My crazy, God ordained, night!

    This week has been one of the toughest weeks since we began our international adoption. Nothing new or upsetting happened but my insides were a swirling mess. I have been feeling so defeated and down cast. I have been begging God to show himself to me because I felt so broken.

    This is what makes what happened tonight such a blessing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my God orchestrated every detail of this night to point  us to Himself and His faithfulness.

    I will start at the beginning. This afternoon around 3:00 I talked to Todd and he said he was most likely going to be working late. I decided not to start the dinner I had planned and make sandwiches or something for the girls and I instead. Around 5:00 he called and said plans changed and he was actually going to be home in a few minutes. A few minutes after he walked in the door he received a phone call from a friend of ours. This friend stores some of his things in our barn and wanted to know if we could drop something off to him in the next few minutes. It was kind of an emergency situation and he was not far away. So we all hopped in the car to drive the stuff over to him. Todd made the suggestion that we all eat at a pizza restaurant nearby. We had coupons for buy one get one free meals and would be out anyway.

    Here is the really cool part. We ate our meal at the pizza place and decided to go as a family into the arcade area. We walked into the arcade area and immediately a woman came up to us and commented about my shirt I was wearing. She said, "I have the same t-shirt." The shirt I was wearing was our fundraiser shirts that we sold to raise money for our adoption. I thought it was the coolest thing that someone I did not know had our shirt. So I introduced myself and told her that we were the family that was selling them to raise money for our adoption. She immediately teared up and said, "Oh my, your family has inspired my husband and I to adopt internationally." I was blown away. She shared how her and her husband have one child but have not been able to conceive another and after hearing our story they have decided to adopt internationally. We do not even know them. We continued to talk for a moment and then this is where the story gets even better. A man who was standing nearby with his sons said, "I am sorry to interrupt by I have to, my wife and I are in the process of adopting from Nicaragua. She is there now with our daughter. She has been there for two months. This has been a long process for us but I have to tell you that God cares about orphans. Our God is so faithful." My jaw literally was about to fall on the floor. And all of us continued to talk about how it was not where we had planned to be for dinner that night. But our God, who is faithful, put us all in that spot at that moment. And my heart knows that my God spoke directly to what I needed to hear from Him.

    My God is real! And He is faithful. This journey has been so much harder than I ever dared imagine. But God has been so much more faithful than I ever dreamed He would be.

Update

      It has been a while since I posted an update. So I thought I would let everyone know where we are. We have been submitted to court in DRC and are awaiting judgement. Once we receive our judgement we go through a 30 day wait period called CONA. If no immediate family members come forward to claim our little guy he will be officially our son in the eyes of the Congolese government. After CONA we will submit paperwork with the US Immigration Services and once they approve us we have a 3-6 month investigation period by the US Embassy in Congo. Once they approve everything we will be given the green light for travel and get to go pick up our little guy. So basically we do not know when he will be home. And with any international adoption there is always room for things to fall through and things to go wrong.

 To be real here. I have been "looking" at bedding for our little one. The moment we got the first phone call for our first referral I was already dreaming of a nursery. But after losing him and that huge heartbreak I am just really afraid to make concrete plans for this little guy. I seriously might be doing this little guy's nursery the week before we travel. (Ok, probably not.) I have been praying to God for more faith. More faith to trust Him even when the way does not look clear. And I think He has been granting that to me. But I also know that trusting in God means that sometimes things will not work out how I want and I need to trust Him even then. So I am wrestling with that. With how much of my apprehension is fear and how much is just plain wisdom. And to be truthful I have not gotten it all sorted out. This week God has been reminding me over and over through books and the Bible and my daily devotional that this is not supposed to all happen in my power and my strength. He is the one in control. My job is to trust Him and walk where He tells me to. He will fulfill the plans He has. I wish I was more faithful to believe that His plans are for my good. (Romans 8:28). But I admit I struggle with that.

    A couple years ago we were at a point in our adoption process where our agency (not the one we are with now) told us they may not approve us for the adoption because we did not have enough money in our bank account. I remember reading that email and feeling devastated. I cried and prayed and begged God for clarity. I was emotionally a wreck that day. I ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. I passed out from sheer emotional exhaustion and when I woke up this verse was pounding in my head.

2nd Corinthians 4:7 " But we have this treasure in Jars of Clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)

    God uses the broken, weak and humble things of this world to display His power. I am reminded more and more as this adoption progresses how truly weak I am. And I am learning more and more what a truly big and powerful God I serve.

