Giving Thanks

    It was one of those days when a lot of what is wrong with the world was smacking us in the face. It was just a struggle. A bad day. A day that could make me sink. I started the day waking up 20 mins late. I rushed around to get everyone out the door. As we were driving in the car, I thought of how my Bible lay unopened that morning. My devotional book un-cracked. My daily Thanksgiving journal lay untouched. I hungered for that connection I get with God from those moments. But I cried out to him in the car in the midst of the chaos and kids arguing. I cried out to him and just said, "I need you Lord. Please meet me today."

    The day was hard. Hurtful words thrown my way. Kids not obeying. Deadlines looming over-head. News of friends hurting, real, raw. Kids fighting. Momma's nerves wearing thin. Plans having to be shifted and changed. Disappointment settling over the kids. But in the midst I saw His fingerprints. I saw God reaching out to me. Reminding me that He was there. He was writing my story and His plans are good. An unexpected lunch invitation. A friend helping me, right when I needed it. Daddy home to stay with kids while I make an afternoon grocery run. Watching the girls trim our Christmas tree in the kitchen. Snuggling close with girls while watching a long anticipated movie.

After the kids were snuggled into bed, books read, prayers said and kisses given. I sat alone in the living room. I watched the lights on the Christmas tree dance. I sipped a warm cup of apple cinnamon tea and cracked open my Bible and Thanksgiving journal. My heart was over whelmed with peace. Peace that is beyond understanding.

In the midst of hard God is still there. And there is good. Such goodness still.

Will you join me today and be on the look out for what your heart can be Thankful for?

Doing the next thing

I woke up this morning way too tired. I woke up this morning way too crabby. I woke up this morning with my heart full of way too much. I went over the list in my head of all the to dos for the day and the to dos for the week and it was all too much.

There is no way I can possibly be all that everyone around me needs me to be. I need to parent and disciple these two precious little girls well. I need to teach their minds and hearts knowledge and the studies of all things. I need to discipline them well and instill a heart of gratitude.

I need to be a good wife to my husband. I need to be respectful and submit to His leadership. I need to make him feel welcome and treasured when he is home and to think and talk well of him in his absence.

I need to be housekeeper and clean and organize the space we are blessed to call home.  I need to wash, dry and fold the mountain of clothes we are blessed to have. I need to create healthy and filling meals to nourish our bodies.

On top of all of these I need to make time to read God's word and pray (most important), to rest (so needed) , to exercise (Let's not even go there). I need to do these and one hundred other little tasks each day. And I want to do them with excellence.

But if I am truly honest sometimes I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. It is all too much.

So I found myself crying this morning as I was putting another load of laundry in the washer. Fighting my way down the basement stairs with arms too full and stuff falling down around me as I walked. And crying. Crying real the kind where you start to breath all huffy. Crying over laundry. And not laundry. Crying because I can't do it all. Crying because I am overtired from staying up too late.

And I stopped in the midst of my huffy breathing and gave thanks. Raw, hard thanks. Thanks for a washer that works and for the little girls giggling up the stairs. Thanks for the arms and legs that are healthy enough for the task. And I cried out to God to please help me make it through this day and the million tasks that lie ahead.

And then I did the next thing. A while back I came across a poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot that talks about when your heart is feeling overwhelmed that the best thing to do is to cast your cares on God and do the next thing. Do it with reliance on God and thanksgiving.

So I did that. I began cleaning one area at a time. First the kitchen. Moving onto the living room. Now here I am. Its almost noon. I still have much to do. And much that may be left undone. But my heart is filled with new joy.

If you are feeling a bit like I was today., I encourage you to do the next thing and do it with thanksgiving.

Monday Musings

 It was Monday. The day was long already and it was only 2 pm. I was battling an allergy headache and a soul full of crabbiness. I had given on up on the rest of school work for the day after finding one child had purposely taken her sisters "special" coloring page and "finished" it for her. I no longer had the energy. I was attempting to reassemble our house after a weekend of disaster fun. Laundry was piled high. There were remnants of playtime all over the house. Markers and crayons strewn on and under the table.  Building blocks thrown about the living room. 

 

 I am not sure what was the thing that set me off. Maybe the dirty socks that were found laying under the kitchen table. But my mouth went into full out war. I found myself saying things like, "Do you think I am your maid?" Just hearing the words come from my mouth I knew. I could see how my grasping for peace was turning our home into a war zone. 

Why do I do that? Why do I demand perfection from myself and thus place those expectations on my family? Does it matter that much if my house is perfectly in order? I know it does not. But there are moments I think it's my right to have a clean home. It's my right to have things put back the way I left them. It's my right to not have to clean up markers and crayons for the 77th time today. 

 What about my rights? 

