1st Corinthians 13 has become known as the wedding verse. It has been read at countless weddings. And I think it is with good intentions. After all God is the creator of love. He, of all people, would know how to do it well. And although that verse is read at a lot of weddings, I do not see it being lived out in many marriages.
I was challenged yesterday as I listened to a radio broadcast to think of what I would want my husband to say, many years in the future, if he were to give the Eulogy at my funeral.
My mind went to 1st Corinthians 13. As I read these verses though I was more struck at how much I am not like this at all when it comes to my marriage.
1st Corinthians 13: 4-7
" Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
The very beginning strikes a cord in me. Am I patient? Sure I would say. But am I patient even when I feel like Todd is not listening to me? Am I patient when I feel like he has forgotten to do what I asked him to? Am I patient when I ask him to take out the trash and he does not do it the moment I want it done? I am not. I am patient as long as he does things in my timetable. I am patient as long as he is patient with me. But love it says is patient. No patient if. No patient if they deserve it, patient if they earn it, patient if you feel like it. Love is patient.
Am I kind? Sure. Most of the time. But do I speak with kindness and love if I feel hurt? Do I speak to him with tones that are kind when he is not acting how I want him to? Do I treat him with the kindness I do to total strangers. Sadly many times I am more kind to the grocery store clerk than my own husband. Love is kind. Love is kind. I want to love.
Love does not envy. How many days do I think about how good someone else has it? Or wish that Todd did this or that. (Insert wishful thinking for whatever here) Love does not envy.
Love does not boast. How many times have I told him that he should do something this way or that. I know the best way to bathe the kids or feed them. My way is better than his, right? Love does not boast.
Love is not proud. Love does not think it has the best way. My way is not the best way. My way is simply different and love would not act like it has everything figured out.
Love is not rude. Have I ever been rude to Todd? Sadly more times than I want to admit. I find myself being more rude to him than anyone else in the whole world many days. But I justify it as just being real with him. I am just being honest about how I feel, right? Love is not rude.
Love is not self-seeking. Do I seek his best interest in everything? Do I even seek his best interest in most things? I am not sure I do. I am, in fact, sure I do not.
Love is not easily angered. How many days is my fuse very short with him? I blame him most of the time. Doesn't he get what I am feeling. Doesn't he understand me at all? Does it matter? Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. Ouch. This one stings. How many times have I replayed something he has done that hurt me? How many times do I remember his faults and quickly point out how often he does a particular thing? Love keeps no record.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love cares about truth. Truth is Jesus Christ. Truth is the word of God. Do I side with God's word? Do I rejoice when God is given glory? Do I rejoice when Todd obeys the Lord even when it costs me something? Ouch. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects. Do I protect my husband? Do I protect his reputation by the way I speak about him? Or do I let it slip to my girl-friend how wounded I am over what he did last night? After all I need to vent, right? Love always protects. Always.
Love always trusts. Do I trust Todd? Yes. Do I always trust his judgement? Do I always side with him when battling over something with the kids? Do I trust that he is wise and has our families best interest at heart? I want to. But so many times I find myself thinking I have a better way and if he would just listen to me. But love always trusts.
Love always hopes. Do I hope that things will get better when things are dark? Do I hope that he will make wise choices? Do I hope our marriage will be thriving and wonderful? I do but many times I find my hope wavering. Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres. The reality is marriage is not always easy. Our relationship is not always fun and filled with life. But love perseveres. Love perseveres when things are rough. Love perseveres when my spouse makes a bad decision. Love always perseveres. Sadly, I do not.
I am sorry Todd. I know we have had a very good marriage. But I look at this verse and it does not describe me. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I do not always love you. You are good man. You are deserving of my trust in your judgement. You are deserving of my protection of your character. You love me so well. And many times you love me much more than I deserve and much more than I love you in return. You do not deserve the brunt of my bad days or crazy hormones. Forgive me for not loving you wholly and completely. And thank you because I already know that you are far more willing to forgive me than I am willing to forgive you. Thank you for being a man of integrity and honor and for seeking after the truth of Jesus Christ.
Many people might look at this verse and say it is impossible to always do all these things. You may be right. In our state of brokenness and in our fallen world we will never love perfectly as our heavenly father has loved us.
But at the end of my days I want for my husband to be able to say that I tried. And so I want to give God my brokenness and ask Him to redeem. I want to give Him my strength and willingness to love Todd and ask Him for His strength and willingness to love Todd.
2nd Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
More
So in the past three years or so, our family has been surrounded by marriages that have or are crumbling. We have had very dear and close friends divorce. Some have been very sudden and seem to have come from out of the blue. We have been heartbroken on more than one occasion. There have been times when we literally have had our hearts ripped from our chest by the news of someone close separating. We hurt and ache for those around us. We know God's plan for marriage was never supposed to be this way. We struggle to know how to help. How can we encourage the marriages around us?
It seems like we have more access to resources than ever before. There are more books being written on the subject of marriage than ever. With the internet, facebook, texting, down loadable sermons and more people have more access to the knowledge than they ever did in the past. Yet marriages are still crumbling at an ever increasing rate. There is more knowledge and still more divorce.
In my cries to God, it seems that He has answered that there are two things we need more of. The answer is not more books, more sermons, more counseling, more knowledge. All of those things are fine in and of themselves. And I have been genuinely helped on more than one occasion by all of those. But the real answer. The real depth and longing of our hearts and our families is for more of God and deeper community.
Our families need more of the living breathing active Lord. We need His spirits fire to come in our homes. We need to beg for God's presence. We need to beg that He forgive our sinful, wretched hearts and fill them with Himself. Without Him no sermon, no book, no formula will transform our families. Nothing can redeem and restore what was once broken like God. Some of the marriages around us seem beyond hope. They seem like nothing could make them new again. But I am reminded of a group of people. A group of men and women who were broken and beaten. A group who were sinful and filled with regret. In the book of Acts the second chapter we are told of such a group of men and women. About 120. They were followers of Jesus. Jesus Christ had just recently been crucified. All of those around him fled when he needed them. Peter, his closest friend, denied that he even knew him. These were a group of rejects. They had no hope of any good coming from their lives. They had no hope of anything good coming from what had happened. But they sat together and prayed and waited upon the Lord. And the Holy Spirit came with wind and fire and filled each of them. In verse 41 we are told that 3,000 people came to follow Christ that day. It was not because of the knowledge that people came that day. It was not an eloquent sermon. It was not a really good book. The living, active, working God came and showed Himself. And people were changed. Lives were changed. Marriages, families, homes were restored. People were redeemed. We need more of God. He is the answer.
And He created us to need eachother. We need more real and honest community. Not just seeing each other in church on Sunday. Not just putting on a smile and pretending we are all fine. Obviously we are not. When the rate of divorce within the church is higher than the rate of divorce outside the church we are not fine. Chances are that half of all families that are sitting in church on Sunday will be separated by divorce at some point. We are not ok. Lets be real with each other. We need to be honest. And we need to beg God to work of behalf of one another.
I am not sure what this looks like exactly. But the truth is without God and without each other our families, marriages and lives will continue to crumble. Will you join the revolution? Will you beg God to work in your life? Will you beg God to teach you how to be a better husband, a better wife, a better mom or dad? Will you be open and honest with a few trusted friends about your struggles and joys?
God~
Forgive me for seeking myself. Forgive me for caring more about my desires, my needs, my plans than yours, forgive my complacency, forgive my wandering heart. I am sorry that I spent so long seeking anything but you. Please fill my life with your presence. Please fill me with a desire to do your will. Please fill me with a longing for more of you. Help me not become comfortable with getting just a little of your spirit. Help me to learn to love Todd the way he needs. Forgive me for being selfish and caring more about my needs than his. Teach me to love him. Teach me to love my children. Help us to create genuine community with those around us. Help us to be honest and to share the truth with those we care about. Let your spirit come and fill me. Let your spirit come and fill our home and our family and teach us to do your will. Please come and renew this generation. Please send a revival in our churches, in our homes and let us have new hope. Thank you that despite my selfishness you still seek me and call to me. Thank you that you redeem even the worst of lives. You are the hope. You are our only hope.
