Since October

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!

Anywhere else?

It was one of those days. The kids and I were in the car. I would have loved to have headphones or a tranquilizer gun. (Just kidding I would never wear headphones while driving.) But the kids were doing their normal "she is touching me, she is pulling me, she bit me" and I was at the edge of my patience. It had been a very long day and this 30 minute drive home was going to do me in. And then it hit me. Even though these kids were driving me mad. Even though I was so tired. There is no where else I would want to be right now. Being married to the man I love and being momma to my two precious girls. So I stopped and thanked God for my little ones and the life He has called me to and then I pulled out my favorite "quit bugging each other in the car" trick. And it made me laugh and made them laugh to.

Want to know my trick?

If the kids are fighting and won't stop their craziness I make them look at each other and say loudly, "I love you." They have to say this over and over and over and over and over and over. (Get the idea?) By the end they are usually both giggling like crazy and I get a few minutes peace.

So where would you rather be?

Honesty

So just a bit of real, honesty. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. Many things have coincided to bring me to this point, but here I am.

1. For about 6 months Elizabeth has been having these random stomach pains. We struggled to find a solution and even thought at times she was making it up. I had kind of become numb to them and pretty much considered them something she said when she was sad, or wanted to get out of something, like bedtime. But in the last month they have become extreme. It started with her waking up in the night screaming about the pain. This went on and also she started crying at random times throughout the day. Sometimes they are so severe she is doubled over in pain screaming at the top of her lungs. We have taken her to the pediatrician and they did a full food allergy panel and blood tests. We go to the doc on Friday to get results. I am anxious. I want to find something. Not because I want something to be wrong or because I want her to have an allergy, but because I need to know what can make it better. Some days she is so whiney and crabby and has not been her loving, happy self for a while. I have just about lost patience with her. I know that she is in pain at times, but I stuggle because I think sometimes she uses the pain as an out. If her belly hurts she gets attention and it delays bedtime. We have eliminated dairy products. I honestly do not think that the dairy helped much, but I also decided to eliminate juice. It seemed like it helped to cut out juice, but then she was constipated. (Another regular problem) And then I had to give her prune juice. That helped the constipation, but the next two days she had severe belly aches.

2. I am pretty sure if I hear another "Mom, I was playing with that." I will scream. I know that I am not the only parent to have ever dealt with sibling rivalry, but at this point I am so done with it. Part of the problem is that Claire is only 18 months. She is still trying to grasp the concept of sharing and has a hard time when Elizabeth gets anything she does not have. Claire also has gotten her own big temper at this point. When she gets mad she will hit and sometimes I hear Elizabeth screaming from the other room because Claire has found some object to beat her with. Now I am sure Elizabeth probably deserved it because she has given her fair share of abuse to her sister, but I am struggling to find something that works to teach her.

3. I am at a stand still at weight loss. I am down 60 lbs. I was hoping to lose another 10, but it just does not seem to be working. I don't want to get frustrated and fed up, but at times I am. I know that I will never have perfect body, but we all have concepts of what we want to look like and I am just not there yet. I am not giving up. But I am frustrated. Maybe my frustration will push me to work harder, but many days it makes me do worse. Just keep swimming, right?

4. I am a bit lonely. I have an incredible family. I have a great church. I have great friends, but the past few months things have not clicked well. Let me explain our church attendance has been spotty the past few months because it seems like every other week one child or another is sick. My very best friend and I have been on different schedules because of work and kids starting school. My two best girlfriends, who are single with no kids, have been working a lot and we just cannot seem to make our "breaks" coincide. I am not alone. But I feel a bit lonely. Before kids we were surrounded in community. We did ministry and had small groups. With kids it just seems like it is so much harder. We tried a small group at our new church and liked it, but one of us spent the whole time in the other room with the kids because Claire was not used to the sitter and could not stop crying. We are going to keep trying if we can ever be healthy long enough. I know we are all created for community. I know I am craving something good. And part of the problem is I am an extrovert to the max. I crave people. I crave conversation and being around people I can share things with. It engergizes me. It gives me joy. Being home with kids all days can be draining. But when I am doing it with someone it is easier. Being a mom is a lonely job sometimes. I know that some people really do not mind being alone and actually crave it. But I sometimes just think up reasons to go to Target because I crave adult interaction. Am I crazy? Or has anyone else thought that?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I have an incredible life. I am truly blessed. I just feel like I am about to lose it. Hopefully "it" includes 10 lbs.

Thank you mom

So last night I came home from work. I was rushing around trying to get dinner and get ready because I was going to weight watchers. I finished making dinner and sat hot dogs and oranges down in front of my kids. In my mind I was feeling like a bad mom. I was not having a good day and was feeling a bit guilty about dinner not being more extravagent and healthy. As I walked away Elizabeth said, "Thank you mommy for making dinner. You made very good hot dogs and oranges." My heart melted and in that one instant a comment from my two year old reminded me that I am doing my best and it really was good enough for that moment.

