Grief and Life

Last night Todd and I were watching something on the news and it brought me back to a point in time of absolute grief. Have you ever those moments? Moments where you are feeling those feelings so real it is as if it is happening again. I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant for the first time and Todd was in Georgia with some guys from church for a conference. I was having lunch with my mom and dad and went to use the restroom. I was spotting. I was not worried at the moment. After all people sometimes spot with pregnancies. I called my Ob and she said to come in. I was completely expecting her to tell me everything was fine. My mom drove me to the appointment and the Ob ordered an ultrasound. She said we should be able to see the baby by now and I wnet in. I progressively got worse for the next hour. The baby could not be seen. The Ob ordered a test of my hormone levels to see how they were growing, but we would not know anything for three days. I was completely hysterical as I called Todd to tell him the news. All I could manage to get out in between sobs was They... can't... see... the... baby. He could not understand anything I was saying so my mom took the phone and explained. The next three days were some of the worst of my life. I waited and cried and Todd was so far away and I could not do anything, but lay on the couch. I was ordered to have bedrest. Thankfully enough when the test came back the baby was fine and that baby is my Elizabeth. This memory got me thinking about how strange it is to me that some people do not consider a baby living inside it's mother's womb a living thing. When I was wondering if I lost her, I was not mourning the loss of potential life. I was mourning my baby. I wanted my baby to be ok. When I think of the direction our country is headed I am very sad. We are becoming more and more cavalier with the lives of our unborn. These are my thoughts about the many arguments I have heard for abortion.

"I personally am against it, but I think it should be a personal choice."
Why in that case does only one of three parties get a choice? The father of that baby has no choice. The baby has no choice. Only the mother. And why, do we allow something we consider morally wrong to be placed on the shoulders of a woman who is in a very tough situation. When a woman finds out she is pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy she is probably mentally, physically, and emotionally unprepared to face that the decision at hand. Do we place the decision to murder in the hands of someone who is angry? No we have laws in place to protect innocent people.

"If abortion is illegal, people will sill get abortions and they will be unsafe."
Again, do we allow something we consider morally wrong to happen simply to protect the safety of one life over another?

"What about rape or incest? That poor girl has been through enough, why put her through a pregnancy?"
I have so much compassion and feel so hurt by the sick people in this world who could do such things, but just because she has suffered from a dispicable sin are we justified in ending a life? Do you think for one second if she has an abortion that will erase the pain of what she has been through? And does a life become less of a life or heart become less of a heart beat because it was born of sin. No. And will that girl be healed by an abortion. No. Only Jesus can heal. And wounds that deep require love to cover them.

"What if the baby will be born into horrible circumstances- Young unwed mother, poverty, abuse?"
We would not kill a two day old baby who was living in poverty. We would take that baby and care for it. A baby born into dire cicumstances still deserves a chance to live and a chance to be care for well. Adoption is an option. There are so many loving families who cannot have children of their own.

"I could not give my own child away to someone else." (Adoption)
You cannot suffer the pain of losing your child to someone who will better care for them, so it is better to still their beating heart and not have to suffer the loss. Every woman I have ever personally spoken to who has had an abortion had said they suffered that loss tremendously and still do to this day.

This may seem very harsh as if I did not care for women. I do, but I am deeply troubled by an industry that claims to fight for women's reproductive rights and tramples on the rights of every one who is not a woman or childbearing age. I am also very troubled by the cover up that happens when a woman has an abortion. She is not cared for after the abortion. The years of trouble she has in her heart after the abortion are not talked about. The pain and suffering she experiences are said to be something only a small portion of women experience. The statistics do not back up those claims.

I am angry at the abortion industry. I am angry at politicians, but I am not angry at those individuals who may have had an abortion. I have been very close to women who have made that choice. Every one has regretted it. Every one has felt deep sorrow over what they have done. I do not judge a woman who may have had an abortion. I do not hate them or look at them with disgust. If you or someone you know has had an abortion there is hope and healing in Jesus Christ. He will heal and forgive you if you turn to him. I am passionate for the rights of unborn babies and passionate for those women who have been lied to and decieved by an idustry that is only looking out for itself. No, I do not believe that every doctor, nurse, or planned parent hood worker who helps perform abortions is a money hungry monster. I know that many genuinely believe that what they are doing is helpful. I just wish this lie would come to the light and those babies and women could be saved.

Best Friends

So we took a family trip to the grocery store this evening and Lizzie was in my cart. Claire was in daddy's Lizzie is a chatter box and talks non-stop from morning till night so I honestly blank out on half of what she says. I usually am pretty keen at sensing what things I should listen to right now. Usually anything in a shrieking voice, like "that's mine" or "no". And anything to do with poop or throw up.
Although in a side note totally unrelated to my current post, a few weeks ago we were at my parents eating dinner and Lizzie went to about 3 adults saying, "I Shrew up." I missed it the first three times and finally said, "What, you threw up." And sure enough she did on the couch.

Anyway I usually pick up on the important stuff and the other stuff I nod and say uh, huh. But while we were in the cleaning aisle she started rambling about a spray bottle.

Liz: Mommy has a spray bottle, I have a spray bottle. My best friend.

Mommy: Who is your best friend?

Liz: Mommy.

Mommy: (Floating on cloud nine and making sure daddy heard) Did you hear that?

Daddy: Yes.

I repeated the entire thing in sequence only because I was so elated.

Daddy: Yes, I said I heard.

Liz: And Daddy is my best friend... and Claire... and Jesus.

