True Beauty

A few days ago I was looking at some pictures on the computer with Claire. We came to this one. I asked her, "Who are these two pretty little girls?" She pointed to the little blond in the pink and black (herself) and said, "This one is not pretty."

That little comment broke my heart in two. I often tell her she is beautiful. Her daddy says it too. She is not compared to her sister. We dont tell Elizabeth she is pretty more often than we tell Claire. I talk to my girls so much about what it means to be "beautiful." I tell them beauty is about more than just what you look like on the outside or the clothes you wear. I tell them the truth about what God says is beautiful (1st Peter 3:4) ..." The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I have quoted that verse to them a gazzilion times. But still she thought she was not pretty.

I look at that picture and cannot even fathom why that little three year old girl could possibly think she is not pretty. Her little smile lights up a room. Her big blue eyes and long blond hair are the things women envy. But when she looked at that picture she saw herself as not measuring up. She said her dress was not as pretty as the other girls (Elizabeth). "And no one else in our family has light hair like me." (Her quote)

This made me think about how often I have looked in the mirror and thought, "This one is not pretty." Even though my hubby tells me I am beautiful often. Even though my parents have told me I was pretty. Even though I have memorized that verse from 1st Peter. I still look at myself and see that I do not measure up. I am not as thin or as nicely dressed. My hair is not quite right. My clothes are not stylish. My makeup looks a mess. I am not as pretty as that other girl. And it makes me wonder is God looking down and thinking exactly what I thought when Claire said that. "My sweet child if you only saw yourself through my eyes you would know you are beautiful."

I wonder if it makes His heart sad too when we compare ourselves with someone else and say that we have fallen short.

Psalm 139:14
" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well."

Since October

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!

Big Girl Bed

A couple of months ago we made the leap and moved Claire into a big girl bed. I was apprehensive. She is our limit tester so I believed we might have some issues on our hands with staying put in her bed.

And although she has pushed the boundaries a little more than Elizabeth did with her bed she overall has done well. One thing we have going for us is this girl loves to sleep. She enjoys her sleep and will certainly let us know when she needs to be in bed.

At first she started getting up super early only because she could. But I quickly took her back to her room and let her know that we don't get up until a decent hour. At first it was a bit of struggle but now she stays put if she wakes up and it is still dark outside.

We have found her with some pretty interesting things in her bed.



I cannot believe that we do not have a crib in our home right now. I cannot believe my baby is going to be three soon. It makes me sad to see her grow up. I keep warning the kids I am going to stop feeding them so they stop growing. But they continue to talk me into giving them nourishment. Sadly they are going to grow up. It makes me want our baby boy home even more. Will that ever go away? Wanting to have a baby in the house. Maybe but right now I we are planning for a bigger house so we can fill it with babies. :)

Anywhere else?

It was one of those days. The kids and I were in the car. I would have loved to have headphones or a tranquilizer gun. (Just kidding I would never wear headphones while driving.) But the kids were doing their normal "she is touching me, she is pulling me, she bit me" and I was at the edge of my patience. It had been a very long day and this 30 minute drive home was going to do me in. And then it hit me. Even though these kids were driving me mad. Even though I was so tired. There is no where else I would want to be right now. Being married to the man I love and being momma to my two precious girls. So I stopped and thanked God for my little ones and the life He has called me to and then I pulled out my favorite "quit bugging each other in the car" trick. And it made me laugh and made them laugh to.

Want to know my trick?

If the kids are fighting and won't stop their craziness I make them look at each other and say loudly, "I love you." They have to say this over and over and over and over and over and over. (Get the idea?) By the end they are usually both giggling like crazy and I get a few minutes peace.

So where would you rather be?

Jars of Clay

So I know that everyone will be so excited to hear about the week we have had in this house. Lets start at the beginning.

Saturday: The morning began with a shopping trip ALONE to the grocery store. It was a much needed break and I enjoyed every second. Little did I know it was the calm before the storm.

In the afternoon, Elizabeth and I baked cookies and we had a relaxing family evening at home.

Saturday night the whole house fell apart and the plague hit us.

Sunday: Kids and I stayed home while daddy went to B's (our nephew) baptism. And Sunday night both kids were up coughing half the night.