    In the end, I am not sure if I will get to bring home the little baby boy I have grown to love. I am not sure if I will get to kiss his chocolate cheeks or see him in the baby boy clothes we have stored away. I am not sure if I will ever have another child fill our crib but I know my God is good and He can be trusted. So I am taking it day by day. Today is a good day. But tomorrow if you see me wallowing in the mud of doubt and tears, can you just give me a hug and offer a prayer for me? I am weak and I will have days like that!
 

Food for thought

I was just chewing on an article I read. The teenage son of a pastor (black) asks a white girl from his Christian school if she would attend his senior prom with him. She says yes but then a few days later comes back to him with tears and says her dad, "doesn't believe in that." This church going, assuming Bible believing dad doesn't believe in that.

So I am just wondering, assuming our adoption works out and we really bring home a beautiful dark skinned baby boy, will anyone be offended in 18 years if he wants to take your white daughter to prom? Or what if in 25 years he asks your daughter to marry him? Will anyone really think, "I don't believe in that kind of thing?"

I hope not, but I cannot help to think that may be something we will encounter.

And I am chewing on that today.

Leaning

I had so much fun at my retreat last weekend. I came home rested and rejuvenated! And while I loved loved loved almost everything about the retreat (except the 17 hours it took to get there), I must admit it was hard to be around all these mommas who were sharing pictures of babies with dark skin and big brown eyes when my heart is dreaming of my own little guy. Its hard to hear stories of gotcha days and big ways that God provided when my heart is longing to see the end of our story. It makes the ache in my heart a little stronger and the yearning just a little more unbearable. I will admit I have been unusually teary the last week. I seriously started tearing up in line at the Christian book store because they were asking for child sponsorship and had pictures of little dark skinned babies posted to tug at your heart strings. I almost lost it and then I had to remind myself, "you are in public get a hold of yourself."

This aching is real and this longing I have for our child is hard. And sometimes when I look at all the 'facts" I get pretty discouraged. If I lean on my own understanding of the way this works out it seems impossible and like this thing will never work out well. And I will be honest, I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been looking at all the wind and waves and I have been drowning a little. But just like Jesus caught Peter when he was drowning (Matthew 14:22-33), He is really faithful to catch me.

I was having one of those drowning days on Wednesday. I was crying and venting to Todd. I love that my husband is so wise because he listened to my craziness and then he said, "God's work is done best when it looks impossible for Him to do it."

So for now my eyes are back on my God and off the waves. The view is much better here.

My heart is encouraged by these truths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Since October

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!

In the thick of it.

I have not been a faithful blogger lately.

I have a lot of excuses.
I am really busy. With newly homeschooling our kiddos my time is extremely limited. I have to be much more intentional about what I do with each moment. It has taken some time to find a schedule that works for us. Like for instance, at first I admit I was wondering if I was ever going to find time to clean my shower again. (Not that I value cleaning my shower more than blogging. It is by far more fun to blog but there is something very soothing to my soul about taking a shower in a freshly cleansed area.) I have finally come to some sort of routine that seems to be working for us. And I even find there are a few moments where I have nothing planned that I could sit down and blog.

But then I think about what I will say. And this is where it gets tough. Do I say we are still on the waitlist? Do I say we still have 20 months until they say we could get a referral?

Do I just skip all the emotional turmoil swirling around in my head and tell you instead what the girls are being for Halloween? Not that I think its bad to blog about what your kids are dressing up as for Halloween. I will probably end up sharing that and sharing pictures because they are seriously so stinkin cute and they designed the costumes themselves.

But the truth is I long to share more but my heart aches and I am just not sure I can.

So here it is. This is me in the thick of it.

Some days and weeks go by and I barely think about it. (Well almost barely)

But there are other days and weeks when it hurts and it sucks and I just wish I knew when we were going to get to meet our son.

And in these moments I find myself leaning and flinging myself out on my God.

I read this the other day and it filled my heart with peace.


"When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say – What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God’s wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."- Oswald Chambers (My utmost for His Highest)

If I am a fool I hope it is in the sense that I trust my God and His timing impliciltly.

Waiting Game

August 31st, 2011. This is our official wait date. This means on that date we were added to the waiting list for our agency. We are being told that our soonest time we should expect a referral is June of 2013. Ugghhh. It seems so far away. But I know that our God has a perfect timing.

Here are some random thoughts of mine.

* God is faithful and could provide a referral sooner than that if he so chooses.

* God is faithful and if we wait two years or even more he will sustain and provide for us during our wait time.

* God has lead us every step of the way up to this point and I am not certain where this road leads but this is the path He has lead our family on. And He is faithful.

* I cannot wait to see my little guys face for the first time.

* I have plenty to do in the waiting time. Homeschooling, mothering, working, being a wife. I will be keeping busy. But my heart still has a little piece that is missing our baby boy.

