Jars of Clay

So I know that everyone will be so excited to hear about the week we have had in this house. Lets start at the beginning.

Saturday: The morning began with a shopping trip ALONE to the grocery store. It was a much needed break and I enjoyed every second. Little did I know it was the calm before the storm.

In the afternoon, Elizabeth and I baked cookies and we had a relaxing family evening at home.

Saturday night the whole house fell apart and the plague hit us.

Sunday: Kids and I stayed home while daddy went to B's (our nephew) baptism. And Sunday night both kids were up coughing half the night.

Monday: Kids and I home while daddy was out making money. (Lucky him)

We receive an email from our agency wondering how we planned on paying for the adoption since our monthly budget obviously does not allow room for an extra $20,000.00. Through tears I replied something about fundraisers and grants. And then quickly emailed a friend and asked her to pray.

Monday night was the worst of the coughing. With me sitting on the couch with Claire from about 11-3AM. I ended up holding her in my lap and dozing off for a bit. She was coughing so bad she threw up and was gagging. I held her upright so she could catch her breath. I dozed on and off while she slept and woke up at about 3 AM with my butt and back in agony. I decided coughing or not she was going in her bed. And about 4 AM Elizabeth got up. Thankfully I was WAY too tired to even hear her and Todd got up with her. (I have an awesome husband)

Tuesday: After the awful night before I decided it was time to go the doctor. Both kids had bronchitis and Claire had a double ear infection. (I think the doctor used the term "raging infection") Steroids and anitbiotic for both. Yipeee!

Wednesday: Steroids are in full effect at our house! Coughing has reduced and craziness has ensued. I caught Claire climbing up my ladder shelf in the living room. I am pretty sure that the "roids" are affecting their brains. They are certainly affecting mine.

Thursday: Thankfully we gave the last dose of steroid!!! That deserves a double yippee. I was able to leave the house for a bit and have dinner and a shopping trip with my mom. And my great husband put both kiddos to bed even though I was home. This caused great stress and chaos for Elizabeth who cried for 5 minutes straight because daddy was putting them both to bed. (Not really sure why. We take turns putting both girls to bed each night so they both get lots of times with daddy putting them to bed. Maybe its the "roids.")

Lots of things have been crazy this week. The kids and I were pretty much stuck in the house for 5 days straight. I have not worn a stitch of makeup since last Friday. (Seriously not even coverup) And it was not like some noble I want to try going au natural thing. I was just so tired and really had no place to go. I did not even put on makeup to go out with my mom tonight. I was just too tired and chose to cuddle on the couch with Claire bug until it was time to leave instead of getting prettied up.

One thing I know though. satan (not capitalized on purpose) is tricky. And when we received that email in the chaos of this week I started to doubt. I started to think that maybe we can't pay for this. Maybe we can't handle three kids. Maybe we should not be adopting. I honestly did. My heart was in a real rough place. I cried a lot of tears and I prayed. And I read the book of Proverbs for about 5 minutes and then I took a nap. And when I woke up this verse was in my head.

1st Corinthians 4:7-9

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

That is the truth. We are not anything great. We have no special thing to offer a baby. We are not saints because we are adopting. I heard it put this way and I love this "I am equally a blessing and a curse to all my kids." Our little man will endure a mom who is, at times, exhausted and at her end. He will get me at my best and at my worst. But we have one thing we can offer him. One thing we can bring to our little man. We can show him the Lord. We can introduce him to the one who can heal all his wounds and can wipe away every tear. We can show him one who is ever patient and ever loving. One who is slow to anger. The one is who is completely and wholly different from everyone he will ever meet, including his momma.

satan would love to distract us from that purpose. He would love to stop or even stall us from showing the Lord to that little one. But we are obeying. We are moving forward to do what God has called us to do.

And in the end it will be worth it. I will leave you with telling the sweetest story of my week. This one made the whole week worth it.

Wednesday evening after bible story I was tucking Claire into bed. Our ritual is that I always hold her and sing to her and pray for her and Lizzie. If I forget anything she reminds me, "Sing baby mine and pray for me and pray for Lizzie." I sung to her and was praying for her. And within my prayer I said something about God living in her heart.

Claire: "My heart too."

Me: "You want God to live in your heart?"

