First World Problems

Yesterday I caught myself in a bit of a tantrum. Most of it was internal. But it was a tantrum anyway. I was irritated to start with because Claire lost one of her sandals. We were at my parents house for the day and Claire and Elizabeth went with my mom and dad across the street to swim at a neighbors. They came back and the kids laid down for some quiet time. Later, when it was time to leave, I started packing up our things and then I went to get the kids shoes. I found 3 shoes. Both of Elizabeth's were there but only one of Claire's. So then I began to search for the missing shoe. We were pretty sure that my parents new puppy had carried it off. I looked all over the house and after about 20 minutes of looking inside my mom went to look at the neighbors house. The shoe was nowhere to be found.

I left the house without the shoe. I was pretty irritated. Not with anyone but just aggravated. And to make matters worse it was 100 degrees outside. We were supposed to stop at the mall on the way home because I needed to return something. We went into the shopping center and I was carrying Claire because she was shoeless. Of course the moment we get into the store the kids need to use the bathroom. And it is pretty difficult to help a two year old use the potty while not being able to let her touch the ground. Needless to say poor Claire's little tush went into the toilet. I was feeling quite irritated and generally crabby. We finished our business and made our first stop at the discount shoe store to get sandals for miss Claire. We bought our sandals and made our return and left the mall.

Somewhere within this time frame God spoke truth into my heart. It was not audible. But it was clear. I need to be thankful for these problems. The reality is many people in the world live their whole lives without shoes. They cannot afford them. So they do without. My kid loses one and I can go right to the store and buy a new pair. Many people have no running water or toilets. Let me remember that the next time I complain about having to take my kids to the potty. How would I feel to have to take them to a hole in the ground? And then have to get water from the lake less than 20 feet away?

So as my crabby butt was driving my air-conditioned van on my way to my air-conditioned house I remembered that the majority of the world lives without these luxuries. My first world problems would be a blessing to many. Did that automatically make me less crabby? Not really. Did my mood get dramatically better? No. And I had to stop on the way home because Claire threw up in the car. Added joy, right?

But it does add perspective. And I am still chewing on that one.

Abide

Emotionally I am in a rough place right now. My head is screaming this cannot be the right way, but then God speaks and says, "This is my way." We are still not "officially" wait listed yet. And everything within me is screaming and ranting about it. On the outside I still have to function normally. I have to do laundry and make meals and clean the house.

And I have the privilege of being entrusted two little precious girls that lean on me for their every need. And while I treasure them and am so thankful for every moment with them, I know someone is missing. I am longing to hold my precious son. I am longing for that moment when I see his face for the first time. And today is one of those days when I am just not ok with waiting. And my heart is broken by it.

But today is a day that I have to wait never the less. And even in the midst of this I am thankful that I can abide in my God. I am encouraged as I remember that my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55). And that although this road is not leading where I planned or where I wanted, it was His plan all along.

And whether it will lead me where I want or not I am walking in obedience.

2nd Corinthians 5:7 (NIV)

"For we live by faith, not by sight."

Adoption update

I have been asked several times this week by random people if we were "done" having kids. People at the bank, people at work. Just random people. No, I reply. To some I share the story that we are adopting. But I admit my heart has a twinge of sadness when people ask. Not because I don't want to have more. Not because I don't want to share that we are adopting. But because my heart gets a little sad when I think that we are indeed missing a member of our family and I am not sure when he will be home with us.

Last Friday we were blessed to watch my dear friend's two week old baby for a few hours. Elizabeth and Claire were in love. And when the baby left Claire asked when we were getting her baby brother back. With all the adoption talk she thought that little guy was ours to keep. It was super sweet and she totally understood when I explained who he belonged to. But still my heart was sad. When our we getting our baby brother home? I can't help but wonder.

Our dossier is almost complete. We are waiting on approval from immigration and I have a few more items to gather. And then we send this set of paperwork out along with the agency fee of $1,700.00. And then we will be officially on the wait list. But that to me is bittersweet. Ethiopia is uncertain right now. Things are shaky and wait times are being lengthened. I am so ready to get our official wait time started. But we are still not clear how long it will be. We are uncertain of many things. But what I cling to is that God is not uncertain. He has us in this place at this time for a reason.

