Plans of the heart

We received word on Friday, of last week, from our agency. It turns out that when I read the original email I misunderstood it just a bit. The agency was not really saying they may not work with us. More or less they were afraid the Ethiopian government may turn us down. (That does not really sound much better, does it?) Well, either way. We received word that with a few changes in our home study wording we have a better chance of being approved. So our wonderful social worker is again changing our home study. For like the 20th time. She is a trooper though!

But I am reminded of how faithful God is to orchestrate every detail. We had reason to believe we would probably hear from our agency on Friday. And since the moment I woke up on Friday morning I was checking my email about every five minutes. And at 8:00 am ish my sister in law called and asked if I could watch my one year old nephew for the day. I agreed and shortly after my best friend called and said she had to go the the ER and asked if I could watch her four year old daughter. So on Friday I had four kids under the age of four and no time to check my email. But I really do believe it was God's sovereignty. I needed busy hands and a busy heart so I could not stress and worry about the outcome. And we did receive the email on Friday and it was good news. We now have no reason to believe that the Ethiopian government would turn us down.

So through all of this God is constantly reminding me that this is in His hands. And as crazy as it seems I still doubt that on some moments. I caught myself the other day in a furry of thoughts that lead to me thinking that we were gonna end up with some kid that God never intended us to have. I quickly took that thought captive and gave my fears to the Lord. And today the Lord so faithfully spoke to me in His word and reminded me that He does indeed have this all under control.

Proverbs 16:1
" To man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue."

Proverbs 16:33
" The lot is cast into the lap but its every decision is from the Lord."

What the future holds

I have been thinking about the things that I desire for my life. Lately my mind has been so occupied with the things that I forget to take in the moments. Many of the "things" are good, wonderful, excellent things, but when I turn my eyes upon those and focus on them instead of the Lord I am unhappy and discontent.
So today I want to say thank you to the Lord. Thank you for taking control of my life and comforting me even in the hard times. Thank you for leading me and directing my path.
From the first moments I can remember thinking about my future I always wanted to be a mom and wife. It was so strong and the desire was so real. I wondered if it would ever be. I worried that for some reason God would give me the exact opposite of every thing I desired. (I am not sure where that thought comes from). I thought I may never get married and therefore live my life as a single, christian spinster.
I remember when I was about 17 years old I was in a season of life where I was making tough decisions. (College, majors and etc.) I was really anxious and filled with so much doubt about what the future may hold. One day God spoke so clearly to me through the Bible. It was like he wrote this verse specifically for me. 1st John 4:16-18 And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us, God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (NIV) That verse brought so much peace to me. It reminded me that the God that I am trusting with the future loves me and cares for me.
That was almost 10 years ago. Over the past 10 years my dreams have come true. I was blessed to marry a wonderful man and we were blessed with two beautiful children. Every day of the past 10 years was not easy. Everything did not happen the way I hoped or wished. But I am so thankful that God did not do everything my way. And I think back to the fears and worries I held onto 10 years ago and I want to go back and tell that young woman to trust. I want to tell her to let go of her fears and rely on God. He will take care of you. No matter what the future holds.
I want to tell that young woman that and yet today I find that same young woman alive and well in me. I find myself worrying and struggling to control the future. I find myself full of fear and thinking that the worst will be what comes about. Why is it so easy for me to forget? Why do I think that the God who controlled and comforted me in the past will abandon me in the future?
I would like to tell you that I will stop. I would like to say that I am full of faith and hope for the future. Sometimes I am. Some days are good. But some days I am still so full of fear and doubt. I cling to those fears and worries like a life raft. It is easier if I live one moment at a time. So in this moment, I am thankful. I am content. I am trusting. I am hoping. I am believing. I am praising my creator and clinging to Him. And in those moments He reminds me that even while I cling to my false life savers he holds me and leads me. He is faithful even when I am not. I am relying on His love.