God's answer

Every night our family has devotional time. We read from a children's Bible together and pray. Most nights this time is very short. With a one and two year old even 4 minutes can feel too long. A few nights ago while we were reading our baby jumped off the couch and started pointing towards the stairs and whining, while the other child was humming something. All of this while we were trying to do something that I consider important. In my time of frustration I prayed and asked God to show me is this worth it. I believe teaching my children about God and introducing them to Him is important, but in that moment I wondered if this Bible time meant anything. Did it teach them or was it simply for show? I am all about questioning and making sure the things we are doing are for a purpose and not just because of habit. So I asked God, please show me if this matters.

Fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday afternoon we were driving in the car with my mom and Heather. My mom handed Lizzie a piece of paper and she was drawing something. My mom asked her what she was drawing. Her answer was, "Manna". My mom said, "Nana?" Lizzie: "No, manna." I chime in and say "Did you say manna?" Lizzie: "Yes, manna and gail. They did have it for breakfast." Immediately I am reminded that on that night when I thought no one was listening, we read about God providing the Isrealites with Manna and Quail in the dessert. My heart was humbled as I realized God answered my question. Yes this is worth it. Do I think they will understand everything now? No. Do I think that by reading to my kids every night this will ensure they are Christians? No. My hope is that God's holy spirit will use the words of the Bible to draw them to himself. That maybe someday my own children will respond to the voice of God and surrender themselves to Christ.

I heard two things when she said that, one was: "yes, it is worth it', but I was also reminded that God listens to me and that he does answer.

Sisters

My girls are 20 months apart. When they are 20 and 22 that will not be a big difference, but at 11 months and 2 years they can seem worlds apart. But there are moments when I catch glimpses of them in their own little world. Like for instance today in the car Elizabeth was making her sister laugh by making funny noises into a cup. For some reason this was hilarious to an 11 month old. I was watching through the rear view mirror and I could not help, but smile. These two girls were in their own world. It was like they had this secret language that only the two of them knew. I never had a sister. I always wished I did.
I was thinking last night of how when I became pregnant with claire we prayed so hard she was a boy. We already had our girl and the thought of a boy just made our family complete. Thankfully God had other plans. And as I was driving home today I could not help but thank God that we were given two girls.
As we were nearing home I was stopping at a stop light and had more than just a moment to gaze at them and I saw my two girls struggling as hard as they could to hold hands. The car seats are set just a little too far apart, but they both were doing all they could do to just touch eachother. My two precious babies, that I had prayed both times to be boys, were being sisters and girls and reaching out to love one another. That moment meant so much.
I know they will fight and they already do. I know there will be times when they cannot stand eachother, but I prayed for them while we were driving that their whole lives they would love one another and geniunely look out for the others best interest. I think they will.

To start the day

Elizabeth is a bit of a chatter box. Since she began talking well, she talks a lot. This was how our morning started yesterday. I woke up late to hear her calling from her bed, "Mommy, I am done with my nap." I was barely awake and very groggy. I needed to get dressed quickly because I was late for work, but I called to her, "You can get up." When she entered my room the following conversation ensued:


(To get the full idea try to imagine it fast paced and you being half asleep.)

Lizzie: You get dressed?

Me: uh huh.

Lizzie: We go to Nana's and papa's today?

Me: uh huh.

Lizzie: You wear chapstick?

Me: uh no, uh maybe, (thinking now, my lips do feel chapped) yes I am.

Lizzie: Me wear chapstick?

Me: Grunt.

Lizzie: You wear big girl panties? I don't wear big girl panties. I wear diapers.

Lizzie: Claire awake? I go see her.

Me: Not yet. (Emphatically, so as to let her know I really do not want her to wake up her sister yet.)

Lizzie: You brush your teeth? Me brush my teeth.

Me: (With mouth full of toothpaste) Downstairs. You can brush your teeth.


I love my chatterbox, but I admit I have said: "Why did I teach her to talk?"
Only when she was not around and only to the dog.

Sick Days

Wednesday afternoon Claire woke up from her nap with a fever of 103. With her history of UTI's we decided to take her to Children's ER. We did and they could find nothing wrong. We ended up taking her to her ped on Thursday and they said it was Phlaringitis. But she has been miserable for two days. She has not slept well and neither have I. Her fever has gone down to about 101 now, but it is still there.

I say this to tell you about my break down and to give some insight into my brain.

