Baby number 4 is on the way

We are happy to announce that we are expecting baby # 4 sometime this November. We are all really excited. Here are some frequently asked questions and answers in case you are interested.

1. What does this mean for our adoption?
We are in love with our baby boy. We want him home. And I would love if that would happen tomorrow. Unfortunately we have no control over when that will be. Thankfully our adoption process is mostly complete so this pregnancy should not cause any issues. We may have to have an updated home study if the belly baby arrives before Nehemiah. My OBGYN has already told me she would not allow me to travel to Africa while pregnant. I most likely would follow her advice. If we get the go ahead to pick our boy up before this baby arrives Todd will have to travel with out me. Obviously this is not the ideal scenario but we are extremely thankful for this little life growing inside of me and we trust that God will work out the details.

2. How are you feeling?
I am almost 16 weeks and am starting to feel much better now. The first few weeks of this pregnancy I experienced extreme morning sickness. More like all day sickness. And I was extremely tired. I have just started feeling a little better and started getting some of my energy back. The past few months have been interesting as I have fallen asleep in the middle of the day pretty regularly. Thankfully the girls are well behaved and generally do not cause too much trouble if mom falls asleep. Although this pregnancy has brought a newfound love of Disney Junior to my heart.

3. Do you know what you are having and what gender do you prefer?
We do not know this baby's sex yet. We are supposed to have our ultrasound in about 3 weeks. Our family is split down the middle. Two of us want a girl and two of us want a boy. But either way we will all be really excited to have a newborn around.

4. Are the girls excited to have a new baby?
They are beyond excited about the new baby. They are not excited about the possibility of the baby waking them up in the night. But they both already have lots of plans to be mommy's big helper. I suspect there will be lots of fights over who gets to snuggle or feed this little one. They will both be great big sisters.

Hopefully this answers some of your questions. We are absolutely thrilled that God has chosen to give us a baby in this way. And we accept this baby as blessing just like our other 3. All praise be to God for all of our precious gifts.

James 1:17 (ESV)

 ^"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

Dear Homeschool Momma

Before I write this let me preface it by saying: I am not an expert on this thing. I do not have it all figured out. I started my third year of homeschooling my kiddos just last week. I am writing this letter to myself before my first year of homeschooling. If I could by some means go back and give myself some advice here is what I would say. And I am writing this to myself today as well.  Some days I just need to hear this!

Dear Homeschool Momma,

1. Way to go.
This homeschool thing is scary and hardly anyone understands why you would choose to do this. You will have a lot of nay sayers and people who think you are making the wrong decision. Do it anyway! Do what you think is right because in the end you are the only person responsible for your life! And way to go! This is a hard choice to make and I am proud of you for having the guts to do it even though you are mostly scared to death.

2. This will be hard.
You know how you envision other homeschool families as having children who wake up, come downstairs well groomed and ready to begin reading. It doesn't work like that. You will struggle a lot to come up with ways to motivate yourself and these little people to do the tasks assigned to them. You will get behind on math. You will skip pages. You will have some days when at the end you are all crying. Because this is hard!

3. Just because it is hard does not mean you have failed. 
The first day when things are really hard you may think, "Thats it, I have failed. I cannot do this." Keep going. Find new ideas, new curriculum, new incentives or maybe just take a break for the day and have fun with your kids. You will not see the evidence of your kids learning right away. It may take weeks, or even months for some children to grasp new concepts. Stick with it. And you will see progress.

4. Connect with other Homeschool Mommas. 
You need a community of moms that you can run to when you have questions. Moms you can ask for advice. Moms you can just cry with when things are hard. Those moms will keep you sane and make you realize just how normal you are.

5. Take care of yourself.
You need to make sure you get enough sleep. You need to eat healthy meals, regularly. You need to make time to get exercise. (Even if it is just a walk.) You need to make time to get together with your friends. You need to make time for you to spend with your husband. You need to do these things. Do not wait for someone to make you. Do it now. You husband genuinely wants you to be happy and will gladly help you to take better care of yourself, if it is within his means. Ask him.

6. Make time for your husband. 
This deserves two mentions. Remember that handsome, fun, loving guy you were madly in love with and could not wait to marry. He is now yours. So take advantage of that. Make time for him. Plan date nights. Put the kids to bed early sometimes. Or just put the kids in front of a movie in their room and spend time alone together. Be intentional about this. He really is a great guy! And it will benefit you as well.

7. Relax and give yourself some grace. 
You will not spontaneously combust if your child does not know how to read by the end of 1st grade. It will happen. Just keep doing the right things and she will catch on. Its ok if you eat macaroni and cheese for dinner again. Its ok if your house is less clean than you want it to be. Relax and give yourself some grace. You are doing a good job. But you are not perfect. And your desire for perfectionism will only eat away at your relationships. You are going to fail a lot. And you may as well own up to that fact now. Rest in the grace and mercy God gives to you and allow Him to make something beautiful from your mistakes.

8. You are discipling!
You are the keeper of a lot of things. You are the teacher, chef, housekeeper, boo-boo kisser, back scratcher, bad dream rescuer and lots of other titles. But the important one is you are teaching a generation of young people what it means to live as followers of Christ. That is your goal. To raise them to Love the Lord their God with all their hearts and to love their neighbor as themselves. They could be rocket scientists but if they fail to grasp that area their life will be miserable!