Claire: "Yes"

So in the best way I knew how I explained to my 21/2 year old that we all have sin. Jesus came to the earth to die for our sins and if she believes him he can forgive her and live in her heart. I asked if she wanted to ask him to live in her heart. And she did. My sweet girl prayed, with pacifier still in her mouth, that Jesus would forgive her and live in her heart. And thank you for your shed blood. It was the sweetest moment and it was so holy. So simple and so filled with faith. She simply believes. I pray that as she grows God's word would grow in her heart and the cares of this world would not push it out.

So as we go through this process now. Whether hard pressed or perplexed I cling to God. This is all about Him. He has done bigger things than provide $20,000.00 for an adoption. He parted the sea. He healed the sick. He made the blind see. He came to the earth as a baby and took on my sins. He died on the cross on the third day was raised from the dead. He chooses to use jars of clay, so that when the power is displayed people will see that it was from Him.

It is not from us.

The heart of the matter

Yesterday at church one of our staff members gave a great message. Within the message was the point about how when we parent our kids we have so many expectations about the outside. We expect them to sit properly, wear proper clothes, say please and thank-you and obey. These are all fine expectations, but sometimes we miss the heart. A child may begrudgingly say please to get the thing they want, but totally have a heart that is not thankful. The point, I think in saying please is to teach them that they cannot demand everything they want. We can change the outside behavior sometimes, but miss the heart completely.

I have thought of this before. I have felt like so many times I parent with the idea that other people are watching. Other people are looking at my kids and see how they are behaving. And I feel like their behavior is a reflection of me. I am not saying it isn't. I truly believe most of the time when young children are unruly it has something to do with how they are being parented. If you have ever watched an episode of Super Nanny you will see that most of the time it is the parents who need to learn how to deal with their kids and the kids usually learn pretty quickly what behavior is acceptable when they are taught correctly. My kids behave well when I am consistently teaching them good behavior. But sometimes they do not do what they are taught. They are, after all, human and they slip up. And those moments it is easy to feel the pressure to make them straighten up.

We have a very dear friend who lost her husband last week. In the wake of the tragedy we were trying to figure out how we can help. My best friend, who happens to be the widows sister, has a daughter the same age as Elizabeth. I talked with her and knew that she needed some clothes for her little girl to wear to the funeral. Elizabeth has a really cute black and white dress that I knew Bella would love and would be appropriate. Elizabeth adores the dress and I knew that it would make Bella smile to be able to wear it. I asked Elizabeth if she would allow Bella to borrow her dress. At first she said no. She did not want to loan it out. I tried to reason with her and tried to coax her into letting Bella wear it. I told her it would make Bella smile because Bella was very sad. She was determined. My mind was racing because I had already told my friend she could borrow it. But I felt a clear sense that I needed to allow Elizabeth to work this out in her heart and make the decision to give on her own. I could force her to give, but I knew that we do not get any value when we are forced to give something. But the times when I have willingly given to someone from my heart it blesses me more than them. So, I reasoned that even if I could not loan her the dress, I would allow Elizabeth to decide. Even if that meant I had to buy Bella another dress to wear, I was leaving it up to Elizabeth to give it.

Her decision was no. I thought about this and decided that because her heart was being selfish the dress should remain in my closet for an undisclosed amount of time. I wanted her to be free to give, but also I wanted her to understand that with selfishness come consequences. I came to her and explained that because she was not willing to give to her friend, who was in need, the dress would remain in my closet and she was not allowed to wear it. I left Elizabeth alone and a few moments later she came to me and asked if she could let Bella wear the dress. And she wanted to throw in her favorite purple and brown tights to go with it. I explained that she may give the dress still if she wanted, but we would keep the tights, as nice as a that was.

We took the dress to my friend shortly after that and Elizabeth wanted to hold it and give it to her friend. She gave her the dress and it made her smile.

I am not sure that everything I did in this situation was perfect. That is the interesting thing about parenting. We kind of learn as we go. I pray a lot for wisdom. I read a lot. I ask questions. But a lot of times I miss it. I miss what is going on in my little girls hearts. Even if they are saying please and thank-you and doing all the right things it is all for nothing if the heart is not engaged.