Because Claire has been so demanding of my time and attention Elizabeth has not gotten very much individual attention. I could tell by her behavior that she was really needing some one on one time. So tonight after Claire went to bed Lizzie got to stay up late and help me bake Cheesecakes. She and I have baked together since she was just one years old and she really loves to help. I prepared the pans and we counted out 20 oreo cookies for the crust. We put them in the food processor and tried to start it. It was not working. I messed with the thing for 5 minutes and could not get it to work. I wanted to have Todd do it because I knew he would probably be able to figure out why it was not working, but he had to go to work for a few hours because he came home early today. I was getting more and more mad and in a moment of frustration had the following conversation with God in my head:

Me: Why in the world does this have to be so hard. We have had no time together and now this is not working. Why?

Me: I seriously want to cuss at this thing.

Me: I wish Todd were here.

(Not in my head) Lizzie: Mommy, let me help you.

Instantly something came into my mind. Little eyes have been watching my every move to see what I will do in this situation. I wanted to cry and cuss and call Todd. But that is not what I should do.

I called Lizzie over to me and said, "Hunny let's pray. You can help mommy by praying." We prayed for God to help us start the food processor. In the next moment I instantly figured out why it was not working. Total human error. The machine has all these safety mechanisms and I had put one out of wack. It worked and we spent the next half hour making cheesecakes, talking, laughing, eating the batter and then we read books and I put her to bed. We had such a fun time togther I wonder what if. What if I would have cussed and cried and not got the thing working? She would have been sad that we could not make our cheescakes and we would have missed out on that fun, but more than that she would have learned that when things suck your should react by blowing up and losing your temper. I am not sure that she will specifically remember this years from now, but I think I will. And maybe she will remember something from this moment. I pray that I can consistently teach her to turn to God in those moments. I know the many moments I have done the opposite. I pray that I can learn to consistently turn to him.

Big Girl Bed

Wednesday night Lizzie slept in a big girl bed for the very first time. I was very sentimental, of course. We went to target and let her pick out her own big girl blanket and of course she picked out princesses. There were pretty much two choices: flowers or princesses. Lizzie told me before we even went to the store that she was going to pick one with Cinderella on it. We picked out the blanket, came home and Lizzie could not wait to put her blanket on her new bed. (Which was really her crib with a convertible front.) She was so excited and could not wait for bed time. I threatened to swiftly take away her new princess blanket if she even thought of getting out of bed before morning. (Call me crazy, but sleep is a very precious commodity around our house.) She crawled in her bed and settled in for the night. Daddy took this opportunity to start over with the stuffed animals. It had gotten a little out of hand. On a normal night she had three stuffed care bears, two teddy bears, a polar bear and a stuffed duck and on any given night a new one could be added. So daddy said to pick one. She did and was so excited. She went to bed and a little while later I went in to check on her. She normally takes her jammies off while in bed. I usually put them back on and cover her up. I was doing just that when she woke up. I said"it's ok hunny, go back to sleep mommy is just putting your jammies back on." She looked at me and with the most wonderful smile she whispered, "I sleep in big girl bed." It was priceless. And she did stay in bed all night! Thank God for princess blankets! And I am pretty sure she thinks some invisible force field exists around her bed because last night a stuffed animal fell out and she cried until we came in and picked it up for her. At this point I am ok with the invisible force field because I am sure it will not last long.

Potty Training and Broken Heart

Wednesday we had a full out potty training day. We took off Lizzie's diaper and put big girl panties on her. We hyped it up and made a big deal about it before hand and she was exited on P-day to wear her Elmo panties. We set her elmo potty up in the kitchen and had m&ms and stickers ready to go. I wanted her to see what it felt like to be wet in panties, so she can start to learn when to use the potty. We stayed home all day and I asked her every 45 minutes or so to use the potty. In the morning she did very well. She had no accidents and even stayed dry during nap. (We had a pull up on her just in case.) After nap, however, was a different story. She had many accidents and just could not seem to make it to the potty. We did not scold her, but I could tell she was upset by her accidents. The next day we woke her up and she seemed very anxious about the potty. She did not want to go and even ran and hid in the other room to pee and poop in her underpants. At that point I did not make a big deal. I just said ok let's go to the potty and we will try harder to make it next time. At this point she was crying when I would ask her to use the potty. So, pull ups came on and we backed off for the day. Today she stayed in diapers, but I asked her if she wanted to use the potty and up until this point she has not wanted to. I know it is ok. She is only 26 months and is very smart. When she is ready she will do it. I know that she will eventually get it and I have to be patient.