Monday: Kids and I home while daddy was out making money. (Lucky him)

We receive an email from our agency wondering how we planned on paying for the adoption since our monthly budget obviously does not allow room for an extra $20,000.00. Through tears I replied something about fundraisers and grants. And then quickly emailed a friend and asked her to pray.

Monday night was the worst of the coughing. With me sitting on the couch with Claire from about 11-3AM. I ended up holding her in my lap and dozing off for a bit. She was coughing so bad she threw up and was gagging. I held her upright so she could catch her breath. I dozed on and off while she slept and woke up at about 3 AM with my butt and back in agony. I decided coughing or not she was going in her bed. And about 4 AM Elizabeth got up. Thankfully I was WAY too tired to even hear her and Todd got up with her. (I have an awesome husband)

Tuesday: After the awful night before I decided it was time to go the doctor. Both kids had bronchitis and Claire had a double ear infection. (I think the doctor used the term "raging infection") Steroids and anitbiotic for both. Yipeee!

Wednesday: Steroids are in full effect at our house! Coughing has reduced and craziness has ensued. I caught Claire climbing up my ladder shelf in the living room. I am pretty sure that the "roids" are affecting their brains. They are certainly affecting mine.

Thursday: Thankfully we gave the last dose of steroid!!! That deserves a double yippee. I was able to leave the house for a bit and have dinner and a shopping trip with my mom. And my great husband put both kiddos to bed even though I was home. This caused great stress and chaos for Elizabeth who cried for 5 minutes straight because daddy was putting them both to bed. (Not really sure why. We take turns putting both girls to bed each night so they both get lots of times with daddy putting them to bed. Maybe its the "roids.")

Lots of things have been crazy this week. The kids and I were pretty much stuck in the house for 5 days straight. I have not worn a stitch of makeup since last Friday. (Seriously not even coverup) And it was not like some noble I want to try going au natural thing. I was just so tired and really had no place to go. I did not even put on makeup to go out with my mom tonight. I was just too tired and chose to cuddle on the couch with Claire bug until it was time to leave instead of getting prettied up.

One thing I know though. satan (not capitalized on purpose) is tricky. And when we received that email in the chaos of this week I started to doubt. I started to think that maybe we can't pay for this. Maybe we can't handle three kids. Maybe we should not be adopting. I honestly did. My heart was in a real rough place. I cried a lot of tears and I prayed. And I read the book of Proverbs for about 5 minutes and then I took a nap. And when I woke up this verse was in my head.

1st Corinthians 4:7-9

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

That is the truth. We are not anything great. We have no special thing to offer a baby. We are not saints because we are adopting. I heard it put this way and I love this "I am equally a blessing and a curse to all my kids." Our little man will endure a mom who is, at times, exhausted and at her end. He will get me at my best and at my worst. But we have one thing we can offer him. One thing we can bring to our little man. We can show him the Lord. We can introduce him to the one who can heal all his wounds and can wipe away every tear. We can show him one who is ever patient and ever loving. One who is slow to anger. The one is who is completely and wholly different from everyone he will ever meet, including his momma.

satan would love to distract us from that purpose. He would love to stop or even stall us from showing the Lord to that little one. But we are obeying. We are moving forward to do what God has called us to do.

And in the end it will be worth it. I will leave you with telling the sweetest story of my week. This one made the whole week worth it.

Wednesday evening after bible story I was tucking Claire into bed. Our ritual is that I always hold her and sing to her and pray for her and Lizzie. If I forget anything she reminds me, "Sing baby mine and pray for me and pray for Lizzie." I sung to her and was praying for her. And within my prayer I said something about God living in her heart.

Claire: "My heart too."

Me: "You want God to live in your heart?"

Claire: "Yes"

So in the best way I knew how I explained to my 21/2 year old that we all have sin. Jesus came to the earth to die for our sins and if she believes him he can forgive her and live in her heart. I asked if she wanted to ask him to live in her heart. And she did. My sweet girl prayed, with pacifier still in her mouth, that Jesus would forgive her and live in her heart. And thank you for your shed blood. It was the sweetest moment and it was so holy. So simple and so filled with faith. She simply believes. I pray that as she grows God's word would grow in her heart and the cares of this world would not push it out.