*This week I have felt incredibly grateful that God has chosen our family to be entrusted with this task of adopting. This has been an incredibly hard journey and we have only just begun. But I have known God's provision, presence, and peace more throughout these past months than at any point in my life. And I can tell you with certainty that my God is faithful.

I am so filled with joy and gratitude to be able to say we are now officially paper pregnant!

Abide

Emotionally I am in a rough place right now. My head is screaming this cannot be the right way, but then God speaks and says, "This is my way." We are still not "officially" wait listed yet. And everything within me is screaming and ranting about it. On the outside I still have to function normally. I have to do laundry and make meals and clean the house.

And I have the privilege of being entrusted two little precious girls that lean on me for their every need. And while I treasure them and am so thankful for every moment with them, I know someone is missing. I am longing to hold my precious son. I am longing for that moment when I see his face for the first time. And today is one of those days when I am just not ok with waiting. And my heart is broken by it.

But today is a day that I have to wait never the less. And even in the midst of this I am thankful that I can abide in my God. I am encouraged as I remember that my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55). And that although this road is not leading where I planned or where I wanted, it was His plan all along.

And whether it will lead me where I want or not I am walking in obedience.

2nd Corinthians 5:7 (NIV)

"For we live by faith, not by sight."

Adoption update

I have been asked several times this week by random people if we were "done" having kids. People at the bank, people at work. Just random people. No, I reply. To some I share the story that we are adopting. But I admit my heart has a twinge of sadness when people ask. Not because I don't want to have more. Not because I don't want to share that we are adopting. But because my heart gets a little sad when I think that we are indeed missing a member of our family and I am not sure when he will be home with us.

Last Friday we were blessed to watch my dear friend's two week old baby for a few hours. Elizabeth and Claire were in love. And when the baby left Claire asked when we were getting her baby brother back. With all the adoption talk she thought that little guy was ours to keep. It was super sweet and she totally understood when I explained who he belonged to. But still my heart was sad. When our we getting our baby brother home? I can't help but wonder.

Our dossier is almost complete. We are waiting on approval from immigration and I have a few more items to gather. And then we send this set of paperwork out along with the agency fee of $1,700.00. And then we will be officially on the wait list. But that to me is bittersweet. Ethiopia is uncertain right now. Things are shaky and wait times are being lengthened. I am so ready to get our official wait time started. But we are still not clear how long it will be. We are uncertain of many things. But what I cling to is that God is not uncertain. He has us in this place at this time for a reason.

When I pray sometimes I just beg God to allow our baby to be home soon. Sometimes I get weepy thinking we may have to wait years to hold him in our arms. But yesterday after reading an email from our agency with more confirmation of longer wait times Todd reminded me that it does not matter what it looks like to our eye. We are walking by faith. We serve the God who created the world by his word in 6 days. The God who parted the red sea. The God who made barren old men fertile. The God who kept Jonah in the belly of a fish. The God who raised Lazarus from the dead. The God who healed the blind, sick and leper. The God who became a man and died on the cross and on the third day defeated death. We serve a God who calls things into existence simply by his word and calls dead things alive again. He takes men who are murderers and makes them saints. He makes things that are not into things that are. He is the God who lead us here. He is the God who is still leading. And we are following Him by faith that He is leading us.

When the Ethiopian government first announced that they were slowing down adoption approvals I was reading a book. In many ways that book was what kept me sane during that awful moment. The book is called "Hinds Feet on High Places". It is an allegory about a woman's (Much- Afraid) journey through life with God. During one part of the story the Shepard asks the young woman if she would follow Him even if it looked like he was deceiving her. She said she would. He then asked would she follow Him if He did deceive her. Much-Afraid looked at her Shepard and replied out of an honest but broken and confused heart that she believed He was incapable of deceiving her but that she would follow Him if He did. The book follows her journey and in many moments the way that the Shepard leads little Much-Afraid appeared to be wrong. At times it even appeared to go in the opposite direction of their ultimate journey. You have to read for yourself to see where they end up. But I choose to believe that God's purposes will prevail even if it looks like we are being lead away from the very thing we seek. Our God sees the bigger picture.

Psalm 48:14 "For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." (NIV)

A new sense of direction

I shared last week that Ethiopia's Ministry of Women's Affairs (MOWA) announced last week that they would be cutting adoption approvals by 90%. This news shocked us and left me very disheartened. I immediately found myself heartbroken. After spending sometime in prayer on the day of finding out I felt like the Lord was speaking to my heart that this would be used for good. The voice was not audible and honestly I felt no sense of what we were supposed to do.