You see the Bible gives us a great example of a man who had it all right on the outside, but his heart was all wrong. In Luke 15:11-31 we are told the parable of the prodigal son. We have all heard the story. A son leaves his father and squanders his inheritance on wild living and then comes crawling home expecting to be a slave, only to be welcomed with open arms. His father throws a grand party in his honor. But not everyone was happy. You see he had an older brother. An older brother who did everything right. He was obedient and seemingly did all the father asked for, but his heart was missing. Because in the one moment when he should have been celebrating with his father, he was rude and hurtful and just as disrespectful as his younger brother. He was just as wrong as the prodigal son. Only he looked a lot like a "good" son should.

I fear that I will be content with children who look good on the outside. God, our father, cares far more about the condition of our hearts than if out lives are spotless. I want to care more about the condition of my kids hearts too.

And I think that will look messy. Interestingly enough, the speaker at church said, "You may see my boys walking around here sometimes saying words that do not belong in church. And that's OK with me. I care far more when they call each other stupid or jerk than even when they use a curse word. Because I care about their hearts." My kids are far from perfect. I am far from perfect. God is still working on my heart and I pray my kids allow Him to work on theirs. In the mean time when you see us we will probably be a little messy.

Polar Bears and Cleaning

I am not quite sure when it began. Whenever I clean the kitchen floor I take all of the table chairs and line them up in such a way to block the kids in the living room. It gets the chairs out of the way and creates a barricade to keep them from running in my dirt piles. But now for some reason whenever I create the barricade Elizabeth pretends they are in a polar bear cave. The polar bears are sometimes friendly, sometimes sleeping, sometimes very mean. We have sung them lullabies and the kids have made them dinner all in attempts to keep them from attacking.

Today I made the polar bear cave and cleaned the floor. Today the polar bear games continued long after the barricade was returned to the table. While I was putting away a basket of laundry upstairs I heard scurrying little feet. And when I came down to see what was going on I was informed that one of the polar bears attacked Claire and hurt her very badly. Claire was being nursed back to health by Elizabeth. Elizabeth held a play kitchen pot-holder around Claire's arm for about 15 minutes. I was extremely surprised that Claire sat still for that long and that Elizabeth was willing to sit and hold it on her for that amount of time.

Fast forward to lunch time. Elizabeth was doing way more playing than eating and way more talking than she should have. Elizabeth then informed me that the polar bears were coming to the table and we needed to stop eating. I told her that I had put special polar bear repellent in her mac and cheese and veggies and if she ate them the polar bears would not be able to get her.
This was very intriguing to her. She asked all sorts of question.

Where did you get this stuff?

My pocket.

Can I see it?

No it is invisible.

Is it in there?

Yes.

Is it in there for real?

Well, no not for real. But the polar bears are only pretend, so we can pretend we have repellent.

Mom saves the day again.

Michaels Part Two and Saying No

I went back to Michaels today to purchase cake pan number two and use 40% off coupon number two. I found said pan and went to check out lane. After waiting for a moment Elizabeth announced she had to pee and when I told her she needed to wait she proclaimed, "It's coming out." So we quickly ran to the back of the store to the restroom. Used restroom and came back to the line which of course had grown. We waited in line and while waiting my eye was drawn to a super cute gift card holder. I thought to myself, "I think I will get that." Immediately I used my brain and told myself, "No way. They will not win." You see I understand that the whole reason they wanted me to come back to the store twice was because I might buy more if I am in the store one more time. So I resisted the urge to buy the super cute gift card holder and reasoned that sticking a gift card in a card is much more practical. We made our purchase and I actually saved only $8.00. $8.00 is still a savings.
Then we promptly left and went to Mcdonalds where I spent $7.00 for lunch. Anyone see the humor in that? Ohh well.
I went to Mcdonalds because I read an article yesterday that said when at all possible say yes to your kids. Now, the article was not trying to turn our children into some self centered brats. It is important that we do not give our child every single thing they ask for. They cannot think they are the center of the universe. Or they will behave like that. It was simply pointing out that we as moms have to say no a lot. We have to say no for a lot of good and practical reasons. Like when my child asks if they can jump off the back of the couch. I say no because I do not want her to break her head. I say no when she wants to stay up past bedtime because she needs rest and so do I. I say no when she wants to take some toy from her sister. I say no a lot and my kids are better off for it. But, sometimes we say no without any real reason. We simply say no because we are programed in our brains to say no. Like when Elizabeth asks for the 500th time if she can paint. I say no because I don't want to clean it up. Or when they ask if they can color. I say no because I am busy and do not want to stop and find crayons and paper. I say no and do not even know why sometimes. So today I said yes. We were leaving Michaels and Elizabeth asked if we could go to the play area at Mcdonalds. I thought about it for a moment and almost said no. No because we have perfectly good food at home. No because it costs money and is not the healthiest meal. But then I did not say anything at all. Instead I drove in the direction of Mcdonalds and when we were getting close to the driveway Elizabeth said, "Mom, can we go?" I said, "I don't know hunny." And as I pulled in the parking lot there were shrieks of excitement. We went in and they played and then we ate lunch. It was fun and I am glad I said yes. Yes to Mcdonalds and no to the gift card holder. Michaels did not win today.