In Jesus name I pray.
Amen.
It seems like we have more access to resources than ever before. There are more books being written on the subject of marriage than ever. With the internet, facebook, texting, down loadable sermons and more people have more access to the knowledge than they ever did in the past. Yet marriages are still crumbling at an ever increasing rate. There is more knowledge and still more divorce.
In my cries to God, it seems that He has answered that there are two things we need more of. The answer is not more books, more sermons, more counseling, more knowledge. All of those things are fine in and of themselves. And I have been genuinely helped on more than one occasion by all of those. But the real answer. The real depth and longing of our hearts and our families is for more of God and deeper community.
Our families need more of the living breathing active Lord. We need His spirits fire to come in our homes. We need to beg for God's presence. We need to beg that He forgive our sinful, wretched hearts and fill them with Himself. Without Him no sermon, no book, no formula will transform our families. Nothing can redeem and restore what was once broken like God. Some of the marriages around us seem beyond hope. They seem like nothing could make them new again. But I am reminded of a group of people. A group of men and women who were broken and beaten. A group who were sinful and filled with regret. In the book of Acts the second chapter we are told of such a group of men and women. About 120. They were followers of Jesus. Jesus Christ had just recently been crucified. All of those around him fled when he needed them. Peter, his closest friend, denied that he even knew him. These were a group of rejects. They had no hope of any good coming from their lives. They had no hope of anything good coming from what had happened. But they sat together and prayed and waited upon the Lord. And the Holy Spirit came with wind and fire and filled each of them. In verse 41 we are told that 3,000 people came to follow Christ that day. It was not because of the knowledge that people came that day. It was not an eloquent sermon. It was not a really good book. The living, active, working God came and showed Himself. And people were changed. Lives were changed. Marriages, families, homes were restored. People were redeemed. We need more of God. He is the answer.
And He created us to need eachother. We need more real and honest community. Not just seeing each other in church on Sunday. Not just putting on a smile and pretending we are all fine. Obviously we are not. When the rate of divorce within the church is higher than the rate of divorce outside the church we are not fine. Chances are that half of all families that are sitting in church on Sunday will be separated by divorce at some point. We are not ok. Lets be real with each other. We need to be honest. And we need to beg God to work of behalf of one another.
I am not sure what this looks like exactly. But the truth is without God and without each other our families, marriages and lives will continue to crumble. Will you join the revolution? Will you beg God to work in your life? Will you beg God to teach you how to be a better husband, a better wife, a better mom or dad? Will you be open and honest with a few trusted friends about your struggles and joys?
God~
Forgive me for seeking myself. Forgive me for caring more about my desires, my needs, my plans than yours, forgive my complacency, forgive my wandering heart. I am sorry that I spent so long seeking anything but you. Please fill my life with your presence. Please fill me with a desire to do your will. Please fill me with a longing for more of you. Help me not become comfortable with getting just a little of your spirit. Help me to learn to love Todd the way he needs. Forgive me for being selfish and caring more about my needs than his. Teach me to love him. Teach me to love my children. Help us to create genuine community with those around us. Help us to be honest and to share the truth with those we care about. Let your spirit come and fill me. Let your spirit come and fill our home and our family and teach us to do your will. Please come and renew this generation. Please send a revival in our churches, in our homes and let us have new hope. Thank you that despite my selfishness you still seek me and call to me. Thank you that you redeem even the worst of lives. You are the hope. You are our only hope.
In Jesus name I pray.
Amen.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Lead Me
The following are lyrics to a song.
The video can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc&ob=av2n
Sanctus Real- Lead Me
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying
"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?"
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone.
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them
"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?"
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
When I hear that song it makes me cry. I cry because I see so many families broken. I see so many men who are too busy chasing their own desires and their own dreams to see that their families are hurting and need them. I see men who would rather spend their nights drinking and partying than home with wives who are desperate for them. I see men who are so busy building their careers that they never make time to spend with their kids. I cry.
But I have hope. There are some men who are crying out to lead.
I have one. I have a man who works 9-10 hour days but comes home in time for dinner. I can tell from the look in his eyes that the one thing he would love would be a hot shower and to sit on the couch and do nothing. But he comes home and gets on the floor and plays with our babies. He builds blocks or becomes a human trampoline. He doesn't always want to. But he does it. He puts aside his own desires and does what we need. My man dreams big dreams. He has goals and desires. But he always surrenders his plans to what God wants for our family. He does not forge ahead like he is the only one. He leads us. He is so eager to follow the voice of God. And many times it means the things he loves get put a little on the back burner. I am proud to be lead by Him. I am thankful that he cares enough to do it.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
TIME
One of my favorite things about Todd is that he values time. When he gets together with a friend he could spend 5-6 hours just talking with them. Time spent with someone is very valuable to him.
Over the course of our life together we have had many different seasons. There was our season of dating when we spent very little time alone together. We were both busy with school, jobs and ministry. There were times after we were married that were extremely hard as well. When we bought our first house we completely gutted every room. Todd would work during the day and then work on our house late into the evening. Sometimes he would work until 2-3 am and then get back up and do it all again. Those seasons were hard, but they have been few.
When we had a family Todd made a commitment to spend time with me and our kids. Quality time cannot be planned. Quality time is quantity time. We can make the best plans to spend a grand day with our children, but then one is crabby or sick and the time is ruined. If that moment was the only one planned in a week it would be lost.
Todd has a lot of things that can demand his attention. He is self employed in the home remodeling business. He is extremely gifted and has plenty of people pulling at his time. He could work 90 hours a week. He has had seasons where he was forced to work many hours at a time, but those are rare. He has made a commitment to be home with us for dinner on most nights. I heard a speaker once say he interviewed some men around 50- 60 years old. These men were in in different professions, but all very successful. The speaker asked each one if they had any regrets in their life. Without fail, every man said he wished he has spent more time with his family. Amazingly all of those men had achieved worldly success, but they all realized they had missed out on something more valuable.
Todd focuses on the things that are most valuable and for that I am thankful. Even seemingly good, valuable worthy things can sometimes draw a man away from his family. Work, ministry, hobbies, sports, and friends can all be good healthy involvements. But when a man sacrifices his wife and children for these things it can be destructive.
That does not mean that Todd does not work hard. He works extremely hard. And that does not mean that he does not have friends or hobbies. He has friends, but the time he spends with those friends has to be much more focused and intentional now. And we both have a huge heart for doing ministry. But in this season of our life our ministry is much more about connecting personally and loving on friends and family than it is about being a part of a specific ministry.
Life has seasons. But we only have one life. Our children are only young once. I am so thankful for a husband who is there to share life and mold them with me.
LOVE STORY part 6
Over the course of our life together we have had many different seasons. There was our season of dating when we spent very little time alone together. We were both busy with school, jobs and ministry. There were times after we were married that were extremely hard as well. When we bought our first house we completely gutted every room. Todd would work during the day and then work on our house late into the evening. Sometimes he would work until 2-3 am and then get back up and do it all again. Those seasons were hard, but they have been few.
When we had a family Todd made a commitment to spend time with me and our kids. Quality time cannot be planned. Quality time is quantity time. We can make the best plans to spend a grand day with our children, but then one is crabby or sick and the time is ruined. If that moment was the only one planned in a week it would be lost.
Todd has a lot of things that can demand his attention. He is self employed in the home remodeling business. He is extremely gifted and has plenty of people pulling at his time. He could work 90 hours a week. He has had seasons where he was forced to work many hours at a time, but those are rare. He has made a commitment to be home with us for dinner on most nights. I heard a speaker once say he interviewed some men around 50- 60 years old. These men were in in different professions, but all very successful. The speaker asked each one if they had any regrets in their life. Without fail, every man said he wished he has spent more time with his family. Amazingly all of those men had achieved worldly success, but they all realized they had missed out on something more valuable.