So I searched and prayed and emailed and asked a gazillion questions. I literally emailed our agency like 3 times a day sometimes with new questions. I am sure that they probably are sick of me by now. Right away both Todd I and I thought of possibly changing countries. We did a ton of reading and asked our agency which countries would be possible. There were only two choices for us with our agency because I am not over 30. Ethiopia and another country which is not African. We both prayed about the other country and felt like that was not where God was leading. We then thought about leaving our agency and adopting independently. We would lose some money but if this was where God was leading we wanted to obey. Again, we emailed, researched and asked a gazillion questions. Nothing seemed to be working. There were dead ends everywhere.

I felt utterly dis-heartened. We knew very clearly God was calling us to adopt now. He wanted us to begin this process now not in 2 1/2 years when I am 30. So if he wanted us to do this now why was He not leading? I honestly felt like that. I spent one night last week sobbing and crying and praying asking God why He was not leading us. I felt like we were willing to do whatever He called. I felt like we had been obedient up to this point. But I also felt so uncertain about what He wanted. I shared this with Todd and my very wise husband told me maybe God was leading. Maybe all along He had been speaking and asking us to still choose Ethiopia. Even though it looks dead and even though it looks like there is no way. Maybe just maybe that was what He wanted us to do after all.

I went to bed and gave my heart to the Lord. I asked Him to show me if that was what He was asking. Did He want us to walk through this storm? I told Him I would if I knew He was in it. That was Wednesday evening. Thursday came and sometime throughout the day I logged on to read a blog by an adoptive momma from Ethiopia. She said she had been praying for the families who were adopting from Ethiopia and the Lord gave her the story of Lazarus. It is in the Bible in the book of John 11: 1-45. One verse stuck out to me while reading it. It was verse 4 "When he heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.'" It stuck out because the very first thing I heard from God before anything else was that this would result in good. In the story a man named Lazarus was sick. Lazarus and his two sisters had been very close with Jesus. So naturally when Lazarus was sick his sisters sent for him. And said to Him, "Lord the one you love is sick." Jesus heard that and responded with verse 4. This will end in good. But what happened after that was hard. Jesus did not come to Lazarus right away. In fact Lazarus died and was dead four days before Jesus showed up. And when He did come Mary and Martha had already given up hope that their brother could be given life. But Jesus did give Him life. He called Lazarus out of his tomb and gave Him real actual life. He was living and breathing and walking around again. And many people followed Jesus as a result.

So fast forward to Friday morning. I woke up very early and sat with my Bible reading this passage. I read and prayed for God to speak to me. Again I did not hear an audible voice but I knew never-the-less that God was calling us to Ethiopia. To continue on the path we had been on. I cannot say what will happen tomorrow. I only know what we have been called to today. And today I am walking in obedience.

After I finished my devotional time on Friday morning I went to the computer and checked my email. I recieved an email from a friend that she had gotten from an agency. Here is a little snippet of that email.

"From the sources above and others, we are feeling confident that this MoWA limit most likely will not stand. The Adoption Network in Ethiopia (composed of agency representatives) is meeting this coming week and we hope to have more information after that."

It was a sweet encouragement to my soul. But it was sweeter because it was only confirmation of what God was already speaking to me. This will end in good! Our God is a God who calls dead things to life!

He Has Overcome

I cannot fully explain with words the depth of hurt that has occurred in my heart this week. Almost at once all my best laid plans were stopped and we were forced to reconsider everything.

In the light of all that has happened God has really been so faithful to walk beside me. He has sent encouragements in the forms of notes and phone calls from friends and family saying, "I love you and we are praying."

He has given me scripture to specifically answer every fear and longing of my heart. I won't share it all but here is what I read today as I did my devotional time.

Psalm 52: 8-9
"But I am like and olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name, I will hope, FOR YOUR NAME IS GOOD. I will praise you in the presence of your saints."

On more than one occasion God has brought to my mind the number of people who are praying for us and for our little boy. This has held me up. If you are praying, Thank-you, from the bottom of our soul.

And I have been reminded that every tear I cry is precious to my God. He holds every single one.

We have no plans yet for what the future holds and no new direction to share. But I wanted to share that we know that our God is good!

Sweetly Broken Wholly Surrendered

Yesterday we received news that the government of Ethiopia has planned to cut the inter-country adoptions by 90%. They currently have been processing 50 adoptions per day. With the new plan in place they will now only process 5. 5 families per day. 5 children. And if our wait would have been 1 year we can now give a good estimate that it will be 3-4 years. I am not going to explain the ins and outs. I think the government has good reasons to reconsider their adoption process. Although I do not necessarily think this is the best solution. But being someone who is immediately affected by it makes it just seem crushing.