9. Have Fun. 
It will be so tempting to cut out the extra fun stuff. It is messy and takes extra work. Do it anyway. The 20 minutes they spend making play-dough trees will be one of their favorite things they did all year. Enjoy them. It will go by in the blink of an eye.

10. Abide in Christ.
It is not enough to just say you believe in Him or to just say you trust Him. You need to daily live and move in Him.

^{John 15:4-5 (ESV)  "}Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵ I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Without Him working in you and your children none of the good things you are seeking will come to pass!


Now Go sister and Take a Nap!

Lovingly,
Your slightly older and slightly wiser self


* As an addendum I would like to add this is by no means me saying if you send your kids to school you are not doing these things or do not need these things. I know that for some families homeschooling is not the best or even a viable option and to those mommas I applaud you. Some of my favorite mommies are PTO presidents and hard at work and involved in their kiddos schools. They bust their butts and are working just as hard at abiding in Christ. I think you are doing awesome work momma. I just have no experience in that area so I cannot speak to it. But please feel free to write your own blog post about that. I just may need it some day!

My crazy, God ordained, night!

    This week has been one of the toughest weeks since we began our international adoption. Nothing new or upsetting happened but my insides were a swirling mess. I have been feeling so defeated and down cast. I have been begging God to show himself to me because I felt so broken.

    This is what makes what happened tonight such a blessing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my God orchestrated every detail of this night to point  us to Himself and His faithfulness.

    I will start at the beginning. This afternoon around 3:00 I talked to Todd and he said he was most likely going to be working late. I decided not to start the dinner I had planned and make sandwiches or something for the girls and I instead. Around 5:00 he called and said plans changed and he was actually going to be home in a few minutes. A few minutes after he walked in the door he received a phone call from a friend of ours. This friend stores some of his things in our barn and wanted to know if we could drop something off to him in the next few minutes. It was kind of an emergency situation and he was not far away. So we all hopped in the car to drive the stuff over to him. Todd made the suggestion that we all eat at a pizza restaurant nearby. We had coupons for buy one get one free meals and would be out anyway.

    Here is the really cool part. We ate our meal at the pizza place and decided to go as a family into the arcade area. We walked into the arcade area and immediately a woman came up to us and commented about my shirt I was wearing. She said, "I have the same t-shirt." The shirt I was wearing was our fundraiser shirts that we sold to raise money for our adoption. I thought it was the coolest thing that someone I did not know had our shirt. So I introduced myself and told her that we were the family that was selling them to raise money for our adoption. She immediately teared up and said, "Oh my, your family has inspired my husband and I to adopt internationally." I was blown away. She shared how her and her husband have one child but have not been able to conceive another and after hearing our story they have decided to adopt internationally. We do not even know them. We continued to talk for a moment and then this is where the story gets even better. A man who was standing nearby with his sons said, "I am sorry to interrupt by I have to, my wife and I are in the process of adopting from Nicaragua. She is there now with our daughter. She has been there for two months. This has been a long process for us but I have to tell you that God cares about orphans. Our God is so faithful." My jaw literally was about to fall on the floor. And all of us continued to talk about how it was not where we had planned to be for dinner that night. But our God, who is faithful, put us all in that spot at that moment. And my heart knows that my God spoke directly to what I needed to hear from Him.

    My God is real! And He is faithful. This journey has been so much harder than I ever dared imagine. But God has been so much more faithful than I ever dreamed He would be.

Update

      It has been a while since I posted an update. So I thought I would let everyone know where we are. We have been submitted to court in DRC and are awaiting judgement. Once we receive our judgement we go through a 30 day wait period called CONA. If no immediate family members come forward to claim our little guy he will be officially our son in the eyes of the Congolese government. After CONA we will submit paperwork with the US Immigration Services and once they approve us we have a 3-6 month investigation period by the US Embassy in Congo. Once they approve everything we will be given the green light for travel and get to go pick up our little guy. So basically we do not know when he will be home. And with any international adoption there is always room for things to fall through and things to go wrong.

 To be real here. I have been "looking" at bedding for our little one. The moment we got the first phone call for our first referral I was already dreaming of a nursery. But after losing him and that huge heartbreak I am just really afraid to make concrete plans for this little guy. I seriously might be doing this little guy's nursery the week before we travel. (Ok, probably not.) I have been praying to God for more faith. More faith to trust Him even when the way does not look clear. And I think He has been granting that to me. But I also know that trusting in God means that sometimes things will not work out how I want and I need to trust Him even then. So I am wrestling with that. With how much of my apprehension is fear and how much is just plain wisdom. And to be truthful I have not gotten it all sorted out. This week God has been reminding me over and over through books and the Bible and my daily devotional that this is not supposed to all happen in my power and my strength. He is the one in control. My job is to trust Him and walk where He tells me to. He will fulfill the plans He has. I wish I was more faithful to believe that His plans are for my good. (Romans 8:28). But I admit I struggle with that.

    A couple years ago we were at a point in our adoption process where our agency (not the one we are with now) told us they may not approve us for the adoption because we did not have enough money in our bank account. I remember reading that email and feeling devastated. I cried and prayed and begged God for clarity. I was emotionally a wreck that day. I ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. I passed out from sheer emotional exhaustion and when I woke up this verse was pounding in my head.

