of let things go throughout the week. Todd and I both worked all day, so I would straighten up here and there, but often dishes and messes were left until the weekend. I would spend 5-6 hours on Saturday cleaning. After kids I have no 5-6 straight hours in any given week. So now this means, the dishwasher is emptied when the dishes are clean. That way as soon as a dish is dirty it can go in the dishwasher. When the dishwasher is full I start it. Simple and easy. Also kitchen counters are wiped at every meal. Floor is swept after every meal or at least after every other. I may not have 5-6 hours, but 5-6 minutes means a lot in terms of maintenance.

4. Give yourself a break.
In all honesty I was bit embaressed when Claire came to me with a months full of dust on her hand. But I know that she and Elizabeth will only be little once. I could spend countless hours wiping, dusting, sweeping, disinfecting (I already do, but even more so). But the times spent with them are the times that last. They will not remember the times that the bathroom was a little dirty or the day that I left the toys scattered on the floor. They will probably not even remember specific times that I read a book or played with a toy or took them outside. But they will remember what our family time felt like. They will have a sense of what type of life I created for them. If we never make a mess or if I never leave a mess alone to play with them that will create a lasting impression.

Now some of you are probably thinking that these are very easy and not rockets science. You are right and you are probably the people who already do these things. But for the rest of us, I hope that this post gives you some freedom and some practical tips.

I do not have it all figured out. Right now my house is a bit crazy. Today I did not do dishes or laundry or sweep or wipe anything except butts and noses. Today I took my daughter on a mommy daughter date, had lunch with my husband and kids, watched as my kids jumped on their daddy for 45 minutes and laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I took a 2.5 hour nap with my husband. I woke up and ate pizza with my inlaws. Today was an eventful day. And I wish all days were as wonderful.

Alexa

2010-04-16T14:11:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we went to the park and the saddest thing happened. My little girl experienced her first time being called a name by a peer. I did not see it happen, but was told later that a little girl, not more than 4 years old, walked by Elizabeth and said, "Loser."

Initially, the mom in me wants to take that little girl by the arm and take her straight to time out. (Or more honestly smack her mouth.) How dare she call my sweet, wonderful, beautiful, gifted and loving child a loser? Who are her parents? Why are they not teaching her that calling names is an awful thing? (If I am honest I know that her parents very well could be good, loving people who just let her watch or see something she should not have and she learned it from that.)

But then the verse came to my mind where we are told how to deal with those who mistreat us and wound us. (Matthew 5:43-48) So last night before we went to bed Elizabeth and I prayed for the little girl who called her the name at the park. Elizabeth named her Alexa and we prayed for Alexa last night. We prayed that she would know God's love and experience him and that she could learn to be loving to other people.

I wish I always responded that way to my enemies. I wish I could say I felt no anger or malice towards Alexa. But I did. I really am thankful I did not hear her say that to my child. I very well could have smacked her and her mother in that moment. But I am thankful that I had the opportunity to teach Elizabeth how to respond and I hope that as a result she is drawn more close to the Lord.

I know the reality is that Elizabeth will have people who call her names. She will have enemies in her life. She will have people who are mean and mistreat her. I hope that she will follow Jesus even through those moments. One thing that I have learned over the past 13 years of following Christ is, when I do things the way the Bible says to do them, life just works a little more smoothly. It is not perfect or always great, but it does tend to work better when I am following the one who created life. I pray that my daughter and Alexa can follow the giver of life.

Is Jesus enough?

2010-03-30T14:30:00.004-04:00

I was driving the other day and flipped on the Christian music station. A woman was doing an interview with a local band and as I listened to the interview something that the singer said really irked me. The dj told him that his music did not sound Christian. She said it was much more edgy and dance like than other Christian artists. His reply was what did me in. He said that their group really wants to draw in a younger crowd. They are attracted to the music and then they get to share the gospel with them. This made me upset.

Before I tell you why, I want to say that this is something Todd and I have been thinking and talking about for a while. This is not something I am targeting at any one church in particular. I think this is a pretty prevalent thing in Christian culture in general. And when Todd and I have approached this subject with people they tend to get angry and think that we are attacking them or judging them. That is not my intent. I just want us to think about the way we approach sharing the gospel and see if it lines up with scripture.

Here is what I think: We as Christians think that we need something to catch an unbelievers attention. We need to draw them in and then we can share the gospel with them. We need good music, a flashy video, a humorous drama, a charismatic preacher. We need something to catch their eye. We need to be fun, funny, hip and cool. We will not say this, but in essence I think sometimes, some of us think Jesus, alone, is not enough. We cannot simply point to Jesus. Is Jesus enough? Strip away every flashy show we can put on. Take away any of our efforts and ask, do we believe that Jesus has what this unbelieving world needs? Or do we think he needs our help?

Now before you get angry and defensive let me say I think that artist on the radio had good intentions. And I think if you asked him the above questions he would probably say Jesus is enough. I would say that, and you would probably agree with me. But think about the way we talk. I have found myself saying things like draw them in and then share the gospel.

Now I have nothing against a church or a person being relevant to the culture. Obviously scripture gives us clear places where people became like the people they were ministering to in order to share Jesus with them. Obviously if you are a missionary to China you need to speak Chinese. But how often do we package or box up the gospel in order to present it in just the perfect way? Do we miss the holy spirit prodding us to simply point to Jesus because we don't have a perfect package with us at the moment?

What would our Churches look like if on Sunday morning we walked in and the pastor simply read directly from God's word?

Romans 3:10
"As it is written: 'There is no one righteous, not even one.'"

Romans 3:21-24
"But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the law and prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

What if, instead of trying to prove to our friends that Christians are hip and cool, we simply share with them that there is a reason for hope? There was a man who lived and died and rose again. He did all of this because all of us have sin. Sin eats away at life and separates us from God. Sin destroys and wounds and hurts, but Jesus came to wash away our sins and makes us as white as snow. He came to heal and restore and redeem our very lives. He is what an unbelieving world needs. They do not need better music, better videos, better sermons. They need a savior. And they need someone to show him that savior.