Todd focuses on the things that are most valuable and for that I am thankful. Even seemingly good, valuable worthy things can sometimes draw a man away from his family. Work, ministry, hobbies, sports, and friends can all be good healthy involvements. But when a man sacrifices his wife and children for these things it can be destructive.
That does not mean that Todd does not work hard. He works extremely hard. And that does not mean that he does not have friends or hobbies. He has friends, but the time he spends with those friends has to be much more focused and intentional now. And we both have a huge heart for doing ministry. But in this season of our life our ministry is much more about connecting personally and loving on friends and family than it is about being a part of a specific ministry.
Life has seasons. But we only have one life. Our children are only young once. I am so thankful for a husband who is there to share life and mold them with me.
LOVE STORY part 6
Letter to myself
If I could I would write a letter to myself 6 years ago and give it to me on the night before my wedding here is what I would say...
Dear Jessica-
You are about to marry a man that you love deeply. I know that you feel so much excitement and hope for the future, but here are some things I want you to know.
1. You will not always feel in love.
Marriage is hard. Your feelings of exhilarition will not last. You will have moments when you do not feel like you even like this man you are married to. You will feel like giving up. You will feel like things will never get better. Hold on. Continue to choose to love and respect him. Do things that remind him of your love. Do special things for him even if you do not feel it. For some reason when you choose to love him, despite how you feel, your feelings change. And somewhere along the road you will realize you love him more deeply and completely than you ever thought possible.
2. You are so different from eachother.
You know men and women are different, but you still imagine that he somehow thinks like you. He does not. He thinks so differently from you that sometimes it will blow your mind. Your mind is so much like spagetthi. Everything in your life runs into the other and you can easily shift in a conversation from one noodle to the next. He is like a waffle. He has all these nice little boxes that everything in his life fits into. Think about it like this... You are having a conversation about something going wrong with the car and then quickly throw in that you have dinner plans for Saturday and then Saturday arrives and he acts like he has no clue that you had dinner plans. You will get mad. You will think he was not listening. He was listening, but he was in the box of the car and trying to wrap his brain around a solution. He was not being malicious. He was not being mean. He was trying to help you with the car. He cannot shift as quickly from one box to another. The sooner you figure this out, the easier both of your lives will be. He is not stupid. Do not mistake his unique wiring for stupidity. You will be thankful for his way of thinking many times in your life. He will be your rock when your plate of spaghetti is overflowing. He will help you sort through your mess one issue at a time. You will find yourself coming to him over and over because his way of thinking is so helpful.
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
He is a much better man than you even know. He is so full of integrity and genuine love for you. When you are having a conversation with him and he says something that you find offensive, stop and tell him. Ask him what he meant. Chances are he meant something much more kind and loving than the way you took it. He will try to avoid making you upset at all costs, so chances are he will not say something to hurt you intentionally.
4. Sex will get so much better.
In the beginning it will be akward. And it will hurt. It will not be that enjoyable for you. You need to share your feelings. He cares genuinely for how you feel and enjoys sex so much more when you enjoy it with him. You need to talk about sex. You should not be afraid to share with him the things that you like and the things that you dislike. Over time the two of you will learn eachother and believe me it will be soooo enjoyable. ;)
5. Trust Him
The two of you will not always agree with eachother. There will be times in life when you are both wanting to go down different paths. He values your opionion. Share it with him. Share it without whining and he will listen. He will not always agree, but you should submit to him. He will not always make the perfect decision. But he is a good man. He loves the Lord with all of his heart and he genuinely wants to lead your family down the right path. Submit and know that when you do, you are not only showing Todd that you trust him, but you are showing God that you trust Him. Todd may make mistakes, but your heavenly father will never forsake you. And more times than not you will find that Todd made the right decision.
6. Choose your children last.
Today you have no concept of the beautiful gifts that God will bring in the form of your children. But when you have them, be careful to choose your husband before them. Choose your marriage before your kids. It sounds good on paper, but practically it is hard to do. It will be hard to leave your children with a sitter. It will be even harder to leave them overnight or for a weekend. Do it anyway. You will be amazed at how good it will be for you and how healthy your marriage will be when you do. Todd will be with you long after those children are grown and gone. And your children will be ok. They will actually thrive when they know that mommy and daddy love one another.
7. Be quick to apologize.
You are going to say things that you never imagined you could say to the man you love. You are going to be rude to him. You are going to neglect him. You are going to be selfish. You are going to do a lot of things that you should not. Be quick to tell him you are sorry. You will be surprised at how willing to forgive you he is. He will offer you so much more grace than you deserve. Tell him when you are wrong. And tell him quickly. Do not let the night pass. It will make it worse. Do not let your pride keep you from reconciling. You will regret it every time that you do.
You have so much to learn over these next few years. Ultimately I want you to know that you need God much more than you think you do. He will be the rock that sustains you when your marriage is hard. He will be your comfort and the gentle reminder to come back to your husband. He is a good God and he has blessed you tremendously with a good man. Thank Him. Praise Him. Love Him and learn to love your husband more and more.
Dear Jessica-
You are about to marry a man that you love deeply. I know that you feel so much excitement and hope for the future, but here are some things I want you to know.
1. You will not always feel in love.
Marriage is hard. Your feelings of exhilarition will not last. You will have moments when you do not feel like you even like this man you are married to. You will feel like giving up. You will feel like things will never get better. Hold on. Continue to choose to love and respect him. Do things that remind him of your love. Do special things for him even if you do not feel it. For some reason when you choose to love him, despite how you feel, your feelings change. And somewhere along the road you will realize you love him more deeply and completely than you ever thought possible.
2. You are so different from eachother.
You know men and women are different, but you still imagine that he somehow thinks like you. He does not. He thinks so differently from you that sometimes it will blow your mind. Your mind is so much like spagetthi. Everything in your life runs into the other and you can easily shift in a conversation from one noodle to the next. He is like a waffle. He has all these nice little boxes that everything in his life fits into. Think about it like this... You are having a conversation about something going wrong with the car and then quickly throw in that you have dinner plans for Saturday and then Saturday arrives and he acts like he has no clue that you had dinner plans. You will get mad. You will think he was not listening. He was listening, but he was in the box of the car and trying to wrap his brain around a solution. He was not being malicious. He was not being mean. He was trying to help you with the car. He cannot shift as quickly from one box to another. The sooner you figure this out, the easier both of your lives will be. He is not stupid. Do not mistake his unique wiring for stupidity. You will be thankful for his way of thinking many times in your life. He will be your rock when your plate of spaghetti is overflowing. He will help you sort through your mess one issue at a time. You will find yourself coming to him over and over because his way of thinking is so helpful.
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
He is a much better man than you even know. He is so full of integrity and genuine love for you. When you are having a conversation with him and he says something that you find offensive, stop and tell him. Ask him what he meant. Chances are he meant something much more kind and loving than the way you took it. He will try to avoid making you upset at all costs, so chances are he will not say something to hurt you intentionally.
4. Sex will get so much better.
In the beginning it will be akward. And it will hurt. It will not be that enjoyable for you. You need to share your feelings. He cares genuinely for how you feel and enjoys sex so much more when you enjoy it with him. You need to talk about sex. You should not be afraid to share with him the things that you like and the things that you dislike. Over time the two of you will learn eachother and believe me it will be soooo enjoyable. ;)
5. Trust Him
The two of you will not always agree with eachother. There will be times in life when you are both wanting to go down different paths. He values your opionion. Share it with him. Share it without whining and he will listen. He will not always agree, but you should submit to him. He will not always make the perfect decision. But he is a good man. He loves the Lord with all of his heart and he genuinely wants to lead your family down the right path. Submit and know that when you do, you are not only showing Todd that you trust him, but you are showing God that you trust Him. Todd may make mistakes, but your heavenly father will never forsake you. And more times than not you will find that Todd made the right decision.
