Crying it out makes me want to cry

So we decided the day after Christmas we would start letting Claire fuss herself to sleep. Up until this point naps and bedtime revolved around mommy rocking her until she was asleep and then laying her in her swing. (She slept in the swing when the acid reflux was at its worst.) We decided it was time for her to sleep in a bed. The AR is under control for the most part and I am exhausted from having to put her to sleep. With Liz we allowed her to fuss for a few minutes and she would eventually fall asleep, usually without too much crying, but I never let Claire cry. I was so spooked from the AR and whenever she cried I picked her up. She is used to falling asleep in mommy's arms and most of the time settles down only for me, so I was staying with her most nights until 9:00 or so and laying her down and then if she woke back up the process began again. Some nights I was not done until 10:30 and I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired. I miss having time with my husband. I miss just sitting on the couch. I miss being able to actually get things done after the kids go to sleep. Liz went to bed at 8:00 at her age and slept all night. I know all babies are different and I am not expecting her to sleep all night (although that would be nice) I just need her to learn to fall asleep on her own. She is almost five months old and I think she is very capable of knowing this by now, but we have never given her a chance. So we started this morning. She went down for her first nap at 10:30. She fussed only a little on and off for 20 minutes and fell asleep. She woke up in 10 minutes and was totally unhappy. I wet up changed her diaper and layed her back down. By this time she was angry. And she was doing that hyperventilating cry. I went up a couple more times and just reassured her mommy is here, I love you. But she was ticked off. She cried for a little while longer and then I got her up because it was close to feeding time and I figured eating would probably do her good. She ate and stayed up for about an hour and half and then I layed her down again. This time she barely cried and fell fast asleep. I know she is exhausted. I am sure this is for her benefit and I know it is for mine, but it is so hard to listen to your baby cry and not pick her up. I know if we dont do this now she will be so much harder to teach this to later, but I still dislike it. As I sit here she has been asleep about 20 minutes and I hear her starting to fuss. Awake again. I know this will be a long process. I am praying it will be quick! I am praying maybe she get the hang of it by 8:00 pm . LOL.

Heart of Gratitude

Elizabeth has started to say thank you. She has been saying thank you in sign language for a long time and it was usually prompted by mommy or Daddy. But just in the past month or so she has started saying it completely unprompted and in the cutest way. Thank you sounds like, "Tank you." And it comes completely unprompted now. I will set her lunch down on her high chair in front of her and she will say, "tank you mommy." Or when I give her some water, or when I help her change her doll. It happens at random times and is adorable. Her gratitude is so precious to me. I wonder if God sees my gratitude in that way. I wonder if me telling him thank you makes his heart melt in the way mine does when Liz says it. I wonder if it makes him proud and I know that I do not say it enough.

The Plague and too much to do

So our family has been infected with the plague. Last week I started feeling a little sick. Sore throat, head ache. Saturday night I felt awful. The girls had sinus infections and we were supposed to go on Sunday to an indoor water park with some very good friends. We decided to tough it out and went anyway. I felt OK Sunday. We got there late because I did not pack anything until Sunday morning. Sunday night we all went to bed and I woke up about 2:00 am feeling sick to my stomach. Needless to say the next 4 hours were a blur of kneeling on the bathroom floor, laying in the bathtub, laying in bed, laying in the other bed because now this one was dirty. (There is one good thing about getting sick in a hotel, you don't have to clean up.) Finally I was able to get some sleep and slept until about 9:00 when the kids woke up. We went home early and Todd started getting sick. My brother and Heather were sick as well. We stayed with my parents on Monday night because we both were too sick to take care of the kids. Lizzie was OK until lunch time today. She was eating her mac and cheese and I went upstairs to grab something and when I came back she said, "mommy, clean up." I am not sure if she really got sick or if she simply had a lot of mucus and coughed it up. She was coughing a lot and said her throat hurt.
Anyway, life feels hectic, but when does it not. Christmas is 8 days away and I love every minute of it, but I feel overwhelmed. We have a lot left to do and very little time. We opted to not send out Christmas cards this year. I am sad because I love that part, but with so much too do we had to pick and choose and there are other things that must be done. But for those of you who would receive a card from us and will not this year, Merry Christmas! We will be doing some of my favorite traditions, baking cookies and we will start a new one this year. We are going to do a Jesus birthday party with Lizzie. It is kind of corny, but we want to remember why we celebrate. We want to bake a cake and Todd will lead us by guitar singing Christmas carols. We were supposed to do this with friends last night, but being the house of plague I am afraid we will have to do it sometime this week by ourselves.

Thankfulness

Even though thanksgiving has passed I wanted to share some things I am truly thankful for.

I am utterly grateful for my husband. He works incredibly hard to support our family. He is extraordinary as a father. Our girls adore him and light up when he is around. He is such a source of encouragement to me. He consistantly tells me he thinks I am a great mother and he is always complimenting me. He is like a shelter to me. He protects me and points me to Jesus. He is my friend, love and joy.

I am so thankful for my Lizzie. She is a light in my life. Her big smile filled with dimples and her crazy, beautiful, curly hair always make me smile. She laughs so hard and so often. She is caring and has such a soft heart. She cries when I cry or when her sister does. Her heart breaks when those she loves are upset. She loves life. She loves adventures and trying new things. She is brave and strong and so beautiful.

I am falling more in love with Claire every day. She is in such a fun stage. She has started babbling. She likes to coo and smile and even lets out huge belly laughs. She is so chubby right and I adore her big fat thighs. She is my little Roley-poly. She is so sweet and she longs to cuddle with me. There are times she is fussy and the moment I pick her up she relaxes as if to say, "ahh, that is what I needed." She is precious.

I am so thankful for my family. My mom who supports and encourages me all the time. She is constantly helping me with the girls and they adore her. My dad, who genuinely lights up when me or the girls come in a room. He really does love us so much and always makes sure we have every thing we need. My brother, who has grown into a man, a man with a big heart that melts for his two nieces. Heather, who loves my girls and will stop whatever she is doing to play with Lizzie or hold Claire.

I am thankful for my friends. I have so many. friends who I can call while they are working and they will talk with me simply because I am having a bad day. Friends who will go with me to Walmart just because I need someone to talk to. Friends who will watch my girls just so I can go to the grocery store in peace. I am very blessed by them. Sheena, Kathy, Nicole. I am blessed to have so many. I am blessed to have such genuine friends.

I am thankful that we have a warm house. Vehicles that run (mostly). Food in our fridge. Work to provide money. Healthy kids and health for ourselves.

I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful that he saved me 11 years ago. That since then he has kept me close to him. He consistantly draws me back to himself with his loving kindness. I am so thankful that he would save a sinner like me. I am thankful that he died on the cross and rose from the dead and wants to make me pure. I am not good. I am not righteouss. I cannot earn his love. I will never obey him enough and yet he loves me. I am so grateful that I can live my life knowing that truth. Jesus, I am thankful for you. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of a new life in you. Thank you for living with me day after day and drawing me back to you. Thank you for holding me in the tough times and thank you for the many many good things in my life. Thank you for wanting me even though I am not anything. Thank you for your blood that was shed and for washing my sins away. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of your prescence. Thank you.