The church (meaning the whole body of Christ) is beautiful. I love the church. I think that the church throughout history and now has done so many wonderful things. The church helps the poor, helps the sick, helps the wounded and broken hearted. The church helps orphans and widows and the lonely. But they do all of this because of the love Christ has for us. The moment one of us does these things or anything else because of any other motivation we have moved away from the calling. (1st Corinthians 13:3)The moment we think that we have anything else this world needs other than Jesus we have missed the calling. There will always be better music, better speakers, better videos, and even nicer people (yes I said that). The world can offer so much more than we can in terms of those things. But what the world does not have is an answer to the longings of the heart. A hope for our sin and brokenness. The church and the body of Christ alone has that answer. The answer is Jesus Christ. He is what we need and he is more than enough.

Small blessings

2010-03-24T17:21:00.004-04:00

I was definitely at the end of my rope a few weeks ago. I stated in a previous post all that was ensuing and there was more going on that I did not share, but one day I snapped. Not in a bad way. But I did. I called Todd and said we need to find a babysitter for Saturday night. I need some time without these kids and some time alone with you. We try to have date nights, but anyone with kids knows that sometimes it is so much work to go out without the kids that we just do not do it.

First you have to find a sitter.
Don't get me wrong. We have a number of wonderful, reliable people on hand who are more than willing to jump at the opportunity to watch our kids. Just last weekend we had to find a sitter for something. I asked one of my dearest friends and had three other friends ask me, after the fact, if they could babysit. One even wanted me to cancel the people I had asked because she said she wanted to do it so badly. So we have people willing to do it. People even desiring to do it. But often I feel bad for asking. I feel like we are taking away someones time and inconveniencing them. I am not sure why. I do not feel that way when I am asked to watch a friends child. But I just think like that.

Also I worry about the kids. They generally do really well with most of the people we have watch them, but there has been a time or two that went really poorly and resulted in us having to return home early because of something that was going on. In Claire's first year of life we rarely ever left her with anyone. She had occasional moments where she would stop breathing and choke. So she hardly ever left my side, even at night.

In would say there is a second reason but really the sitter thing is it.

In saying all of this I am trying to get to the point that I snapped and asked Todd for a night out. We found a sitter and quickly arranged for a nice time without kids. A few days later we found out that we were going to have the opportunity for four weekends in a row of date nights. We have been through two and this weekend we get a whole night alone with the kids. Elizabeth has been begging to sleep over at my moms and this weekend it worked out. Of course to my delight Elizabeth insisted that her sister come too. :) Yeah for a whole night alone with my hubby.

My point in all of this is that these date nights have really given me a boost. I have something to look forward to and the nights themselves have been so refreshing to me and our marriage.

But why as moms do we not take care of ourselves more? Why is it that I needed to snap to ask for some alone time? Why can't I just do that all the time? I don't know. But I do know this... anyone willing to babysit just need ask. I have a new attitude about date night.

St. Patricks Day

2010-03-17T21:49:00.003-04:00

I am not Irish and I do not drink beer so St. Patty's day holds very little meaning for me. It was, however, the day after St. Patrick's day 4 years ago that I found out I was expecting Elizabeth. She changed my life forever and made me a mommy. Today I did not do anything particularly Irish and I did not even wear green. But I did thank God that he gave me this precious little girl. Even though I was not really planning on becoming a mommy that day he thankfully did not listen to my plans.

PG 13

2010-03-14T21:45:00.009-04:00

I want to preface this post by saying the things I am going to talk about are not going to be crude, but they are not intended for young eyes.

As I stated in some of my previous posts I want to state again that I am not an expert on marriage. I am just a woman who is learning as I go and wants to share some of those nuggets with you. Hopefully some of what I have learned will help you. So here goes:

I think that sex has been absolutely distorted in our culture. It is used and abused, but not taught in healthy ways. Sex is not a dirty thing. It was a gift, from God, given to man and woman to be expressed within marriage. Within the context of a healthy, thriving, loving, marriage relationship, sex is a blessing. With that being said I think that we have totally lost sight of the purpose and blessing of sex within our culture.

To the unmarried:

For one thing, if you are unmarried you ought not to be having sex. This is hot button topic. I know that many who will read this may be offended by it. And I know that the majority of Americans are not virgins on their wedding night and that means that most of those who read this have probably had sex outside of marriage. God clearly intended for sex to be within the context of a commited marriage. He states it very clearly in the Bible. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there most not even be a hint of sexual immorality..." (NIV) Over and over again we are given instructions on the proper context for sexual union. I think anyone who has had sex will agree that sex is not just a physical act. It can be distorted so much and someone can become so hardened by it that they treat it that way, but it is not. When you have sex with someone you are bearing your whole self to them. You are opening up your heart, your mind, and your body and allowing another person to become a part of you. When sex takes place between an unmarried man and woman that union and bond still exists, but the commitment and level of trust does not. Our society is so full of broken relationships, broken marriages and broken hearts and so much of it can be traced back to this topic. A man and woman unite and afterwards they part. More often than not, because of our unique differences, the man is able to move on and the woman is left feeling broken and alone and like she is missing something. She is. She gave herself to that man. And when he left she feels so bonded and connected to him still. This brokenness was not what God intended. He intended for sex to be shared between two people who trust one another and are committed for life. There is something so unique about this sin. It destroys someone in both spirit and body. 1st Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." (NIV)

With all of that being said, I need to say that there is hope. God offers grace to those who seek him. He restores the broken and hurting. I am not saying that sexual sin is worse than any other sin. My sin of anger or lying or resentment is just as powerful as any sexual sin, but sexual sin often has such greater and more far reaching consequences. 2nd Corinthians 4:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (NIV) If you have sinned in this way and want to seek forgiveness as the Lord. If you are still struggling and need help talk to a trusted Christian friend or your pastor.

To the married:

YOU OUGHT TO BE HAVING SEX. I know that for most men this particular commandment of God is pretty easy. They enjoy sex, crave sex, think about it and need it. Women also need sex and enjoy it, but it is on a whole different level. For a woman, particularly one with young children sex can feel like another thing on her "to do list." She knows she should be having sex. She knows her husband needs it. She knows he really wants to. But just to be honest more often than not by the end of the day she has prepared, served and cleaned up three meals, wiped butts and noses, did 5 or more loads of laundry, two or more loads of dishes, chauffered, worked, and tried to train young minds for life and rightousness. Frankly at the end of the day it takes all of her strength just to change into her nightgown and climb into bed. And then it happens. He catches a glimpse of her changing from her spit up stained sweats into some old tshirt and he gets instantly attracted. (On a side note, ladies if we stop and think about, it aren't you glad that he still finds you attractive even though if we are brutally honest we have probably not shaved our legs, or worn makeup and maybe have not even showered.) Then he comes over and starts to caress and love and she is thinking all I want to do is climb into bed and fall asleep. "Does he not know that baby will probably be up in three hours?" Four things can happen at this moment.