So what does this mean for us? We are not sure at this point. We have not heard directly from our agency and have no idea if they are even accepting applications for Ethiopia still. I emailed our agency the moment we heard the news. That was Saturday morning. We will most likely not hear anything until Monday or Tuesday.

In the moment I have gone through a variety of emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety. Those are just a few. When I heard the news Todd was working and I called him to share. Honestly he could not even understand what I was saying because I was sobbing. When he finally understood what I was trying to convey he immediately said, "Let's pray." He prayed and then told me that God had this under control. He is right. And Todd has had an amazing faith that has helped to hold me up.

Here is what I am resting in this moment.

When we began this journey it was never about Ethiopia. We felt called to adopt. We felt called to a child, specifically a boy. We had a heart and a love for Africa. We researched and prayed and researched and talked to people. And after much deliberation we decided to go with Ethiopia. All along we were wholly surrendered to God and asking for His input. With that being said, we never heard an audible or even a direct "Go to Ethiopia." We simply prayed for wisdom and made a decision. Not saying it was made lightly. It most certainly was not. It was an agonizing and big decision. And after sometime and even some trying to go in other directions Ethiopia was the only avenue that was working. And we made the decision to pursue it. I do not think we "misheard" God or that we even took control of the reigns. We made the best decision we knew and followed God the best we knew how in the moment.

Now here we are. Through no control of our own our home study paperwork took much longer than anticipated and we just received it a couple of weeks ago. And then we had a huge bout of flu and now here we are. So we have not done any real work on the adoption in a couple weeks. The next step is to file paperwork with immigration. This is the first official moment when you need to know the country for sure. We have not filed that paperwork yet. If that paperwork was filed it would be much harder to switch countries. We could still do it. But it would cost more money.

All of this being said we are not certain what will happen. Ultimately we are surrendered to God. We want His leading. And in this moment we are praying about the decisions we are facing. We may be called to stay with Ethiopia and wait the 4 years but there are children who need homes now. And maybe we are being called to another country.

I have learned that when you cling tightly to something it turns to ash in your fist. So our hands are open. Our hearts are broken. And we are wholly surrendered. My broken heart is in the palms of my loving God and our life is in His hands.

Plans of the heart

We received word on Friday, of last week, from our agency. It turns out that when I read the original email I misunderstood it just a bit. The agency was not really saying they may not work with us. More or less they were afraid the Ethiopian government may turn us down. (That does not really sound much better, does it?) Well, either way. We received word that with a few changes in our home study wording we have a better chance of being approved. So our wonderful social worker is again changing our home study. For like the 20th time. She is a trooper though!

But I am reminded of how faithful God is to orchestrate every detail. We had reason to believe we would probably hear from our agency on Friday. And since the moment I woke up on Friday morning I was checking my email about every five minutes. And at 8:00 am ish my sister in law called and asked if I could watch my one year old nephew for the day. I agreed and shortly after my best friend called and said she had to go the the ER and asked if I could watch her four year old daughter. So on Friday I had four kids under the age of four and no time to check my email. But I really do believe it was God's sovereignty. I needed busy hands and a busy heart so I could not stress and worry about the outcome. And we did receive the email on Friday and it was good news. We now have no reason to believe that the Ethiopian government would turn us down.

So through all of this God is constantly reminding me that this is in His hands. And as crazy as it seems I still doubt that on some moments. I caught myself the other day in a furry of thoughts that lead to me thinking that we were gonna end up with some kid that God never intended us to have. I quickly took that thought captive and gave my fears to the Lord. And today the Lord so faithfully spoke to me in His word and reminded me that He does indeed have this all under control.

Proverbs 16:1
" To man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue."

Proverbs 16:33
" The lot is cast into the lap but its every decision is from the Lord."

Created for Care Retreat and adoption update

Friday through Sunday I spent time at the Created for Care Retreat. It was the most amazing weekend. The Lord spoke to me so clearly and met every need that my heart had been longing for. I heard from Him, I spent time worshiping and sharing my heart with other women, I was prayed for and prophesied over. My heart was so filled. I saw the Lord.

I would love to share with you some of the things God spoke to me about this weekend. The first night, my new hero, Susan Hillis, spoke. She talked about Hagar and how we have the choice to be known as women who wail or a woman of the well. Women who wail see their problems as huge and they see God's provision as very tiny. Women of the well know God is their provision and they choose to see Him even when their problems would love to be bigger. Another way the Lord clearly spoke to me was on the last day, Susan Hillis spoke again about the miracle Jesus did when he fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves and two fish. God spoke so clearly that I need to offer Him my little. The little time I spend praying for my kids, the little patience I have with them, the little resources we have for our adoption. I need to offer my 20% to Him and obey and allow Him to multiply it. I walked away with such confidence that despite what little it seemed I had God will provide.