So as we go through this process now. Whether hard pressed or perplexed I cling to God. This is all about Him. He has done bigger things than provide $20,000.00 for an adoption. He parted the sea. He healed the sick. He made the blind see. He came to the earth as a baby and took on my sins. He died on the cross on the third day was raised from the dead. He chooses to use jars of clay, so that when the power is displayed people will see that it was from Him.

It is not from us.

Life Interupted

So I was making dinner this evening and running around doing five thousand other things when a little two year old voice interupted my thinking. From the couch she said, "Mommy, can you sit next to me?" I almost told her the truth. I almost said that I had so many things to do and needed to hurry and prepare dinner so we can eat before our company arrives. I almost explained how the dishes still needed to be cleaned and put away. I almost did. But the cuteness of the little voice made me say, "Yes."

So I sat next to her. We sat for less than five minutes. I "read" two books. I say "read" because my two year old does not really sit still long enough to read many books. So we looked at pictures. And then I kissed her and then I finished my five thousand things.

It was really simple. But it was a sweet moment.

I pray that I will always make time to sit next to her. She won't remember the meal we had, or the that the dishes were clean. She will remember if mom was always too busy to be with her. I am sad that my life is interupted by dishes and meals.

Labels

We have two great kids. One of our kids, however, tends to be a little more defiant than the other. I never realized how compliant Elizabeth was until Claire was born. I realize now a whole new standard of being tested. Claire is the type of personality that is not content to just go along with what the crowd is doing or what mommy says. She needs to test and tempt. She is, however, learning very quickly to obey. And most of the time she is very well behaved and obedient. She is a good girl.

We went to vote the other day and Todd and I had both of the kids with us. Elizabeth was quietly standing next to daddy, but Claire was grabby and curious and not doing well at standing still. Now, honestly, she is a 23 month old. How still can you expect her to be? But one of the poll volunteers made a comment about how Claire was much more testy than her sister. She was definitely testing the limits a bit more, but I was quick to tell the lady that although she was more curious than her sister, she was just as well behaved. She was a good girl. And the curious and discontent people are usually the ones ruling the world.

Claire will test the limits and boundaries in her life for sure. That is part of who she is. She is naturally bent to lead and not follow. But she will either submit to the leading of the Holy spirit and test the limits of the world for Christ or she will deny Him and test all limits. I pray she is lead by the Holy Spirit and denies the things of this world.

But I cannot choose for her. I can, however, point to Christ by example. And every time someone is quick to make a judgement about her I will be there to defend. I never want her to think she is "the bad girl".

Now, several people have made this comment to me about her in the past. So, if you are thinking you have done it, please do not think I hold a grudge. I probably do not even remember everyone who said it because I have heard it several times. I do not think bad of you for making the comment. I just want to always expect and pull out the best out of my children. And so that means I try my hardest to not allow labels to be stuck on them.

It breaks my heart when I hear parents say, within earshot of their kids, "He's got a devil side to him.", "She is so hard to control", "He is my trouble child." This is not to say that we never struggle with our kids or their behavior. Believe me, I have spent countless hours scouring the Internet with the words "how to discipline your defiant child" in my google search. I am no stranger to having trouble with my kids. I just think when we give them labels that are bad we make the bar of expectation really low. And no wonder they live up to it day after day.

I have never said that Claire was a bad girl, but she used to call herself a bad girl a lot. She would throw her cup on the floor and say, "Bad girl." Isn't it funny how they pick up on other peoples perceptions of them? (Scratch that I think I said it once because she was saying it so often, it just came out of my mouth.) I try to tell her very often that she is a very good girl. And I don't think she has said she was a bad girl in a long time. I have two very good girls, so even if you see one of them behaving a little out of the ordinary for a good girl, can you help me by reminding her of what a good girl she is? She responds really well to being reminded of how she should behave. She is, after all, a good girl.

Marked

It must be the weather. I am thinking that the sudden surge of beautiful weather is making Michigan people feel a little more concern and care because all of a sudden I have heard like a zillion times this week, "What happened to her head?", "Poor baby she got a good bump." If you are wondering what I am talking about I will enlighten you.