Scenario one:
Wife: "Oh no. I am soooo tired and I cannot even think about that right now. Not tonight, I have a headache."
Husband: THINKING: "This is third night in a row she has rejected me. I must be doing something she doesn't like. Maybe she is not that attracted to me anymore. I have put on a little weight."
In this scene the wife is not thinking anything about rejecting her husband. More than likely she is just not in the mood. (And it requires a lot more effort and fore thought to put a woman in the mood than it does a man. I have heard it said like this, "A woman is like an oven, she takes a while to warm up. A man is like a microwave. Always hot and always ready instantly.") Even though she is not thinking about rejecting him, he takes it that way. A man spells love SEX. He feels most connected to his wife and most loved by her when they have sex. A woman spells love TALK. She connects best to her man through conversation. To say I am not in the mood for sex feels, to your man, like it feels when he is not in the mood to talk to you. If he told you over and over again he did not want to talk to you, you would start to feel rejected. He feels the same.

Scenario Two:
Wife: "Okay, but we better make it quick."
This is the scene that any married woman may be familiar with. You know he wants sex, so you give him what he wants. But what we fail to realize in this scene is that he is not just wanting sex. He does not want a lifeless interaction. What he wants is to connect with you. He wants to connect with his wife and feel loved and close to her. (This is not to say that sex always has to be long and drawn out. Someone very wise once told us, "Sex is like a meal, sometimes you get to sit down to have steak and potato, but sometimes all you get is the drive through at Mcdonalds." Mcdonalds satisfies for the moment, but you cannot survive on that alone.) If we always give our husbands burgers and fries they will crave steak and potato. And our marriages will not survive.

Scenario Three:
Wife: THINKING "I am so tired, but I do love him and just a few minutes of closeness would be nice."
In this scene the wife is pleasantly suprised that when she allows herself to step away from all the cares of the day she can enjoy her husband and allow him to enjoy her. Connection and closeness occur and our marriages are made more secure. And our husbands feel more confident and loving towards us as a result. If getting there is an issue maybe you need to make some preparations. Maybe you can tell him you would like to take a bath alone first to help you relax and be more prepared to be alone with him. Or whatever it may be that will help you relax and get in the mood. Maybe it is candles, maybe if he does the dishes and helps put the kids to bed you will feel more inclined. If that be the case tell him in advance. Most men will jump to do dishes as quickly as possible if they think that is what you need to be in the mood that night.

Scenario Four:
Now because I know that not every moment is cookie cutter and there are legitimate times when sex is not an option, I have included a fourth scene.
Wife: "Hunny, I adore you and a little closeness would be so nice, but I have to be up in three hours and I do not think I could enjoy it tonight. Lets make a date for tomorrow night."This is not ideal and if you never follow through it will lose its appeal altogether, but at least in this scene it awknowledges your husbands feelings and gives him something to look forward to.

Now what are you waiting for? Make some preparations to be alone with your man. I am sure he will thank you.

Honesty

2010-03-11T15:30:00.003-05:00

So just a bit of real, honesty. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. Many things have coincided to bring me to this point, but here I am.

1. For about 6 months Elizabeth has been having these random stomach pains. We struggled to find a solution and even thought at times she was making it up. I had kind of become numb to them and pretty much considered them something she said when she was sad, or wanted to get out of something, like bedtime. But in the last month they have become extreme. It started with her waking up in the night screaming about the pain. This went on and also she started crying at random times throughout the day. Sometimes they are so severe she is doubled over in pain screaming at the top of her lungs. We have taken her to the pediatrician and they did a full food allergy panel and blood tests. We go to the doc on Friday to get results. I am anxious. I want to find something. Not because I want something to be wrong or because I want her to have an allergy, but because I need to know what can make it better. Some days she is so whiney and crabby and has not been her loving, happy self for a while. I have just about lost patience with her. I know that she is in pain at times, but I stuggle because I think sometimes she uses the pain as an out. If her belly hurts she gets attention and it delays bedtime. We have eliminated dairy products. I honestly do not think that the dairy helped much, but I also decided to eliminate juice. It seemed like it helped to cut out juice, but then she was constipated. (Another regular problem) And then I had to give her prune juice. That helped the constipation, but the next two days she had severe belly aches.

2. I am pretty sure if I hear another "Mom, I was playing with that." I will scream. I know that I am not the only parent to have ever dealt with sibling rivalry, but at this point I am so done with it. Part of the problem is that Claire is only 18 months. She is still trying to grasp the concept of sharing and has a hard time when Elizabeth gets anything she does not have. Claire also has gotten her own big temper at this point. When she gets mad she will hit and sometimes I hear Elizabeth screaming from the other room because Claire has found some object to beat her with. Now I am sure Elizabeth probably deserved it because she has given her fair share of abuse to her sister, but I am struggling to find something that works to teach her.

3. I am at a stand still at weight loss. I am down 60 lbs. I was hoping to lose another 10, but it just does not seem to be working. I don't want to get frustrated and fed up, but at times I am. I know that I will never have perfect body, but we all have concepts of what we want to look like and I am just not there yet. I am not giving up. But I am frustrated. Maybe my frustration will push me to work harder, but many days it makes me do worse. Just keep swimming, right?

4. I am a bit lonely. I have an incredible family. I have a great church. I have great friends, but the past few months things have not clicked well. Let me explain our church attendance has been spotty the past few months because it seems like every other week one child or another is sick. My very best friend and I have been on different schedules because of work and kids starting school. My two best girlfriends, who are single with no kids, have been working a lot and we just cannot seem to make our "breaks" coincide. I am not alone. But I feel a bit lonely. Before kids we were surrounded in community. We did ministry and had small groups. With kids it just seems like it is so much harder. We tried a small group at our new church and liked it, but one of us spent the whole time in the other room with the kids because Claire was not used to the sitter and could not stop crying. We are going to keep trying if we can ever be healthy long enough. I know we are all created for community. I know I am craving something good. And part of the problem is I am an extrovert to the max. I crave people. I crave conversation and being around people I can share things with. It engergizes me. It gives me joy. Being home with kids all days can be draining. But when I am doing it with someone it is easier. Being a mom is a lonely job sometimes. I know that some people really do not mind being alone and actually crave it. But I sometimes just think up reasons to go to Target because I crave adult interaction. Am I crazy? Or has anyone else thought that?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I have an incredible life. I am truly blessed. I just feel like I am about to lose it. Hopefully "it" includes 10 lbs.

