Thank you mom

So last night I came home from work. I was rushing around trying to get dinner and get ready because I was going to weight watchers. I finished making dinner and sat hot dogs and oranges down in front of my kids. In my mind I was feeling like a bad mom. I was not having a good day and was feeling a bit guilty about dinner not being more extravagent and healthy. As I walked away Elizabeth said, "Thank you mommy for making dinner. You made very good hot dogs and oranges." My heart melted and in that one instant a comment from my two year old reminded me that I am doing my best and it really was good enough for that moment.

Hard Talk

I have an incredible husband. He loves me and our family selflessly and unconditionally. We have a great marriage and we work well together, but we are human and we have fights and moments where we argue and moments where one or both of us are being selfish.

It was the end of the night and we were both tired. We were giving our kids their before bed snack. We started arguing over something and I don't even remember what it was. I raised my voice and we ended the conversation having neither resolved it nor made up. I walked away and sat down in the next room. When I walked away I heard Elizabeth talk to her daddy, "Daddy, why are you talking hard?" Daddy: "Sometimes mommies and daddies do that, but we should always talk gentle. Elizabeth: "When I grow up I can talk hard?" Daddy: "No."

I sat listening to this conversation and my heart was broken. My eyes filled with tears and I repented. I was so concerned with myself that I disrespected my husband and was an awful example for my girls.

A few minutes later Elizabeth and I were alone and I apologized to her and told her I was wrong for speaking to her daddy that way. I also apologized to Todd in front of the kids.

I want to teach my girls to be loving and respectful wives. I wish I modeled that for them 100% of the time. I hope that the good will impress upon their heart much more than the bad. In my sadness I had a hope. Maybe the best impression I can give them is that good wives are willing to admit mistakes and good moms know when to tell their kids they are sorry.

God's answer

Every night our family has devotional time. We read from a children's Bible together and pray. Most nights this time is very short. With a one and two year old even 4 minutes can feel too long. A few nights ago while we were reading our baby jumped off the couch and started pointing towards the stairs and whining, while the other child was humming something. All of this while we were trying to do something that I consider important. In my time of frustration I prayed and asked God to show me is this worth it. I believe teaching my children about God and introducing them to Him is important, but in that moment I wondered if this Bible time meant anything. Did it teach them or was it simply for show? I am all about questioning and making sure the things we are doing are for a purpose and not just because of habit. So I asked God, please show me if this matters.

Fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday afternoon we were driving in the car with my mom and Heather. My mom handed Lizzie a piece of paper and she was drawing something. My mom asked her what she was drawing. Her answer was, "Manna". My mom said, "Nana?" Lizzie: "No, manna." I chime in and say "Did you say manna?" Lizzie: "Yes, manna and gail. They did have it for breakfast." Immediately I am reminded that on that night when I thought no one was listening, we read about God providing the Isrealites with Manna and Quail in the dessert. My heart was humbled as I realized God answered my question. Yes this is worth it. Do I think they will understand everything now? No. Do I think that by reading to my kids every night this will ensure they are Christians? No. My hope is that God's holy spirit will use the words of the Bible to draw them to himself. That maybe someday my own children will respond to the voice of God and surrender themselves to Christ.

I heard two things when she said that, one was: "yes, it is worth it', but I was also reminded that God listens to me and that he does answer.

Perspective

Since my last post I have gained some perspective. My feelings from Monday were brought on mostly by the fact that I was trying to clean out my bedroom closet. Todd is painting in our bedroom this weekend and I was trying to clear the space. After dealing with kids and stuff and craziness that morning I was left feeling discontent. When the kids went to sleep on Monday night, Todd and I finished cleaning up our bedroom and after 4 bags of stuff to donate and 1 bag filled with stuff to throw away I am feeling much better.

I am humbled when I realize that so many people have so little and I have so much. I am thankful for a house that is warm, food to eat, and family. God has a way of gently reminding me how much we have when my heart starts to wander. My house is not perfect. I still feel like I would like more space. But today I am choosing to be happy with the space I have.

Genuine

So to be very honest and real this moment... I am praying for a more thankful and grateful heart. But I admit I just feel very discontented. Maybe venting it will help a bit. My desire is not to sound like we have nothing. Our family is very blessed. We have good jobs and live well. Our children have everything they need and more and we have food in our cupboards. We are blessed.

I am feeling unhappy about our house. We live in a nice house. My husband is very handy and has fixed up every room of it. I just wish we had more space. My kids have separate rooms, but they are tiny. We have a spacious living room and kitchen, but the kids play area has overtaken them and I feel like I cannot breathe sometimes. It is easier in the summer. In the summer we spend hours outdoors. We have an acre of land and it is pretty secluded, so we have lots of space to run. But now it is winter. Well, fall, but Michigan pretty much skips fall and goes straight for cold. We are stuck inside a lot and I feel like the four walls are closing in. Selling our house would be an option if we could sell it for a third of what we owe. The housing market has taken a huge crash in our area and the house behind us sold for somewhere around $30,000.

This house is beautiful and when it was just my husband and I it was perfect. With one child it was livable, but now with two kids I feel like I am suffocating.

Praying for a miracle and praying for a more content heart until then.

Funeral

Todd's uncle passed away this week. Death is sad. My heart broke while we were at the funeral home. My heart broke for his wife. This beautiful woman who has spent the majority of her life with this man. Making a life, creating children, growing old. She now has to wake up to a world without him. My heart broke as I walked by the casket and saw a teddy bear with the words "Papa Norms" on it. My heart breaks for his grandchildren who now know what it means to have lost someone they adore. My heart breaks for those things because those hit close to home. I have thought about how it may feel if I lost my husband. The mere thought is excruciating. I cannot imagine what the reality is like. I have thought about watching my own children lose someone they love. A few months back, when we thought my own dad was having a heart attack, I wondered how in the world I would tell my babies that they lost their papa. Death is painful. Death is final. As Christians we have hope. We know that if we believe in Jesus and trust in him for our salvation we will live again. We have hope that this is not the end. There is a future after we have died. We can see our loved ones again in eternity. But the here and now is where we live. We still have to wake up each morning and face life without those we miss.

While I was talking with one of Uncle Norms daughters in law, she told me that this summer was amazing. He spent the summer with her and her husband and children. She said they made memories and she believes if he would have known it was his last days, he would have spent them the exact same way. That is a life that is well lived. I only hope I can live each day like that. Because in all actuality none of us knows when our last days will come. We need to love our family. We need to say the things we have left unsaid. We need to seek forgiveness and offer forgiveness. I hope that when my days have ended someone will be able to say that they believe I would not have done anything different. And I hope to hear those words from Jesus, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Real Life Diva

I have my own diva. She is about 3 feet tall and 2.5 years old. Elizabeth has now become a true fashionista. We struggle daily with what she will wear. I pick out something and she always wants to wear a dress. Even today when it was 60 degrees outside she wanted to wear a dress up spaghetti strap dress and only the dress. We compromised. While we were in the house she wore the dress. When we went outside she wore the dress over jeans and a t-shirt. It remotely satisfied her. I know I cannot let her rule the world, but I am trying to carefully choose my battles. In the end I kind of think its cute. My little girl wants nothing more than to be pretty and girly. These are all things I wished for once upon a time. I just thought I would have a little more control over it! :)