Follow the Leader

     Sunday we were surprisingly blessed with 65 degree weather. Living in Michigan, 65 degree weather is like heaven because we have been living around 30 degrees since November. Since we were so desperate for some outdoor activity we loaded the bikes and everyone up and headed to the park to ride the bike path.

    Daddy was the leader followed by the girls and I was bringing up the rear. As we would come to a part of the path that seemed impassable, one of the girls would start to get nervous and begin to whine a bit. Saying things like, "I can't do it."  I would talk to them calmly and say, "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." And then we would come up to the seemingly impassable area and said child would complete it. No problem.

    After repeating this a couple times I felt this gentle nudge in my heart. I am just like my girls. You see I have been looking ahead at some paths that seem insurmountable. There are some things, that I have been telling myself, I am not sure I can make it passed. Some parts of the road ahead look too rocky and too hard. And I have been wondering if I could make it through. It was as if God himself was whispering to me,  "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." I know something about the path that my kids do not factor into their thoughts. I would never leave them. Even if there was a portion of the path they could not physically handle, I would get off my bike and carry us all through it. The path is not important to me. But my children are. And I feel like he was whispering that truth to me. He won't abandon me. He cares for me more lovingly and perfectly than I care for my own children. Will I trust Him? Will I follow Him?

    What about you? Do you have some paths up ahead that look a little rough?

Broken

Have you ever had a day where you wish you could wash away the hurt and the pain and the sting in the shower? When the day reminds you of your brokenness and frailty. When they day slaps you in the face with your failings. When your heart breaks and you weep for those around you that are hurting too. I had that day. And I seem to be having those days. 

And on one such day I heard the most hurtful words flung from the mouth of a babe. And I hurt down deep because those words first came from my mouth. And the sting was deep. And I cried out God help me. Change my messy broken soul. Make me something more. Make my heart something that pleases you. Make this frail broken mess something that brings you glory. And I weep. And I ache. 

And I shower to try to wash away the numbness. And I cry. And I eat cookies. And I sit on the floor and have tickle fights. And I weep long in the arms of the man I love. And it still hurts. And I am still broken. 

But my God is big. And His mercy and grace are new every morning. He is perfect. He is good. He is holy. I am not. And today I can rest in the fact that His grace is sufficient for my weakness. 

And I list gifts. 

#555 cookies

#556 lunch with dad

#557 wrapping gifts with little girls

 #558 tickle fights in the floor

#559 stopping by a friends 

And joy comes still in the midst of pain. 

Some exciting news to share!

     Many of you know that we have been waiting Impatiently for referral from Ethiopia since 2010. That road has been rocky and rough to say the least. There have been lots of discouragements and not much good news to report. So I am super happy to have some good news to share with you all. Ethiopia is still rough. Our agency has not had a referral since April. We have been desperately praying about what God would want us to do. And it has been a tough decision. As many of you know our hearts were set on Ethiopia. And we have been heartbroken to think that may not happen. But God is good. And while we still do not know for sure that the door to Ethiopia is closed we are feeling a peace to apply to another country. 

     I am super happy to tell you in the thick of the rough road God has opened up a new direction for us. And I am happy to report we are pursuing an independent adoption from The Democratic Republic of The Congo. We are almost done with our dossier and I am hoping that by the end of this month we will be officially waiting! 

   What this means officially is that we are still technically on a wait list for Ethiopia. And we will also be on a waiting list for DRC. But we are not even close to the top on the Ethiopian list and it hasn't moved at all in the past 6 months. So we are hopeful that the DRC list will move more quickly. We are using a facilitator that we trust very much to find a child and an attorney in DRC.  This particular facilitator has been giving referrals to families within weeks of getting their dossier done. But our hope is to have a referral within a few months. Once the referral comes in we have to say yes or no and agree to work with the attorney who is connected with that child. If we agree we then have to pay the attorney fees/ and child-care expenses, which will total roughly $16,000.00 Once we have that in order our attorney files paperwork for us in DRC and we get a court date. After a lot of paperwork and waiting, if we pass court we will then apply for embassy dates and get to meet our child in country. This will probably be roughly 5 months from when we get a referral. And after lawyer fees, legal fees, childcare costs, flights and stay in country we are expecting to have to come up with roughly $25,000-$30,000 in the next 6 months or so. 

    So with that in mind we would love for you all to join us to help get our little guy home. 

Here is what you can do. 