Alexa

Yesterday we went to the park and the saddest thing happened. My little girl experienced her first time being called a name by a peer. I did not see it happen, but was told later that a little girl, not more than 4 years old, walked by Elizabeth and said, "Loser."

Initially, the mom in me wants to take that little girl by the arm and take her straight to time out. (Or more honestly smack her mouth.) How dare she call my sweet, wonderful, beautiful, gifted and loving child a loser? Who are her parents? Why are they not teaching her that calling names is an awful thing? (If I am honest I know that her parents very well could be good, loving people who just let her watch or see something she should not have and she learned it from that.)

But then the verse came to my mind where we are told how to deal with those who mistreat us and wound us. (Matthew 5:43-48) So last night before we went to bed Elizabeth and I prayed for the little girl who called her the name at the park. Elizabeth named her Alexa and we prayed for Alexa last night. We prayed that she would know God's love and experience him and that she could learn to be loving to other people.

I wish I always responded that way to my enemies. I wish I could say I felt no anger or malice towards Alexa. But I did. I really am thankful I did not hear her say that to my child. I very well could have smacked her and her mother in that moment. But I am thankful that I had the opportunity to teach Elizabeth how to respond and I hope that as a result she is drawn more close to the Lord.

I know the reality is that Elizabeth will have people who call her names. She will have enemies in her life. She will have people who are mean and mistreat her. I hope that she will follow Jesus even through those moments. One thing that I have learned over the past 13 years of following Christ is, when I do things the way the Bible says to do them, life just works a little more smoothly. It is not perfect or always great, but it does tend to work better when I am following the one who created life. I pray that my daughter and Alexa can follow the giver of life.

Conversation

The following is a slightly exaggerated version of real conversation that takes place in our home almost every morning.

Elizabeth: I want to wear a pretty dress.

Me: We will see. I have not picked out clothes yet. Let's have breakfast first.

Elizabeth: I want oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

Me: Ok.

Elizabeth: I need some milk.

Me: Working on it.

Elizabeth: I need my vitamin.

Me: Still working on milk.

Elizabeth: Claire needs a vitamin too.

Me: Hunny. I am doing my best.

Elizabeth: Can we say our verse?

Me: After breakfast.

Elizabeth: Mom, Claire is standing up.

ELizabeth: I have to go potty. I need you to help me.

Me: Ok.

Me: Now finish breakfast.

Elizabeth: Mom, why don't you sit next to me and eat breakfast?

Elizabeth: Mom, Claire is done.

Me: Are you kidding?

My Sweetheart

So yesterday morning as Todd was walking out to go to work I asked if he would bring Claire into our room. She was awake and I did not hear Elizabeth yet, so I was hoping for a couple more minutes in bed. She quickly grew tired of laying with me, so I asked her if she wanted to go wake up her sister. This is an exciting thing for her. On the rare occasions that she is awake before her sister she loves going in to get her up. She can even open the door on her own. (This does not work out so well on mornings when I am trying to keep her in bed longer, but anyway.) She excitedly went in and I heard their conversation.

Elizabeth: Hi, good morning sweetheart. Let's go wake up mommy. (Not sure how she thought Claire got out of her crib with me still in bed.)