2nd Corinthians 4:7 " But we have this treasure in Jars of Clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)

    God uses the broken, weak and humble things of this world to display His power. I am reminded more and more as this adoption progresses how truly weak I am. And I am learning more and more what a truly big and powerful God I serve.

    In the end, I am not sure if I will get to bring home the little baby boy I have grown to love. I am not sure if I will get to kiss his chocolate cheeks or see him in the baby boy clothes we have stored away. I am not sure if I will ever have another child fill our crib but I know my God is good and He can be trusted. So I am taking it day by day. Today is a good day. But tomorrow if you see me wallowing in the mud of doubt and tears, can you just give me a hug and offer a prayer for me? I am weak and I will have days like that!
 

World Malaria Day

     I wrote this blog February 13th. At the time the emotions were so raw we were not ready to share it. But today is World Malaria Day and I thought it was a fitting day to share it. Before you read this please know it is not about our Nehemiah that we are currently pursuing for adoption.


   "About three weeks ago I answered a phone call that changed our lives. Our adoption facilitator told me about a little baby boy that was only a few weeks old. And asked if we would be interested in pursuing him for adoption. Of course my heart burst at the seams and I said, "yes." We were told the official paperwork would follow soon. About a week later, we learned our little guy was sick and had to be hospitalized. And we were put on hold from pursuing him until he was on the upswing.

    That was about two weeks ago. During that time we have fallen in love with this little guy. We have prayed for him. We have dreamed of bedroom colors and baby things. We have asked family and friends to pray for him. We have begged God to heal him and begged God to bring him into our family. These past few weeks have been hard. We have prayed for clarity. We have asked God to make clear what He wants for us. We have asked Him to have His way. And we have asked God to do what is best for this little guy. And today we have clarity. We were told today that we are not able to pursue this little guy for adoption. And he is still sick. The truth is he may not make it.

    And that idea breaks my heart. And we are still begging God to heal him. If you want to join us in praying for him please do so. But at this time we are not able to move forward with adopting him. The situation is out of our hands. But we know He is in the hands of God."

    We think that little guy probably had Malaria. We do not know for sure. But we believe so. We have also learned that since that time he has passed away.

   God was so gracious to our family. He gave us such peace the day we found out that little guy would not make it. And the same day we learned of his fate we accepted our referral of our Nehemiah. My heart was utterly broken at the loss of our first baby. I wept so hard for his little life. He was precious to us. And still is. I hope one day I get to see his face in heaven. We were blessed to be able to pray for him and want him, if only for a short time. And honestly I am thankful we were given the opportunity. Even if it meant my heart was broken.

Malaria is one of the top 3 child killers on the planet and it is treatable and even preventable.
Check out this website if you want to learn more. And for every person who watches the trailer to this HBO Film one child will receive Malaria treatment.

http://www.malarianomore.org/pages/hbo-films-mary-and-martha

Follow the Leader

     Sunday we were surprisingly blessed with 65 degree weather. Living in Michigan, 65 degree weather is like heaven because we have been living around 30 degrees since November. Since we were so desperate for some outdoor activity we loaded the bikes and everyone up and headed to the park to ride the bike path.

    Daddy was the leader followed by the girls and I was bringing up the rear. As we would come to a part of the path that seemed impassable, one of the girls would start to get nervous and begin to whine a bit. Saying things like, "I can't do it."  I would talk to them calmly and say, "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." And then we would come up to the seemingly impassable area and said child would complete it. No problem.

    After repeating this a couple times I felt this gentle nudge in my heart. I am just like my girls. You see I have been looking ahead at some paths that seem insurmountable. There are some things, that I have been telling myself, I am not sure I can make it passed. Some parts of the road ahead look too rocky and too hard. And I have been wondering if I could make it through. It was as if God himself was whispering to me,  "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." I know something about the path that my kids do not factor into their thoughts. I would never leave them. Even if there was a portion of the path they could not physically handle, I would get off my bike and carry us all through it. The path is not important to me. But my children are. And I feel like he was whispering that truth to me. He won't abandon me. He cares for me more lovingly and perfectly than I care for my own children. Will I trust Him? Will I follow Him?

    What about you? Do you have some paths up ahead that look a little rough?

Broken

Have you ever had a day where you wish you could wash away the hurt and the pain and the sting in the shower? When the day reminds you of your brokenness and frailty. When they day slaps you in the face with your failings. When your heart breaks and you weep for those around you that are hurting too. I had that day. And I seem to be having those days. 

And on one such day I heard the most hurtful words flung from the mouth of a babe. And I hurt down deep because those words first came from my mouth. And the sting was deep. And I cried out God help me. Change my messy broken soul. Make me something more. Make my heart something that pleases you. Make this frail broken mess something that brings you glory. And I weep. And I ache. 

And I shower to try to wash away the numbness. And I cry. And I eat cookies. And I sit on the floor and have tickle fights. And I weep long in the arms of the man I love. And it still hurts. And I am still broken. 

But my God is big. And His mercy and grace are new every morning. He is perfect. He is good. He is holy. I am not. And today I can rest in the fact that His grace is sufficient for my weakness. 

And I list gifts. 

#555 cookies

#556 lunch with dad

#557 wrapping gifts with little girls

 #558 tickle fights in the floor

#559 stopping by a friends 

And joy comes still in the midst of pain. 

Some exciting news to share!