Conversation

2010-02-22T19:36:00.003-05:00

The following is a slightly exaggerated version of real conversation that takes place in our home almost every morning.

Elizabeth: I want to wear a pretty dress.

Me: We will see. I have not picked out clothes yet. Let's have breakfast first.

Elizabeth: I want oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

Me: Ok.

Elizabeth: I need some milk.

Me: Working on it.

Elizabeth: I need my vitamin.

Me: Still working on milk.

Elizabeth: Claire needs a vitamin too.

Me: Hunny. I am doing my best.

Elizabeth: Can we say our verse?

Me: After breakfast.

Elizabeth: Mom, Claire is standing up.

ELizabeth: I have to go potty. I need you to help me.

Me: Ok.

Me: Now finish breakfast.

Elizabeth: Mom, why don't you sit next to me and eat breakfast?

Elizabeth: Mom, Claire is done.

Me: Are you kidding?

Date Night

2010-02-13T15:55:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to brag on my hubby a bit. On Friday night he took me on a date that he planned completely. I did not know anything except that we were going out. I did not have to find the sitter or plan the meal or plan anything. I just got dressed and showed up. That in and of itself was a nice treat. Sometimes planning a date, with kids, is so much work that I almost do not want to do it. But he surprised me and this is how the night went:

He arrived home from work in the afternoon and the kids were still napping. I was getting ready in our bedroom and he must have been home longer than I thought. (More on that in a moment.) He came upstairs and showered and then took the kids downstairs, so I could finish getting ready. When I came downstairs I found a present in the kitchen. He had arranged flowers and cards around a beautiful new purse for me. (I have not gotten a new purse in a year, so this was a wonderful gift.) As I opened the cards, I found one was from the girls. He had them color a card for me that said I was the best mommy. And then his card was absolutely perfect and basically said that he noticed me. As moms we do a million and one things and it is easy to feel under appreciated and unnoticed, but he reminded me that he saw me and appreciated my efforts. After I was flooded with tears, we got the kids all set for the sitter and left for our night. Our first stop was Olive Garden. I was super excited because I was definitely craving some bread and salad. And I took the opportunity to have a night off from counting calories. (I need those every once in a while.) We enjoyed a delicious meal and talked for a long time. After dinner we went to Starbucks and talked and then we got ice cream to take home. It was a simple date, but it was so nice to be out together and share some alone time.

It is so nice to be in love with someone and be able to share those moments. I am so thankful that God blessed me with him! I am truly a lucky woman.

I know Valentines day can be hard for some people. Some people are divorced or single or in an unhappy marriage.

If you are single or single again I encourage you to find love with the one who loves you more than all others. Jesus is the friend and lover to the lonely. Let him be yours. He desires to show you what true love is. All you need to do is ask him. And don't spend the day alone. Find a friend. Find someone who is maybe more lonely than you and cheer them up. Staying home watching sappy love movies and feeling sorry for yourself will probably not make you feel better. So don't do it.

If you are in a lonely marriage, I would encourage you to take your hurt to God. Let him console you and comfort you. And then ask him how you can bless your spouse. Ask God to teach you how to love your spouse unconditionally. Your spouse is probably hurting as much as you and someone needs to end the cycle of hurt. Let it be you. Let it start today. There is hope for a better life. God wants your marriage to be fulfilling.

Happy Valentines Day!

Smooth away part two

2010-02-13T15:53:00.002-05:00

So after my face stopped burning(It took a whole day), I still had red spots in the areas of use. And two days later my face is now peeling in those areas. Needless to say, I will not be using it again.

Beauty is pain, right?

2010-02-10T15:06:00.002-05:00

This post is not for the faint of heart. If you are male or otherwise not interested in yucky beauty stuff please feel free to not read. :)

So I have spent the last 20 minutes doing "beauty" treatments. I don't feel very beautiful, and I look all red and blotchy, but oh well.

The first thing I did was to use a new product called "smooth away." I found it a Target and it was supposed to be a pain free way to remove hair. I have noticed in the last year that hair is growing on my face in places it never was before. Maybe it is because I am getting closer and closer to 30, but it has driven me crazy. So today I was motivated and while kids were in bed I decided to try it. I have never waxed or anything like that before, so pain free was what I was drawn to. I took the small plastic applicator out of the package and applied what looked like dull sand paper with adhesive. Then I followed the instructions and removed the hair by moving in slow circular motions over the affected area. I was suprised with how quickly the hair came off. It was pretty easy. It was a little more difficult to use around the corners of my mouth, but overall it was pretty good. It was not really painful while I was using it, but immediately after my face started to burn. I followed the instructions for after treatment and applied cold water and then a cotton ball soaked in milk. It helped a bit with the stinging, but the redness is still there.

Next, I attacked some small blemish on my face. First I googled it. I have had this small white pimple like blemish on my cheek for a month. I have been expecting it to go away, but it has not, so I went to work to find out what it was. Not sure what it was called still, but google instructed me to either see a dermatoligist or try to remove it myself. No way I am seeing a dermatologist if I can remove it myself. So on to plan B. I followed the instructions and found a needle. I burned the tip to disinfect and then poked my face on the site of the blemish. I was told I need to squeeze whatever was in there out. I poked and squeezed and was pretty sure nothing was coming out. I was about ready to give up, but tried one more time. This time I squeezed and a small white ball came out. Sweet was my only thought. I am glad that is finally gone. Now hopefully this scab mark from the needle will heal.

Now I look red and blochty and my face burns. But this is what women do, right?

I am not usually a vain person. Not that being beautiful is vanity, but I just mean that I do not spend very much time looking in the mirror. I am lucky to shower on most days and do not usually take such lengths to look pretty.

But Friday night my husband planned a special night for us. He found a sitter, planned the night and bought me a new dress. I have no idea what we are doing, but I am excited. So I am going all out. It is fun to get decked out once in a while, isn't it? Hopefully my face looks less red by then.

My Sweetheart

2010-02-09T23:39:00.004-05:00

So yesterday morning as Todd was walking out to go to work I asked if he would bring Claire into our room. She was awake and I did not hear Elizabeth yet, so I was hoping for a couple more minutes in bed. She quickly grew tired of laying with me, so I asked her if she wanted to go wake up her sister. This is an exciting thing for her. On the rare occasions that she is awake before her sister she loves going in to get her up. She can even open the door on her own. (This does not work out so well on mornings when I am trying to keep her in bed longer, but anyway.) She excitedly went in and I heard their conversation.

