Marriage

First of all before I share my thoughts I want to share the heart behind them. I am not an expert on marriage. I have been married almost 6 years. I have what I think is a healthy, happy marriage, but I know that I do not know everything there is to know about it. I consider people married 20,40,50, or even 70 years to be experts. They have time on their side. But I know that time married does not make you good at marriage. If this was the case there would be no divorces after 20 years. We know statistically most Americans are getting divorced now after 25 years. So time does not make a good marriage.

So what does? I have prayed that God would make me a good wife. I have prayed for my husband and I to have a great marriage. I think scripture gives us some very good guidelines for healthy marriage. And God has made certain scriptures come alive to me.

Ephesians 4:26B "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (NIV)
This verse was made real to me at a "low" point. Todd and I were having a really rough patch. Nothing major. But it just seemed like we were not clicking. We fought over the smallest issues and just were generally crabby with one another. One Sunday our pastor taught on this verse. I realized that I had been holding on to "small" issues everyday. Maybe one day Todd would make a comment that hurt my feelings. Instead of telling him he hurt me I just supressed it. I had good intentions. I usually did not want to start a fight or I thought I could just get over it. But it usually did not work. I would let small issues build until I blew up at him.

This was brought to life to me through someone elses circumstances recently. I was talking with a woman who had been married for many years and was now divorced. She recounted for me an incident that happened in her marriage over 10 years ago. Her now ex-husband made a comment that wounded her deeply. She recited his words with such anger that I knew she felt the hurt just as much as she had at the moment they were spoken. And when we were finished talking I wondered to myself what may have happened if she would have told him right then how much his words hurt. Who knows. He may have apoligized. I wondered if their divorce was due, in part, to years of going to bed angry. Years of holding on to a small wound, every day.

Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (NIV)

I hurt my husband sometimes. I think about my needs more than his needs some days. He hurts me too. We are two utterly imperfect people trying to make marriage work. How can two people who are utterly selfish, and sinful at their core make marriage work? I think the only way we survive and still enjoy each other is through love. At the end of the day. At the end of an arugument. We can choose to love each other or leave angry.

I hope that each day I can forgive him. I honestly think men are better at this than us. Women can hold grudges for years. If you wound us once we will remember. And you better believe we will not let you forget. Or anyone else for that matter. I am not saying that some hurts are not legitimate. Some wounds are very deep and hurt so much they make you bleed inside. Some wives have endured so much they wonder if they can endure more. I am not talking about abusive situations. Obviously, those type of wounds need a more thorough and in depth examination. Maybe a trusted pastor or counselor could help you heal from those hurts. Those hurts are real and you have every right to feel them. But what I am suggesting is that if you are married would your marriage be a little more healthy, a little more loving, a little more enjoyable if you offered real genuine forgiveness today and everyday.

I know mine has been so much better since the Sunday I heard that sermon. I have tried to leave each conversation, each moment, each day resolved. I try not to go to bed angry at Todd. And we are happier. I am happier. Our marriage is healthier.

What are you holding onto that is making you bitter towards your husband? Let it be resolved today.

Top 10 events of 2009

10. After nine months of night waking, Claire finally started sleeping through the night in May.

9. I heard my baby girl say "mama" for the first time.

8. I watched as Claire took her first steps.

7. Elizabeth achieved potty training success.

6. I joined MOPS.

5. Todd and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.

4. Todd and I spent our first weekend, without kids, together in Chicago.

3. I watched as Elizabeth became a big girl. She began saying things like, "Do you know how much I love you?"

2. I lost 56 lbs.

1. I bought my first pair of size 6 jeans and they fit. :)

My day

Woke up at 6 am to Elizabeth coughing and crying. (I think she has a cold.) Got her back to sleep with some reading, cuddling and cough syrup. Fell back asleep myself because I was really exhausted.

Woke back up at 9 am to Elizabeth crying.

Shower, dress kids, breakfast. Leave to run some errands.

Come home at lunch time. Make lunch while refereeing children, keeping Claire from climbing the stairs and helping Lizzie go potty (when your daughter says, "Mom, I am peeing everywhere" you probably should go help.)

Feed kids, change kids and put down for nap.

Decide to take a nap myself even though the house looked like a tornado came through.

Woke up an hour and half later to Todd coming home. The house was still a mess. (I was really hoping when I woke up it would have magically be cleaner.)

Got dressed and freshened up. Changed kids and left to go to a dinner for a business group Todd is in.

Arrived at business group. Realized that while this was supposed to be a family event, we were, in fact, the only ones who brought kids. Ordered food, took Elizabeth potty, had someone spill pop on Claire and took her to bathroom to clean up, got back to table and ate part of my sandwhich, took Elizabeth potty again, came back and ate more of my sandwhich, took Elizabeth potty yet again, came back and watched Claire while Todd took Elizabeth potty again. (She was drinking lemonade and I think she inhaled it.) Decided it was time to leave because even though we had only been there 45 minutes, it felt like an eternity.

Went to store to exhange something and then ended up at the mall for the sole purpose of getting ice cream. Enjoyed ice cream.

Home, snack, find clothes for my mom and dads house for tomorrow for kids (two pairs of pajamas, one pair of play clothes each, one pair of nice clothes each, two pairs of panties, 4 sets of socks.)

Put kids to bed.

I know that my day is not any different from any other moms. I am not unique or special, but when you look at things with this perspective it makes you realize that I ought to be paid. LOL.