    First and foremost PRAY. This is the most important. God is the one who decides the outcome here. Not us. And we know that God moves on behalf of the prayers of his people. Pray for God to lead us to the right child. Pray for God to orchestrate our paperwork and to have us ready when our child is. Pray for God to prepare us emotionally, physically and financially for this new child. Pray for God to protect our child and get him into the hands of people who will fight for him. The DRC is very unstable. The more I have been reading about this precious country the more my heart is broken for the people and the children who are in the midst of war. Please pray for the nation of DRC. And pray for God to bring redemption there. Pray. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. And let us know you are praying. We are so encouraged when people tell us they are praying for us. This process is hard. And we feel weary many days. But we are so blessed by our community that has been actively praying for us and our baby.  The people who have sent emails, texts, and calls. People who have hugged us, cried with us, let us vent. We are tremendously blessed by our friends, and family and friends who are family. Thank you! Thank-you! Thank-you! So please keep praying. 

    And if you are able and would like to support us we have a few fundraising options coming up in the next couple months. 

    Right now we are selling shirts to raise money. T-shirts, green or black S, M, L, XL are $20.00. Sizes 2XL-3XL are $22.00. Hooded Sweatshirts $30.00. If you require shipping it will be an additional $5.00. We are pre-selling shirts until December 17th. We can have them out by Christmas if we get your order by then. Contact me if you are interested. 

Giving Thanks

    It was one of those days when a lot of what is wrong with the world was smacking us in the face. It was just a struggle. A bad day. A day that could make me sink. I started the day waking up 20 mins late. I rushed around to get everyone out the door. As we were driving in the car, I thought of how my Bible lay unopened that morning. My devotional book un-cracked. My daily Thanksgiving journal lay untouched. I hungered for that connection I get with God from those moments. But I cried out to him in the car in the midst of the chaos and kids arguing. I cried out to him and just said, "I need you Lord. Please meet me today."

    The day was hard. Hurtful words thrown my way. Kids not obeying. Deadlines looming over-head. News of friends hurting, real, raw. Kids fighting. Momma's nerves wearing thin. Plans having to be shifted and changed. Disappointment settling over the kids. But in the midst I saw His fingerprints. I saw God reaching out to me. Reminding me that He was there. He was writing my story and His plans are good. An unexpected lunch invitation. A friend helping me, right when I needed it. Daddy home to stay with kids while I make an afternoon grocery run. Watching the girls trim our Christmas tree in the kitchen. Snuggling close with girls while watching a long anticipated movie.

After the kids were snuggled into bed, books read, prayers said and kisses given. I sat alone in the living room. I watched the lights on the Christmas tree dance. I sipped a warm cup of apple cinnamon tea and cracked open my Bible and Thanksgiving journal. My heart was over whelmed with peace. Peace that is beyond understanding.

In the midst of hard God is still there. And there is good. Such goodness still.

Will you join me today and be on the look out for what your heart can be Thankful for?

Doing the next thing

I woke up this morning way too tired. I woke up this morning way too crabby. I woke up this morning with my heart full of way too much. I went over the list in my head of all the to dos for the day and the to dos for the week and it was all too much.

There is no way I can possibly be all that everyone around me needs me to be. I need to parent and disciple these two precious little girls well. I need to teach their minds and hearts knowledge and the studies of all things. I need to discipline them well and instill a heart of gratitude.

I need to be a good wife to my husband. I need to be respectful and submit to His leadership. I need to make him feel welcome and treasured when he is home and to think and talk well of him in his absence.

I need to be housekeeper and clean and organize the space we are blessed to call home.  I need to wash, dry and fold the mountain of clothes we are blessed to have. I need to create healthy and filling meals to nourish our bodies.

On top of all of these I need to make time to read God's word and pray (most important), to rest (so needed) , to exercise (Let's not even go there). I need to do these and one hundred other little tasks each day. And I want to do them with excellence.

But if I am truly honest sometimes I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. It is all too much.

So I found myself crying this morning as I was putting another load of laundry in the washer. Fighting my way down the basement stairs with arms too full and stuff falling down around me as I walked. And crying. Crying real the kind where you start to breath all huffy. Crying over laundry. And not laundry. Crying because I can't do it all. Crying because I am overtired from staying up too late.

And I stopped in the midst of my huffy breathing and gave thanks. Raw, hard thanks. Thanks for a washer that works and for the little girls giggling up the stairs. Thanks for the arms and legs that are healthy enough for the task. And I cried out to God to please help me make it through this day and the million tasks that lie ahead.

And then I did the next thing. A while back I came across a poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot that talks about when your heart is feeling overwhelmed that the best thing to do is to cast your cares on God and do the next thing. Do it with reliance on God and thanksgiving.

So I did that. I began cleaning one area at a time. First the kitchen. Moving onto the living room. Now here I am. Its almost noon. I still have much to do. And much that may be left undone. But my heart is filled with new joy.

If you are feeling a bit like I was today., I encourage you to do the next thing and do it with thanksgiving.