Elizabeth: Hi, good morning sweetheart. Let's go wake up mommy. (Not sure how she thought Claire got out of her crib with me still in bed.)

As they came in the room I hid under the covers and pretended to be asleep. When they came in Elizabeth said, "Hi mom, my little sweetheart did come and wake me up."

I thought that was the cutest thing ever. I was expecting her to say, "my little sister." But what she said was way more cute and memorable.

Homeschooling

2010-02-06T14:24:00.002-05:00

So consider this my venting place. I am not really talking to anyone in particular, but just want to vent. I read an online article recently that talked about a family from Germany who were granted asylum in the United States because they were homeschooling their children in Germany where it is illegal. The article turned into a debate from the readers about homeschooling. This lead to many people defending and bashing it. Here are some of the cons and my reactions:

1. "I had a kid in my freshman math class who was homeschooled and he could not even mulitiply."

Well, in all honestly I had a lot of kids in my freshman english class who did not know what a noun was. Some kids fall through the cracks of any system. Yes, there are some kids whose parents do not put as much effort into their education when they homeschool. Yes, those families exist, but by and large most homeschooled children score higher in academic tests than traditional schooled children. To say homeschooling does not work because you met one kid who was not very bright would be illogical.

2. "Homeschooling makes kids unsocialized."

Maybe it does. Maybe a homeschool child will not interact in the same way with their peers at 13 as a traditional schooled child. But I think it depends more on the family. Children will learn from who they are taught by. If my child spends the majority of time interacting with me and his or her siblings they will learn social cues from me. I kind of like that better. I think homeschoolers should have ample time to interact with people of all ages. I think it becomes the parents responsibilty to make sure the child is given opportunites to make friends and spend time with their peers, but I don't think that spending 8 hours a day with peers is crucial. Children can learn to be polite, kind and have manners from mom and dad. They can have fun, laugh, play games and share jokes with siblings.

We are not at school age yet. But I think we will be homeschooling. We have weighed the options and at this point that looks like the best choice for our family.

Do I think that every family should homeschool? No. I don't think homeschooling is feasible for everyone. Not every family will like it and I cannot decide what is best for you. Maybe those people who are anti-homeschooling could take a closer look before they decide what is best for my family.

Husband

2010-02-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

I miss my hubby. We had a week of all out plague in our home. 4 bouts of stomach flu. One case of strep throat and one case of bronchitis. We have sorely missed alone time. After the week of, dare I say, hell, all I wanted to do was sleep when the kids went to bed. But tonight when the kiddos are in bed we have a date. And I am looking forward to spending some one on one time with my handsome man.

Mirror

2010-02-02T15:59:00.003-05:00

I have to admit that sometimes I cringe when I see my children mimic me. There are those moments when they do things that my heart just breaks. One such moment happened the other day. Elizabeth was struggling so hard to accomplish something (I cannot remember what). She got frustrated and screamed and threw it down. I would like to say I have never done that. But sadly when she did it I saw myself. It is easy to forget, when the computer is not working or when I can't open something, that little eyes are watching. Sometimes I scream aghhhh in frustration and throw it. Those moments are the worst.

She does mimic good things. When I see her gently hold her baby doll and say, "Its ok momma is here, baby." or apologize to her sister without encouragement. Those moments give me hope. They give me hope that despite my many flaws and failures my children can learn good from me. My ultimate hope and the one that gives me comfort is that they will be introduced to the one they can mirror and I will never have to cringe. I hope that I can point them to Jesus and they can see the one who will never let them down.

Marriage

2010-01-14T13:27:00.013-05:00

First of all before I share my thoughts I want to share the heart behind them. I am not an expert on marriage. I have been married almost 6 years. I have what I think is a healthy, happy marriage, but I know that I do not know everything there is to know about it. I consider people married 20,40,50, or even 70 years to be experts. They have time on their side. But I know that time married does not make you good at marriage. If this was the case there would be no divorces after 20 years. We know statistically most Americans are getting divorced now after 25 years. So time does not make a good marriage.

So what does? I have prayed that God would make me a good wife. I have prayed for my husband and I to have a great marriage. I think scripture gives us some very good guidelines for healthy marriage. And God has made certain scriptures come alive to me.

Ephesians 4:26B "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (NIV)
This verse was made real to me at a "low" point. Todd and I were having a really rough patch. Nothing major. But it just seemed like we were not clicking. We fought over the smallest issues and just were generally crabby with one another. One Sunday our pastor taught on this verse. I realized that I had been holding on to "small" issues everyday. Maybe one day Todd would make a comment that hurt my feelings. Instead of telling him he hurt me I just supressed it. I had good intentions. I usually did not want to start a fight or I thought I could just get over it. But it usually did not work. I would let small issues build until I blew up at him.

This was brought to life to me through someone elses circumstances recently. I was talking with a woman who had been married for many years and was now divorced. She recounted for me an incident that happened in her marriage over 10 years ago. Her now ex-husband made a comment that wounded her deeply. She recited his words with such anger that I knew she felt the hurt just as much as she had at the moment they were spoken. And when we were finished talking I wondered to myself what may have happened if she would have told him right then how much his words hurt. Who knows. He may have apoligized. I wondered if their divorce was due, in part, to years of going to bed angry. Years of holding on to a small wound, every day.

Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (NIV)

I hurt my husband sometimes. I think about my needs more than his needs some days. He hurts me too. We are two utterly imperfect people trying to make marriage work. How can two people who are utterly selfish, and sinful at their core make marriage work? I think the only way we survive and still enjoy each other is through love. At the end of the day. At the end of an arugument. We can choose to love each other or leave angry.

I hope that each day I can forgive him. I honestly think men are better at this than us. Women can hold grudges for years. If you wound us once we will remember. And you better believe we will not let you forget. Or anyone else for that matter. I am not saying that some hurts are not legitimate. Some wounds are very deep and hurt so much they make you bleed inside. Some wives have endured so much they wonder if they can endure more. I am not talking about abusive situations. Obviously, those type of wounds need a more thorough and in depth examination. Maybe a trusted pastor or counselor could help you heal from those hurts. Those hurts are real and you have every right to feel them. But what I am suggesting is that if you are married would your marriage be a little more healthy, a little more loving, a little more enjoyable if you offered real genuine forgiveness today and everyday.

