A Love Story Part 3 (Learning to trust)

The following is an excerpt from my journal on January 1st 2002.

"Well, last night Todd and I talked... now I am pretty anxious because I want to know what will happen, but I know that God will take care of me no matter what happens. I trust God. Proverbs 3:5-6 says that if I trust God he will make his ways clear. I am having a hard time not thinking about Todd, so I pray for God's help. Jesus let your will be done."

Reading that, my mind is flooded with memories. I look back on those words, "I trust God", and I wonder, did I? Maybe I trusted him with an end in mind. Maybe I trusted him as long as he made sure that season of waiting did not last long. As long as he was on my time table, I trusted him. But he was not. One month past. Two months past. March of 2002 came and a guy from school asked me out. He was kind of cute and I wanted to do anything to get my mind off Todd. Our schedules did not work out, so we ended up never actually going on a date. Here is what I wrote in my journal regarding the guy and Todd.

"I was afraid of what would happen with Todd (meaning, if he knew) and I was just plain nervous. I could hardly think about it and when I did I cried. I was so nervous. I wanted to puke."

My time table was not working. Or rather God was not working on my time table. It was getting harder and harder to trust.

Journal entry May of 2002

"Tonight I felt completely broken by God. I want his will. I want to follow him and I love him. I want so much for my heart to be obedient. I prayed and asked him to lead me in his will right now."

I was beginning to trust him. Not trust him for an outcome, but to trust him no matter the outcome. As a source of encouragement I clung to this verse:

Psalm 33:20-22
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

A funny thing started to happen. Todd and I began to grow closer and closer. Our friendship began to deepen. We found ourselves talking for hours on end.

Journal Entry June 2002
"I cannot really describe what happens when we are together, but I wish I could put it in a bottle and carry it with me. The other day I helped him find his keys and then told him not to forget his shoes. He looked at me and said, 'What would I do without you?' Of course my heart melted into 1,000 pieces."

July of 2002 Todd took a month long mission trip to Costa Rica. It was incredibly hard for me to watch him leave for that long. I knew we were getting closer. I knew I was beginning to care for him so much more deeply and I was longing for us to be together. But God was not assuring me we would be together. His only assurance when I prayed was that he would take care of me no matter what the outcome.

That month was hard. I admit I did worry some and I was anxious at times. This seemed like a turning point for us. I was pretty sure that when he came home he would either know he wanted to be with me or he would find some beautiful Costa Rican native and run off into the sunset. (Ok so that may be a bit dramatic). But it was hard.

I was a very busy college student and my life revolved around a planner I carried in my purse. It was one of those with a scripture verse at the top of each month. I was amazed one day in July when I opened the planner to the month of August (the month Todd was to return) and I saw the following verse:

Psalm 33:21
"In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name."

Want to know what happens next? Stay tuned...