And as satan would love to directly contradict everything the Lord spoke to me this weekend, I came home and Monday received an email that basically said our agency may not approve us any further for the adoption because of our finances. Even though we successfully raised the $5,000.00 needed for the beginning of the adoption process and even though we assured them that we were applying for grants and doing fundraisers they may choose to not approve us because of our monthly income and our lack of savings. This has nothing to do with whether or not they think we can adequately support another child. It seemed from the phrasing that it was all about whether or not they thought we could pay for the adoption. I am so thankful that I had just so fully heard from the Lord.

I immediately took that email and turned around and emailed a few people to tell them what is going on and to ask for prayer. I immediately knew this was not from the Lord. It is by His hand and His hand alone that this adoption will happen. I trust His hand. My life is not in the hands of an agency or a government.

At this point we have emailed the agency and asked, "What amount of money do we need in the bank to be approved?" Here is why I am telling you now. We still have not heard back from the agency. But my confidence is in the Lord. If the agency says "$15,000.00" I am confident that God will bring us that, if it is His will. If the agency says "no amount find another agency" I am confident that God will lead us to where He wants.

He is our hope. I am reminded of the verse God gave me to be encouraged while Todd and I were waiting to be together.

Psalm 33:20-22

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

Jars of Clay

So I know that everyone will be so excited to hear about the week we have had in this house. Lets start at the beginning.

Saturday: The morning began with a shopping trip ALONE to the grocery store. It was a much needed break and I enjoyed every second. Little did I know it was the calm before the storm.

In the afternoon, Elizabeth and I baked cookies and we had a relaxing family evening at home.

Saturday night the whole house fell apart and the plague hit us.

Sunday: Kids and I stayed home while daddy went to B's (our nephew) baptism. And Sunday night both kids were up coughing half the night.

Monday: Kids and I home while daddy was out making money. (Lucky him)

We receive an email from our agency wondering how we planned on paying for the adoption since our monthly budget obviously does not allow room for an extra $20,000.00. Through tears I replied something about fundraisers and grants. And then quickly emailed a friend and asked her to pray.

Monday night was the worst of the coughing. With me sitting on the couch with Claire from about 11-3AM. I ended up holding her in my lap and dozing off for a bit. She was coughing so bad she threw up and was gagging. I held her upright so she could catch her breath. I dozed on and off while she slept and woke up at about 3 AM with my butt and back in agony. I decided coughing or not she was going in her bed. And about 4 AM Elizabeth got up. Thankfully I was WAY too tired to even hear her and Todd got up with her. (I have an awesome husband)

Tuesday: After the awful night before I decided it was time to go the doctor. Both kids had bronchitis and Claire had a double ear infection. (I think the doctor used the term "raging infection") Steroids and anitbiotic for both. Yipeee!

Wednesday: Steroids are in full effect at our house! Coughing has reduced and craziness has ensued. I caught Claire climbing up my ladder shelf in the living room. I am pretty sure that the "roids" are affecting their brains. They are certainly affecting mine.

Thursday: Thankfully we gave the last dose of steroid!!! That deserves a double yippee. I was able to leave the house for a bit and have dinner and a shopping trip with my mom. And my great husband put both kiddos to bed even though I was home. This caused great stress and chaos for Elizabeth who cried for 5 minutes straight because daddy was putting them both to bed. (Not really sure why. We take turns putting both girls to bed each night so they both get lots of times with daddy putting them to bed. Maybe its the "roids.")

Lots of things have been crazy this week. The kids and I were pretty much stuck in the house for 5 days straight. I have not worn a stitch of makeup since last Friday. (Seriously not even coverup) And it was not like some noble I want to try going au natural thing. I was just so tired and really had no place to go. I did not even put on makeup to go out with my mom tonight. I was just too tired and chose to cuddle on the couch with Claire bug until it was time to leave instead of getting prettied up.

One thing I know though. satan (not capitalized on purpose) is tricky. And when we received that email in the chaos of this week I started to doubt. I started to think that maybe we can't pay for this. Maybe we can't handle three kids. Maybe we should not be adopting. I honestly did. My heart was in a real rough place. I cried a lot of tears and I prayed. And I read the book of Proverbs for about 5 minutes and then I took a nap. And when I woke up this verse was in my head.