I know mine has been so much better since the Sunday I heard that sermon. I have tried to leave each conversation, each moment, each day resolved. I try not to go to bed angry at Todd. And we are happier. I am happier. Our marriage is healthier.

What are you holding onto that is making you bitter towards your husband? Let it be resolved today.

Top 10 events of 2009

2009-12-31T15:48:00.003-05:00

10. After nine months of night waking, Claire finally started sleeping through the night in May.

9. I heard my baby girl say "mama" for the first time.

8. I watched as Claire took her first steps.

7. Elizabeth achieved potty training success.

6. I joined MOPS.

5. Todd and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.

4. Todd and I spent our first weekend, without kids, together in Chicago.

3. I watched as Elizabeth became a big girl. She began saying things like, "Do you know how much I love you?"

2. I lost 56 lbs.

1. I bought my first pair of size 6 jeans and they fit. :)

My day

2009-12-30T21:27:00.003-05:00

Woke up at 6 am to Elizabeth coughing and crying. (I think she has a cold.) Got her back to sleep with some reading, cuddling and cough syrup. Fell back asleep myself because I was really exhausted.

Woke back up at 9 am to Elizabeth crying.

Shower, dress kids, breakfast. Leave to run some errands.

Come home at lunch time. Make lunch while refereeing children, keeping Claire from climbing the stairs and helping Lizzie go potty (when your daughter says, "Mom, I am peeing everywhere" you probably should go help.)

Feed kids, change kids and put down for nap.

Decide to take a nap myself even though the house looked like a tornado came through.

Woke up an hour and half later to Todd coming home. The house was still a mess. (I was really hoping when I woke up it would have magically be cleaner.)

Got dressed and freshened up. Changed kids and left to go to a dinner for a business group Todd is in.

Arrived at business group. Realized that while this was supposed to be a family event, we were, in fact, the only ones who brought kids. Ordered food, took Elizabeth potty, had someone spill pop on Claire and took her to bathroom to clean up, got back to table and ate part of my sandwhich, took Elizabeth potty again, came back and ate more of my sandwhich, took Elizabeth potty yet again, came back and watched Claire while Todd took Elizabeth potty again. (She was drinking lemonade and I think she inhaled it.) Decided it was time to leave because even though we had only been there 45 minutes, it felt like an eternity.

Went to store to exhange something and then ended up at the mall for the sole purpose of getting ice cream. Enjoyed ice cream.

Home, snack, find clothes for my mom and dads house for tomorrow for kids (two pairs of pajamas, one pair of play clothes each, one pair of nice clothes each, two pairs of panties, 4 sets of socks.)

Put kids to bed.

I know that my day is not any different from any other moms. I am not unique or special, but when you look at things with this perspective it makes you realize that I ought to be paid. LOL.

Conversation with Elizabeth

2009-12-23T16:08:00.003-05:00

This morning Elizabeth was searching for something she had lost. She was saying in a whiney tone "where is it, where is it?" I heard her, but was busy with something else, so I really did not pay attention. A moment later she found it and came to me and said, "God takes care of us, doesn't he mom." My heart melted and I told her about how God tells us he cares for the birds and flowers and will take care of us so much more. My prayer is always that God will reveal himself to my two little girls. I am thankful he is!

A list of thankfulness

2009-12-15T21:38:00.002-05:00

I am definitely stealing this idea from someone else, but I read it and loved it so here goes my version:

1. I am thankful for hearing "No, that's my toy, Don't touch that, I was playing with that, stop touching me" one thousand times a day because it means I have more than one child and they are healthy enough to interact and play with one another even if they are bickering 3/4s of the time.

2. I am thankful that figuring out what we are doing on Christmas was a crazy mess because it means we have so many people to love and spend time with.

3. I am thankful that I have to make a grocery list tonight even though I am exhausted because it means I can afford to buy food for my family.

4. I am thankful that I am so tired today from working and caring for kids because it means I am blessed with a great job where I can work and still be with my children all day.

5. I am thankful that I have so little clothing to choose from because I have lost
56lbs.

6. I am thankful that I have to wake up tomorrow and spend the day with my kids without my husband because it means he has work and can provide for our family.

7. I am thankful that I have so much wrapping left to do because it means we were able to buy presents for the people we love.

8. I am thankful that my house is too small because it means I have a place to live and a growing family.

I have so much to be thankful for and this list just scratches the surface, but I want to remember and be thankful in everything. What are you thankful for?

Gift of Grace

2009-12-10T22:58:00.002-05:00

Meals with a three year old can be a battle at times. My oldest daughter seems like she will go days without eating. She eats so sparingly and sometimes is so picky. We have started to enforce some eating "rules."

The other night at dinner time she decided she did not want to eat what mommy had made. I have never been the person who wants to force their kid to eat something they do not like. Our rule is you have to take one bite. If you still do not like it you don't have to eat it. But you have to try it. Well, she tried it and she did not want to eat anymore. She said she was not hungry. I told her that was fine, but she could not eat again until bedtime snack. Well, bed time snack came and she said she was not hungry. She did not want to eat. I told her fine, but you will not eat again until morning. She chose to not eat snack. Bedtime came and she suddenly was starving. So starving that she was crying, "My belly hurts." As a mom I am suddenly torn. On one hand I want to be firm and enforce the rules that we set in place. I don't want to teach that mom and dad go back on their word. On the other hand I know she is only three years old and who can really listen to their child cry that they are hungry and turn the other cheek? Privately, I asked my husband if he thought it would be ok to give her some fruit. I mean fruit is not a fun food and really would only satisfy her hunger if she was truly hungry and not just seeking food for comfort. He said no. He thought she needed to learn this lesson. Because I am so strong and capable as a mom, I told him he had to put her to bed. I knew I would cave. I sat and listened on our baby moniter as he tucked her into bed. For fifteen minutes they talked and she cried about her belly hurting and how hungry she was. And my husband assured her she would be ok and talked with her about consequences. He came downstairs and she was still crying. I was trembling inside, but coping. I prayed for wisdom and for wisdom for Todd. I was sure he was right about us needing to be firm, but I was sure any moment I would cave and run upstairs hiding food in my shirt.