     Many of you know that we have been waiting Impatiently for referral from Ethiopia since 2010. That road has been rocky and rough to say the least. There have been lots of discouragements and not much good news to report. So I am super happy to have some good news to share with you all. Ethiopia is still rough. Our agency has not had a referral since April. We have been desperately praying about what God would want us to do. And it has been a tough decision. As many of you know our hearts were set on Ethiopia. And we have been heartbroken to think that may not happen. But God is good. And while we still do not know for sure that the door to Ethiopia is closed we are feeling a peace to apply to another country. 

     I am super happy to tell you in the thick of the rough road God has opened up a new direction for us. And I am happy to report we are pursuing an independent adoption from The Democratic Republic of The Congo. We are almost done with our dossier and I am hoping that by the end of this month we will be officially waiting! 

   What this means officially is that we are still technically on a wait list for Ethiopia. And we will also be on a waiting list for DRC. But we are not even close to the top on the Ethiopian list and it hasn't moved at all in the past 6 months. So we are hopeful that the DRC list will move more quickly. We are using a facilitator that we trust very much to find a child and an attorney in DRC.  This particular facilitator has been giving referrals to families within weeks of getting their dossier done. But our hope is to have a referral within a few months. Once the referral comes in we have to say yes or no and agree to work with the attorney who is connected with that child. If we agree we then have to pay the attorney fees/ and child-care expenses, which will total roughly $16,000.00 Once we have that in order our attorney files paperwork for us in DRC and we get a court date. After a lot of paperwork and waiting, if we pass court we will then apply for embassy dates and get to meet our child in country. This will probably be roughly 5 months from when we get a referral. And after lawyer fees, legal fees, childcare costs, flights and stay in country we are expecting to have to come up with roughly $25,000-$30,000 in the next 6 months or so. 

    So with that in mind we would love for you all to join us to help get our little guy home. 

Here is what you can do. 

    First and foremost PRAY. This is the most important. God is the one who decides the outcome here. Not us. And we know that God moves on behalf of the prayers of his people. Pray for God to lead us to the right child. Pray for God to orchestrate our paperwork and to have us ready when our child is. Pray for God to prepare us emotionally, physically and financially for this new child. Pray for God to protect our child and get him into the hands of people who will fight for him. The DRC is very unstable. The more I have been reading about this precious country the more my heart is broken for the people and the children who are in the midst of war. Please pray for the nation of DRC. And pray for God to bring redemption there. Pray. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. And let us know you are praying. We are so encouraged when people tell us they are praying for us. This process is hard. And we feel weary many days. But we are so blessed by our community that has been actively praying for us and our baby.  The people who have sent emails, texts, and calls. People who have hugged us, cried with us, let us vent. We are tremendously blessed by our friends, and family and friends who are family. Thank you! Thank-you! Thank-you! So please keep praying. 

    And if you are able and would like to support us we have a few fundraising options coming up in the next couple months. 

    Right now we are selling shirts to raise money. T-shirts, green or black S, M, L, XL are $20.00. Sizes 2XL-3XL are $22.00. Hooded Sweatshirts $30.00. If you require shipping it will be an additional $5.00. We are pre-selling shirts until December 17th. We can have them out by Christmas if we get your order by then. Contact me if you are interested. 

Giving Thanks

    It was one of those days when a lot of what is wrong with the world was smacking us in the face. It was just a struggle. A bad day. A day that could make me sink. I started the day waking up 20 mins late. I rushed around to get everyone out the door. As we were driving in the car, I thought of how my Bible lay unopened that morning. My devotional book un-cracked. My daily Thanksgiving journal lay untouched. I hungered for that connection I get with God from those moments. But I cried out to him in the car in the midst of the chaos and kids arguing. I cried out to him and just said, "I need you Lord. Please meet me today."

    The day was hard. Hurtful words thrown my way. Kids not obeying. Deadlines looming over-head. News of friends hurting, real, raw. Kids fighting. Momma's nerves wearing thin. Plans having to be shifted and changed. Disappointment settling over the kids. But in the midst I saw His fingerprints. I saw God reaching out to me. Reminding me that He was there. He was writing my story and His plans are good. An unexpected lunch invitation. A friend helping me, right when I needed it. Daddy home to stay with kids while I make an afternoon grocery run. Watching the girls trim our Christmas tree in the kitchen. Snuggling close with girls while watching a long anticipated movie.

After the kids were snuggled into bed, books read, prayers said and kisses given. I sat alone in the living room. I watched the lights on the Christmas tree dance. I sipped a warm cup of apple cinnamon tea and cracked open my Bible and Thanksgiving journal. My heart was over whelmed with peace. Peace that is beyond understanding.

In the midst of hard God is still there. And there is good. Such goodness still.

Will you join me today and be on the look out for what your heart can be Thankful for?

Doing the next thing

I woke up this morning way too tired. I woke up this morning way too crabby. I woke up this morning with my heart full of way too much. I went over the list in my head of all the to dos for the day and the to dos for the week and it was all too much.

There is no way I can possibly be all that everyone around me needs me to be. I need to parent and disciple these two precious little girls well. I need to teach their minds and hearts knowledge and the studies of all things. I need to discipline them well and instill a heart of gratitude.

I need to be a good wife to my husband. I need to be respectful and submit to His leadership. I need to make him feel welcome and treasured when he is home and to think and talk well of him in his absence.

I need to be housekeeper and clean and organize the space we are blessed to call home.  I need to wash, dry and fold the mountain of clothes we are blessed to have. I need to create healthy and filling meals to nourish our bodies.

