Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday

Today I am incredibly thankful as I remember the death of my saviour. Jesus came and sacrificed his body and blood, so that we may have eternal life. I am in desperate need of his salvation today and every day. I am glad that Good Friday is not the end of the story. We have a saviour who not only died on Friday, but walked out of the tomb alive on Sunday. That is the part of the story that makes it good. We have been talking with Elizabeth about the reason we celebrate Easter. She only gets it to a point, but she is so cute when we get to the part of the story where Mary gets to the empty tomb and Jesus is alive. Elizabeth declares, "Not crying anymore." Mary was no longer crying because her friend, her saviour, her Lord was dead. She was now rejoicing because the King, the saviour, was now her risen Lord. His death was the gift to us, but the fact that he was alive again and is alive today is the proof, to a world in need, that he was unlike any "saviours" who came before him or any who followed him. Buddha, Muhammad, Cesar, they all still lay in tombs or in graves. Lifeless and powerless. Jesus is Alive and still on the throne! I am thankful that we serve a Risen Lord!

Monday, April 6, 2009

In the market for a wife

So, I decided I need a wife. No I am not turning into a lesbian. I just need someone to grocery shop, cook, clean and do laundry. A wife will do.

So, these past few weeks have been soooo hard. Why? Not sure. Just know it has been hard. I feel like I do not have enough time, strength, sleep, money, arms to get everything done. Lizzie has been especially needy lately. I know she is growing and is trying to figure stuff out. She on one hand has been doing extremely well with potty training, but on the other hand has just started asking us to feed her from a baby bottle. I know she is clinging to the last bit of her babyhood probably because she is feeling insecure and how do I handle that. Like a two year old of course. The other day I was trying desperately to get out the door. And trying to do Lizzie's hair. She kept poking me with this little cookie monster barrette. After the 15th time of asking her to stop doing that, I took the thing and chucked it across the room. Which of course sent both us into tears. I stopped and held her and through tears apologized. I know that was not how I should react. I know there was a better way and it seriously was not the example I want to set for her. I know all of this, but I am feeling overwhelmed. Saturday morning I was trying to fold a basket of clothes and Lizzie desperately wanted my attention. She was doing everything to get it and I just wanted to finish folding the clothes. She kept jumping on me and finally I took her and buckled her into Claire's infant chair. This made her laugh at first because it is very out of place, but by the end she was crying to get out. I really just wanted to finish folding the laundry. When I was done, I took her out and we did some stuff together. That always helps, but how can I do that and the million other things I need to do without having to lock her in an infant chair?
How do I spend any time with my infant who is growing up so fast? I know things will work out and I know they will get better. I just feel like such a failure some days. I am doing the best I can and yet the house is wreck, I haven't showered, I have three baskets of clean laundry that have been sitting upstairs for days and dirty laundry piling up, my bathrooms have not been cleaned in (well I don't remember the last time), and I have no idea what I am making for dinner and it is 5:00. A couple of weeks ago in church one of the pastors talked about when Jesus fed the 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish. The disciples came to Jesus and asked him to send away the people so they could find food. Jesus said they should feed them. Their reply was, "we cannot do it, we don't have what it takes." They found 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and brought them to Jesus. I am sure they were thinking there is no way we can feed these people. This is all we have. Jesus took the 5 loaves and 2 fish and fed the multitudes. And there were 12 baskets of leftovers. I want so desperately to lead a successful life. Success to me means my children grow up to be lovers of God and lovers of people. Success to me means I love, honor, respect and encourage my husband. Success to me means I encourage and love those around me. But I know that in comparison all I have is 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Jesus please multiply my lack. I know that I can never do enough. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. Jesus, I need your strength. I need your forgiveness for my shortcomings, for the times I do not love those around me, for the times I fail my children, my husband, my family, my friends. For the times I fail you. All I have is 5 loaves and 2 fish. Please make it enough.