My wise and loving husband came down stairs and I said, "Is she ok?" He assured me she was fine, but then he told me to bring her a bananna. "Go teach her about grace", He said. I brought her downstairs and allowed her to sit at the table and eat a bannana. I explained to her that daddy had given her grace and given her something even though she did not deserve it. I explained that God gives us grace and that we should show grace to others.

I am pretty sure that was the best bannana she had ever eaten. I know that moment will stick with me for a long time. I am thankful that I have a husband who is wise enough to be firm, but gentle enough to offer grace.

Santa Baby

2009-11-28T14:16:00.004-05:00

Elizabeth just got a new veggie tales movie for her birthday which was last week. The kids have watched it a couple of time. It is pretty cute and tells the real story veggie tales style of Saint Nicholas. It got me thinking a lot about Christmas and Santa Clause and I decided to share some thoughts.

Todd and I decided early on in our marriage that if and when we had kids we would not do the Santa thing. As in our kids do not recieve presents from Santa Clause at Christmas time. They get some gifts from family and a few things from mom and dad, but nothing from Saint Nick. Here are our reasons for deciding this:

1. We want Christmas in our home to be a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. We want to focus on his birth and what his birth meant for all man kind. I understand December 25th is not his real birth date necessarily, but it is a good reminder for us to focus on him and to tell our children about what Jesus did for all mankind. We try to focus on Jesus throughout the year and teach our children in our daily lives about Christ, but Christmas just gives us a little push. We do not want to distract from the message of Christ with a message of Santa, so we choose not too.

2. I reasoned at an early age in my head that if, I tell my children these elaborate stories about God raising people from the dead, parting the red sea, healing the sick and the blind and tell them these stories are true and then tell them elaborate stories about reighndeer flying and a man traveling the world in 24 hours in a sleigh and tell them this is true, what will they think when they find out Santa is not true? Will they question every thing else I tell them? My children may still question God and his existance, but I do not want it to be because they think I am a liar.

I understand that many Christian families still play Santa Clause and I learned a long time ago that I cannot judge another persons heart. I cannot say that my convictions have to be followed by everyone else. I do not look down on other families that celebrate with Santa, but I do want to know if anyone else has thought about the questions I posted and come up with a different answer. I would be curious to know what anyone else thinks about such things.

A typical day of food

2009-11-24T22:44:00.002-05:00

I have had a couple people ask me for meal ideas or what I eat in a normal day. Here is my meal plan from yesterday.

24 weight watcher points

Low fat Whole Grain Toast 1 pt.
1 tablespoon reduced fat peanut butter 2 pt.
Water

Whole grain flat bread 1 pt.
2 oz. turkey breast 1 pt.
Low fat cheese 1 pt.
Mustard 0 pt.
1 cup cooked veggies with cheese 1 pt.
19 pretzels 3 pt.

two homemade cruncy tacos with cheese and reduced fat sour cream 6 pt.
1 cup black beans 1 pt.
1 cup green beans 0 pt.

1 apple with 3 tablespoons caramel yogurt 2 pt.

6 ritz crackers 2 pt.
reduced fat cheese 1 pt.

1 weight watcher ice cream 2 pt.

Fail to plan and plan to fail

2009-11-24T22:34:00.002-05:00

Over my weight loss journey I have learned that if I do not make plans I will fail. Let me explain. At the last minute I had to work late. Now because of this we ordered pizza, so I could keep working and not have to prepare something. Not a huge deal, if I would have planned a little better. I could have made the decision to eat two pieces and have salad. That is a reasonable meal. Not too many calories. And enough to fill me. But I did not plan. Food came and I was starving. I gobbled up two pieces and went back for more. By the end I was stuffed and realized I had eaten way more than I needed too.

I recognize that for me, when I am in a stressful situation I cannot make reasonable decisions. I cannot decide how much I should eat while famished and stressed about work. That decision will more often than not be the wrong one. I have to make that decision ahead of time. And most of my meals are carefully thought out and planned before I eat them. I usually find out that when I make a decision to eat a certain amount that amount is satisfying to me. If I eat my portion slowly and give my body time to digest I recognize I am content with much less than I would be if I just ate until I felt full. When I make plans I succeed. I am pretty good about carrying out the plans I have put in place. I get into trouble when I try and wing it.

55lbs Part Two (Just Keep Swimming)

2009-11-06T22:31:00.003-05:00

My daughters watch the movie, "Finding Nemo." And in the movie there is a fish that sings, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." I have taken that line and used it to motivate me. I have bad days. I have days where I eat too much. I have days where I go overboard and feel like quitting. I remember that line and it helps me. I just pick up from that point and keep going. I have been overweight my entire life and have been on countless diets. They all failed. I eventually got to a point where I messed up so much that I gave up. But now I don't give up. One bad meal does not have to ruin my whole day. one bad day does not have to ruin a week and even going overboard for a week does not mean I should quit. I just pick up and keep going. I keep swimming and it has done me a world of good.

55 lbs

2009-11-06T22:24:00.007-05:00

I have been putting off posting this. Not sure why, but I think it is time. I have lost 55 lbs since October of 2008. I have been doing weight watchers sicne that time. I have learned so many things as a result of attending my meetings weekly and I thought I would share some of those things. But first some before and after pics.

Before

After

Thank you mom

2009-10-30T13:30:00.003-04:00

So last night I came home from work. I was rushing around trying to get dinner and get ready because I was going to weight watchers. I finished making dinner and sat hot dogs and oranges down in front of my kids. In my mind I was feeling like a bad mom. I was not having a good day and was feeling a bit guilty about dinner not being more extravagent and healthy. As I walked away Elizabeth said, "Thank you mommy for making dinner. You made very good hot dogs and oranges." My heart melted and in that one instant a comment from my two year old reminded me that I am doing my best and it really was good enough for that moment.

Hard Talk

2009-10-25T21:47:00.004-04:00

I have an incredible husband. He loves me and our family selflessly and unconditionally. We have a great marriage and we work well together, but we are human and we have fights and moments where we argue and moments where one or both of us are being selfish.

It was the end of the night and we were both tired. We were giving our kids their before bed snack. We started arguing over something and I don't even remember what it was. I raised my voice and we ended the conversation having neither resolved it nor made up. I walked away and sat down in the next room. When I walked away I heard Elizabeth talk to her daddy, "Daddy, why are you talking hard?" Daddy: "Sometimes mommies and daddies do that, but we should always talk gentle. Elizabeth: "When I grow up I can talk hard?" Daddy: "No."