 Mark 10:42-45 (NIV)

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

The Son of God left His rights and gave Himself up to serve. There are days that this life doesn't feel like service to God. The daily grind of making meals, teaching kids, doing laundry, dishes, and chauffeuring from here to there. This daily living is not exceptional. But I was reminded the other day while reading My Utmost for His Highest that God does not require me to do exceptional things. But instead He wants me to live my daily life in an extraordinary way. 

I admit the daily serving of those closest to me is the hardest for me. It is hard for me to respond patiently when the girls are arguing for the  millionth time today and I don't want to be referee. It is hard to respond with love to the whines of a child.  (Something about that decibal just grates on my nerves.) When I walk into a room, that was just cleaned, to find it now completely destroyed the very last thing I want to think about is serving my family with love. 

My girls only have one mom. My husband only has one wife. Our home can be cleaned by anyone.  The laundry will still be in the same spot when I get back to it. And food can be ordered take-out. But there is only one person who can fulfill the  role of wife and mom to my family. And that is me. 

I really would like to say I got over my funk and am back to being a loving mom and wife. But really, the truth is, I am all too often in that funk. I am all too often demanding my own rights instead of looking for ways to serve my family. 

Lord- Give me eyes to see how to love my family today with the heart of a servant. Forgive me for demanding my own rights. Forgive me for seeking to be served instead of looking to serve those around me. Change me. And teach me how to be the wife my husband needs and the momma my kids deserve. 

A heart of Thanksgiving

    It has been several months since my last post. The post about a wall of thanksgiving. And to be honest I titled this post "Heart of Thanksgiving"  but I am not sure I am completely there. The past few months we have been learning more and more about the state of our adoption in Ethiopia. Things do not look positive. It has been over 6 months since our agency has had a referral.

    I have had many super tough days. Many days when I would pray and beg God for direction, clarity,  some kind of sign that we are still supposed to be doing this. I have looked for other options, researched, prayed over, cried over other countries, other plans. And to be honest we are still in the same boat. We do not know when or even if we will ever complete an adoption.

But here is what I do know.

1. God is the one who determines our steps.
"In his heart a man plans His course but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9 NIV

2. God can be trusted.
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8 NIV

3. I can know the will of God.
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18

   This certainly not an easy time of life for me. So much of my dreams seem to be slipping away. But if I trust in my own ideas of my what my best plans are I will surely lose my life. ( Luke 9:24 "For whoever wants to save His life will lose it, but whoever loses His life for me will save it.") So here I am stumbling, struggling, and many times failing but trying to  surrender my plans and my dreams to be faithful to my God. He is God and I am not. And while this does not always make sense I know He is good.

    Yet in the midst of this struggle I have found a deep joy.  And it came from a heart of Thankfulness. Over these past few months I have been stopping for random moments to write down what I am thankful for on my wall of Thanksgiving.  And more recently I have taken the challenge to journal what I am thankful for and to count to one thousand gifts.

    I have a little journal that I am handwriting and counting what I am thankful for. I have gotten to #148 as of today. #148 A day with daddy home. Stopping to count the moments has taught me to fully enjoy each moment. When I can stop to record something as simple as #70 The smell of tea bags it reminds that each moment is a gift. I can choose to embrace each gift as a blessing from a good God or I can reject His moments and scoff at all the gifts I do not have. I am learning. I am far from there. And I find myself falling into old routines. I find myself looking at how God has blessed others. How he has written their stories and being jealous. But when I choose instead to give thanks. To see that His will, even now, is perfect I find joy. I find peace. I find that I have intimacy with God Himself.
 
   That is the way to find joy. Not to have everything I want. But to truly enjoy everything I have. I invite you to take the challenge for yourself. What are you thankful for?

#135 A warm shower...
#137 Watching my 4 year old read a BOB book to her daddy...
#139 Restful sleep...
#141 A warm, sunny day...

Wall of Thanksgiving.

So during one of my rough days a few weeks ago I was texting a friend and she said she was praying for me and asked if she could give me homework. "Sure", I said. Her homework was for our family to remember all the times God has been faithful to us and to write down all the things we are thankful for. I loved the idea and immediately wanted to make this something we can keep. Something that will look pretty and we can display for years to come. I scanned Pinterest but still could not find anything I really liked to display thanksgiving. Everything was specifically for the holiday of Thanksgiving so it looked a little too fallish for everyday. Then I came upon a homemade cork board and really loved the idea. So I set about to make my own cork board for thankfulness. The above picture is what I ended up with. I love it! Please do not pay attention to the dirty fingerprints on my white door. (This makes me want to clean that right now.)

Here is how I did it in case you would like to make your own.

