Honesty

So just a bit of real, honesty. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. Many things have coincided to bring me to this point, but here I am.

1. For about 6 months Elizabeth has been having these random stomach pains. We struggled to find a solution and even thought at times she was making it up. I had kind of become numb to them and pretty much considered them something she said when she was sad, or wanted to get out of something, like bedtime. But in the last month they have become extreme. It started with her waking up in the night screaming about the pain. This went on and also she started crying at random times throughout the day. Sometimes they are so severe she is doubled over in pain screaming at the top of her lungs. We have taken her to the pediatrician and they did a full food allergy panel and blood tests. We go to the doc on Friday to get results. I am anxious. I want to find something. Not because I want something to be wrong or because I want her to have an allergy, but because I need to know what can make it better. Some days she is so whiney and crabby and has not been her loving, happy self for a while. I have just about lost patience with her. I know that she is in pain at times, but I stuggle because I think sometimes she uses the pain as an out. If her belly hurts she gets attention and it delays bedtime. We have eliminated dairy products. I honestly do not think that the dairy helped much, but I also decided to eliminate juice. It seemed like it helped to cut out juice, but then she was constipated. (Another regular problem) And then I had to give her prune juice. That helped the constipation, but the next two days she had severe belly aches.

2. I am pretty sure if I hear another "Mom, I was playing with that." I will scream. I know that I am not the only parent to have ever dealt with sibling rivalry, but at this point I am so done with it. Part of the problem is that Claire is only 18 months. She is still trying to grasp the concept of sharing and has a hard time when Elizabeth gets anything she does not have. Claire also has gotten her own big temper at this point. When she gets mad she will hit and sometimes I hear Elizabeth screaming from the other room because Claire has found some object to beat her with. Now I am sure Elizabeth probably deserved it because she has given her fair share of abuse to her sister, but I am struggling to find something that works to teach her.

3. I am at a stand still at weight loss. I am down 60 lbs. I was hoping to lose another 10, but it just does not seem to be working. I don't want to get frustrated and fed up, but at times I am. I know that I will never have perfect body, but we all have concepts of what we want to look like and I am just not there yet. I am not giving up. But I am frustrated. Maybe my frustration will push me to work harder, but many days it makes me do worse. Just keep swimming, right?

4. I am a bit lonely. I have an incredible family. I have a great church. I have great friends, but the past few months things have not clicked well. Let me explain our church attendance has been spotty the past few months because it seems like every other week one child or another is sick. My very best friend and I have been on different schedules because of work and kids starting school. My two best girlfriends, who are single with no kids, have been working a lot and we just cannot seem to make our "breaks" coincide. I am not alone. But I feel a bit lonely. Before kids we were surrounded in community. We did ministry and had small groups. With kids it just seems like it is so much harder. We tried a small group at our new church and liked it, but one of us spent the whole time in the other room with the kids because Claire was not used to the sitter and could not stop crying. We are going to keep trying if we can ever be healthy long enough. I know we are all created for community. I know I am craving something good. And part of the problem is I am an extrovert to the max. I crave people. I crave conversation and being around people I can share things with. It engergizes me. It gives me joy. Being home with kids all days can be draining. But when I am doing it with someone it is easier. Being a mom is a lonely job sometimes. I know that some people really do not mind being alone and actually crave it. But I sometimes just think up reasons to go to Target because I crave adult interaction. Am I crazy? Or has anyone else thought that?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I have an incredible life. I am truly blessed. I just feel like I am about to lose it. Hopefully "it" includes 10 lbs.

A typical day of food

I have had a couple people ask me for meal ideas or what I eat in a normal day. Here is my meal plan from yesterday.

24 weight watcher points

Low fat Whole Grain Toast 1 pt.
1 tablespoon reduced fat peanut butter 2 pt.
Water

Whole grain flat bread 1 pt.
2 oz. turkey breast 1 pt.
Low fat cheese 1 pt.
Mustard 0 pt.
1 cup cooked veggies with cheese 1 pt.
19 pretzels 3 pt.

two homemade cruncy tacos with cheese and reduced fat sour cream 6 pt.
1 cup black beans 1 pt.
1 cup green beans 0 pt.

1 apple with 3 tablespoons caramel yogurt 2 pt.

6 ritz crackers 2 pt.
reduced fat cheese 1 pt.

1 weight watcher ice cream 2 pt.

Fail to plan and plan to fail

Over my weight loss journey I have learned that if I do not make plans I will fail. Let me explain. At the last minute I had to work late. Now because of this we ordered pizza, so I could keep working and not have to prepare something. Not a huge deal, if I would have planned a little better. I could have made the decision to eat two pieces and have salad. That is a reasonable meal. Not too many calories. And enough to fill me. But I did not plan. Food came and I was starving. I gobbled up two pieces and went back for more. By the end I was stuffed and realized I had eaten way more than I needed too.


I recognize that for me, when I am in a stressful situation I cannot make reasonable decisions. I cannot decide how much I should eat while famished and stressed about work. That decision will more often than not be the wrong one. I have to make that decision ahead of time. And most of my meals are carefully thought out and planned before I eat them. I usually find out that when I make a decision to eat a certain amount that amount is satisfying to me. If I eat my portion slowly and give my body time to digest I recognize I am content with much less than I would be if I just ate until I felt full. When I make plans I succeed. I am pretty good about carrying out the plans I have put in place. I get into trouble when I try and wing it.

55lbs Part Two (Just Keep Swimming)

My daughters watch the movie, "Finding Nemo." And in the movie there is a fish that sings, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." I have taken that line and used it to motivate me. I have bad days. I have days where I eat too much. I have days where I go overboard and feel like quitting. I remember that line and it helps me. I just pick up from that point and keep going. I have been overweight my entire life and have been on countless diets. They all failed. I eventually got to a point where I messed up so much that I gave up. But now I don't give up. One bad meal does not have to ruin my whole day. one bad day does not have to ruin a week and even going overboard for a week does not mean I should quit. I just pick up and keep going. I keep swimming and it has done me a world of good.