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We have two great kids. One of our kids, however, tends to be a little more defiant than the other. I never realized how compliant Elizabeth was until Claire was born. I realize now a whole new standard of being tested. Claire is the type of personality that is not content to just go along with what the crowd is doing or what mommy says. She needs to test and tempt. She is, however, learning very quickly to obey. And most of the time she is very well behaved and obedient. She is a good girl.

We went to vote the other day and Todd and I had both of the kids with us. Elizabeth was quietly standing next to daddy, but Claire was grabby and curious and not doing well at standing still. Now, honestly, she is a 23 month old. How still can you expect her to be? But one of the poll volunteers made a comment about how Claire was much more testy than her sister. She was definitely testing the limits a bit more, but I was quick to tell the lady that although she was more curious than her sister, she was just as well behaved. She was a good girl. And the curious and discontent people are usually the ones ruling the world.

Claire will test the limits and boundaries in her life for sure. That is part of who she is. She is naturally bent to lead and not follow. But she will either submit to the leading of the Holy spirit and test the limits of the world for Christ or she will deny Him and test all limits. I pray she is lead by the Holy Spirit and denies the things of this world.

But I cannot choose for her. I can, however, point to Christ by example. And every time someone is quick to make a judgement about her I will be there to defend. I never want her to think she is "the bad girl".

Now, several people have made this comment to me about her in the past. So, if you are thinking you have done it, please do not think I hold a grudge. I probably do not even remember everyone who said it because I have heard it several times. I do not think bad of you for making the comment. I just want to always expect and pull out the best out of my children. And so that means I try my hardest to not allow labels to be stuck on them.

It breaks my heart when I hear parents say, within earshot of their kids, "He's got a devil side to him.", "She is so hard to control", "He is my trouble child." This is not to say that we never struggle with our kids or their behavior. Believe me, I have spent countless hours scouring the Internet with the words "how to discipline your defiant child" in my google search. I am no stranger to having trouble with my kids. I just think when we give them labels that are bad we make the bar of expectation really low. And no wonder they live up to it day after day.

I have never said that Claire was a bad girl, but she used to call herself a bad girl a lot. She would throw her cup on the floor and say, "Bad girl." Isn't it funny how they pick up on other peoples perceptions of them? (Scratch that I think I said it once because she was saying it so often, it just came out of my mouth.) I try to tell her very often that she is a very good girl. And I don't think she has said she was a bad girl in a long time. I have two very good girls, so even if you see one of them behaving a little out of the ordinary for a good girl, can you help me by reminding her of what a good girl she is? She responds really well to being reminded of how she should behave. She is, after all, a good girl.

The heart of the matter

Yesterday at church one of our staff members gave a great message. Within the message was the point about how when we parent our kids we have so many expectations about the outside. We expect them to sit properly, wear proper clothes, say please and thank-you and obey. These are all fine expectations, but sometimes we miss the heart. A child may begrudgingly say please to get the thing they want, but totally have a heart that is not thankful. The point, I think in saying please is to teach them that they cannot demand everything they want. We can change the outside behavior sometimes, but miss the heart completely.

I have thought of this before. I have felt like so many times I parent with the idea that other people are watching. Other people are looking at my kids and see how they are behaving. And I feel like their behavior is a reflection of me. I am not saying it isn't. I truly believe most of the time when young children are unruly it has something to do with how they are being parented. If you have ever watched an episode of Super Nanny you will see that most of the time it is the parents who need to learn how to deal with their kids and the kids usually learn pretty quickly what behavior is acceptable when they are taught correctly. My kids behave well when I am consistently teaching them good behavior. But sometimes they do not do what they are taught. They are, after all, human and they slip up. And those moments it is easy to feel the pressure to make them straighten up.

We have a very dear friend who lost her husband last week. In the wake of the tragedy we were trying to figure out how we can help. My best friend, who happens to be the widows sister, has a daughter the same age as Elizabeth. I talked with her and knew that she needed some clothes for her little girl to wear to the funeral. Elizabeth has a really cute black and white dress that I knew Bella would love and would be appropriate. Elizabeth adores the dress and I knew that it would make Bella smile to be able to wear it. I asked Elizabeth if she would allow Bella to borrow her dress. At first she said no. She did not want to loan it out. I tried to reason with her and tried to coax her into letting Bella wear it. I told her it would make Bella smile because Bella was very sad. She was determined. My mind was racing because I had already told my friend she could borrow it. But I felt a clear sense that I needed to allow Elizabeth to work this out in her heart and make the decision to give on her own. I could force her to give, but I knew that we do not get any value when we are forced to give something. But the times when I have willingly given to someone from my heart it blesses me more than them. So, I reasoned that even if I could not loan her the dress, I would allow Elizabeth to decide. Even if that meant I had to buy Bella another dress to wear, I was leaving it up to Elizabeth to give it.

Her decision was no. I thought about this and decided that because her heart was being selfish the dress should remain in my closet for an undisclosed amount of time. I wanted her to be free to give, but also I wanted her to understand that with selfishness come consequences. I came to her and explained that because she was not willing to give to her friend, who was in need, the dress would remain in my closet and she was not allowed to wear it. I left Elizabeth alone and a few moments later she came to me and asked if she could let Bella wear the dress. And she wanted to throw in her favorite purple and brown tights to go with it. I explained that she may give the dress still if she wanted, but we would keep the tights, as nice as a that was.

We took the dress to my friend shortly after that and Elizabeth wanted to hold it and give it to her friend. She gave her the dress and it made her smile.

I am not sure that everything I did in this situation was perfect. That is the interesting thing about parenting. We kind of learn as we go. I pray a lot for wisdom. I read a lot. I ask questions. But a lot of times I miss it. I miss what is going on in my little girls hearts. Even if they are saying please and thank-you and doing all the right things it is all for nothing if the heart is not engaged.