6. Choose your children last.
Today you have no concept of the beautiful gifts that God will bring in the form of your children. But when you have them, be careful to choose your husband before them. Choose your marriage before your kids. It sounds good on paper, but practically it is hard to do. It will be hard to leave your children with a sitter. It will be even harder to leave them overnight or for a weekend. Do it anyway. You will be amazed at how good it will be for you and how healthy your marriage will be when you do. Todd will be with you long after those children are grown and gone. And your children will be ok. They will actually thrive when they know that mommy and daddy love one another.
7. Be quick to apologize.
You are going to say things that you never imagined you could say to the man you love. You are going to be rude to him. You are going to neglect him. You are going to be selfish. You are going to do a lot of things that you should not. Be quick to tell him you are sorry. You will be surprised at how willing to forgive you he is. He will offer you so much more grace than you deserve. Tell him when you are wrong. And tell him quickly. Do not let the night pass. It will make it worse. Do not let your pride keep you from reconciling. You will regret it every time that you do.
You have so much to learn over these next few years. Ultimately I want you to know that you need God much more than you think you do. He will be the rock that sustains you when your marriage is hard. He will be your comfort and the gentle reminder to come back to your husband. He is a good God and he has blessed you tremendously with a good man. Thank Him. Praise Him. Love Him and learn to love your husband more and more.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Hedge of Protection
I heard an author speaking about a book he had written about protecting your marriage. The idea of the book was that all marriages are in danger of infidelity. The good marriage is one where the husband and wife both create hedges around their marriage to protect each other.
In all honesty I do not think most people set out to have an affair. I think affairs happen when someone is vulnerable and hurting and does not have proper boundaries. All of a sudden an innocent friendship turns into something more. It is not planned, but it is not an accident.
I am thankful that I have a husband who protects me and has created hedges around our marriage to keep us safe. Here are some things he does to protect me...
He is never alone for a meeting, meal, recreational time with another woman outside of family.
This means he does not meet a female friend for lunch. He does not plan alone time with another woman for any purpose. Now this particular one is tricky. He is self employed in home remodeling. So that means there are moments when he is working at a home when the wife may be the only one home. It is almost unavoidable in his business. For us that has been ok. But he always tells me where he is and I have the right to say no to anything that makes me uncomfortable. There was a time last year when he was supposed to meet a customer at Home Depot to pick out some tile. The customer was female and they would have been alone. In some cases that is ok with me. Often many of his customers are older couples and that would not bother me very much. But this particular customer was younger. I told him I was uncomfortable, so he called the customer back and made arrangements for her to pick out the tile and him to pick it up later. Was it awkward for him? I am sure. But he loves me enough to protect me and our marriage.
He never talks about being attracted to another woman (Even jokingly)
I have heard other guys make comments about finding particular actresses hot. Todd never makes light of pointing out other women. I do not think it is healthy and it certainly does not make the wife feel secure when a man finds other woman attractive and makes it a point to tell his wife. In the book about protecting your marriage the author tells a story about two young christian couples who spent a lot time together. The husband from couple one and wife from couple two often made a joke about finding the other attractive and leaving their spouses for one another. It was seemingly innocent enough, but eventually one came to the other and asked if they were serious. They ended up divorcing their spouses and marrying each other. That marriage did not last either. Todd protects me by keeping his attention and eyes focused on me.
This includes pornography. Many, many men in our society view pornography. Some say they find nothing wrong with it. I was in a video store one day and while I was looking for a movie an older man walked by me. His eyes caught mine. I had a hunch he was headed for the porn section. When his eyes caught mine, he quickly changed direction and stood for a few moments looking at some movie. He did not continue on to the porn section until I looked away. People say they find nothing wrong with it. But I think deep down they do. I think deep down they know that it is damaging to their own souls and their marriage. And it is. When a man views pornography he is setting his spouse up to compare to something unattainable. A real woman cannot compare with those airbrushed figures. And she should not have to try.
I am thankful that Todd keeps his eyes for me alone.
I am thankful that I am married to such a good man. A man who protects me and our marriage.
For Love Story part 5
**** So in writing this I had a thought that some people may think I am being judgemental towards them or that we have a perfect marriage and perfect life. We do not have a perfect marriage. We have had struggles and conflicts. Maybe some day we can share those with some of you. Most of those struggles are not easy to share in a public forum. So I will not. I have learned that it is so much easier to look at the negative things in our spouse. So I have made it a point to say things about my husband that are uplifting. So many women in our society talk extremely negative about their spouse. I have been guilty of that many times. My plan is to never say things that are not uplifting about Todd. There are moments when I genuinely need to share struggles in our marriage with someone. In those times I choose (carefully) a trusted friend who will fight for my marriage. In those times I need to be careful to share with someone who loves and respects my husband. It is easy for someone to look down on your spouse and bash them with you and in the moment it vindicates you and helps you feel better momentarily. I do not ever want to make our struggles about airing our dirty laundry. I am thankful that I have friends who are quick to mourn with me when I am sad, but also careful to correct me when I am not respecting my husband.
In all honesty I do not think most people set out to have an affair. I think affairs happen when someone is vulnerable and hurting and does not have proper boundaries. All of a sudden an innocent friendship turns into something more. It is not planned, but it is not an accident.
I am thankful that I have a husband who protects me and has created hedges around our marriage to keep us safe. Here are some things he does to protect me...
He is never alone for a meeting, meal, recreational time with another woman outside of family.
This means he does not meet a female friend for lunch. He does not plan alone time with another woman for any purpose. Now this particular one is tricky. He is self employed in home remodeling. So that means there are moments when he is working at a home when the wife may be the only one home. It is almost unavoidable in his business. For us that has been ok. But he always tells me where he is and I have the right to say no to anything that makes me uncomfortable. There was a time last year when he was supposed to meet a customer at Home Depot to pick out some tile. The customer was female and they would have been alone. In some cases that is ok with me. Often many of his customers are older couples and that would not bother me very much. But this particular customer was younger. I told him I was uncomfortable, so he called the customer back and made arrangements for her to pick out the tile and him to pick it up later. Was it awkward for him? I am sure. But he loves me enough to protect me and our marriage.
He never talks about being attracted to another woman (Even jokingly)
I have heard other guys make comments about finding particular actresses hot. Todd never makes light of pointing out other women. I do not think it is healthy and it certainly does not make the wife feel secure when a man finds other woman attractive and makes it a point to tell his wife. In the book about protecting your marriage the author tells a story about two young christian couples who spent a lot time together. The husband from couple one and wife from couple two often made a joke about finding the other attractive and leaving their spouses for one another. It was seemingly innocent enough, but eventually one came to the other and asked if they were serious. They ended up divorcing their spouses and marrying each other. That marriage did not last either. Todd protects me by keeping his attention and eyes focused on me.
This includes pornography. Many, many men in our society view pornography. Some say they find nothing wrong with it. I was in a video store one day and while I was looking for a movie an older man walked by me. His eyes caught mine. I had a hunch he was headed for the porn section. When his eyes caught mine, he quickly changed direction and stood for a few moments looking at some movie. He did not continue on to the porn section until I looked away. People say they find nothing wrong with it. But I think deep down they do. I think deep down they know that it is damaging to their own souls and their marriage. And it is. When a man views pornography he is setting his spouse up to compare to something unattainable. A real woman cannot compare with those airbrushed figures. And she should not have to try.
I am thankful that Todd keeps his eyes for me alone.
I am thankful that I am married to such a good man. A man who protects me and our marriage.
