I had a revelation moment last night. There was something I wanted and desperately prayed for many many years ago. I longed for this thing and yet it didn't happen. It didn't make much sense in the moment. But last night I had a glimpse into what my life may have looked like had that prayer been answered how I wanted. And it was not a pretty picture. And I found myself thanking God for not giving me what I wanted. For seeing beyond my initial hearts desire and looking deeper into the real longings of my heart. I am so utterly grateful that I didn't get to choose. I would have messed it up for sure.
I am grateful for the hurt I experienced then because in the end it is better for me. In the moment that hurt did not feel good. The pain I experienced was real and hard. But I see now that it was what needed to happen. And now I can thank God that His ways are higher.
One of my deepest desires is to be a momma to many children. I know I am utterly blessed beyond measure to be able to mother the littles that I have been gifted. I know this. And I am working hard to treasure the moments I have with them. I am so thankful for them. And there are days when I am overwhelmed with them. But I love that I get to be their momma. I feel truly privileged to be able to shepherd them into adulthood. And I long to do that for more babies. I long to have more littles calling me momma. Yesterday at Co-op I had the blessing to hold a little guy who was 10 months old while his momma was visiting his older siblings for a few minutes. Do you know what happens to a momma's heart when you long for a baby and one is placed in your arms? It is an intense feeling. A crazy tug at your heart. And my heart was longing.
And sometimes my longing heart can cause me to hurt And hurt can lead to doubt. And doubt can cause me to question the wisdom of God. I am thankful that my God is patient with my questions and loving towards my doubting heart. And He is faithful to give me practical glimpses into what my like would be like if I would have chosen my own way. And again I am reminded that His ways are better. So yesterday, while I had a glimpse of what life would be like if I would have gotten all I wanted, I also had a thought- "I bet in the end I will say that I am thankful for this hurt." And maybe someday I will hold another little who will call me momma and I will be able to say this may not have been what I would have chosen but it is much more than I ever could have hoped for.
There is a song by the band Jars of Clay it is called "Faith Enough". I love this song. I could recite all the lyrics because just about anyone of them speaks to me but here is a snippet of what I love.
The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe
Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind
I am choosing today to rely on faith. Faith not in what my plans are or in what I think is best. But faith that my God truly does know what is best and have my best interest at heart.
1 comment:
Oh, Jessica. I have a heart full (and eyes full of tears) after reading this post. I hurt with you because I have been there. In more ways than just motherhood. :) I too, have looked back after what I viewed as a crisis to what my life could have been. And, though, it was not an immediate thought, I praise Him for His goodness and faithfulness to give us "exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think." Thank you for your honesty. May God comfort your momma heart until He makes His way clear. ;)
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