My sweet baby Claire was born with a Hemangioma on her fore head. For those of us who did not know that word existed, it is simply a birthmark. When she was born it was barely noticeable. As she grew, it also grew. Now it is only slightly noticeable. Her hair often covers it.

I generally do not get upset when someone says something. And if you happen to be someone who noticed at some point, don't worry. I probably do not even remember. I always try to respond very politely and tell the person asking that it is simply a birthmark. People generally feel really bad for asking and I can tell, so I am not mad at the moment.

But right now I wish to vent. We were walking into a public bathroom a few hours ago and a nice older woman noticed the mark and asked what happened. I politely told her it was a birthmark and walked away. What struck me was when we walked away, Claire repeated, "Birthmark, birthmark." And in my head I wondered, what will she think of herself as she grows? Will she always be self conscious of it? Will she always have to explain that she did not bump her head? Will it simply fade away like so many doctors have told me it would?

I don't know. I want to shelter her. I don't want her to feel like her head looks so awful that people assume she has been dramatically injured. She is desperately beautiful. She has captivating eyes and gorgeous hair. And her spirit draws you in. I want people to notice so much more than her "bump" on the head.

And I know that people generally mean well when they ask. I never even knew such a birthmark existed, so I understand why people ask.

I just have had enough this week.

Here is my girl. Two pictures of her. The bump is just under her hairline. Maybe you can see it. But I hope that you notice so much more.

Honesty

So just a bit of real, honesty. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. Many things have coincided to bring me to this point, but here I am.

1. For about 6 months Elizabeth has been having these random stomach pains. We struggled to find a solution and even thought at times she was making it up. I had kind of become numb to them and pretty much considered them something she said when she was sad, or wanted to get out of something, like bedtime. But in the last month they have become extreme. It started with her waking up in the night screaming about the pain. This went on and also she started crying at random times throughout the day. Sometimes they are so severe she is doubled over in pain screaming at the top of her lungs. We have taken her to the pediatrician and they did a full food allergy panel and blood tests. We go to the doc on Friday to get results. I am anxious. I want to find something. Not because I want something to be wrong or because I want her to have an allergy, but because I need to know what can make it better. Some days she is so whiney and crabby and has not been her loving, happy self for a while. I have just about lost patience with her. I know that she is in pain at times, but I stuggle because I think sometimes she uses the pain as an out. If her belly hurts she gets attention and it delays bedtime. We have eliminated dairy products. I honestly do not think that the dairy helped much, but I also decided to eliminate juice. It seemed like it helped to cut out juice, but then she was constipated. (Another regular problem) And then I had to give her prune juice. That helped the constipation, but the next two days she had severe belly aches.

2. I am pretty sure if I hear another "Mom, I was playing with that." I will scream. I know that I am not the only parent to have ever dealt with sibling rivalry, but at this point I am so done with it. Part of the problem is that Claire is only 18 months. She is still trying to grasp the concept of sharing and has a hard time when Elizabeth gets anything she does not have. Claire also has gotten her own big temper at this point. When she gets mad she will hit and sometimes I hear Elizabeth screaming from the other room because Claire has found some object to beat her with. Now I am sure Elizabeth probably deserved it because she has given her fair share of abuse to her sister, but I am struggling to find something that works to teach her.

3. I am at a stand still at weight loss. I am down 60 lbs. I was hoping to lose another 10, but it just does not seem to be working. I don't want to get frustrated and fed up, but at times I am. I know that I will never have perfect body, but we all have concepts of what we want to look like and I am just not there yet. I am not giving up. But I am frustrated. Maybe my frustration will push me to work harder, but many days it makes me do worse. Just keep swimming, right?