Monday Musings

 It was Monday. The day was long already and it was only 2 pm. I was battling an allergy headache and a soul full of crabbiness. I had given on up on the rest of school work for the day after finding one child had purposely taken her sisters "special" coloring page and "finished" it for her. I no longer had the energy. I was attempting to reassemble our house after a weekend of disaster fun. Laundry was piled high. There were remnants of playtime all over the house. Markers and crayons strewn on and under the table.  Building blocks thrown about the living room. 

 

 I am not sure what was the thing that set me off. Maybe the dirty socks that were found laying under the kitchen table. But my mouth went into full out war. I found myself saying things like, "Do you think I am your maid?" Just hearing the words come from my mouth I knew. I could see how my grasping for peace was turning our home into a war zone. 

Why do I do that? Why do I demand perfection from myself and thus place those expectations on my family? Does it matter that much if my house is perfectly in order? I know it does not. But there are moments I think it's my right to have a clean home. It's my right to have things put back the way I left them. It's my right to not have to clean up markers and crayons for the 77th time today. 

 What about my rights? 

 Mark 10:42-45 (NIV)

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

The Son of God left His rights and gave Himself up to serve. There are days that this life doesn't feel like service to God. The daily grind of making meals, teaching kids, doing laundry, dishes, and chauffeuring from here to there. This daily living is not exceptional. But I was reminded the other day while reading My Utmost for His Highest that God does not require me to do exceptional things. But instead He wants me to live my daily life in an extraordinary way. 

I admit the daily serving of those closest to me is the hardest for me. It is hard for me to respond patiently when the girls are arguing for the  millionth time today and I don't want to be referee. It is hard to respond with love to the whines of a child.  (Something about that decibal just grates on my nerves.) When I walk into a room, that was just cleaned, to find it now completely destroyed the very last thing I want to think about is serving my family with love. 

My girls only have one mom. My husband only has one wife. Our home can be cleaned by anyone.  The laundry will still be in the same spot when I get back to it. And food can be ordered take-out. But there is only one person who can fulfill the  role of wife and mom to my family. And that is me. 

I really would like to say I got over my funk and am back to being a loving mom and wife. But really, the truth is, I am all too often in that funk. I am all too often demanding my own rights instead of looking for ways to serve my family. 

Lord- Give me eyes to see how to love my family today with the heart of a servant. Forgive me for demanding my own rights. Forgive me for seeking to be served instead of looking to serve those around me. Change me. And teach me how to be the wife my husband needs and the momma my kids deserve. 

A heart of Thanksgiving

    It has been several months since my last post. The post about a wall of thanksgiving. And to be honest I titled this post "Heart of Thanksgiving"  but I am not sure I am completely there. The past few months we have been learning more and more about the state of our adoption in Ethiopia. Things do not look positive. It has been over 6 months since our agency has had a referral.

    I have had many super tough days. Many days when I would pray and beg God for direction, clarity,  some kind of sign that we are still supposed to be doing this. I have looked for other options, researched, prayed over, cried over other countries, other plans. And to be honest we are still in the same boat. We do not know when or even if we will ever complete an adoption.

But here is what I do know.

1. God is the one who determines our steps.
"In his heart a man plans His course but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9 NIV

2. God can be trusted.
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8 NIV

3. I can know the will of God.
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18

   This certainly not an easy time of life for me. So much of my dreams seem to be slipping away. But if I trust in my own ideas of my what my best plans are I will surely lose my life. ( Luke 9:24 "For whoever wants to save His life will lose it, but whoever loses His life for me will save it.") So here I am stumbling, struggling, and many times failing but trying to  surrender my plans and my dreams to be faithful to my God. He is God and I am not. And while this does not always make sense I know He is good.

    Yet in the midst of this struggle I have found a deep joy.  And it came from a heart of Thankfulness. Over these past few months I have been stopping for random moments to write down what I am thankful for on my wall of Thanksgiving.  And more recently I have taken the challenge to journal what I am thankful for and to count to one thousand gifts.

    I have a little journal that I am handwriting and counting what I am thankful for. I have gotten to #148 as of today. #148 A day with daddy home. Stopping to count the moments has taught me to fully enjoy each moment. When I can stop to record something as simple as #70 The smell of tea bags it reminds that each moment is a gift. I can choose to embrace each gift as a blessing from a good God or I can reject His moments and scoff at all the gifts I do not have. I am learning. I am far from there. And I find myself falling into old routines. I find myself looking at how God has blessed others. How he has written their stories and being jealous. But when I choose instead to give thanks. To see that His will, even now, is perfect I find joy. I find peace. I find that I have intimacy with God Himself.
 
   That is the way to find joy. Not to have everything I want. But to truly enjoy everything I have. I invite you to take the challenge for yourself. What are you thankful for?

#135 A warm shower...
#137 Watching my 4 year old read a BOB book to her daddy...
#139 Restful sleep...
#141 A warm, sunny day...