For Love Story part 5
**** So in writing this I had a thought that some people may think I am being judgemental towards them or that we have a perfect marriage and perfect life. We do not have a perfect marriage. We have had struggles and conflicts. Maybe some day we can share those with some of you. Most of those struggles are not easy to share in a public forum. So I will not. I have learned that it is so much easier to look at the negative things in our spouse. So I have made it a point to say things about my husband that are uplifting. So many women in our society talk extremely negative about their spouse. I have been guilty of that many times. My plan is to never say things that are not uplifting about Todd. There are moments when I genuinely need to share struggles in our marriage with someone. In those times I choose (carefully) a trusted friend who will fight for my marriage. In those times I need to be careful to share with someone who loves and respects my husband. It is easy for someone to look down on your spouse and bash them with you and in the moment it vindicates you and helps you feel better momentarily. I do not ever want to make our struggles about airing our dirty laundry. I am thankful that I have friends who are quick to mourn with me when I am sad, but also careful to correct me when I am not respecting my husband.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The D Word
When Todd and I got married we said directly in our vows, "I will never divorce you." We had a lot of reasons for doing that. But mostly it was about security and protection. We wanted the other person to know that no matter what failures, problems, issues arise, we will be there and we will be together.
Fast forward 6 years into marriage. We have had a lot of moments that were rough. We have had moments when one or both of us felt like it would be more simple to walk away than to stay and resolve it. But through it all he has never once even hinted that he was going to divorce me.
Some people may think that is not such a big deal, but for some reason, in our society today, it is a huge deal. I cannot tell you how many of our friends quickly resort to, "I think I want a divorce." In the heat of the moment those words can be used to wound, fight back, get revenge. They can hurt and tear apart if even if someone does not mean them. When someone says those words, the issues are no longer the discussion. All of a sudden it becomes a fight for survival. One person is left trying to hold on for dear life to their marriage and another suddenly has all the power.
I think that is what divorce has become. It has become power. If a fight or argument is going wrong one party simply has to utter those words and they are left holding all the chips.
It is sad. It is no way for a healthy, thriving marriage to exist. That is why I am so thankful that Todd has always given me the security and respect to never threaten those words. Those words have never been uttered within our marriage. Have they been thought? Probably. But never once have either of us spoken them to each other. In the heat of a moment you may feel like running. You may feel like things are too messed up, too hard to fix. But when divorce enters in the picture (even in word only) the situation gets 10 times more messed up.
I am so thankful that I am married to a man who protects me and offers me enough security so that I never have to worry, "Will he leave?" He offers me and our children the security and protection we need to thrive.
I am not passing judgement on anyone. I am not saying that everyone who divorced did so in the heat of a fight. I personally know many people who have fought long and hard for their marriage only to have it still end. My purpose is not to pass judgement or look down on anyone. I am simply pointing out that for some reason today many couples will use divorce as a weapon in a fight. It is not and should not be used lightly.
I am so thankful for a husband who protects me.
For Love Story Part 3.
Fast forward 6 years into marriage. We have had a lot of moments that were rough. We have had moments when one or both of us felt like it would be more simple to walk away than to stay and resolve it. But through it all he has never once even hinted that he was going to divorce me.
Some people may think that is not such a big deal, but for some reason, in our society today, it is a huge deal. I cannot tell you how many of our friends quickly resort to, "I think I want a divorce." In the heat of the moment those words can be used to wound, fight back, get revenge. They can hurt and tear apart if even if someone does not mean them. When someone says those words, the issues are no longer the discussion. All of a sudden it becomes a fight for survival. One person is left trying to hold on for dear life to their marriage and another suddenly has all the power.
I think that is what divorce has become. It has become power. If a fight or argument is going wrong one party simply has to utter those words and they are left holding all the chips.
It is sad. It is no way for a healthy, thriving marriage to exist. That is why I am so thankful that Todd has always given me the security and respect to never threaten those words. Those words have never been uttered within our marriage. Have they been thought? Probably. But never once have either of us spoken them to each other. In the heat of a moment you may feel like running. You may feel like things are too messed up, too hard to fix. But when divorce enters in the picture (even in word only) the situation gets 10 times more messed up.
I am so thankful that I am married to a man who protects me and offers me enough security so that I never have to worry, "Will he leave?" He offers me and our children the security and protection we need to thrive.
I am not passing judgement on anyone. I am not saying that everyone who divorced did so in the heat of a fight. I personally know many people who have fought long and hard for their marriage only to have it still end. My purpose is not to pass judgement or look down on anyone. I am simply pointing out that for some reason today many couples will use divorce as a weapon in a fight. It is not and should not be used lightly.
I am so thankful for a husband who protects me.
For Love Story Part 3.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wise One
So in honor of our 6th anniversary on May 7th, I want to share with you a little about my love of my life. For more of our love story read here...My plan is to post one thing every day that I love about him/ being married to him until that day arrives. Hopefully that works out.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Todd was that he was always searching for God. He really wanted to follow God and obey His word. He fought hard to follow God's way. And early on I noticed that he was really wise. When he offered advice to me during our friendship (pre-dating) it always seemed to be really wise advice. He continues to be a man of wisdom.
When he gives me direction, even when I do not think it is the best thing, I really listen. I don't follow him blindly or disobey the Lord, but he really is one of the wisest men I have ever known. He searches the scriptures and digs for the truth on issues. He is never content with just taking someones word for it. He has to see what God really says about something. He often gets really angry when verses of the Bible are used out of context. In his heart he wants people to see the truth and not blindly believe something because someone told them it was that way.
I love that I am married to a man who is committed to allowing God's word be the lamp to his feet.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Small blessings
I was definitely at the end of my rope a few weeks ago. I stated in a previous post all that was ensuing and there was more going on that I did not share, but one day I snapped. Not in a bad way. But I did. I called Todd and said we need to find a babysitter for Saturday night. I need some time without these kids and some time alone with you. We try to have date nights, but anyone with kids knows that sometimes it is so much work to go out without the kids that we just do not do it.
First you have to find a sitter.
Don't get me wrong. We have a number of wonderful, reliable people on hand who are more than willing to jump at the opportunity to watch our kids. Just last weekend we had to find a sitter for something. I asked one of my dearest friends and had three other friends ask me, after the fact, if they could babysit. One even wanted me to cancel the people I had asked because she said she wanted to do it so badly. So we have people willing to do it. People even desiring to do it. But often I feel bad for asking. I feel like we are taking away someones time and inconveniencing them. I am not sure why. I do not feel that way when I am asked to watch a friends child. But I just think like that.
Also I worry about the kids. They generally do really well with most of the people we have watch them, but there has been a time or two that went really poorly and resulted in us having to return home early because of something that was going on. In Claire's first year of life we rarely ever left her with anyone. She had occasional moments where she would stop breathing and choke. So she hardly ever left my side, even at night.
In would say there is a second reason but really the sitter thing is it.
In saying all of this I am trying to get to the point that I snapped and asked Todd for a night out. We found a sitter and quickly arranged for a nice time without kids. A few days later we found out that we were going to have the opportunity for four weekends in a row of date nights. We have been through two and this weekend we get a whole night alone with the kids. Elizabeth has been begging to sleep over at my moms and this weekend it worked out. Of course to my delight Elizabeth insisted that her sister come too. :) Yeah for a whole night alone with my hubby.
My point in all of this is that these date nights have really given me a boost. I have something to look forward to and the nights themselves have been so refreshing to me and our marriage.
But why as moms do we not take care of ourselves more? Why is it that I needed to snap to ask for some alone time? Why can't I just do that all the time? I don't know. But I do know this... anyone willing to babysit just need ask. I have a new attitude about date night.
First you have to find a sitter.
Don't get me wrong. We have a number of wonderful, reliable people on hand who are more than willing to jump at the opportunity to watch our kids. Just last weekend we had to find a sitter for something. I asked one of my dearest friends and had three other friends ask me, after the fact, if they could babysit. One even wanted me to cancel the people I had asked because she said she wanted to do it so badly. So we have people willing to do it. People even desiring to do it. But often I feel bad for asking. I feel like we are taking away someones time and inconveniencing them. I am not sure why. I do not feel that way when I am asked to watch a friends child. But I just think like that.
Also I worry about the kids. They generally do really well with most of the people we have watch them, but there has been a time or two that went really poorly and resulted in us having to return home early because of something that was going on. In Claire's first year of life we rarely ever left her with anyone. She had occasional moments where she would stop breathing and choke. So she hardly ever left my side, even at night.
In would say there is a second reason but really the sitter thing is it.