On top of all of these I need to make time to read God's word and pray (most important), to rest (so needed) , to exercise (Let's not even go there). I need to do these and one hundred other little tasks each day. And I want to do them with excellence.

But if I am truly honest sometimes I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. It is all too much.

So I found myself crying this morning as I was putting another load of laundry in the washer. Fighting my way down the basement stairs with arms too full and stuff falling down around me as I walked. And crying. Crying real the kind where you start to breath all huffy. Crying over laundry. And not laundry. Crying because I can't do it all. Crying because I am overtired from staying up too late.

And I stopped in the midst of my huffy breathing and gave thanks. Raw, hard thanks. Thanks for a washer that works and for the little girls giggling up the stairs. Thanks for the arms and legs that are healthy enough for the task. And I cried out to God to please help me make it through this day and the million tasks that lie ahead.

And then I did the next thing. A while back I came across a poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot that talks about when your heart is feeling overwhelmed that the best thing to do is to cast your cares on God and do the next thing. Do it with reliance on God and thanksgiving.

So I did that. I began cleaning one area at a time. First the kitchen. Moving onto the living room. Now here I am. Its almost noon. I still have much to do. And much that may be left undone. But my heart is filled with new joy.

If you are feeling a bit like I was today., I encourage you to do the next thing and do it with thanksgiving.

Monday Musings

 It was Monday. The day was long already and it was only 2 pm. I was battling an allergy headache and a soul full of crabbiness. I had given on up on the rest of school work for the day after finding one child had purposely taken her sisters "special" coloring page and "finished" it for her. I no longer had the energy. I was attempting to reassemble our house after a weekend of disaster fun. Laundry was piled high. There were remnants of playtime all over the house. Markers and crayons strewn on and under the table.  Building blocks thrown about the living room. 

 

 I am not sure what was the thing that set me off. Maybe the dirty socks that were found laying under the kitchen table. But my mouth went into full out war. I found myself saying things like, "Do you think I am your maid?" Just hearing the words come from my mouth I knew. I could see how my grasping for peace was turning our home into a war zone. 

Why do I do that? Why do I demand perfection from myself and thus place those expectations on my family? Does it matter that much if my house is perfectly in order? I know it does not. But there are moments I think it's my right to have a clean home. It's my right to have things put back the way I left them. It's my right to not have to clean up markers and crayons for the 77th time today. 

 What about my rights? 

 Mark 10:42-45 (NIV)

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

The Son of God left His rights and gave Himself up to serve. There are days that this life doesn't feel like service to God. The daily grind of making meals, teaching kids, doing laundry, dishes, and chauffeuring from here to there. This daily living is not exceptional. But I was reminded the other day while reading My Utmost for His Highest that God does not require me to do exceptional things. But instead He wants me to live my daily life in an extraordinary way. 

I admit the daily serving of those closest to me is the hardest for me. It is hard for me to respond patiently when the girls are arguing for the  millionth time today and I don't want to be referee. It is hard to respond with love to the whines of a child.  (Something about that decibal just grates on my nerves.) When I walk into a room, that was just cleaned, to find it now completely destroyed the very last thing I want to think about is serving my family with love. 

My girls only have one mom. My husband only has one wife. Our home can be cleaned by anyone.  The laundry will still be in the same spot when I get back to it. And food can be ordered take-out. But there is only one person who can fulfill the  role of wife and mom to my family. And that is me. 

I really would like to say I got over my funk and am back to being a loving mom and wife. But really, the truth is, I am all too often in that funk. I am all too often demanding my own rights instead of looking for ways to serve my family. 

Lord- Give me eyes to see how to love my family today with the heart of a servant. Forgive me for demanding my own rights. Forgive me for seeking to be served instead of looking to serve those around me. Change me. And teach me how to be the wife my husband needs and the momma my kids deserve. 

A heart of Thanksgiving

    It has been several months since my last post. The post about a wall of thanksgiving. And to be honest I titled this post "Heart of Thanksgiving"  but I am not sure I am completely there. The past few months we have been learning more and more about the state of our adoption in Ethiopia. Things do not look positive. It has been over 6 months since our agency has had a referral.

    I have had many super tough days. Many days when I would pray and beg God for direction, clarity,  some kind of sign that we are still supposed to be doing this. I have looked for other options, researched, prayed over, cried over other countries, other plans. And to be honest we are still in the same boat. We do not know when or even if we will ever complete an adoption.

But here is what I do know.

1. God is the one who determines our steps.
"In his heart a man plans His course but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9 NIV

2. God can be trusted.
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8 NIV

3. I can know the will of God.
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18

   This certainly not an easy time of life for me. So much of my dreams seem to be slipping away. But if I trust in my own ideas of my what my best plans are I will surely lose my life. ( Luke 9:24 "For whoever wants to save His life will lose it, but whoever loses His life for me will save it.") So here I am stumbling, struggling, and many times failing but trying to  surrender my plans and my dreams to be faithful to my God. He is God and I am not. And while this does not always make sense I know He is good.

    Yet in the midst of this struggle I have found a deep joy.  And it came from a heart of Thankfulness. Over these past few months I have been stopping for random moments to write down what I am thankful for on my wall of Thanksgiving.  And more recently I have taken the challenge to journal what I am thankful for and to count to one thousand gifts.

