PG 13

I want to preface this post by saying the things I am going to talk about are not going to be crude, but they are not intended for young eyes.

As I stated in some of my previous posts I want to state again that I am not an expert on marriage. I am just a woman who is learning as I go and wants to share some of those nuggets with you. Hopefully some of what I have learned will help you. So here goes:


I think that sex has been absolutely distorted in our culture. It is used and abused, but not taught in healthy ways. Sex is not a dirty thing. It was a gift, from God, given to man and woman to be expressed within marriage. Within the context of a healthy, thriving, loving, marriage relationship, sex is a blessing. With that being said I think that we have totally lost sight of the purpose and blessing of sex within our culture.


To the unmarried:

For one thing, if you are unmarried you ought not to be having sex. This is hot button topic. I know that many who will read this may be offended by it. And I know that the majority of Americans are not virgins on their wedding night and that means that most of those who read this have probably had sex outside of marriage. God clearly intended for sex to be within the context of a commited marriage. He states it very clearly in the Bible. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there most not even be a hint of sexual immorality..." (NIV) Over and over again we are given instructions on the proper context for sexual union. I think anyone who has had sex will agree that sex is not just a physical act. It can be distorted so much and someone can become so hardened by it that they treat it that way, but it is not. When you have sex with someone you are bearing your whole self to them. You are opening up your heart, your mind, and your body and allowing another person to become a part of you. When sex takes place between an unmarried man and woman that union and bond still exists, but the commitment and level of trust does not. Our society is so full of broken relationships, broken marriages and broken hearts and so much of it can be traced back to this topic. A man and woman unite and afterwards they part. More often than not, because of our unique differences, the man is able to move on and the woman is left feeling broken and alone and like she is missing something. She is. She gave herself to that man. And when he left she feels so bonded and connected to him still. This brokenness was not what God intended. He intended for sex to be shared between two people who trust one another and are committed for life. There is something so unique about this sin. It destroys someone in both spirit and body. 1st Corinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." (NIV)

With all of that being said, I need to say that there is hope. God offers grace to those who seek him. He restores the broken and hurting. I am not saying that sexual sin is worse than any other sin. My sin of anger or lying or resentment is just as powerful as any sexual sin, but sexual sin often has such greater and more far reaching consequences. 2nd Corinthians 4:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (NIV) If you have sinned in this way and want to seek forgiveness as the Lord. If you are still struggling and need help talk to a trusted Christian friend or your pastor.

To the married:

YOU OUGHT TO BE HAVING SEX. I know that for most men this particular commandment of God is pretty easy. They enjoy sex, crave sex, think about it and need it. Women also need sex and enjoy it, but it is on a whole different level. For a woman, particularly one with young children sex can feel like another thing on her "to do list." She knows she should be having sex. She knows her husband needs it. She knows he really wants to. But just to be honest more often than not by the end of the day she has prepared, served and cleaned up three meals, wiped butts and noses, did 5 or more loads of laundry, two or more loads of dishes, chauffered, worked, and tried to train young minds for life and rightousness. Frankly at the end of the day it takes all of her strength just to change into her nightgown and climb into bed. And then it happens. He catches a glimpse of her changing from her spit up stained sweats into some old tshirt and he gets instantly attracted. (On a side note, ladies if we stop and think about, it aren't you glad that he still finds you attractive even though if we are brutally honest we have probably not shaved our legs, or worn makeup and maybe have not even showered.) Then he comes over and starts to caress and love and she is thinking all I want to do is climb into bed and fall asleep. "Does he not know that baby will probably be up in three hours?" Four things can happen at this moment.

Scenario one:
Wife: "Oh no. I am soooo tired and I cannot even think about that right now. Not tonight, I have a headache."
Husband: THINKING: "This is third night in a row she has rejected me. I must be doing something she doesn't like. Maybe she is not that attracted to me anymore. I have put on a little weight."
In this scene the wife is not thinking anything about rejecting her husband. More than likely she is just not in the mood. (And it requires a lot more effort and fore thought to put a woman in the mood than it does a man. I have heard it said like this, "A woman is like an oven, she takes a while to warm up. A man is like a microwave. Always hot and always ready instantly.") Even though she is not thinking about rejecting him, he takes it that way. A man spells love SEX. He feels most connected to his wife and most loved by her when they have sex. A woman spells love TALK. She connects best to her man through conversation. To say I am not in the mood for sex feels, to your man, like it feels when he is not in the mood to talk to you. If he told you over and over again he did not want to talk to you, you would start to feel rejected. He feels the same.

Scenario Two:
Wife: "Okay, but we better make it quick."
This is the scene that any married woman may be familiar with. You know he wants sex, so you give him what he wants. But what we fail to realize in this scene is that he is not just wanting sex. He does not want a lifeless interaction. What he wants is to connect with you. He wants to connect with his wife and feel loved and close to her. (This is not to say that sex always has to be long and drawn out. Someone very wise once told us, "Sex is like a meal, sometimes you get to sit down to have steak and potato, but sometimes all you get is the drive through at Mcdonalds." Mcdonalds satisfies for the moment, but you cannot survive on that alone.) If we always give our husbands burgers and fries they will crave steak and potato. And our marriages will not survive.

Scenario Three:
Wife: THINKING "I am so tired, but I do love him and just a few minutes of closeness would be nice."
In this scene the wife is pleasantly suprised that when she allows herself to step away from all the cares of the day she can enjoy her husband and allow him to enjoy her. Connection and closeness occur and our marriages are made more secure. And our husbands feel more confident and loving towards us as a result. If getting there is an issue maybe you need to make some preparations. Maybe you can tell him you would like to take a bath alone first to help you relax and be more prepared to be alone with him. Or whatever it may be that will help you relax and get in the mood. Maybe it is candles, maybe if he does the dishes and helps put the kids to bed you will feel more inclined. If that be the case tell him in advance. Most men will jump to do dishes as quickly as possible if they think that is what you need to be in the mood that night.

Scenario Four:
Now because I know that not every moment is cookie cutter and there are legitimate times when sex is not an option, I have included a fourth scene.
Wife: "Hunny, I adore you and a little closeness would be so nice, but I have to be up in three hours and I do not think I could enjoy it tonight. Lets make a date for tomorrow night."This is not ideal and if you never follow through it will lose its appeal altogether, but at least in this scene it awknowledges your husbands feelings and gives him something to look forward to.

Now what are you waiting for? Make some preparations to be alone with your man. I am sure he will thank you.