Step 1. I purchased a cork panel from Hobby Lobby. It was around $14.00. Hobby Lobby has coupons on their website for 40% off any one item. That makes it roughly $9.00.

Step 2: I searched and searched for the right fabric to cover the board. I could not find anything I loved for under $40.00. I finally found this shower curtain at TJ Maxx for $14.99. I had a $10.00 gift card for there so it cost me roughly $5.00. You can pretty much use any fabric as long as it is large enough and is not sheer. I bet you could even find something at a Thrift Store that you can use. 

Step 3: I cut the fabric to roughly the same size as the board and used a staple gun to secure it to the back of the board. Todd helped me with this step because it was useful to have another pair of hands pulling the fabric tight while I stapled. That and maybe he didn't really trust me that much to handle his staple gun.

Step 4: I secured a piece of ribbon to the back of the board with the staple gun.

Step 5: I cut out tiny pieces of pretty scrap book paper for us to use for our things we are thankful for. And then we stuck them on the cork board with push pins. 

Here is the finished product along with the first things the kids said they are thankful for. 

Elizabeth: God helps me when I am hurt. He heals me. I love Him. 

Claire: God loves me. I love Him. I am thankful for the bunny rabbit. 

I think that alone was worth the $15.00. 

I am super grateful for the ability to remember how truly blessed I am!

Wrecked

I am wrecked. I was Internet shopping this afternoon for a little gift for a precious family who just came home with their son. I imagine to any normal person looking at adoption gifts doesn't send you into tears. But for me it did. Suddenly all the adoption books, wall art, t-shirts were not for this precious family but for me. For my son. For our family.

I never really understood, until now, how someone can simultaneously feel two feelings. I feel intense joy, and gratefulness to God for writing this precious story for my friends. I feel incredibly privileged to bear witness to God doing a miracle in the life of a precious child. I am overjoyed with them for the blessing they now have in their home.

And then I also feel longing. Longing for our call. Our picture. Our happy ending.  Longing for our story of redemption. Longing for our turn.

I am wrecked.

To say that I am coping is a stretch. I am weary. I am burdened. I am hurting.

I am not ok. Some people may be wondering why I would admit this. Why would I admit that I cry almost daily and sometimes over the silliest things. Most of the time my tears are private. Most of the time I save them for the shower or the bathroom or the car.

So how can I feel a wreck and yet live with hope?

^{Isaiah 40:28-31 (niv)}

 Do you not know Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Giving it over

So the past few days Todd and I were trying to figure out if and where we were going to do a family vacation this summer. We have gone every year, for the past three years, to a little beach house in a cute little Michigan town. We love love love this. It is a super inexpensive and low key way for our family to make some memories. So we were looking to go to the same little town this summer and the place we normally stay was mostly booked so we started looking at other options. Now this is not a big deal. It isn't super important in the grand scheme of things. But, can I tell you, my heart was in a panic about it. The act of emailing people, bargaining, and moving around dates was making me freak out. In the midst of trying to wrap up our school year, and trying to just get the other life stuff done it was too much for my brain to handle. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It really is not a big deal. But suddenly my brain was in an all out tizzy over dates and places and money and... what if the dates we want cannot be found and we will never be able to have a great family vacation filled with memories. My children will be scarred for life.

Ok, so back to reality. I took a second and had a little conversation in my head and reasoned that this thing is getting out of control in my little brain so I need some help. Now while I was looking at houses, emailing people and going out of control, my much more sane husband was doing the same thing in a much more human like fashion. So when he came home last night I said, "This vacation thing is freaking me out, so I am handing it over to you and I trust you to do the research and then when you come back to me with a decision I will on almost all accounts agree to whatever you have decided." And then I pretended to physically hand him the "vacation" box. Shew I feel better already. I literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I took something that I was freaking out over and gave it to some very capable hands.

This little exchange has me thinking about how so often while I am in a tizzy about something in my life God is already working on it. And I think He is just waiting for me to hand him the box and say I trust His decision. So last night as I lay in bed I had a mental picture of handing over about a half dozen boxes that I have been "working" on that are becoming to heavy for me to carry. And I feel better. Until I try to pick up those boxes again. So today I want to lay it all down and instead choose to carry His yoke.


Because what happens is I give Him a box and say I trust Him. But then when things aren't working out exactly like I thought or according to my time-table I pick it up again and try to make it work on my own. And that doesn't ever work out. But for some reason I keep forgetting that. And my patient and loving heavenly father continues to remind me over and over that I can trust Him with my boxes.

What boxes have been causing you some craziness? It's time to hand them over. But not to me. I have enough to carry and cannot be trusted with them.


* A little side note. Sorry the verse is coming out all crazy. I cannot make it look normal and have no patience for it right now. That box is gone.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."