1st Corinthians 4:7-9

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

That is the truth. We are not anything great. We have no special thing to offer a baby. We are not saints because we are adopting. I heard it put this way and I love this "I am equally a blessing and a curse to all my kids." Our little man will endure a mom who is, at times, exhausted and at her end. He will get me at my best and at my worst. But we have one thing we can offer him. One thing we can bring to our little man. We can show him the Lord. We can introduce him to the one who can heal all his wounds and can wipe away every tear. We can show him one who is ever patient and ever loving. One who is slow to anger. The one is who is completely and wholly different from everyone he will ever meet, including his momma.

satan would love to distract us from that purpose. He would love to stop or even stall us from showing the Lord to that little one. But we are obeying. We are moving forward to do what God has called us to do.

And in the end it will be worth it. I will leave you with telling the sweetest story of my week. This one made the whole week worth it.

Wednesday evening after bible story I was tucking Claire into bed. Our ritual is that I always hold her and sing to her and pray for her and Lizzie. If I forget anything she reminds me, "Sing baby mine and pray for me and pray for Lizzie." I sung to her and was praying for her. And within my prayer I said something about God living in her heart.

Claire: "My heart too."

Me: "You want God to live in your heart?"

Claire: "Yes"

So in the best way I knew how I explained to my 21/2 year old that we all have sin. Jesus came to the earth to die for our sins and if she believes him he can forgive her and live in her heart. I asked if she wanted to ask him to live in her heart. And she did. My sweet girl prayed, with pacifier still in her mouth, that Jesus would forgive her and live in her heart. And thank you for your shed blood. It was the sweetest moment and it was so holy. So simple and so filled with faith. She simply believes. I pray that as she grows God's word would grow in her heart and the cares of this world would not push it out.

So as we go through this process now. Whether hard pressed or perplexed I cling to God. This is all about Him. He has done bigger things than provide $20,000.00 for an adoption. He parted the sea. He healed the sick. He made the blind see. He came to the earth as a baby and took on my sins. He died on the cross on the third day was raised from the dead. He chooses to use jars of clay, so that when the power is displayed people will see that it was from Him.

It is not from us.

The Gate

I received a message the other day from a friend. She sent the picture above with a little note that said, "Soon you will be driving through these gates in an old van packed full of luggage, to meet your son." This gate is the entrance to the orphanage where our son will be. The message brought me to tears. In this place that looks so cold and lifeless our baby will be waiting. And our God will redeem! That iron gate that looks like a prison will be a gate of hope. Hope for us as a reminder that we have a goal and one day, Lord willing, we will get through that gate and reach our baby boy.

But also hope for him. You see I love the story in the Bible of Joseph. You can read about it in Genesis chapters 37-45. Joseph's brothers were extremely jealous of him. They hated him. And one day they threw Joseph in a well and sold him to some slave traders. They came back to their father and told him that his son had been eaten by a lion. A lot of really awful things happen to Joseph after being sold to Egyptian slave traders. But through it all Joseph served God and remained faithful to Him. He was even falsely accused of rape and thrown into prison. God allowed Joseph to interpret dreams and many years after he had been sold into slavery God allowed Joseph to interpret a dream that the Pharaoh had. The dream meant that the land of Egypt would have 7 years of plenty to be followed with 7 horrible years of famine. The Pharaoh was so impressed with Joseph that he put him in charge of storing up food and ultimately giving out rations during the famine. It was during the famine that Joseph meets his brothers for the first time in almost 20 years. They came to get food from the stores. When they realized they were dealing with their brother that they had treated so harshly they were terrified. Joseph responded to them in this way in Genesis 45:5-7

"And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance."

What Joseph's brothers intended for harm God used for good.

And what Satan intends for evil in the life of our son God can redeem and use for good!

Why Ethiopia?

Many people have asked us why did we choose to adopt from Ethiopia. I never fully answer because if I am honest I never really knew why myself. But today I was writing down some of our journey. I want to remember some things so I can tell them to our boy later but also I want to remember God's faithfulness. And it struck me that we were absolutely lead here. We were lead to Ethiopia in this moment. We were lead to this agency. And we are being lead to our son.

You see I know this because in May of 2010 Todd and I asked a group of family and close friends to pray 3 specific things for us. One of those was that God would lead us to the child he has for our family. We knew he was calling us to adopt but we were not sure if that meant domestic, or international. We prayed and I researched. I researched and called and emailed so many different people. And amazingly hardly anyone responded to me. And the one person I did talk to from one agency seemed very disorganized and I had an awful feeling about it. I would come each night with a different idea to Todd. And one day he said, "you are so swayed every day as to what you want to do." He was right. I was striving and planning and nothing was working right.

One day I had a conversation with a friend about her adoption. She told me about her agency, Wide Horizons and Ethiopia, the country they adopted their little boy from. I came home and shared our conversation with Todd and we began to pray about what was the best decision. After looking into the agency she used we both felt really comfortable and excited about going in this direction.