In saying all of this I am trying to get to the point that I snapped and asked Todd for a night out. We found a sitter and quickly arranged for a nice time without kids. A few days later we found out that we were going to have the opportunity for four weekends in a row of date nights. We have been through two and this weekend we get a whole night alone with the kids. Elizabeth has been begging to sleep over at my moms and this weekend it worked out. Of course to my delight Elizabeth insisted that her sister come too. :) Yeah for a whole night alone with my hubby.
My point in all of this is that these date nights have really given me a boost. I have something to look forward to and the nights themselves have been so refreshing to me and our marriage.
But why as moms do we not take care of ourselves more? Why is it that I needed to snap to ask for some alone time? Why can't I just do that all the time? I don't know. But I do know this... anyone willing to babysit just need ask. I have a new attitude about date night.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
PG 13
I want to preface this post by saying the things I am going to talk about are not going to be crude, but they are not intended for young eyes.
As I stated in some of my previous posts I want to state again that I am not an expert on marriage. I am just a woman who is learning as I go and wants to share some of those nuggets with you. Hopefully some of what I have learned will help you. So here goes:
I think that sex has been absolutely distorted in our culture. It is used and abused, but not taught in healthy ways. Sex is not a dirty thing. It was a gift, from God, given to man and woman to be expressed within marriage. Within the context of a healthy, thriving, loving, marriage relationship, sex is a blessing. With that being said I think that we have totally lost sight of the purpose and blessing of sex within our culture.
To the unmarried:
For one thing, if you are unmarried you ought not to be having sex. This is hot button topic. I know that many who will read this may be offended by it. And I know that the majority of Americans are not virgins on their wedding night and that means that most of those who read this have probably had sex outside of marriage. God clearly intended for sex to be within the context of a commited marriage. He states it very clearly in the Bible. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there most not even be a hint of sexual immorality..." (NIV) Over and over again we are given instructions on the proper context for sexual union. I think anyone who has had sex will agree that sex is not just a physical act. It can be distorted so much and someone can become so hardened by it that they treat it that way, but it is not. When you have sex with someone you are bearing your whole self to them. You are opening up your heart, your mind, and your body and allowing another person to become a part of you. When sex takes place between an unmarried man and woman that union and bond still exists, but the commitment and level of trust does not. Our society is so full of broken relationships, broken marriages and broken hearts and so much of it can be traced back to this topic. A man and woman unite and afterwards they part. More often than not, because of our unique differences, the man is able to move on and the woman is left feeling broken and alone and like she is missing something. She is. She gave herself to that man. And when he left she feels so bonded and connected to him still. This brokenness was not what God intended. He intended for sex to be shared between two people who trust one another and are committed for life. There is something so unique about this sin. It destroys someone in both spirit and body. 1st Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." (NIV)
With all of that being said, I need to say that there is hope. God offers grace to those who seek him. He restores the broken and hurting. I am not saying that sexual sin is worse than any other sin. My sin of anger or lying or resentment is just as powerful as any sexual sin, but sexual sin often has such greater and more far reaching consequences. 2nd Corinthians 4:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (NIV) If you have sinned in this way and want to seek forgiveness as the Lord. If you are still struggling and need help talk to a trusted Christian friend or your pastor.
To the married:
YOU OUGHT TO BE HAVING SEX. I know that for most men this particular commandment of God is pretty easy. They enjoy sex, crave sex, think about it and need it. Women also need sex and enjoy it, but it is on a whole different level. For a woman, particularly one with young children sex can feel like another thing on her "to do list." She knows she should be having sex. She knows her husband needs it. She knows he really wants to. But just to be honest more often than not by the end of the day she has prepared, served and cleaned up three meals, wiped butts and noses, did 5 or more loads of laundry, two or more loads of dishes, chauffered, worked, and tried to train young minds for life and rightousness. Frankly at the end of the day it takes all of her strength just to change into her nightgown and climb into bed. And then it happens. He catches a glimpse of her changing from her spit up stained sweats into some old tshirt and he gets instantly attracted. (On a side note, ladies if we stop and think about, it aren't you glad that he still finds you attractive even though if we are brutally honest we have probably not shaved our legs, or worn makeup and maybe have not even showered.) Then he comes over and starts to caress and love and she is thinking all I want to do is climb into bed and fall asleep. "Does he not know that baby will probably be up in three hours?" Four things can happen at this moment.
Scenario one:
Wife: "Oh no. I am soooo tired and I cannot even think about that right now. Not tonight, I have a headache."
Husband: THINKING: "This is third night in a row she has rejected me. I must be doing something she doesn't like. Maybe she is not that attracted to me anymore. I have put on a little weight."
In this scene the wife is not thinking anything about rejecting her husband. More than likely she is just not in the mood. (And it requires a lot more effort and fore thought to put a woman in the mood than it does a man. I have heard it said like this, "A woman is like an oven, she takes a while to warm up. A man is like a microwave. Always hot and always ready instantly.") Even though she is not thinking about rejecting him, he takes it that way. A man spells love SEX. He feels most connected to his wife and most loved by her when they have sex. A woman spells love TALK. She connects best to her man through conversation. To say I am not in the mood for sex feels, to your man, like it feels when he is not in the mood to talk to you. If he told you over and over again he did not want to talk to you, you would start to feel rejected. He feels the same.
Scenario Two:
Wife: "Okay, but we better make it quick."
This is the scene that any married woman may be familiar with. You know he wants sex, so you give him what he wants. But what we fail to realize in this scene is that he is not just wanting sex. He does not want a lifeless interaction. What he wants is to connect with you. He wants to connect with his wife and feel loved and close to her. (This is not to say that sex always has to be long and drawn out. Someone very wise once told us, "Sex is like a meal, sometimes you get to sit down to have steak and potato, but sometimes all you get is the drive through at Mcdonalds." Mcdonalds satisfies for the moment, but you cannot survive on that alone.) If we always give our husbands burgers and fries they will crave steak and potato. And our marriages will not survive.
Scenario Three:
Wife: THINKING "I am so tired, but I do love him and just a few minutes of closeness would be nice."
In this scene the wife is pleasantly suprised that when she allows herself to step away from all the cares of the day she can enjoy her husband and allow him to enjoy her. Connection and closeness occur and our marriages are made more secure. And our husbands feel more confident and loving towards us as a result. If getting there is an issue maybe you need to make some preparations. Maybe you can tell him you would like to take a bath alone first to help you relax and be more prepared to be alone with him. Or whatever it may be that will help you relax and get in the mood. Maybe it is candles, maybe if he does the dishes and helps put the kids to bed you will feel more inclined. If that be the case tell him in advance. Most men will jump to do dishes as quickly as possible if they think that is what you need to be in the mood that night.
Scenario Four:
Now because I know that not every moment is cookie cutter and there are legitimate times when sex is not an option, I have included a fourth scene.
Wife: "Hunny, I adore you and a little closeness would be so nice, but I have to be up in three hours and I do not think I could enjoy it tonight. Lets make a date for tomorrow night."This is not ideal and if you never follow through it will lose its appeal altogether, but at least in this scene it awknowledges your husbands feelings and gives him something to look forward to.
Now what are you waiting for? Make some preparations to be alone with your man. I am sure he will thank you.
As I stated in some of my previous posts I want to state again that I am not an expert on marriage. I am just a woman who is learning as I go and wants to share some of those nuggets with you. Hopefully some of what I have learned will help you. So here goes:
I think that sex has been absolutely distorted in our culture. It is used and abused, but not taught in healthy ways. Sex is not a dirty thing. It was a gift, from God, given to man and woman to be expressed within marriage. Within the context of a healthy, thriving, loving, marriage relationship, sex is a blessing. With that being said I think that we have totally lost sight of the purpose and blessing of sex within our culture.
