Wrecked

I am wrecked. I was Internet shopping this afternoon for a little gift for a precious family who just came home with their son. I imagine to any normal person looking at adoption gifts doesn't send you into tears. But for me it did. Suddenly all the adoption books, wall art, t-shirts were not for this precious family but for me. For my son. For our family.

I never really understood, until now, how someone can simultaneously feel two feelings. I feel intense joy, and gratefulness to God for writing this precious story for my friends. I feel incredibly privileged to bear witness to God doing a miracle in the life of a precious child. I am overjoyed with them for the blessing they now have in their home.

And then I also feel longing. Longing for our call. Our picture. Our happy ending.  Longing for our story of redemption. Longing for our turn.

I am wrecked.

To say that I am coping is a stretch. I am weary. I am burdened. I am hurting.

I am not ok. Some people may be wondering why I would admit this. Why would I admit that I cry almost daily and sometimes over the silliest things. Most of the time my tears are private. Most of the time I save them for the shower or the bathroom or the car.

So how can I feel a wreck and yet live with hope?

^{Isaiah 40:28-31 (niv)}

 Do you not know Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.