4. I am a bit lonely. I have an incredible family. I have a great church. I have great friends, but the past few months things have not clicked well. Let me explain our church attendance has been spotty the past few months because it seems like every other week one child or another is sick. My very best friend and I have been on different schedules because of work and kids starting school. My two best girlfriends, who are single with no kids, have been working a lot and we just cannot seem to make our "breaks" coincide. I am not alone. But I feel a bit lonely. Before kids we were surrounded in community. We did ministry and had small groups. With kids it just seems like it is so much harder. We tried a small group at our new church and liked it, but one of us spent the whole time in the other room with the kids because Claire was not used to the sitter and could not stop crying. We are going to keep trying if we can ever be healthy long enough. I know we are all created for community. I know I am craving something good. And part of the problem is I am an extrovert to the max. I crave people. I crave conversation and being around people I can share things with. It engergizes me. It gives me joy. Being home with kids all days can be draining. But when I am doing it with someone it is easier. Being a mom is a lonely job sometimes. I know that some people really do not mind being alone and actually crave it. But I sometimes just think up reasons to go to Target because I crave adult interaction. Am I crazy? Or has anyone else thought that?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I have an incredible life. I am truly blessed. I just feel like I am about to lose it. Hopefully "it" includes 10 lbs.

My Sweetheart

So yesterday morning as Todd was walking out to go to work I asked if he would bring Claire into our room. She was awake and I did not hear Elizabeth yet, so I was hoping for a couple more minutes in bed. She quickly grew tired of laying with me, so I asked her if she wanted to go wake up her sister. This is an exciting thing for her. On the rare occasions that she is awake before her sister she loves going in to get her up. She can even open the door on her own. (This does not work out so well on mornings when I am trying to keep her in bed longer, but anyway.) She excitedly went in and I heard their conversation.

Elizabeth: Hi, good morning sweetheart. Let's go wake up mommy. (Not sure how she thought Claire got out of her crib with me still in bed.)

As they came in the room I hid under the covers and pretended to be asleep. When they came in Elizabeth said, "Hi mom, my little sweetheart did come and wake me up."

I thought that was the cutest thing ever. I was expecting her to say, "my little sister." But what she said was way more cute and memorable.

Claire

My sweet baby is One year old today. This time last year I was laying in a hospital bedding awaiting her arrival. She was tricky. She wanted to come, but needed a little help. I feel as though her first year has been that way. She has needed so many things and has been a much needier child than Elizabeth. She has gone through illnesses and is still conquering some. But she is strong. She is a fighter and she has a sweet spirit. She loves. She is a loving, gentle spirit. But she can be fierce. I see her gentleness in the way she holds her new "babies". She got some stuffed animals for her birthday and she cuddles them and pats their backs just like a gentle momma. And she kisses their noses. She is beautiful. Here is my letter to her on this day.

My sweet Claire-
I am so proud to be your momma. I love you immensely. My prayer and hope for your life is that you surrender all of you to our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that you allow him to mold and shape your tender heart and allow him to use your boldness and strength for his glory. I am not a perfect mommy. I will fail you and all ready have in so many ways, but I hope that you can get a glimpse of the One who will never fail you and that you allow Him to lead your life. I pray that his holy spirit is all ready speaking to you and drawing you close to him. Before I know it you will be grown and all I will have is the memories of your sweet baby smile and how your hair curled ever so slightly at the nape of your neck. I will treasure your sweet whole mouth kisses and the way you point at yourself and reach for me as if to say, "Momma, hold me." Happy first birthday my sweet baby. I look forward to all this year has to offer. So many changes will take place and in many ways this year will be more exciting than your first. Know that I love you. Know that your daddy and I treasure you and that you are valued. Know that we cherish our moments with you and look forward to those to come. I feel as though you have been given less than we gave your sister. Now there are two to divide my time and you get much less focused attention than she did, but you are loved just as much. You are loved uniquely and simply for being you. I love being your mommy.

Sisters

My girls are 20 months apart. When they are 20 and 22 that will not be a big difference, but at 11 months and 2 years they can seem worlds apart. But there are moments when I catch glimpses of them in their own little world. Like for instance today in the car Elizabeth was making her sister laugh by making funny noises into a cup. For some reason this was hilarious to an 11 month old. I was watching through the rear view mirror and I could not help, but smile. These two girls were in their own world. It was like they had this secret language that only the two of them knew. I never had a sister. I always wished I did.
I was thinking last night of how when I became pregnant with claire we prayed so hard she was a boy. We already had our girl and the thought of a boy just made our family complete. Thankfully God had other plans. And as I was driving home today I could not help but thank God that we were given two girls.
As we were nearing home I was stopping at a stop light and had more than just a moment to gaze at them and I saw my two girls struggling as hard as they could to hold hands. The car seats are set just a little too far apart, but they both were doing all they could do to just touch eachother. My two precious babies, that I had prayed both times to be boys, were being sisters and girls and reaching out to love one another. That moment meant so much.
I know they will fight and they already do. I know there will be times when they cannot stand eachother, but I prayed for them while we were driving that their whole lives they would love one another and geniunely look out for the others best interest. I think they will.