As they came in the room I hid under the covers and pretended to be asleep. When they came in Elizabeth said, "Hi mom, my little sweetheart did come and wake me up."

I thought that was the cutest thing ever. I was expecting her to say, "my little sister." But what she said was way more cute and memorable.

Mirror

I have to admit that sometimes I cringe when I see my children mimic me. There are those moments when they do things that my heart just breaks. One such moment happened the other day. Elizabeth was struggling so hard to accomplish something (I cannot remember what). She got frustrated and screamed and threw it down. I would like to say I have never done that. But sadly when she did it I saw myself. It is easy to forget, when the computer is not working or when I can't open something, that little eyes are watching. Sometimes I scream aghhhh in frustration and throw it. Those moments are the worst.

She does mimic good things. When I see her gently hold her baby doll and say, "Its ok momma is here, baby." or apologize to her sister without encouragement. Those moments give me hope. They give me hope that despite my many flaws and failures my children can learn good from me. My ultimate hope and the one that gives me comfort is that they will be introduced to the one they can mirror and I will never have to cringe. I hope that I can point them to Jesus and they can see the one who will never let them down.

Conversation with Elizabeth

This morning Elizabeth was searching for something she had lost. She was saying in a whiney tone "where is it, where is it?" I heard her, but was busy with something else, so I really did not pay attention. A moment later she found it and came to me and said, "God takes care of us, doesn't he mom." My heart melted and I told her about how God tells us he cares for the birds and flowers and will take care of us so much more. My prayer is always that God will reveal himself to my two little girls. I am thankful he is!

Gift of Grace

Meals with a three year old can be a battle at times. My oldest daughter seems like she will go days without eating. She eats so sparingly and sometimes is so picky. We have started to enforce some eating "rules."

The other night at dinner time she decided she did not want to eat what mommy had made. I have never been the person who wants to force their kid to eat something they do not like. Our rule is you have to take one bite. If you still do not like it you don't have to eat it. But you have to try it. Well, she tried it and she did not want to eat anymore. She said she was not hungry. I told her that was fine, but she could not eat again until bedtime snack. Well, bed time snack came and she said she was not hungry. She did not want to eat. I told her fine, but you will not eat again until morning. She chose to not eat snack. Bedtime came and she suddenly was starving. So starving that she was crying, "My belly hurts." As a mom I am suddenly torn. On one hand I want to be firm and enforce the rules that we set in place. I don't want to teach that mom and dad go back on their word. On the other hand I know she is only three years old and who can really listen to their child cry that they are hungry and turn the other cheek? Privately, I asked my husband if he thought it would be ok to give her some fruit. I mean fruit is not a fun food and really would only satisfy her hunger if she was truly hungry and not just seeking food for comfort. He said no. He thought she needed to learn this lesson. Because I am so strong and capable as a mom, I told him he had to put her to bed. I knew I would cave. I sat and listened on our baby moniter as he tucked her into bed. For fifteen minutes they talked and she cried about her belly hurting and how hungry she was. And my husband assured her she would be ok and talked with her about consequences. He came downstairs and she was still crying. I was trembling inside, but coping. I prayed for wisdom and for wisdom for Todd. I was sure he was right about us needing to be firm, but I was sure any moment I would cave and run upstairs hiding food in my shirt.

My wise and loving husband came down stairs and I said, "Is she ok?" He assured me she was fine, but then he told me to bring her a bananna. "Go teach her about grace", He said. I brought her downstairs and allowed her to sit at the table and eat a bannana. I explained to her that daddy had given her grace and given her something even though she did not deserve it. I explained that God gives us grace and that we should show grace to others.

I am pretty sure that was the best bannana she had ever eaten. I know that moment will stick with me for a long time. I am thankful that I have a husband who is wise enough to be firm, but gentle enough to offer grace.

Hard Talk

I have an incredible husband. He loves me and our family selflessly and unconditionally. We have a great marriage and we work well together, but we are human and we have fights and moments where we argue and moments where one or both of us are being selfish.

It was the end of the night and we were both tired. We were giving our kids their before bed snack. We started arguing over something and I don't even remember what it was. I raised my voice and we ended the conversation having neither resolved it nor made up. I walked away and sat down in the next room. When I walked away I heard Elizabeth talk to her daddy, "Daddy, why are you talking hard?" Daddy: "Sometimes mommies and daddies do that, but we should always talk gentle. Elizabeth: "When I grow up I can talk hard?" Daddy: "No."

