True Story

So here are some real life quotes heard around our house the past few days.


As we are just about to pull into our homeschool CO-OP.
Child: Mom, Why are we always late for school? All the other families are not. 
Me: That is because this is where I fail at life.

As we are eating dinner.
Child: We had this for dinner last night. 
Me: Yes I know. 

As I am bent over child trying to tie her shoes for her.
Child: You are squishing your boobs together. Followed by crazy laughter.
No reply. What do you say to a child with no filter?
Just Keeping it real people.

As daddy is giving good night kisses.
Child: Everyone has their own smell. 
(This one is stinking cute.)


Me: Don't step in the baby powder. 
So in an effort to rid of some annoying ants I have covered several areas along the wall with baby powder. It seems to be working but really how long can one keep baby powder all over their floor? I am thinking it needs to go soon but then will the ants come back right away? Hmmmm... we shall see.

Thanks for listening to my random ramblings.

And here are the quotation culprits.

On a completely separate note. I took these pictures one night after a long evening of playing together because I thought they looked so stinking cute I wanted to remember them like this forever.

Where is your house built?

A 20 year old girl said yes. She married the man of her dreams. A few weeks before the wedding she couldn't believe this was her life, a fairy tale come true. 

A few weeks later - the wedding, the honey-moon, the move to a new place, figuring out how to live on her own. Trying to work, be a wife, grocery shop, budget, cook, clean and run a home.  Figuring out how to share space and time and everything with someone else. Figuring out that you don't always like that someone else. Finding out that this fairy tale is not exactly a happy ending. Wondering if there is hope. Wondering what happened to all those happy feelings and dreams she held just a short time ago. 

A young woman, now a wife. Feeling stuck in a life she wasn't sure she still wanted. Still feeling love for this man but feeling stuck in a cycle of hurt and fighting and pain and not sure how to make it better.   Crying out in desperation to her Savior. She lays it all bare and says she doesn't want to do it anymore. She doesn't like this life. His call is to surrender. For a moment she hesitates. She knows what surrender will mean. At least she thinks she does. But she says she will. 

She lays it down and commits again to this marriage. Not knowing what the future would hold. But knowing her Savior was worth following. When she begins to give up her pain and feelings about the marriage the Savior begins to show her how much she has to learn. How she has wronged him. How much she has hurt him. How she is not always as right as she imagines she is. Slowly her ideas about him begin to soften. And she sees how much he really does love her. How much he is trying to make her happy. She begins to forgive him and to seek his forgiveness. 

Slowly she learns what it means to be a wife that is after the heart of God. She learns to respect her man and to lift him up. She learns to bring him before the Lord and to beg the Lord to shape and mold him. But along the way she realizes that more than shaping and molding him the savior is shaping and molding her. And as her heart is changed their marriage is also being changed. 

And suddenly there is hope again. Life is peaceful. Joy fills the home. Hearts are being molded and drawn towards each other. The man is surrendered to the Lord. The Lord is the head of the home and the wife is surrendered to the man and the Lord. And now the fairy-tale is a distant memory but I would not be trade the joy of the moment for any fairy-tale. 

This is my story. 

I cannot be more grateful that my Savior called me to surrender when I was at the end of my hope. I thought that being willing to stay would be mean a life doomed to that crazy cycle. But instead when I was ready to let God lead me wherever He wanted I found infinite joy. And the love of my life. I love you Todd more now than 8 years ago when that young girl said yes. We have surely had the wind and rain beat upon our house and the storms of life threaten to knock us over but our house built upon the rock of Jesus Christ remains.  Praise Him!

Matthew 7:24 (NIV) "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock."

Postponement in the Desert

A few months ago I sat at my computer desk and opened an email from our agency. I read through the email and it basically said, "Bad news, bad news, bad news, you should probably be double applying, don't put all your eggs in this basket." So I read the email. I cried, I prayed and then I told God, "That's it I'm done. I quit this. I can't do it anymore." As I was praying there happened to be an advertisement for a video game on the right hand screen of my computer. And in big bold letters flashed, "CHOOSE YOUR GOD."

That same evening with my heart hard and hurting we made our way to church. Want to guess what the message was? It was about choosing who your God was going to be. If Jesus is really going to be your Lord and master then He should be able to tell you where to go, what to do. Even when you don't want to do it. So I sat there knowing this was exactly what my heart needed to hear. And I surrendered. I gave Him my hurting heart and my will. And I told Him I would do this if He wanted me to. I didn't know how or have the strength to walk this way one more minute but He is my Lord and my God and I choose Him.