10 months

So 10 months ago today I gave birth to Claire. She was perfect in every way. I was thinking today that while there are some things I miss about the little baby stage there really is not much. She is fast approaching toddler hood. She no longer drinks from a bottle. She has graduated to big girl sippy cups. She is crawling all over and is pulling up on every thing. I am sure she will be walking soon. She eats just about everything. She eats every meal with us at the table and eats most of what we eat. She is no longer a little baby. Of course she will always be my baby, but she is growing up. People often say you will miss this. Yes, I will miss many things, but the first 7 months of her life were so hard. She was an acid reflux baby and that meant for 4 months she slept only in a swing. For 6 months she slept in our bedroom or in the living for naps. For 6 months she never left my side. That is hard on anyone. I was constantly worried she may reflux and choke. I did not get enough sleep. She woke every 3-4 hours for 6 months and when she did sleep longer she still was not sleeping through the night until 9 months. She did not fall asleep on her own until 7 0r 8 months. This was incredibly hard on me and hard on our whole family. Todd often took night feedings because I was too exhausted. He would wake with her at 3 or 4 and be back up for work by 6 or 7. We would take turns rocking her to sleep at bedtime and most nights one of us was upstairs with her until 9:30 or 10. We were scared to leave her with anyone and only had a couple of people we felt comfortable staying with her. This left little time for us to be alone. When she cried I always wondered if she was in pain or if she just needed to cry. This meant she did not learn to fall asleep on her own. For 7 months life was kind of a whirl wind. And it was just hard. Things have gotten much better in the past couple of months. She is doing so much better with her reflux. She is sleeping through the night and puts herself to sleep. But getting here was a long, hard road. This has changed my perspective in a lot of ways. I always said I wanted our children to be no more than two years apart, but now I am thinking maybe three is a better number for the next one. I am just too tired to think of having another baby in the near future. It has also made me realize that while I would never trade our Claire for another baby I think I will not miss much about those first 7 months. I am enjoying her, Elizabeth and Todd so much more now. And I am grateful these past 10 months are behind me. I am sad my baby is growing up, but I know that the moments to come will be wonderful. I am not wishing away these years. They are too precious, but I am wisely looking at this for what it was and praying that our next baby does not have these issues.

Last week of 2008

So this past week was one of the most stressful week of 08 for me and makes me happy it is over. Not only did we have the brilliant idea that would move Claire over to a bed this week, but Lizzie got herpes stomatitis. Which if you do not know what that is, imagine cold sores all over you toungue, gums, lips, throat. It was an awful week. Lizzie was running a fever for the better part of a week and miserble. She hardly ate anything. She was whiny and generally crabby and she got up two to three times every night. She is starting to get a little better! Thankfully, but it was a long process. That is probably the worst she has ever been sick and I do not want to go through that ever again. It does make me grateful she is generally healthy. I know some parents have kids who are sick for their whole lives, so we are very fortunate.

On the Claire sleep issue- She sleeps awful laying on her back. We have successfully kept her from sleeping in a swing for the whole week, but it has been a painful process. In one night she got up 8 times. Babies with acid relfux generally sleep very poorly on their backs and she is no exception and excessive crying makes acid reflux flair up, so we decided to lay a screaming baby on her back. yeah, that was fun. Anyway, we have rocked her to sleep a few times this week (for our sanity.) But overall she has fallen asleep on her own. So that is good, but the wkaing up 8 times a night thing is making me crazy. Between her waking up and Liz waking up some nights I was up 6 times. (Bad math i know, but my loving husband took half.) She has slept on her tummy on occaision for naps. (Mostly when she was in the same room with me.) So we experimented and layed her on her belly one night. She woke up once for a bottle and went right back to sleep. Needless to say she is a tummy sleeper now. I know no pediatrician would recommend it, but the research I have done says babies with acid relfux tend to relfux less when laying on their sides or tummies. Some relfux doctors will actually recommend infants with severe reflux sleep on their tummies. And with much prayer, worry and deliberation this is what we have decided. Now I am hoping sleep can get a little more normal. I do not think I or my poor husband, who takes the brunt of my stress, can take much more.