Conversation with Elizabeth

This morning Elizabeth was searching for something she had lost. She was saying in a whiney tone "where is it, where is it?" I heard her, but was busy with something else, so I really did not pay attention. A moment later she found it and came to me and said, "God takes care of us, doesn't he mom." My heart melted and I told her about how God tells us he cares for the birds and flowers and will take care of us so much more. My prayer is always that God will reveal himself to my two little girls. I am thankful he is!

A list of thankfulness

I am definitely stealing this idea from someone else, but I read it and loved it so here goes my version:

1. I am thankful for hearing "No, that's my toy, Don't touch that, I was playing with that, stop touching me" one thousand times a day because it means I have more than one child and they are healthy enough to interact and play with one another even if they are bickering 3/4s of the time.

2. I am thankful that figuring out what we are doing on Christmas was a crazy mess because it means we have so many people to love and spend time with.

3. I am thankful that I have to make a grocery list tonight even though I am exhausted because it means I can afford to buy food for my family.

4. I am thankful that I am so tired today from working and caring for kids because it means I am blessed with a great job where I can work and still be with my children all day.

5. I am thankful that I have so little clothing to choose from because I have lost
56lbs.

6. I am thankful that I have to wake up tomorrow and spend the day with my kids without my husband because it means he has work and can provide for our family.

7. I am thankful that I have so much wrapping left to do because it means we were able to buy presents for the people we love.

8. I am thankful that my house is too small because it means I have a place to live and a growing family.

I have so much to be thankful for and this list just scratches the surface, but I want to remember and be thankful in everything. What are you thankful for?

Gift of Grace

Meals with a three year old can be a battle at times. My oldest daughter seems like she will go days without eating. She eats so sparingly and sometimes is so picky. We have started to enforce some eating "rules."

The other night at dinner time she decided she did not want to eat what mommy had made. I have never been the person who wants to force their kid to eat something they do not like. Our rule is you have to take one bite. If you still do not like it you don't have to eat it. But you have to try it. Well, she tried it and she did not want to eat anymore. She said she was not hungry. I told her that was fine, but she could not eat again until bedtime snack. Well, bed time snack came and she said she was not hungry. She did not want to eat. I told her fine, but you will not eat again until morning. She chose to not eat snack. Bedtime came and she suddenly was starving. So starving that she was crying, "My belly hurts." As a mom I am suddenly torn. On one hand I want to be firm and enforce the rules that we set in place. I don't want to teach that mom and dad go back on their word. On the other hand I know she is only three years old and who can really listen to their child cry that they are hungry and turn the other cheek? Privately, I asked my husband if he thought it would be ok to give her some fruit. I mean fruit is not a fun food and really would only satisfy her hunger if she was truly hungry and not just seeking food for comfort. He said no. He thought she needed to learn this lesson. Because I am so strong and capable as a mom, I told him he had to put her to bed. I knew I would cave. I sat and listened on our baby moniter as he tucked her into bed. For fifteen minutes they talked and she cried about her belly hurting and how hungry she was. And my husband assured her she would be ok and talked with her about consequences. He came downstairs and she was still crying. I was trembling inside, but coping. I prayed for wisdom and for wisdom for Todd. I was sure he was right about us needing to be firm, but I was sure any moment I would cave and run upstairs hiding food in my shirt.

My wise and loving husband came down stairs and I said, "Is she ok?" He assured me she was fine, but then he told me to bring her a bananna. "Go teach her about grace", He said. I brought her downstairs and allowed her to sit at the table and eat a bannana. I explained to her that daddy had given her grace and given her something even though she did not deserve it. I explained that God gives us grace and that we should show grace to others.

I am pretty sure that was the best bannana she had ever eaten. I know that moment will stick with me for a long time. I am thankful that I have a husband who is wise enough to be firm, but gentle enough to offer grace.

Santa Baby

Elizabeth just got a new veggie tales movie for her birthday which was last week. The kids have watched it a couple of time. It is pretty cute and tells the real story veggie tales style of Saint Nicholas. It got me thinking a lot about Christmas and Santa Clause and I decided to share some thoughts.

Todd and I decided early on in our marriage that if and when we had kids we would not do the Santa thing. As in our kids do not recieve presents from Santa Clause at Christmas time. They get some gifts from family and a few things from mom and dad, but nothing from Saint Nick. Here are our reasons for deciding this:

1. We want Christmas in our home to be a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. We want to focus on his birth and what his birth meant for all man kind. I understand December 25th is not his real birth date necessarily, but it is a good reminder for us to focus on him and to tell our children about what Jesus did for all mankind. We try to focus on Jesus throughout the year and teach our children in our daily lives about Christ, but Christmas just gives us a little push. We do not want to distract from the message of Christ with a message of Santa, so we choose not too.

2. I reasoned at an early age in my head that if, I tell my children these elaborate stories about God raising people from the dead, parting the red sea, healing the sick and the blind and tell them these stories are true and then tell them elaborate stories about reighndeer flying and a man traveling the world in 24 hours in a sleigh and tell them this is true, what will they think when they find out Santa is not true? Will they question every thing else I tell them? My children may still question God and his existance, but I do not want it to be because they think I am a liar.

I understand that many Christian families still play Santa Clause and I learned a long time ago that I cannot judge another persons heart. I cannot say that my convictions have to be followed by everyone else. I do not look down on other families that celebrate with Santa, but I do want to know if anyone else has thought about the questions I posted and come up with a different answer. I would be curious to know what anyone else thinks about such things.