    I have a little journal that I am handwriting and counting what I am thankful for. I have gotten to #148 as of today. #148 A day with daddy home. Stopping to count the moments has taught me to fully enjoy each moment. When I can stop to record something as simple as #70 The smell of tea bags it reminds that each moment is a gift. I can choose to embrace each gift as a blessing from a good God or I can reject His moments and scoff at all the gifts I do not have. I am learning. I am far from there. And I find myself falling into old routines. I find myself looking at how God has blessed others. How he has written their stories and being jealous. But when I choose instead to give thanks. To see that His will, even now, is perfect I find joy. I find peace. I find that I have intimacy with God Himself.
 
   That is the way to find joy. Not to have everything I want. But to truly enjoy everything I have. I invite you to take the challenge for yourself. What are you thankful for?

#135 A warm shower...
#137 Watching my 4 year old read a BOB book to her daddy...
#139 Restful sleep...
#141 A warm, sunny day...

Wall of Thanksgiving.

So during one of my rough days a few weeks ago I was texting a friend and she said she was praying for me and asked if she could give me homework. "Sure", I said. Her homework was for our family to remember all the times God has been faithful to us and to write down all the things we are thankful for. I loved the idea and immediately wanted to make this something we can keep. Something that will look pretty and we can display for years to come. I scanned Pinterest but still could not find anything I really liked to display thanksgiving. Everything was specifically for the holiday of Thanksgiving so it looked a little too fallish for everyday. Then I came upon a homemade cork board and really loved the idea. So I set about to make my own cork board for thankfulness. The above picture is what I ended up with. I love it! Please do not pay attention to the dirty fingerprints on my white door. (This makes me want to clean that right now.)

Here is how I did it in case you would like to make your own.

Step 1. I purchased a cork panel from Hobby Lobby. It was around $14.00. Hobby Lobby has coupons on their website for 40% off any one item. That makes it roughly $9.00.

Step 2: I searched and searched for the right fabric to cover the board. I could not find anything I loved for under $40.00. I finally found this shower curtain at TJ Maxx for $14.99. I had a $10.00 gift card for there so it cost me roughly $5.00. You can pretty much use any fabric as long as it is large enough and is not sheer. I bet you could even find something at a Thrift Store that you can use. 

Step 3: I cut the fabric to roughly the same size as the board and used a staple gun to secure it to the back of the board. Todd helped me with this step because it was useful to have another pair of hands pulling the fabric tight while I stapled. That and maybe he didn't really trust me that much to handle his staple gun.

Step 4: I secured a piece of ribbon to the back of the board with the staple gun.

Step 5: I cut out tiny pieces of pretty scrap book paper for us to use for our things we are thankful for. And then we stuck them on the cork board with push pins. 

Here is the finished product along with the first things the kids said they are thankful for. 

Elizabeth: God helps me when I am hurt. He heals me. I love Him. 

Claire: God loves me. I love Him. I am thankful for the bunny rabbit. 

I think that alone was worth the $15.00. 

I am super grateful for the ability to remember how truly blessed I am!

Wrecked

I am wrecked. I was Internet shopping this afternoon for a little gift for a precious family who just came home with their son. I imagine to any normal person looking at adoption gifts doesn't send you into tears. But for me it did. Suddenly all the adoption books, wall art, t-shirts were not for this precious family but for me. For my son. For our family.

I never really understood, until now, how someone can simultaneously feel two feelings. I feel intense joy, and gratefulness to God for writing this precious story for my friends. I feel incredibly privileged to bear witness to God doing a miracle in the life of a precious child. I am overjoyed with them for the blessing they now have in their home.

And then I also feel longing. Longing for our call. Our picture. Our happy ending.  Longing for our story of redemption. Longing for our turn.

I am wrecked.

To say that I am coping is a stretch. I am weary. I am burdened. I am hurting.

I am not ok. Some people may be wondering why I would admit this. Why would I admit that I cry almost daily and sometimes over the silliest things. Most of the time my tears are private. Most of the time I save them for the shower or the bathroom or the car.

So how can I feel a wreck and yet live with hope?

^{Isaiah 40:28-31 (niv)}

 Do you not know Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Giving it over

So the past few days Todd and I were trying to figure out if and where we were going to do a family vacation this summer. We have gone every year, for the past three years, to a little beach house in a cute little Michigan town. We love love love this. It is a super inexpensive and low key way for our family to make some memories. So we were looking to go to the same little town this summer and the place we normally stay was mostly booked so we started looking at other options. Now this is not a big deal. It isn't super important in the grand scheme of things. But, can I tell you, my heart was in a panic about it. The act of emailing people, bargaining, and moving around dates was making me freak out. In the midst of trying to wrap up our school year, and trying to just get the other life stuff done it was too much for my brain to handle. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It really is not a big deal. But suddenly my brain was in an all out tizzy over dates and places and money and... what if the dates we want cannot be found and we will never be able to have a great family vacation filled with memories. My children will be scarred for life.

Ok, so back to reality. I took a second and had a little conversation in my head and reasoned that this thing is getting out of control in my little brain so I need some help. Now while I was looking at houses, emailing people and going out of control, my much more sane husband was doing the same thing in a much more human like fashion. So when he came home last night I said, "This vacation thing is freaking me out, so I am handing it over to you and I trust you to do the research and then when you come back to me with a decision I will on almost all accounts agree to whatever you have decided." And then I pretended to physically hand him the "vacation" box. Shew I feel better already. I literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I took something that I was freaking out over and gave it to some very capable hands.