Crying it out makes me want to cry

So we decided the day after Christmas we would start letting Claire fuss herself to sleep. Up until this point naps and bedtime revolved around mommy rocking her until she was asleep and then laying her in her swing. (She slept in the swing when the acid reflux was at its worst.) We decided it was time for her to sleep in a bed. The AR is under control for the most part and I am exhausted from having to put her to sleep. With Liz we allowed her to fuss for a few minutes and she would eventually fall asleep, usually without too much crying, but I never let Claire cry. I was so spooked from the AR and whenever she cried I picked her up. She is used to falling asleep in mommy's arms and most of the time settles down only for me, so I was staying with her most nights until 9:00 or so and laying her down and then if she woke back up the process began again. Some nights I was not done until 10:30 and I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired. I miss having time with my husband. I miss just sitting on the couch. I miss being able to actually get things done after the kids go to sleep. Liz went to bed at 8:00 at her age and slept all night. I know all babies are different and I am not expecting her to sleep all night (although that would be nice) I just need her to learn to fall asleep on her own. She is almost five months old and I think she is very capable of knowing this by now, but we have never given her a chance. So we started this morning. She went down for her first nap at 10:30. She fussed only a little on and off for 20 minutes and fell asleep. She woke up in 10 minutes and was totally unhappy. I wet up changed her diaper and layed her back down. By this time she was angry. And she was doing that hyperventilating cry. I went up a couple more times and just reassured her mommy is here, I love you. But she was ticked off. She cried for a little while longer and then I got her up because it was close to feeding time and I figured eating would probably do her good. She ate and stayed up for about an hour and half and then I layed her down again. This time she barely cried and fell fast asleep. I know she is exhausted. I am sure this is for her benefit and I know it is for mine, but it is so hard to listen to your baby cry and not pick her up. I know if we dont do this now she will be so much harder to teach this to later, but I still dislike it. As I sit here she has been asleep about 20 minutes and I hear her starting to fuss. Awake again. I know this will be a long process. I am praying it will be quick! I am praying maybe she get the hang of it by 8:00 pm . LOL.

Clean House

I think I have come to the conclusion that my house will never be clean. Today I was trying to do some organizing and here is what happened: While I was taking Claire's newborn clothes from her dresser and filling the dresser with bigger sizes (Fast Huh?) Elizabeth was happily taking every toy we have upstairs out of it's place and also taking her shirts from her dresser and trying to wear them (as pants.) So, we finally finished with that and it was nap time for Elizabeth. Claire and I went downstairs and I got her to sleep. I sat with her for a good 20 minutes mostly because it was really nice to sit and then I tried to clean. I wasn't feeling great today so I did not get much done. And I really only had about 45 minutes from the time I laid her down until she ate again. Later after naps and dinner were over the kids and I were upstairs. Todd was working on something in the barn. (A shelf for Elizabeth) I was trying to put away laundry. I no sooner got all Elizabeth's clothes and hangers put away and she starts bring all my hangers into her room. I am not trying to complain. Just lamenting. I really would like an organized, clean home. But I am sure some day ,when my kids are grown, it will be and then I will miss it. I will miss the handprints on the glass door and the food stuck to the curtain behind Elizabeth's chair. I will miss the baby socks that seem to get tucked into everything and the sight of Elizabeth wiping Claire's face with a bathroom towel because she spit up. (It really is funny to watch a two year old do that.) I probably will not miss both kids having a poopy diaper at the same time while I am trying to put clothes away, but I know I will miss a lot. So for now, if you come over and there are blueberries on the floor from snack or if the layer of dust is really thick just know I tried, but really not that hard because it really is more fun to sit and watch Rudolph with your baby for the first time or to build a fort in the living room. And there will not be too many more years where they will want to do that with mom.