I sat listening to this conversation and my heart was broken. My eyes filled with tears and I repented. I was so concerned with myself that I disrespected my husband and was an awful example for my girls.

A few minutes later Elizabeth and I were alone and I apologized to her and told her I was wrong for speaking to her daddy that way. I also apologized to Todd in front of the kids.

I want to teach my girls to be loving and respectful wives. I wish I modeled that for them 100% of the time. I hope that the good will impress upon their heart much more than the bad. In my sadness I had a hope. Maybe the best impression I can give them is that good wives are willing to admit mistakes and good moms know when to tell their kids they are sorry.

God's answer

2009-10-14T15:07:00.003-04:00

Every night our family has devotional time. We read from a children's Bible together and pray. Most nights this time is very short. With a one and two year old even 4 minutes can feel too long. A few nights ago while we were reading our baby jumped off the couch and started pointing towards the stairs and whining, while the other child was humming something. All of this while we were trying to do something that I consider important. In my time of frustration I prayed and asked God to show me is this worth it. I believe teaching my children about God and introducing them to Him is important, but in that moment I wondered if this Bible time meant anything. Did it teach them or was it simply for show? I am all about questioning and making sure the things we are doing are for a purpose and not just because of habit. So I asked God, please show me if this matters.

Fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday afternoon we were driving in the car with my mom and Heather. My mom handed Lizzie a piece of paper and she was drawing something. My mom asked her what she was drawing. Her answer was, "Manna". My mom said, "Nana?" Lizzie: "No, manna." I chime in and say "Did you say manna?" Lizzie: "Yes, manna and gail. They did have it for breakfast." Immediately I am reminded that on that night when I thought no one was listening, we read about God providing the Isrealites with Manna and Quail in the dessert. My heart was humbled as I realized God answered my question. Yes this is worth it. Do I think they will understand everything now? No. Do I think that by reading to my kids every night this will ensure they are Christians? No. My hope is that God's holy spirit will use the words of the Bible to draw them to himself. That maybe someday my own children will respond to the voice of God and surrender themselves to Christ.

I heard two things when she said that, one was: "yes, it is worth it', but I was also reminded that God listens to me and that he does answer.

Perspective

2009-10-13T13:43:00.004-04:00

Since my last post I have gained some perspective. My feelings from Monday were brought on mostly by the fact that I was trying to clean out my bedroom closet. Todd is painting in our bedroom this weekend and I was trying to clear the space. After dealing with kids and stuff and craziness that morning I was left feeling discontent. When the kids went to sleep on Monday night, Todd and I finished cleaning up our bedroom and after 4 bags of stuff to donate and 1 bag filled with stuff to throw away I am feeling much better.

I am humbled when I realize that so many people have so little and I have so much. I am thankful for a house that is warm, food to eat, and family. God has a way of gently reminding me how much we have when my heart starts to wander. My house is not perfect. I still feel like I would like more space. But today I am choosing to be happy with the space I have.

Genuine

2009-10-12T15:49:00.004-04:00

So to be very honest and real this moment... I am praying for a more thankful and grateful heart. But I admit I just feel very discontented. Maybe venting it will help a bit. My desire is not to sound like we have nothing. Our family is very blessed. We have good jobs and live well. Our children have everything they need and more and we have food in our cupboards. We are blessed.

I am feeling unhappy about our house. We live in a nice house. My husband is very handy and has fixed up every room of it. I just wish we had more space. My kids have separate rooms, but they are tiny. We have a spacious living room and kitchen, but the kids play area has overtaken them and I feel like I cannot breathe sometimes. It is easier in the summer. In the summer we spend hours outdoors. We have an acre of land and it is pretty secluded, so we have lots of space to run. But now it is winter. Well, fall, but Michigan pretty much skips fall and goes straight for cold. We are stuck inside a lot and I feel like the four walls are closing in. Selling our house would be an option if we could sell it for a third of what we owe. The housing market has taken a huge crash in our area and the house behind us sold for somewhere around $30,000.

This house is beautiful and when it was just my husband and I it was perfect. With one child it was livable, but now with two kids I feel like I am suffocating.

Praying for a miracle and praying for a more content heart until then.

Funeral

2009-09-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

Todd's uncle passed away this week. Death is sad. My heart broke while we were at the funeral home. My heart broke for his wife. This beautiful woman who has spent the majority of her life with this man. Making a life, creating children, growing old. She now has to wake up to a world without him. My heart broke as I walked by the casket and saw a teddy bear with the words "Papa Norms" on it. My heart breaks for his grandchildren who now know what it means to have lost someone they adore. My heart breaks for those things because those hit close to home. I have thought about how it may feel if I lost my husband. The mere thought is excruciating. I cannot imagine what the reality is like. I have thought about watching my own children lose someone they love. A few months back, when we thought my own dad was having a heart attack, I wondered how in the world I would tell my babies that they lost their papa. Death is painful. Death is final. As Christians we have hope. We know that if we believe in Jesus and trust in him for our salvation we will live again. We have hope that this is not the end. There is a future after we have died. We can see our loved ones again in eternity. But the here and now is where we live. We still have to wake up each morning and face life without those we miss.

While I was talking with one of Uncle Norms daughters in law, she told me that this summer was amazing. He spent the summer with her and her husband and children. She said they made memories and she believes if he would have known it was his last days, he would have spent them the exact same way. That is a life that is well lived. I only hope I can live each day like that. Because in all actuality none of us knows when our last days will come. We need to love our family. We need to say the things we have left unsaid. We need to seek forgiveness and offer forgiveness. I hope that when my days have ended someone will be able to say that they believe I would not have done anything different. And I hope to hear those words from Jesus, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Real Life Diva

2009-09-16T20:59:00.003-04:00

I have my own diva. She is about 3 feet tall and 2.5 years old. Elizabeth has now become a true fashionista. We struggle daily with what she will wear. I pick out something and she always wants to wear a dress. Even today when it was 60 degrees outside she wanted to wear a dress up spaghetti strap dress and only the dress. We compromised. While we were in the house she wore the dress. When we went outside she wore the dress over jeans and a t-shirt. It remotely satisfied her. I know I cannot let her rule the world, but I am trying to carefully choose my battles. In the end I kind of think its cute. My little girl wants nothing more than to be pretty and girly. These are all things I wished for once upon a time. I just thought I would have a little more control over it! :)

More wedding pics

2009-09-11T15:16:00.002-04:00