This little exchange has me thinking about how so often while I am in a tizzy about something in my life God is already working on it. And I think He is just waiting for me to hand him the box and say I trust His decision. So last night as I lay in bed I had a mental picture of handing over about a half dozen boxes that I have been "working" on that are becoming to heavy for me to carry. And I feel better. Until I try to pick up those boxes again. So today I want to lay it all down and instead choose to carry His yoke.


Because what happens is I give Him a box and say I trust Him. But then when things aren't working out exactly like I thought or according to my time-table I pick it up again and try to make it work on my own. And that doesn't ever work out. But for some reason I keep forgetting that. And my patient and loving heavenly father continues to remind me over and over that I can trust Him with my boxes.

What boxes have been causing you some craziness? It's time to hand them over. But not to me. I have enough to carry and cannot be trusted with them.


* A little side note. Sorry the verse is coming out all crazy. I cannot make it look normal and have no patience for it right now. That box is gone.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Faith enough

I am reminded over and over that my thoughts are not the thoughts of God. My ways are not His ways. It doesn't make much sense by human standards to love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43-48) It doesn't make much sense to give my life away and think that in doing so I will truly find life. (Luke 9:24) God's ways don't often make much sense to my mind. But more and more I am finding my heart being changed, renewed and made different. And I am finding that sometimes my initial response is really the thing that God wants. I am finding my "natural" tendencies are being shifted more and more to things that seem unnatural. When I am hurt I am finding that sometimes I want to respond with forgiveness and love. When I find a hopeless situation sometimes I want to respond with faith and believe that with God all things are possible. But it isn't me. I know this because it wasn't always so. And I am finding the more I lay down my will and submit the more and more God's ways are starting to make sense to me.

I had a revelation moment last night. There was something I wanted and desperately prayed for many many years ago. I longed for this thing and yet it didn't happen. It didn't make much sense in the moment. But last night I had a glimpse into what my life may have looked like had that prayer been answered how I wanted. And it was not a pretty picture. And I found myself thanking God for not giving me what I wanted. For seeing beyond my initial hearts desire and looking deeper into the real longings of my heart. I am so utterly grateful that I didn't get to choose. I would have messed it up for sure.

I am grateful for the hurt I experienced then because in the end it is better for me. In the moment that hurt did not feel good. The pain I experienced was real and hard. But I see now that it was what needed to happen. And now I can thank God that His ways are higher.

One of my deepest desires is to be a momma to many children. I know I am utterly blessed beyond measure to be able to mother the littles that I have been gifted. I know this. And I am working hard to treasure the moments I have with them. I am so thankful for them. And there are days when I am overwhelmed with them.  But I love that I get to be their momma. I feel truly privileged to be able to shepherd them into adulthood. And I long to do that for more babies. I long to have more littles calling me momma. Yesterday at Co-op I had the blessing to hold a little guy who was 10 months old while his momma was visiting his older siblings for a few minutes. Do you know what happens to a momma's heart when you long for a baby and one is placed in your arms? It is an intense feeling. A crazy tug at your heart. And my heart was longing.

And sometimes my longing heart can cause me to hurt And hurt can lead to doubt. And doubt can cause me to question the wisdom of God. I am thankful that my God is patient with my questions and loving towards my doubting heart. And He is faithful to give me practical glimpses into what my like would be like if I would have chosen my own way. And again I am reminded that His ways are better. So yesterday, while I had a glimpse of what life would be like if I would have gotten all I wanted, I also had a thought- "I bet in the end I will say that I am thankful for this hurt." And maybe someday I will hold another little who will call me momma and I will be able to say this may not have been what I would have chosen but it is much more than I ever could have hoped for.

There is a song by the band Jars of Clay it is called "Faith Enough".  I love this song. I could recite all the lyrics because just about anyone of them speaks to me but here is a snippet of what I love.

The land unfit enough for planting

Barren enough to conceive

Poor enough to gain the treasure

Enough a cynic to believe

Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction

The sun eclipsed enough to shine

Be still enough to finally tremble

And see enough to know I'm blind

And see enough to know I'm blind

                    Should the world rely on faith tonight

I am choosing today to rely on faith. Faith not in what my plans are or in what I think is best. But faith that my God truly does know what is best and have my best interest at heart. 

True Story

So here are some real life quotes heard around our house the past few days.


As we are just about to pull into our homeschool CO-OP.
Child: Mom, Why are we always late for school? All the other families are not. 
Me: That is because this is where I fail at life.

As we are eating dinner.
Child: We had this for dinner last night. 
Me: Yes I know. 

As I am bent over child trying to tie her shoes for her.
Child: You are squishing your boobs together. Followed by crazy laughter.
No reply. What do you say to a child with no filter?
Just Keeping it real people.

As daddy is giving good night kisses.
Child: Everyone has their own smell. 
(This one is stinking cute.)


Me: Don't step in the baby powder. 
So in an effort to rid of some annoying ants I have covered several areas along the wall with baby powder. It seems to be working but really how long can one keep baby powder all over their floor? I am thinking it needs to go soon but then will the ants come back right away? Hmmmm... we shall see.

Thanks for listening to my random ramblings.

And here are the quotation culprits.