But the problem was with this agency and this country we needed about $5,000.00 to even begin the process. So we began to pray. We asked God if this was his plan and direction and if it was would he provide the $5,000.00 we needed to begin the process. After a few weeks of praying a friend offered to help us do a garage sale fundraiser. Let me stop here and share that we had not talked with this friend about our adoption since we had given her the request to pray for us in May. But for some reason 5 months later out of the blue she offers to help us do a fundraiser. We did the garage sale. And that garage sale raised $5,200.00.

I was trying to plan and research my way into God's plan. And all the while he had it under control. He was leading us.

So why Ethiopia? Because that is where our son is.

Remember

We listen to kiddie songs a lot. My kids love the fun rockin music and I have to admit I kind of like it too. We have Phil Joels solo kids project. It is really awesome. It is filled with a ton of scripture and the music is super fun. One of the songs is titled "Don't forget to remember". Tonight I want to remember.

We put up our Christmas tree this evening. It was filled with so much joy and laughter and memories. Each ornament has a special meaning and holds memories. Its fun to share with the kids.

We finished the tree trimming and were doing other decorating. And it was getting late and the kids were having a snack. I remembered that we had chosen to set aside a set of ornaments that were gifted to us for the yard sale. They were three collectible Thomas Kincaide ornaments. They each have a Bible verse on them. I remembered the ornaments and quickly set about finding them. They were not with our other Christmas decor. I quickly found them and because the kids were eating their snack I had a moment alone to put them up. I put each on the tree and read the verses.

My heart was filled with joy as I remembered. We prayed to God for what we needed for the adoption and He answered. He gave us exactly what we needed in that moment. Those ornaments were like my memorial. It was my reminder. My God is big. I thanked Him. I praised Him and I remembered who He is.

It is really easy to kind of get discouraged right now. We are so busy and bogged down in the details of the adoption. There is so much paperwork and so much preparation. And I cannot imagine actually holding my little baby. It feels so far away. We are being told it could take up to two years. Honestly my heart aches when I think that. I do not want to wait for two years to hold him.

But then God gives me a reminder. My ornaments that are so clearly a picture of how God miraculously provided exactly what we need. He is still orchestrating the details. And I can trust Him.

Adoption Update

So many people have been asking us about how the adoption is going. I have been telling some and giving the short version to most, but here is where we are.

We have started our home study and I am hoping it will be complete sometime in December. Now because it is Christmas time realistically thinking it will probably be somewhere in January. I was super nervous about beginning the home study process. I dissected myself and questioned and worried. We finally met our social worker and right away I felt peace. She is the sweetest lady and helped put our fears at ease. She seemed so genuine and so willing to work with our family towards what God wants.

We have begun the process of filling out paperwork with our agency. The agency that will be placing the baby is separate from our home study agency. There is an overwhelming amount of things we need to fill out and paperwork we need to gather. There is nothing private when you are applying to adopt. Everything in your life is open to questioning. It can feel a bit overwhelming and I have to trust that God will help us get everything done in the right timing.

There are so many things that I am learning during this process. I will eventually share many of them. Some I may keep private. But one thing I am learning more and more is that I need to do what God says.

Phillipians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

More and more I have questions and more I more I have doubts and fears. This is all a new process to us. And as with any new thing in life we can be afraid at times. But I know what I know. I know God lead us here. And I know he will provide. And of that I am certain.

Restless

My soul is restless. Now that we have the money to begin the adoption I just want to have him home. I have bittersweet feelings. My best friend is pregnant and while talking the other day she and Heather figure out that our baby and hers will probably be pretty close in age. This made me smile and made me sad. I smile because it will be fun to share a child of the same age with her again. My three year old is only a few months younger than her child. And it will be neat to watch them play together. But I was also sad. Sad because I thought about the ramifications. My best friend is enjoying her pregnancy and growing this baby. Somewhere in a country far away a woman is pregnant. She is carrying a child. She is probably filled with joy and anxiousness and all the other feelings a pregnant momma has. But she will not get to be his momma. She will not get to see him take his first steps or say his first word. She will not teach him to read or write or hold him close when he wakes with a bad dream. And although I will never meet her or speak with her our hearts are knit together. She and I will share a love for a little baby boy. A love that only her and I will ever understand. And somehow I wish it did not have to be this way. But I will be so grateful and so happy to be his mommy. And I will never forget the feelings that I have when thinking about her loss and the loss that our little boy will suffer. It is heartbreaking. So my soul continues to be restless. Restless and hurting and longing for the day when I can finally see his face and hold him in my arms. My only comfort comes in knowing that long ago God prepared us to be his family. He prepared us to be there when she could not. And I find my only peace in knowing this is what he has planned for our family.