I sat listening to this conversation and my heart was broken. My eyes filled with tears and I repented. I was so concerned with myself that I disrespected my husband and was an awful example for my girls.

A few minutes later Elizabeth and I were alone and I apologized to her and told her I was wrong for speaking to her daddy that way. I also apologized to Todd in front of the kids.

I want to teach my girls to be loving and respectful wives. I wish I modeled that for them 100% of the time. I hope that the good will impress upon their heart much more than the bad. In my sadness I had a hope. Maybe the best impression I can give them is that good wives are willing to admit mistakes and good moms know when to tell their kids they are sorry.

Real Life Diva

I have my own diva. She is about 3 feet tall and 2.5 years old. Elizabeth has now become a true fashionista. We struggle daily with what she will wear. I pick out something and she always wants to wear a dress. Even today when it was 60 degrees outside she wanted to wear a dress up spaghetti strap dress and only the dress. We compromised. While we were in the house she wore the dress. When we went outside she wore the dress over jeans and a t-shirt. It remotely satisfied her. I know I cannot let her rule the world, but I am trying to carefully choose my battles. In the end I kind of think its cute. My little girl wants nothing more than to be pretty and girly. These are all things I wished for once upon a time. I just thought I would have a little more control over it! :)

Heart of Gratitude

Elizabeth has started to say thank you. She has been saying thank you in sign language for a long time and it was usually prompted by mommy or Daddy. But just in the past month or so she has started saying it completely unprompted and in the cutest way. Thank you sounds like, "Tank you." And it comes completely unprompted now. I will set her lunch down on her high chair in front of her and she will say, "tank you mommy." Or when I give her some water, or when I help her change her doll. It happens at random times and is adorable. Her gratitude is so precious to me. I wonder if God sees my gratitude in that way. I wonder if me telling him thank you makes his heart melt in the way mine does when Liz says it. I wonder if it makes him proud and I know that I do not say it enough.

Clean House

I think I have come to the conclusion that my house will never be clean. Today I was trying to do some organizing and here is what happened: While I was taking Claire's newborn clothes from her dresser and filling the dresser with bigger sizes (Fast Huh?) Elizabeth was happily taking every toy we have upstairs out of it's place and also taking her shirts from her dresser and trying to wear them (as pants.) So, we finally finished with that and it was nap time for Elizabeth. Claire and I went downstairs and I got her to sleep. I sat with her for a good 20 minutes mostly because it was really nice to sit and then I tried to clean. I wasn't feeling great today so I did not get much done. And I really only had about 45 minutes from the time I laid her down until she ate again. Later after naps and dinner were over the kids and I were upstairs. Todd was working on something in the barn. (A shelf for Elizabeth) I was trying to put away laundry. I no sooner got all Elizabeth's clothes and hangers put away and she starts bring all my hangers into her room. I am not trying to complain. Just lamenting. I really would like an organized, clean home. But I am sure some day ,when my kids are grown, it will be and then I will miss it. I will miss the handprints on the glass door and the food stuck to the curtain behind Elizabeth's chair. I will miss the baby socks that seem to get tucked into everything and the sight of Elizabeth wiping Claire's face with a bathroom towel because she spit up. (It really is funny to watch a two year old do that.) I probably will not miss both kids having a poopy diaper at the same time while I am trying to put clothes away, but I know I will miss a lot. So for now, if you come over and there are blueberries on the floor from snack or if the layer of dust is really thick just know I tried, but really not that hard because it really is more fun to sit and watch Rudolph with your baby for the first time or to build a fort in the living room. And there will not be too many more years where they will want to do that with mom.

_By the way thought I would add: Funny, I used to clean houses for a living. LOL>

Potty Training

Today our family was doing some shopping at Target and Elizabeth and I went into the bathroom. She tried to go pee, but did not. When she was done I sat down and peed and when I got up she said, "yeah, momma sticker." We have been rewarding her with stickers for putting pee pee in the potty. I have not been pushing her just asking sometimes and letting her try. So, at least she gets the concept, in theory! And I know with time she will get it! I just thought that was so cute.