When I pray sometimes I just beg God to allow our baby to be home soon. Sometimes I get weepy thinking we may have to wait years to hold him in our arms. But yesterday after reading an email from our agency with more confirmation of longer wait times Todd reminded me that it does not matter what it looks like to our eye. We are walking by faith. We serve the God who created the world by his word in 6 days. The God who parted the red sea. The God who made barren old men fertile. The God who kept Jonah in the belly of a fish. The God who raised Lazarus from the dead. The God who healed the blind, sick and leper. The God who became a man and died on the cross and on the third day defeated death. We serve a God who calls things into existence simply by his word and calls dead things alive again. He takes men who are murderers and makes them saints. He makes things that are not into things that are. He is the God who lead us here. He is the God who is still leading. And we are following Him by faith that He is leading us.

When the Ethiopian government first announced that they were slowing down adoption approvals I was reading a book. In many ways that book was what kept me sane during that awful moment. The book is called "Hinds Feet on High Places". It is an allegory about a woman's (Much- Afraid) journey through life with God. During one part of the story the Shepard asks the young woman if she would follow Him even if it looked like he was deceiving her. She said she would. He then asked would she follow Him if He did deceive her. Much-Afraid looked at her Shepard and replied out of an honest but broken and confused heart that she believed He was incapable of deceiving her but that she would follow Him if He did. The book follows her journey and in many moments the way that the Shepard leads little Much-Afraid appeared to be wrong. At times it even appeared to go in the opposite direction of their ultimate journey. You have to read for yourself to see where they end up. But I choose to believe that God's purposes will prevail even if it looks like we are being lead away from the very thing we seek. Our God sees the bigger picture.

Psalm 48:14 "For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." (NIV)

Days of Grace

The other morning the kids and I were having a discussion about grace while eating breakfast. It was clear to me that grace was not exactly something they understood. I tried to explain that grace was getting something that you do not deserve or getting something better than what you deserve. I am sure technically and biblically it has a more full meaning but I was trying to lay it out to them in the simplest terms. So I sat there trying to explain but sure that they were still not getting it and after a while I just prayed silently that God would give me opportunities to display grace to them tangibly that day.

Fast forward a few hours. I had all but forgotten my little prayer. We were frantically trying to get out the door to take dinner to a precious friend who had just had a baby. The girls were doing their very best to delay us and I was trying to do my best to not lose my patience. After a frantic scramble to get in the car we finally made it. While in the car Elizabeth asked if we could go in the house for just a minute so they could see the baby. In my mind we were already late for where we needed to be after we drop off dinner and these kids certainly did not deserve to get out of this car. It took me forever to get them in the car to begin with. It was then I heard, "Give them grace." Honestly I did not want to give them grace right now. I wanted to run in and quickly drop off the food so I could get to work quicker. But then I remembered my prayer and decided to tell them that they did not deserve to go in but I would let them go in and give them grace.

I am not sure that it clicked or them or that they understand grace really well.

But that picture clicked in my heart how often I get grace my my Lord. How often do I deserve the things he gives? I know my heavenly father constantly showers me with grace. He constantly gives me more than I deserve and forgives my faults. After getting the kids down for nap today I sat to read my Bible and do my daily devotional. The devotional was talking all about how we are to love others with the same love God has shown us. His love for us is inexhaustible. And it clicked for me. I do not love my children like that. I do not shower them in grace. I want to. I want to love them the way my heavenly father loves me. But so often I am impatient and get "huffed" with their failures. My heavenly father thankfully does not parent me the same way I parent my children. He is slow to anger and rich in love. (Psalm 145:8) May I learn to love them with the love of God. And make each day a day filled with grace.

A prayer a day

A couple of years ago I sat down for my devotional time and was heaped with a load of guilt. My heart felt really heavy. I was feeling super guilty because of the lack of prayer for my husband and children. So I sat down and I talked to God about my feelings. What came from that moment was an idea straight from the Lord. Every day of the week I pray one thing for them. Every week it is the same 7 things and every day it is something new. I sat down with my Bible and tried to find out what seven things I thought were on God's heart for my family. I will share today what I pray for Todd.

Monday- I pray for our marriage.
Ephesians 4:21-33 is the basis for this prayer. I pray for us that we could learn to submit to each other. I pray that I will learn to respect him the way I should and that he could learn to love me the way I need. I pray that we will become more unified and that God would help us to grow more in oneness.