_By the way thought I would add: Funny, I used to clean houses for a living. LOL>

Life in choas

So today was one of those days for me. It started with a doctor appt. for claire. Not fun, but made tremendously better by the fact Lizzie was with my best friend. You have to love a friend who calls and insists on watching your kid just to help you, even though she has a yucky cold, which she will most certainly pass on to her children. Thanks Sheena! After that home for naps and rest for mommy. Lizzie did not nap. She is on a medication for a cold that makes her extremely hyper and needless to say she sat in her bed two hours today and did not sleep one wink. I went in a few times to check on her and kept telling her, "You need to sleep sweetie." Well, she did not and our day went accordingly. At 4:30 I talked to Todd and mistakenly interpreted that he would be home soon. (Yeah) Well, at 5:30 I called again and was told he was not even leaving for 20 minutes. I had been telling myself, "it will be over soon. Daddy will be home and he will help and life will be better." Dinner was almost done. Lizzie was running around like the drugged up kid she is and I was on the brink. Well, when he told me he was not leaving for 20 more minutes I broke down. I immediately told him I had to go. I was not mad at him. It really was both of our faults. He did not give me all the info about what he had to do until he came home, but I also should never assume. So, when I hung up with him. I just cried. I sat there holding Lizzie, stirring taco meat, crying. We made it through till dad came home and when he came home mommy had to leave. I just needed some alone time. It got me thinking. Life is often made up of these moments. And I appreciate so much when other moms, normal, healthy, good, moms let me know about those moments in their lives. Often when I am in those moments I feel like they will never end and like I am such a mess. And like my kids are going to be scarred and turn out horrible. But then I see other families and I realize that despite the chaos things really can be ok. My kids, thankfully enough, have the option of having their messy lives redeemed by the God who created us. And I am ever grateful for that and for the chance I have to turn to him as well. I left the house and cried in the car. I cried and prayed and went shopping. And when I came home I felt better. I have to say that when I walked in the door the house was clean, dishes done and Lizzie was bathed. That did help with the feeling better part. ( I have an amazing husband.) But it helps me to remember I don't have to be perfect. God loves me and Jesus Christ can redeem my broken chaos. For that and for weight watchers ice cream I am leaving you grateful!

Acid Reflux

My youngest daughter (2 months) has severe acid reflux. It seems odd for a baby to have such a thing, but she does. And it does not just cause discomfort. She has these episodes where she chokes on the reflux. She often turns purple and gasps for breath. The first time it happened she was 3 days old. My husband and I did not know what was happening. Thankfully enough he took charge and stuck a bulb syringe in her throat and sucked it out. I called 911 and panicked. Since then it has happened 9 times. We have been to childrens hospital and are currently awaiting an appointment to see a GI specialist. The acid reflux really changed the way we live. With my first daughter she slept in her own bed in her room from ther first few weeks. She learned to fall asleep on her own pretty quickly and was sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. I never let Claire sleep more than a few feet from me. Unless I am wide awake and have the monitor. Also because of the discomfort she does not sleep well in her bed. She wakes up every hour or so if she is flat on her back. We even tried elevating her matress and it does not seem to help. So she sleeps in her swing. It makes me worry all the time. I want her to learn to sleep well on her own, but I am also desperate for her to sleep, so we resort to the swing. Also because of the reflux se sometimes cries for no apparant reason, simply because she is uncomfortable. It is amazing how different one child can be from the next. I thought I really had things figured out after Elizabeth, but Claire is a whole other story. This afternoon we were driving home from Walmart and Claire started choking in the car. I cut across traffic and pulled into a parking lot to get her out. I am not sure what is going to happen and I am scared for my baby and I am overwhelmed. I worry about everything. What if it happens when I am in the shower or something? I also worry about her becoming attached to the swing or not learning to fall asleep on her own because she never has to. She is almost always sleeping with me next to her. I wish I could talk with someone who has experienced this. I know a few people who have had babies with acid reflux, but I have not heard any say there child experienced the choking. I just am lost as to what to do and what to expect from her. Baby books will tell you not to let your child fall asleep in the swing and to let them learn to fall asleep on their own, but what do I expect from a baby who is in pain and uncomfortable. I cant just let her cry it out. And I am not sure if she will ever outgrow this. I really am at my wits end.