On another note. I am sure many mothers have had their babies break their hearts, but yesterday was a bad one for me. Lizzie was playing at my mom's house while I was working in the office with my aunt Sherry. I went in the house to tell her it was time for nap. (It was almost 2:30.) When I came in the room she said, "Mommy no get you.( She refers to herself as you.) Mommy go away. Go see Sherry. No like mommy." It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I know she was just having fun and did not want to nap, but it still made me sad. Sometimes it seems like she wants anyone, but me. But I know she spends all day every day with me and needs interaction with other people, but it still is not fun to hear that. I licked wounds and told her, you don't have to like mommy, but I love you. And sent her to bed. She quickly recovered from her dislike of mommy because that evening I was leaving the house for a little while and she and Claire were staying with daddy and as I was walking out she was sobbing and saying "my mommy no leave." I know she did not mean it and it is probably stupid to let it bother me and I am sure it will not be the last time she breaks my heart. But it still was sad. She is becoming a little girl and is no longer a baby. She is asserting her Independence from mommy and figuring out her likes and dislikes. It is just sad to watch her grow up sometimes.

Last week of 2008

So this past week was one of the most stressful week of 08 for me and makes me happy it is over. Not only did we have the brilliant idea that would move Claire over to a bed this week, but Lizzie got herpes stomatitis. Which if you do not know what that is, imagine cold sores all over you toungue, gums, lips, throat. It was an awful week. Lizzie was running a fever for the better part of a week and miserble. She hardly ate anything. She was whiny and generally crabby and she got up two to three times every night. She is starting to get a little better! Thankfully, but it was a long process. That is probably the worst she has ever been sick and I do not want to go through that ever again. It does make me grateful she is generally healthy. I know some parents have kids who are sick for their whole lives, so we are very fortunate.

On the Claire sleep issue- She sleeps awful laying on her back. We have successfully kept her from sleeping in a swing for the whole week, but it has been a painful process. In one night she got up 8 times. Babies with acid relfux generally sleep very poorly on their backs and she is no exception and excessive crying makes acid reflux flair up, so we decided to lay a screaming baby on her back. yeah, that was fun. Anyway, we have rocked her to sleep a few times this week (for our sanity.) But overall she has fallen asleep on her own. So that is good, but the wkaing up 8 times a night thing is making me crazy. Between her waking up and Liz waking up some nights I was up 6 times. (Bad math i know, but my loving husband took half.) She has slept on her tummy on occaision for naps. (Mostly when she was in the same room with me.) So we experimented and layed her on her belly one night. She woke up once for a bottle and went right back to sleep. Needless to say she is a tummy sleeper now. I know no pediatrician would recommend it, but the research I have done says babies with acid relfux tend to relfux less when laying on their sides or tummies. Some relfux doctors will actually recommend infants with severe reflux sleep on their tummies. And with much prayer, worry and deliberation this is what we have decided. Now I am hoping sleep can get a little more normal. I do not think I or my poor husband, who takes the brunt of my stress, can take much more.

Life in choas

So today was one of those days for me. It started with a doctor appt. for claire. Not fun, but made tremendously better by the fact Lizzie was with my best friend. You have to love a friend who calls and insists on watching your kid just to help you, even though she has a yucky cold, which she will most certainly pass on to her children. Thanks Sheena! After that home for naps and rest for mommy. Lizzie did not nap. She is on a medication for a cold that makes her extremely hyper and needless to say she sat in her bed two hours today and did not sleep one wink. I went in a few times to check on her and kept telling her, "You need to sleep sweetie." Well, she did not and our day went accordingly. At 4:30 I talked to Todd and mistakenly interpreted that he would be home soon. (Yeah) Well, at 5:30 I called again and was told he was not even leaving for 20 minutes. I had been telling myself, "it will be over soon. Daddy will be home and he will help and life will be better." Dinner was almost done. Lizzie was running around like the drugged up kid she is and I was on the brink. Well, when he told me he was not leaving for 20 more minutes I broke down. I immediately told him I had to go. I was not mad at him. It really was both of our faults. He did not give me all the info about what he had to do until he came home, but I also should never assume. So, when I hung up with him. I just cried. I sat there holding Lizzie, stirring taco meat, crying. We made it through till dad came home and when he came home mommy had to leave. I just needed some alone time. It got me thinking. Life is often made up of these moments. And I appreciate so much when other moms, normal, healthy, good, moms let me know about those moments in their lives. Often when I am in those moments I feel like they will never end and like I am such a mess. And like my kids are going to be scarred and turn out horrible. But then I see other families and I realize that despite the chaos things really can be ok. My kids, thankfully enough, have the option of having their messy lives redeemed by the God who created us. And I am ever grateful for that and for the chance I have to turn to him as well. I left the house and cried in the car. I cried and prayed and went shopping. And when I came home I felt better. I have to say that when I walked in the door the house was clean, dishes done and Lizzie was bathed. That did help with the feeling better part. ( I have an amazing husband.) But it helps me to remember I don't have to be perfect. God loves me and Jesus Christ can redeem my broken chaos. For that and for weight watchers ice cream I am leaving you grateful!