Tuesday- I pray for Todd as a father.
Ephesians 6:4 is the basis for this along with Proverbs 22:6. I pray that Todd will have wisdom to raise our children well and to teach them to follow the Lord. I pray that he will have patience with them and that they will always have a close bond with their daddy.

Wednesday- I pray for Todd as the leader of our home.
Again I look at Ephesians 4:21-33 and see that Todd is the head of our home and I pray for him that he will lead us more to the Lord and that God would give him wisdom in regards to all decisions. Along with this I pray for work and that he would have wisdom to lead our family well financially. I pray that he would give generously to others and to the work of the Lord.

Thursday- I pray for Todd's friendships.
If we look at Psalm 1 we see how valuable having the right people around us is. I pray for Todd that he would have men in his life who love the Lord and will hold him accountable and encourage him.

Friday- I pray for Todd's thoughts.
2nd Corinthians 10:5 is the basis for this prayer. I pray that Todd would daily soak himself in God's word and that God would convict him and help him take captive any idea that is against what God wants. I pray for the holy spirit to bring scripture to Todd's mind that will lead him in making Godly decisions.

Saturday- I pray for Todd in regards to his sexuality.
The basis for this prayer is Proverbs 6:20-29 and Proverbs 5:15-19. I know that for a man sex is a need and lust is one area that Satan has taken control of so many men's lives. So I pray for Todd that he would have victory over lust in his life. I pray that God would help him divert his eyes when he sees images that will harm him. And honestly it is not his fault that he sees many of the images. Most of them are thrown at him everywhere from billboards to the woman walking down the street. But I pray that God would shield him from temptations and when he is tempted will show him the way out. Along with this I pray that I would be quick to satisfy his needs and not withhold affection and the love he craves. I pray God would bless our marriage bed and make it something holy and pleasing to Him.

Sunday- I pray for Todd that he would be a man after God's own heart.
I suppose I could use the whole Bible to point to the fact that God longs for communion with my husband. And so I pray that Todd would not be content with normal or average but that he would thirst and hunger for God.

These prayers have really given me a whole new love for Todd. Daily I pray and beg for God to impart more of himself to my husband and daily I find my love for my husband growing. I think when we pray for someone we really begin to have God's heart for that person.

I have shared them with the hopes that these prayers could bring freedom to someone. Maybe you are like me and you are so hit and miss with praying for your spouse. Maybe you need something tangible and easy to remember so when you think to pray for them you aren't just praying "God please bless them." Not that it is wrong to pray that, but I think God longs for so much more for our husbands than just his blessings. He longs to give them more of himself.

I purposely gave only scripture references and not the actual verses. I hope you will search God's word for yourself and see what He longs for your spouse. And I challenge you to either use these or find your own things but pray for your husband each day. You will be so glad you did.

Big Girl Bed

A couple of months ago we made the leap and moved Claire into a big girl bed. I was apprehensive. She is our limit tester so I believed we might have some issues on our hands with staying put in her bed.

And although she has pushed the boundaries a little more than Elizabeth did with her bed she overall has done well. One thing we have going for us is this girl loves to sleep. She enjoys her sleep and will certainly let us know when she needs to be in bed.

At first she started getting up super early only because she could. But I quickly took her back to her room and let her know that we don't get up until a decent hour. At first it was a bit of struggle but now she stays put if she wakes up and it is still dark outside.

We have found her with some pretty interesting things in her bed.



I cannot believe that we do not have a crib in our home right now. I cannot believe my baby is going to be three soon. It makes me sad to see her grow up. I keep warning the kids I am going to stop feeding them so they stop growing. But they continue to talk me into giving them nourishment. Sadly they are going to grow up. It makes me want our baby boy home even more. Will that ever go away? Wanting to have a baby in the house. Maybe but right now I we are planning for a bigger house so we can fill it with babies. :)

The Wedding Verse

1st Corinthians 13 has become known as the wedding verse. It has been read at countless weddings. And I think it is with good intentions. After all God is the creator of love. He, of all people, would know how to do it well. And although that verse is read at a lot of weddings, I do not see it being lived out in many marriages.

