Honesty

So just a bit of real, honesty. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. Many things have coincided to bring me to this point, but here I am.

1. For about 6 months Elizabeth has been having these random stomach pains. We struggled to find a solution and even thought at times she was making it up. I had kind of become numb to them and pretty much considered them something she said when she was sad, or wanted to get out of something, like bedtime. But in the last month they have become extreme. It started with her waking up in the night screaming about the pain. This went on and also she started crying at random times throughout the day. Sometimes they are so severe she is doubled over in pain screaming at the top of her lungs. We have taken her to the pediatrician and they did a full food allergy panel and blood tests. We go to the doc on Friday to get results. I am anxious. I want to find something. Not because I want something to be wrong or because I want her to have an allergy, but because I need to know what can make it better. Some days she is so whiney and crabby and has not been her loving, happy self for a while. I have just about lost patience with her. I know that she is in pain at times, but I stuggle because I think sometimes she uses the pain as an out. If her belly hurts she gets attention and it delays bedtime. We have eliminated dairy products. I honestly do not think that the dairy helped much, but I also decided to eliminate juice. It seemed like it helped to cut out juice, but then she was constipated. (Another regular problem) And then I had to give her prune juice. That helped the constipation, but the next two days she had severe belly aches.

2. I am pretty sure if I hear another "Mom, I was playing with that." I will scream. I know that I am not the only parent to have ever dealt with sibling rivalry, but at this point I am so done with it. Part of the problem is that Claire is only 18 months. She is still trying to grasp the concept of sharing and has a hard time when Elizabeth gets anything she does not have. Claire also has gotten her own big temper at this point. When she gets mad she will hit and sometimes I hear Elizabeth screaming from the other room because Claire has found some object to beat her with. Now I am sure Elizabeth probably deserved it because she has given her fair share of abuse to her sister, but I am struggling to find something that works to teach her.

3. I am at a stand still at weight loss. I am down 60 lbs. I was hoping to lose another 10, but it just does not seem to be working. I don't want to get frustrated and fed up, but at times I am. I know that I will never have perfect body, but we all have concepts of what we want to look like and I am just not there yet. I am not giving up. But I am frustrated. Maybe my frustration will push me to work harder, but many days it makes me do worse. Just keep swimming, right?

4. I am a bit lonely. I have an incredible family. I have a great church. I have great friends, but the past few months things have not clicked well. Let me explain our church attendance has been spotty the past few months because it seems like every other week one child or another is sick. My very best friend and I have been on different schedules because of work and kids starting school. My two best girlfriends, who are single with no kids, have been working a lot and we just cannot seem to make our "breaks" coincide. I am not alone. But I feel a bit lonely. Before kids we were surrounded in community. We did ministry and had small groups. With kids it just seems like it is so much harder. We tried a small group at our new church and liked it, but one of us spent the whole time in the other room with the kids because Claire was not used to the sitter and could not stop crying. We are going to keep trying if we can ever be healthy long enough. I know we are all created for community. I know I am craving something good. And part of the problem is I am an extrovert to the max. I crave people. I crave conversation and being around people I can share things with. It engergizes me. It gives me joy. Being home with kids all days can be draining. But when I am doing it with someone it is easier. Being a mom is a lonely job sometimes. I know that some people really do not mind being alone and actually crave it. But I sometimes just think up reasons to go to Target because I crave adult interaction. Am I crazy? Or has anyone else thought that?

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I have an incredible life. I am truly blessed. I just feel like I am about to lose it. Hopefully "it" includes 10 lbs.

Clean House

I think I have come to the conclusion that my house will never be clean. Today I was trying to do some organizing and here is what happened: While I was taking Claire's newborn clothes from her dresser and filling the dresser with bigger sizes (Fast Huh?) Elizabeth was happily taking every toy we have upstairs out of it's place and also taking her shirts from her dresser and trying to wear them (as pants.) So, we finally finished with that and it was nap time for Elizabeth. Claire and I went downstairs and I got her to sleep. I sat with her for a good 20 minutes mostly because it was really nice to sit and then I tried to clean. I wasn't feeling great today so I did not get much done. And I really only had about 45 minutes from the time I laid her down until she ate again. Later after naps and dinner were over the kids and I were upstairs. Todd was working on something in the barn. (A shelf for Elizabeth) I was trying to put away laundry. I no sooner got all Elizabeth's clothes and hangers put away and she starts bring all my hangers into her room. I am not trying to complain. Just lamenting. I really would like an organized, clean home. But I am sure some day ,when my kids are grown, it will be and then I will miss it. I will miss the handprints on the glass door and the food stuck to the curtain behind Elizabeth's chair. I will miss the baby socks that seem to get tucked into everything and the sight of Elizabeth wiping Claire's face with a bathroom towel because she spit up. (It really is funny to watch a two year old do that.) I probably will not miss both kids having a poopy diaper at the same time while I am trying to put clothes away, but I know I will miss a lot. So for now, if you come over and there are blueberries on the floor from snack or if the layer of dust is really thick just know I tried, but really not that hard because it really is more fun to sit and watch Rudolph with your baby for the first time or to build a fort in the living room. And there will not be too many more years where they will want to do that with mom.

_By the way thought I would add: Funny, I used to clean houses for a living. LOL>

Life in choas

So today was one of those days for me. It started with a doctor appt. for claire. Not fun, but made tremendously better by the fact Lizzie was with my best friend. You have to love a friend who calls and insists on watching your kid just to help you, even though she has a yucky cold, which she will most certainly pass on to her children. Thanks Sheena! After that home for naps and rest for mommy. Lizzie did not nap. She is on a medication for a cold that makes her extremely hyper and needless to say she sat in her bed two hours today and did not sleep one wink. I went in a few times to check on her and kept telling her, "You need to sleep sweetie." Well, she did not and our day went accordingly. At 4:30 I talked to Todd and mistakenly interpreted that he would be home soon. (Yeah) Well, at 5:30 I called again and was told he was not even leaving for 20 minutes. I had been telling myself, "it will be over soon. Daddy will be home and he will help and life will be better." Dinner was almost done. Lizzie was running around like the drugged up kid she is and I was on the brink. Well, when he told me he was not leaving for 20 more minutes I broke down. I immediately told him I had to go. I was not mad at him. It really was both of our faults. He did not give me all the info about what he had to do until he came home, but I also should never assume. So, when I hung up with him. I just cried. I sat there holding Lizzie, stirring taco meat, crying. We made it through till dad came home and when he came home mommy had to leave. I just needed some alone time. It got me thinking. Life is often made up of these moments. And I appreciate so much when other moms, normal, healthy, good, moms let me know about those moments in their lives. Often when I am in those moments I feel like they will never end and like I am such a mess. And like my kids are going to be scarred and turn out horrible. But then I see other families and I realize that despite the chaos things really can be ok. My kids, thankfully enough, have the option of having their messy lives redeemed by the God who created us. And I am ever grateful for that and for the chance I have to turn to him as well. I left the house and cried in the car. I cried and prayed and went shopping. And when I came home I felt better. I have to say that when I walked in the door the house was clean, dishes done and Lizzie was bathed. That did help with the feeling better part. ( I have an amazing husband.) But it helps me to remember I don't have to be perfect. God loves me and Jesus Christ can redeem my broken chaos. For that and for weight watchers ice cream I am leaving you grateful!