To the unmarried:
For one thing, if you are unmarried you ought not to be having sex. This is hot button topic. I know that many who will read this may be offended by it. And I know that the majority of Americans are not virgins on their wedding night and that means that most of those who read this have probably had sex outside of marriage. God clearly intended for sex to be within the context of a commited marriage. He states it very clearly in the Bible. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there most not even be a hint of sexual immorality..." (NIV) Over and over again we are given instructions on the proper context for sexual union. I think anyone who has had sex will agree that sex is not just a physical act. It can be distorted so much and someone can become so hardened by it that they treat it that way, but it is not. When you have sex with someone you are bearing your whole self to them. You are opening up your heart, your mind, and your body and allowing another person to become a part of you. When sex takes place between an unmarried man and woman that union and bond still exists, but the commitment and level of trust does not. Our society is so full of broken relationships, broken marriages and broken hearts and so much of it can be traced back to this topic. A man and woman unite and afterwards they part. More often than not, because of our unique differences, the man is able to move on and the woman is left feeling broken and alone and like she is missing something. She is. She gave herself to that man. And when he left she feels so bonded and connected to him still. This brokenness was not what God intended. He intended for sex to be shared between two people who trust one another and are committed for life. There is something so unique about this sin. It destroys someone in both spirit and body. 1st Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." (NIV)
With all of that being said, I need to say that there is hope. God offers grace to those who seek him. He restores the broken and hurting. I am not saying that sexual sin is worse than any other sin. My sin of anger or lying or resentment is just as powerful as any sexual sin, but sexual sin often has such greater and more far reaching consequences. 2nd Corinthians 4:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (NIV) If you have sinned in this way and want to seek forgiveness as the Lord. If you are still struggling and need help talk to a trusted Christian friend or your pastor.
To the married:
YOU OUGHT TO BE HAVING SEX. I know that for most men this particular commandment of God is pretty easy. They enjoy sex, crave sex, think about it and need it. Women also need sex and enjoy it, but it is on a whole different level. For a woman, particularly one with young children sex can feel like another thing on her "to do list." She knows she should be having sex. She knows her husband needs it. She knows he really wants to. But just to be honest more often than not by the end of the day she has prepared, served and cleaned up three meals, wiped butts and noses, did 5 or more loads of laundry, two or more loads of dishes, chauffered, worked, and tried to train young minds for life and rightousness. Frankly at the end of the day it takes all of her strength just to change into her nightgown and climb into bed. And then it happens. He catches a glimpse of her changing from her spit up stained sweats into some old tshirt and he gets instantly attracted. (On a side note, ladies if we stop and think about, it aren't you glad that he still finds you attractive even though if we are brutally honest we have probably not shaved our legs, or worn makeup and maybe have not even showered.) Then he comes over and starts to caress and love and she is thinking all I want to do is climb into bed and fall asleep. "Does he not know that baby will probably be up in three hours?" Four things can happen at this moment.
Scenario one:
Wife: "Oh no. I am soooo tired and I cannot even think about that right now. Not tonight, I have a headache."
Husband: THINKING: "This is third night in a row she has rejected me. I must be doing something she doesn't like. Maybe she is not that attracted to me anymore. I have put on a little weight."
In this scene the wife is not thinking anything about rejecting her husband. More than likely she is just not in the mood. (And it requires a lot more effort and fore thought to put a woman in the mood than it does a man. I have heard it said like this, "A woman is like an oven, she takes a while to warm up. A man is like a microwave. Always hot and always ready instantly.") Even though she is not thinking about rejecting him, he takes it that way. A man spells love SEX. He feels most connected to his wife and most loved by her when they have sex. A woman spells love TALK. She connects best to her man through conversation. To say I am not in the mood for sex feels, to your man, like it feels when he is not in the mood to talk to you. If he told you over and over again he did not want to talk to you, you would start to feel rejected. He feels the same.
Scenario Two:
Wife: "Okay, but we better make it quick."
This is the scene that any married woman may be familiar with. You know he wants sex, so you give him what he wants. But what we fail to realize in this scene is that he is not just wanting sex. He does not want a lifeless interaction. What he wants is to connect with you. He wants to connect with his wife and feel loved and close to her. (This is not to say that sex always has to be long and drawn out. Someone very wise once told us, "Sex is like a meal, sometimes you get to sit down to have steak and potato, but sometimes all you get is the drive through at Mcdonalds." Mcdonalds satisfies for the moment, but you cannot survive on that alone.) If we always give our husbands burgers and fries they will crave steak and potato. And our marriages will not survive.
Scenario Three:
Wife: THINKING "I am so tired, but I do love him and just a few minutes of closeness would be nice."
In this scene the wife is pleasantly suprised that when she allows herself to step away from all the cares of the day she can enjoy her husband and allow him to enjoy her. Connection and closeness occur and our marriages are made more secure. And our husbands feel more confident and loving towards us as a result. If getting there is an issue maybe you need to make some preparations. Maybe you can tell him you would like to take a bath alone first to help you relax and be more prepared to be alone with him. Or whatever it may be that will help you relax and get in the mood. Maybe it is candles, maybe if he does the dishes and helps put the kids to bed you will feel more inclined. If that be the case tell him in advance. Most men will jump to do dishes as quickly as possible if they think that is what you need to be in the mood that night.
Scenario Four:
Now because I know that not every moment is cookie cutter and there are legitimate times when sex is not an option, I have included a fourth scene.
Wife: "Hunny, I adore you and a little closeness would be so nice, but I have to be up in three hours and I do not think I could enjoy it tonight. Lets make a date for tomorrow night."This is not ideal and if you never follow through it will lose its appeal altogether, but at least in this scene it awknowledges your husbands feelings and gives him something to look forward to.
Now what are you waiting for? Make some preparations to be alone with your man. I am sure he will thank you.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Date Night
I just wanted to brag on my hubby a bit. On Friday night he took me on a date that he planned completely. I did not know anything except that we were going out. I did not have to find the sitter or plan the meal or plan anything. I just got dressed and showed up. That in and of itself was a nice treat. Sometimes planning a date, with kids, is so much work that I almost do not want to do it. But he surprised me and this is how the night went:
He arrived home from work in the afternoon and the kids were still napping. I was getting ready in our bedroom and he must have been home longer than I thought. (More on that in a moment.) He came upstairs and showered and then took the kids downstairs, so I could finish getting ready. When I came downstairs I found a present in the kitchen. He had arranged flowers and cards around a beautiful new purse for me. (I have not gotten a new purse in a year, so this was a wonderful gift.) As I opened the cards, I found one was from the girls. He had them color a card for me that said I was the best mommy. And then his card was absolutely perfect and basically said that he noticed me. As moms we do a million and one things and it is easy to feel under appreciated and unnoticed, but he reminded me that he saw me and appreciated my efforts. After I was flooded with tears, we got the kids all set for the sitter and left for our night. Our first stop was Olive Garden. I was super excited because I was definitely craving some bread and salad. And I took the opportunity to have a night off from counting calories. (I need those every once in a while.) We enjoyed a delicious meal and talked for a long time. After dinner we went to Starbucks and talked and then we got ice cream to take home. It was a simple date, but it was so nice to be out together and share some alone time.
It is so nice to be in love with someone and be able to share those moments. I am so thankful that God blessed me with him! I am truly a lucky woman.
I know Valentines day can be hard for some people. Some people are divorced or single or in an unhappy marriage.
If you are single or single again I encourage you to find love with the one who loves you more than all others. Jesus is the friend and lover to the lonely. Let him be yours. He desires to show you what true love is. All you need to do is ask him. And don't spend the day alone. Find a friend. Find someone who is maybe more lonely than you and cheer them up. Staying home watching sappy love movies and feeling sorry for yourself will probably not make you feel better. So don't do it.
If you are in a lonely marriage, I would encourage you to take your hurt to God. Let him console you and comfort you. And then ask him how you can bless your spouse. Ask God to teach you how to love your spouse unconditionally. Your spouse is probably hurting as much as you and someone needs to end the cycle of hurt. Let it be you. Let it start today. There is hope for a better life. God wants your marriage to be fulfilling.
Happy Valentines Day!