So sweet and yes most of the rambling is worth listening to.

she really does listen

So this afternoon I was busy making lunch and Lizzie decided to take almost the entire contents of the diaper bag and put them on the dining room floor. I did not notice until 20 minutes later or so and when saw it here is the exchange:

Me: Elizabeth Mary, did you go in the diaper bag and take all that stuff out?

Liz: Uh, huh. "I eat bugs."

Now to a random listener that would sound funny, but you have to know that I keep stashes of snacks in the diaper bag, just in case, and it just so happens there were bugged shape graham crackers.

Me: Hunny you cannot go in the diaper bag unless you ask permission from mommy.

Liz: Daddy?

Me; Yes you can ask daddy for permission too.

Fast forward a few hours later. I ran out to take dinner to some friends. While I was gone the following conversation occured.

Liz: Daddy, you in diaper bag?

Daddy: Huh?

Liz: Daddy, you go in diaper bag?

Daddy: You want me to put you in the diaper bag?

Liz: Uh, huh.

Daddy: You are weird.

So when I came home I was told about the question because he had no idea what she was asking. I knew right away and I told him she was asking permission to go in the diaper bag. Lizzie looked at him, smiling from ear to ear, and nodded.

How to I get her to listen that well all the time? LOL

Crazy Dream

Here is one thing I am dreaming for:

I fall asleep to the sound of quiet. I sleep blissfully and wake up at 8:15 am to the sound of quiet. As I lay there wondering why I was able to sleep until 8:15 am, I wonder aloud is Claire ok? I ask Todd, did you get up with her? He says no and then we both hear the sound of rustling and a cooing, happy, baby waking in the next room. I am elated to find that my baby slept the whole night. I would be equally elated if this happened every night thereafter. Just wishing...

Again

Best Use of my Gifts All Day

Spiritual Gifts Part 2

I have been thinking a lot about spiritual gifts and how to use them. This past Sunday our pastor taught on spiritual gifts again, but this time he talked about God given desires. How God places desires within each of us that, if we are truly following him, will bring such fulfillment and joy to our lives. This week I also read something in Oswald Chamber's my utmost for his highest.

"We look for visions from heaven, for earthquakes and thunder's of God's power (the fact that we are dejected proves that we do) and we never dream that all the time God is in the commonplace things and people around us. If we will do the duty that lies nearest, we shall see him. One of the most amazing revelations of God comes when we learn that it is in the commonplace things that the Deity of Jesus Christ is realized."

When I read that it jumped out at me. I was wondering what do I do with my life for God and all the while God was saying here is your life just do it for me. I remember being a senior in high school and praying that God would do what he wanted with my life and all the while I was hoping he wanted this for me. I was hoping to be a mommy and a wife and secretly hoping to be Todd's wife. LOL Tonight as I was reading to Lizzie before bed it struck me. I am living out my heart's desire. Praise God for planting that in me. He wants me to do this for Him and I am humbled by this call. It is so big, yet so commonplace. I have been entrusted with the hearts and minds of two precious babies and been given the opportunity to take care of Todd, who is one of the best men I know. I do not always do this well. In fact most days I am pretty sure I am only doing a good job at best, but I know that when I rely on Jesus he does this through me and I cannot think of a better use of my gifts than to serve this wonderful family and home he has blessed me with.

Snowed In

I know I am not the only one feeling it. It is generally a michigan thing this time of year. I feel so trapped. I want to go outside, play with the kids, open the windows. I would be happy just to not put on a dozen layers to walk out the door. This year I am especially feeling cabin fever. In years past I may have gone to the mall or just target to escape the trapped feeling, but it has been extremely cold for most of this winter and with both kids it is so hard to go anywhere by myself. We usually stay in unless it is absolutely necessary. So I am feeling the winter blahs and wishing for an early spring. Can't global warming at least give me that? LOL.

Spiritual Gifts

Yesterday our pastor preached about spiritual gifts. It was a very good sermon. A reminder of how all gifts were created to be used within the body of Christ and if we seperate our gift from the body it is like we are taking a chain saw and cutting off our foot. It will severely impair the body and the foot will be dead. It was a good reminder and it was nice to actually hear a sermon. We have been on the search for nearly a year for a church home and during that time it was very difficult to put our kids in a nursery. We were not even sure if we were staying at a church half the time and we did not know anyone at most places we visited. Since about October we have been going to a Life church and we are very excited about the possibility that this might be a place we can plant ourselves for more than a month. So we finally, ( we as in I, Todd was ready a while ago) decided to leave the kids in the nursery. They have gone three times and I was able to hear two sermons. (Last week I was in the nursery the whole time.) It is immensely nice to sit in church next to my husband and listen to the word of God being taught. I miss it. But back to my thought on spiritual gifts. I know that God gifts his people with special "abilities" so they can serve the body and glorify him and I thought in the past I may have known some of my own gifts, but it leads me to a thought I was having pretty much the whole time he was teaching. I was thinking about my kids. I was missing them and wondering are they ok? Is Lizzie still crying? Is Claire getting fussy? I know that the Bible is very clear about a woman's role when she is a wife. She is to love, care for, meet her husbands needs, care for her home and children. I also know that God calls all of us to preach the gospel. He calls all of us to lift up the name of Jesus. To point others to the redemption that he brought by sacrificing himself on the cross. But what does that mean for someone like me? What does that mean for anyone? Most of my day feels so mundane and far from extraordinary, how am I using gifts to glorify Him? Or is it in the mundane that he is glorified? Is He glorified by, living life connected to him even amidst diapers, spit-up, crying, timeouts? I know all of us cannot spend hours a week "serving" at church? What do you think?