On a completely separate note. I took these pictures one night after a long evening of playing together because I thought they looked so stinking cute I wanted to remember them like this forever.

Where is your house built?

A 20 year old girl said yes. She married the man of her dreams. A few weeks before the wedding she couldn't believe this was her life, a fairy tale come true. 

A few weeks later - the wedding, the honey-moon, the move to a new place, figuring out how to live on her own. Trying to work, be a wife, grocery shop, budget, cook, clean and run a home.  Figuring out how to share space and time and everything with someone else. Figuring out that you don't always like that someone else. Finding out that this fairy tale is not exactly a happy ending. Wondering if there is hope. Wondering what happened to all those happy feelings and dreams she held just a short time ago. 

A young woman, now a wife. Feeling stuck in a life she wasn't sure she still wanted. Still feeling love for this man but feeling stuck in a cycle of hurt and fighting and pain and not sure how to make it better.   Crying out in desperation to her Savior. She lays it all bare and says she doesn't want to do it anymore. She doesn't like this life. His call is to surrender. For a moment she hesitates. She knows what surrender will mean. At least she thinks she does. But she says she will. 

She lays it down and commits again to this marriage. Not knowing what the future would hold. But knowing her Savior was worth following. When she begins to give up her pain and feelings about the marriage the Savior begins to show her how much she has to learn. How she has wronged him. How much she has hurt him. How she is not always as right as she imagines she is. Slowly her ideas about him begin to soften. And she sees how much he really does love her. How much he is trying to make her happy. She begins to forgive him and to seek his forgiveness. 

Slowly she learns what it means to be a wife that is after the heart of God. She learns to respect her man and to lift him up. She learns to bring him before the Lord and to beg the Lord to shape and mold him. But along the way she realizes that more than shaping and molding him the savior is shaping and molding her. And as her heart is changed their marriage is also being changed. 

And suddenly there is hope again. Life is peaceful. Joy fills the home. Hearts are being molded and drawn towards each other. The man is surrendered to the Lord. The Lord is the head of the home and the wife is surrendered to the man and the Lord. And now the fairy-tale is a distant memory but I would not be trade the joy of the moment for any fairy-tale. 

This is my story. 

I cannot be more grateful that my Savior called me to surrender when I was at the end of my hope. I thought that being willing to stay would be mean a life doomed to that crazy cycle. But instead when I was ready to let God lead me wherever He wanted I found infinite joy. And the love of my life. I love you Todd more now than 8 years ago when that young girl said yes. We have surely had the wind and rain beat upon our house and the storms of life threaten to knock us over but our house built upon the rock of Jesus Christ remains.  Praise Him!

Matthew 7:24 (NIV) "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock."

Postponement in the Desert

A few months ago I sat at my computer desk and opened an email from our agency. I read through the email and it basically said, "Bad news, bad news, bad news, you should probably be double applying, don't put all your eggs in this basket." So I read the email. I cried, I prayed and then I told God, "That's it I'm done. I quit this. I can't do it anymore." As I was praying there happened to be an advertisement for a video game on the right hand screen of my computer. And in big bold letters flashed, "CHOOSE YOUR GOD."

That same evening with my heart hard and hurting we made our way to church. Want to guess what the message was? It was about choosing who your God was going to be. If Jesus is really going to be your Lord and master then He should be able to tell you where to go, what to do. Even when you don't want to do it. So I sat there knowing this was exactly what my heart needed to hear. And I surrendered. I gave Him my hurting heart and my will. And I told Him I would do this if He wanted me to. I didn't know how or have the strength to walk this way one more minute but He is my Lord and my God and I choose Him.

Right now I am reading the book "Hinds feet on high places." The book is about a woman named 'Much-Afraid'. In the book the Shepherd promises Much-Afraid to take her to the High Places. More than anything in the world Much-Afraid wants to go there. She longs for it. And one day the Shepherd actually takes her to begin her journey towards the High places. One day when the path takes a turn into the desert and far away from the High Places Much-Afraid calls to her Shepherd and asks Him why. She cannot imagine why this is the path and feels like it must be a mistake. This cannot be the way he is leading. This way is going directly away from her hearts desire and she does not want to go. Taken from the book- "Then he answered her very quietly, 'Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert.' "

When I read these words it is like my God is speaking them directly to my soul. I don't understand why this is taking longer than I ever imagined. I sometimes feel like a fool for going this way. Why walk through this desert? There has to be a quicker way to have a child right. I mean pregnancy is shorter. I don't get it. And I wish I had a easier and quicker way. But for whatever reason He has lead us through this desert. He has lead us to this path. And I am trying to be faithful. I struggle. And many days I feel the weed of impatience in my heart. But I know He is good and so my heart says what Much-Afraid replied to her savior.

"I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."- Much-Afraid

Food for thought

I was just chewing on an article I read. The teenage son of a pastor (black) asks a white girl from his Christian school if she would attend his senior prom with him. She says yes but then a few days later comes back to him with tears and says her dad, "doesn't believe in that." This church going, assuming Bible believing dad doesn't believe in that.

So I am just wondering, assuming our adoption works out and we really bring home a beautiful dark skinned baby boy, will anyone be offended in 18 years if he wants to take your white daughter to prom? Or what if in 25 years he asks your daughter to marry him? Will anyone really think, "I don't believe in that kind of thing?"

I hope not, but I cannot help to think that may be something we will encounter.

And I am chewing on that today.