He arrived home from work in the afternoon and the kids were still napping. I was getting ready in our bedroom and he must have been home longer than I thought. (More on that in a moment.) He came upstairs and showered and then took the kids downstairs, so I could finish getting ready. When I came downstairs I found a present in the kitchen. He had arranged flowers and cards around a beautiful new purse for me. (I have not gotten a new purse in a year, so this was a wonderful gift.) As I opened the cards, I found one was from the girls. He had them color a card for me that said I was the best mommy. And then his card was absolutely perfect and basically said that he noticed me. As moms we do a million and one things and it is easy to feel under appreciated and unnoticed, but he reminded me that he saw me and appreciated my efforts. After I was flooded with tears, we got the kids all set for the sitter and left for our night. Our first stop was Olive Garden. I was super excited because I was definitely craving some bread and salad. And I took the opportunity to have a night off from counting calories. (I need those every once in a while.) We enjoyed a delicious meal and talked for a long time. After dinner we went to Starbucks and talked and then we got ice cream to take home. It was a simple date, but it was so nice to be out together and share some alone time.
It is so nice to be in love with someone and be able to share those moments. I am so thankful that God blessed me with him! I am truly a lucky woman.
I know Valentines day can be hard for some people. Some people are divorced or single or in an unhappy marriage.
If you are single or single again I encourage you to find love with the one who loves you more than all others. Jesus is the friend and lover to the lonely. Let him be yours. He desires to show you what true love is. All you need to do is ask him. And don't spend the day alone. Find a friend. Find someone who is maybe more lonely than you and cheer them up. Staying home watching sappy love movies and feeling sorry for yourself will probably not make you feel better. So don't do it.
If you are in a lonely marriage, I would encourage you to take your hurt to God. Let him console you and comfort you. And then ask him how you can bless your spouse. Ask God to teach you how to love your spouse unconditionally. Your spouse is probably hurting as much as you and someone needs to end the cycle of hurt. Let it be you. Let it start today. There is hope for a better life. God wants your marriage to be fulfilling.
Happy Valentines Day!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Husband
I miss my hubby. We had a week of all out plague in our home. 4 bouts of stomach flu. One case of strep throat and one case of bronchitis. We have sorely missed alone time. After the week of, dare I say, hell, all I wanted to do was sleep when the kids went to bed. But tonight when the kiddos are in bed we have a date. And I am looking forward to spending some one on one time with my handsome man.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Marriage
First of all before I share my thoughts I want to share the heart behind them. I am not an expert on marriage. I have been married almost 6 years. I have what I think is a healthy, happy marriage, but I know that I do not know everything there is to know about it. I consider people married 20,40,50, or even 70 years to be experts. They have time on their side. But I know that time married does not make you good at marriage. If this was the case there would be no divorces after 20 years. We know statistically most Americans are getting divorced now after 25 years. So time does not make a good marriage.
So what does? I have prayed that God would make me a good wife. I have prayed for my husband and I to have a great marriage. I think scripture gives us some very good guidelines for healthy marriage. And God has made certain scriptures come alive to me.
Ephesians 4:26B "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (NIV)
This verse was made real to me at a "low" point. Todd and I were having a really rough patch. Nothing major. But it just seemed like we were not clicking. We fought over the smallest issues and just were generally crabby with one another. One Sunday our pastor taught on this verse. I realized that I had been holding on to "small" issues everyday. Maybe one day Todd would make a comment that hurt my feelings. Instead of telling him he hurt me I just supressed it. I had good intentions. I usually did not want to start a fight or I thought I could just get over it. But it usually did not work. I would let small issues build until I blew up at him.
This was brought to life to me through someone elses circumstances recently. I was talking with a woman who had been married for many years and was now divorced. She recounted for me an incident that happened in her marriage over 10 years ago. Her now ex-husband made a comment that wounded her deeply. She recited his words with such anger that I knew she felt the hurt just as much as she had at the moment they were spoken. And when we were finished talking I wondered to myself what may have happened if she would have told him right then how much his words hurt. Who knows. He may have apoligized. I wondered if their divorce was due, in part, to years of going to bed angry. Years of holding on to a small wound, every day.
Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (NIV)
I hurt my husband sometimes. I think about my needs more than his needs some days. He hurts me too. We are two utterly imperfect people trying to make marriage work. How can two people who are utterly selfish, and sinful at their core make marriage work? I think the only way we survive and still enjoy each other is through love. At the end of the day. At the end of an arugument. We can choose to love each other or leave angry.
I hope that each day I can forgive him. I honestly think men are better at this than us. Women can hold grudges for years. If you wound us once we will remember. And you better believe we will not let you forget. Or anyone else for that matter. I am not saying that some hurts are not legitimate. Some wounds are very deep and hurt so much they make you bleed inside. Some wives have endured so much they wonder if they can endure more. I am not talking about abusive situations. Obviously, those type of wounds need a more thorough and in depth examination. Maybe a trusted pastor or counselor could help you heal from those hurts. Those hurts are real and you have every right to feel them. But what I am suggesting is that if you are married would your marriage be a little more healthy, a little more loving, a little more enjoyable if you offered real genuine forgiveness today and everyday.
I know mine has been so much better since the Sunday I heard that sermon. I have tried to leave each conversation, each moment, each day resolved. I try not to go to bed angry at Todd. And we are happier. I am happier. Our marriage is healthier.
What are you holding onto that is making you bitter towards your husband? Let it be resolved today.
So what does? I have prayed that God would make me a good wife. I have prayed for my husband and I to have a great marriage. I think scripture gives us some very good guidelines for healthy marriage. And God has made certain scriptures come alive to me.
Ephesians 4:26B "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (NIV)
This verse was made real to me at a "low" point. Todd and I were having a really rough patch. Nothing major. But it just seemed like we were not clicking. We fought over the smallest issues and just were generally crabby with one another. One Sunday our pastor taught on this verse. I realized that I had been holding on to "small" issues everyday. Maybe one day Todd would make a comment that hurt my feelings. Instead of telling him he hurt me I just supressed it. I had good intentions. I usually did not want to start a fight or I thought I could just get over it. But it usually did not work. I would let small issues build until I blew up at him.
This was brought to life to me through someone elses circumstances recently. I was talking with a woman who had been married for many years and was now divorced. She recounted for me an incident that happened in her marriage over 10 years ago. Her now ex-husband made a comment that wounded her deeply. She recited his words with such anger that I knew she felt the hurt just as much as she had at the moment they were spoken. And when we were finished talking I wondered to myself what may have happened if she would have told him right then how much his words hurt. Who knows. He may have apoligized. I wondered if their divorce was due, in part, to years of going to bed angry. Years of holding on to a small wound, every day.
Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (NIV)
I hurt my husband sometimes. I think about my needs more than his needs some days. He hurts me too. We are two utterly imperfect people trying to make marriage work. How can two people who are utterly selfish, and sinful at their core make marriage work? I think the only way we survive and still enjoy each other is through love. At the end of the day. At the end of an arugument. We can choose to love each other or leave angry.
I hope that each day I can forgive him. I honestly think men are better at this than us. Women can hold grudges for years. If you wound us once we will remember. And you better believe we will not let you forget. Or anyone else for that matter. I am not saying that some hurts are not legitimate. Some wounds are very deep and hurt so much they make you bleed inside. Some wives have endured so much they wonder if they can endure more. I am not talking about abusive situations. Obviously, those type of wounds need a more thorough and in depth examination. Maybe a trusted pastor or counselor could help you heal from those hurts. Those hurts are real and you have every right to feel them. But what I am suggesting is that if you are married would your marriage be a little more healthy, a little more loving, a little more enjoyable if you offered real genuine forgiveness today and everyday.
I know mine has been so much better since the Sunday I heard that sermon. I have tried to leave each conversation, each moment, each day resolved. I try not to go to bed angry at Todd. And we are happier. I am happier. Our marriage is healthier.
What are you holding onto that is making you bitter towards your husband? Let it be resolved today.
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