I was challenged yesterday as I listened to a radio broadcast to think of what I would want my husband to say, many years in the future, if he were to give the Eulogy at my funeral.

My mind went to 1st Corinthians 13. As I read these verses though I was more struck at how much I am not like this at all when it comes to my marriage.

1st Corinthians 13: 4-7
" Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

The very beginning strikes a cord in me. Am I patient? Sure I would say. But am I patient even when I feel like Todd is not listening to me? Am I patient when I feel like he has forgotten to do what I asked him to? Am I patient when I ask him to take out the trash and he does not do it the moment I want it done? I am not. I am patient as long as he does things in my timetable. I am patient as long as he is patient with me. But love it says is patient. No patient if. No patient if they deserve it, patient if they earn it, patient if you feel like it. Love is patient.

Am I kind? Sure. Most of the time. But do I speak with kindness and love if I feel hurt? Do I speak to him with tones that are kind when he is not acting how I want him to? Do I treat him with the kindness I do to total strangers. Sadly many times I am more kind to the grocery store clerk than my own husband. Love is kind. Love is kind. I want to love.

Love does not envy. How many days do I think about how good someone else has it? Or wish that Todd did this or that. (Insert wishful thinking for whatever here) Love does not envy.

Love does not boast. How many times have I told him that he should do something this way or that. I know the best way to bathe the kids or feed them. My way is better than his, right? Love does not boast.

Love is not proud. Love does not think it has the best way. My way is not the best way. My way is simply different and love would not act like it has everything figured out.

Love is not rude. Have I ever been rude to Todd? Sadly more times than I want to admit. I find myself being more rude to him than anyone else in the whole world many days. But I justify it as just being real with him. I am just being honest about how I feel, right? Love is not rude.

Love is not self-seeking. Do I seek his best interest in everything? Do I even seek his best interest in most things? I am not sure I do. I am, in fact, sure I do not.

Love is not easily angered. How many days is my fuse very short with him? I blame him most of the time. Doesn't he get what I am feeling. Doesn't he understand me at all? Does it matter? Love is not easily angered.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Ouch. This one stings. How many times have I replayed something he has done that hurt me? How many times do I remember his faults and quickly point out how often he does a particular thing? Love keeps no record.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love cares about truth. Truth is Jesus Christ. Truth is the word of God. Do I side with God's word? Do I rejoice when God is given glory? Do I rejoice when Todd obeys the Lord even when it costs me something? Ouch. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects. Do I protect my husband? Do I protect his reputation by the way I speak about him? Or do I let it slip to my girl-friend how wounded I am over what he did last night? After all I need to vent, right? Love always protects. Always.

Love always trusts. Do I trust Todd? Yes. Do I always trust his judgement? Do I always side with him when battling over something with the kids? Do I trust that he is wise and has our families best interest at heart? I want to. But so many times I find myself thinking I have a better way and if he would just listen to me. But love always trusts.

Love always hopes. Do I hope that things will get better when things are dark? Do I hope that he will make wise choices? Do I hope our marriage will be thriving and wonderful? I do but many times I find my hope wavering. Love always hopes.

Love always perseveres. The reality is marriage is not always easy. Our relationship is not always fun and filled with life. But love perseveres. Love perseveres when things are rough. Love perseveres when my spouse makes a bad decision. Love always perseveres. Sadly, I do not.

I am sorry Todd. I know we have had a very good marriage. But I look at this verse and it does not describe me. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I do not always love you. You are good man. You are deserving of my trust in your judgement. You are deserving of my protection of your character. You love me so well. And many times you love me much more than I deserve and much more than I love you in return. You do not deserve the brunt of my bad days or crazy hormones. Forgive me for not loving you wholly and completely. And thank you because I already know that you are far more willing to forgive me than I am willing to forgive you. Thank you for being a man of integrity and honor and for seeking after the truth of Jesus Christ.

Many people might look at this verse and say it is impossible to always do all these things. You may be right. In our state of brokenness and in our fallen world we will never love perfectly as our heavenly father has loved us.

But at the end of my days I want for my husband to be able to say that I tried. And so I want to give God my brokenness and ask Him to redeem. I want to give Him my strength and willingness to love Todd and ask Him for His strength and willingness to love Todd.

2nd Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."