Right now I am reading the book "Hinds feet on high places." The book is about a woman named 'Much-Afraid'. In the book the Shepherd promises Much-Afraid to take her to the High Places. More than anything in the world Much-Afraid wants to go there. She longs for it. And one day the Shepherd actually takes her to begin her journey towards the High places. One day when the path takes a turn into the desert and far away from the High Places Much-Afraid calls to her Shepherd and asks Him why. She cannot imagine why this is the path and feels like it must be a mistake. This cannot be the way he is leading. This way is going directly away from her hearts desire and she does not want to go. Taken from the book- "Then he answered her very quietly, 'Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert.' "

When I read these words it is like my God is speaking them directly to my soul. I don't understand why this is taking longer than I ever imagined. I sometimes feel like a fool for going this way. Why walk through this desert? There has to be a quicker way to have a child right. I mean pregnancy is shorter. I don't get it. And I wish I had a easier and quicker way. But for whatever reason He has lead us through this desert. He has lead us to this path. And I am trying to be faithful. I struggle. And many days I feel the weed of impatience in my heart. But I know He is good and so my heart says what Much-Afraid replied to her savior.

"I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."- Much-Afraid

Food for thought

I was just chewing on an article I read. The teenage son of a pastor (black) asks a white girl from his Christian school if she would attend his senior prom with him. She says yes but then a few days later comes back to him with tears and says her dad, "doesn't believe in that." This church going, assuming Bible believing dad doesn't believe in that.

So I am just wondering, assuming our adoption works out and we really bring home a beautiful dark skinned baby boy, will anyone be offended in 18 years if he wants to take your white daughter to prom? Or what if in 25 years he asks your daughter to marry him? Will anyone really think, "I don't believe in that kind of thing?"

I hope not, but I cannot help to think that may be something we will encounter.

And I am chewing on that today.

True Beauty

A few days ago I was looking at some pictures on the computer with Claire. We came to this one. I asked her, "Who are these two pretty little girls?" She pointed to the little blond in the pink and black (herself) and said, "This one is not pretty."

That little comment broke my heart in two. I often tell her she is beautiful. Her daddy says it too. She is not compared to her sister. We dont tell Elizabeth she is pretty more often than we tell Claire. I talk to my girls so much about what it means to be "beautiful." I tell them beauty is about more than just what you look like on the outside or the clothes you wear. I tell them the truth about what God says is beautiful (1st Peter 3:4) ..." The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I have quoted that verse to them a gazzilion times. But still she thought she was not pretty.

I look at that picture and cannot even fathom why that little three year old girl could possibly think she is not pretty. Her little smile lights up a room. Her big blue eyes and long blond hair are the things women envy. But when she looked at that picture she saw herself as not measuring up. She said her dress was not as pretty as the other girls (Elizabeth). "And no one else in our family has light hair like me." (Her quote)

This made me think about how often I have looked in the mirror and thought, "This one is not pretty." Even though my hubby tells me I am beautiful often. Even though my parents have told me I was pretty. Even though I have memorized that verse from 1st Peter. I still look at myself and see that I do not measure up. I am not as thin or as nicely dressed. My hair is not quite right. My clothes are not stylish. My makeup looks a mess. I am not as pretty as that other girl. And it makes me wonder is God looking down and thinking exactly what I thought when Claire said that. "My sweet child if you only saw yourself through my eyes you would know you are beautiful."

I wonder if it makes His heart sad too when we compare ourselves with someone else and say that we have fallen short.

Psalm 139:14
" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well."

Leaning

I had so much fun at my retreat last weekend. I came home rested and rejuvenated! And while I loved loved loved almost everything about the retreat (except the 17 hours it took to get there), I must admit it was hard to be around all these mommas who were sharing pictures of babies with dark skin and big brown eyes when my heart is dreaming of my own little guy. Its hard to hear stories of gotcha days and big ways that God provided when my heart is longing to see the end of our story. It makes the ache in my heart a little stronger and the yearning just a little more unbearable. I will admit I have been unusually teary the last week. I seriously started tearing up in line at the Christian book store because they were asking for child sponsorship and had pictures of little dark skinned babies posted to tug at your heart strings. I almost lost it and then I had to remind myself, "you are in public get a hold of yourself."

This aching is real and this longing I have for our child is hard. And sometimes when I look at all the 'facts" I get pretty discouraged. If I lean on my own understanding of the way this works out it seems impossible and like this thing will never work out well. And I will be honest, I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been looking at all the wind and waves and I have been drowning a little. But just like Jesus caught Peter when he was drowning (Matthew 14:22-33), He is really faithful to catch me.

I was having one of those drowning days on Wednesday. I was crying and venting to Todd. I love that my husband is so wise because he listened to my craziness and then he said, "God's work is done best when it looks impossible for Him to do it."

So for now my eyes are back on my God and off the waves. The view is much better here.

My heart is encouraged by these truths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Since October

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!