You see the Bible gives us a great example of a man who had it all right on the outside, but his heart was all wrong. In Luke 15:11-31 we are told the parable of the prodigal son. We have all heard the story. A son leaves his father and squanders his inheritance on wild living and then comes crawling home expecting to be a slave, only to be welcomed with open arms. His father throws a grand party in his honor. But not everyone was happy. You see he had an older brother. An older brother who did everything right. He was obedient and seemingly did all the father asked for, but his heart was missing. Because in the one moment when he should have been celebrating with his father, he was rude and hurtful and just as disrespectful as his younger brother. He was just as wrong as the prodigal son. Only he looked a lot like a "good" son should.

I fear that I will be content with children who look good on the outside. God, our father, cares far more about the condition of our hearts than if out lives are spotless. I want to care more about the condition of my kids hearts too.

And I think that will look messy. Interestingly enough, the speaker at church said, "You may see my boys walking around here sometimes saying words that do not belong in church. And that's OK with me. I care far more when they call each other stupid or jerk than even when they use a curse word. Because I care about their hearts." My kids are far from perfect. I am far from perfect. God is still working on my heart and I pray my kids allow Him to work on theirs. In the mean time when you see us we will probably be a little messy.

Jiminy Cricket

I was listening to a radio broadcast last night and I heard a pastor talking about a book he had written. It was all about lies that Christians believe. One of the truths that really hit home to me was "Let your conscience be your guide."

I have heard this many times. Your conscience, according to some, is what tells you right from wrong. It sounds good. It even sounds true. But the truth is our conscience is not to be our guide. Our conscience merely reminds us when we our going outside of what we believe is "good." The conscience cannot be the absolute truth and final authority. If it was, then why do so many people believe different things about right and wrong? Why do individuals even change their mind about what they think is right within their lifetime, if the conscience is the final authority?

We cannot let what we believe about right and wrong dictate how we behave. So many would have total peace and think it was absolutely fine to love those who love us and hate those who hate us. It seems completely justified to mistreat someone who has mistreated you. And most people would have clear conscience about such behavior.

What do we do then with verses like this...
Matthew 5:43-48 "You have heard it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect."

It is not natural to love your enemies. Well, at least for me it's not easy. It does not feel like I am doing the right thing, necessarily. My conscience feels completely justified in treating them the way they treat me.

So either my conscience is wrong or God's word is wrong. I happen to believe that the Bible is the perfect, infallible word of the living God. So, I need to believe that I cannot trust my conscience. If you also believe in the Word of God then I encourage you to mistrust yours as well. I challenge you that if you have "peace" about something that the Bible states is wrong your peace is not from the Lord. And you are obeying something other than God's word.

Neighbor

We have lived in our home for 5 years. Our home is in a unique spot. We have only one real neighbor. They live across the street. An elderly couple. They have lived in their home for over 40 years. Bob, the man, is pretty set that he wants things within our little nook to be the way he likes it. During the past 5 years we have had our share of neighbor issues. Bob does not like that our lawn is sometimes a little long. He does not like when we leave things on our porch. He has expressed to us countless times the many things he does not like that we do.
I have tried to be respectful of him. I have become pretty angry at some of the things that he does. But I have tried to be kind. We bake them cookies. We wave and say hi when we go outside. Our kids get so excited to see him and his wife and they beg to go and talk to them. I actually am pretty fond of his wife, Nancy. She is a sweet Christian woman. I have prayed with her on our lawn a few times. She bakes us goodies and brings presents to the kids at Christmas time.
But today Bob crossed a line. He came over to the house tonight. I was gone and Todd was inside playing with the kids. Todd opened the door and Bob proceeded to tell him that we needed to "shut that F***ing dog up." Todd had been playing with the kids and apparently the dog was outside. Todd said he heard her barking and that it may have gone on for about 5 minutes. But Bob was livid. He told Todd that we needed to not let her bark or he was going to sue us. This is not the first time he complained about our dog. I tend to not let her bark for a long time. But the reality is that sometimes when you have kids going outside to get the dog is not the priority. So she might bark for 5 minutes while I am changing a diaper or helping Liz go potty. Or sometimes it is because I am in the middle of 400 things at once and Riley is bottom of the totem pole. But she rarely ever barks for longer than 5 minutes. Except for the occasion two years ago, that Bob still remembers, when we were at a wedding rehearsal and we had a babysitter for our kids. The babysitter apparently left the dog out for 1/2 hour barking. Bob called us to tell us to get the dog inside. I am pretty sure that our dog barking does not warrant being sued. But anyway. I am not so angry that he "hates dogs" as he told Todd. And I am not really angry that everything we do is under his scrutiny. I am more upset that when Todd came in my girls had to ask why Bob was yelling at their daddy. I am mad that he would have such arrogance and disrespect to come to my home and treat my husband that way in front of our kids. I mad that he thinks that he has the right to tell us exactly how we should behave within his radius. I am upset that he threatens to sue us over our dog barking for 5 minutes when just a few months back he ran a skidster over our septic field.
I was reminded in my anger of the verse Matthew 5:44 "But I tell you: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (NIV) I did not feel like praying for him. I do not feel like loving him. But then Todd told me that after he came in the house and the girls asked why Bob behaved that way, Todd told them that Bob was having a bad day and then my kids prayed for him. It is so simple. And I will pray for him. And I will love him. And maybe we will make them cookies.
I feel a bit better after praying for him and after my blog therapy.

Polar Bears and Cleaning

I am not quite sure when it began. Whenever I clean the kitchen floor I take all of the table chairs and line them up in such a way to block the kids in the living room. It gets the chairs out of the way and creates a barricade to keep them from running in my dirt piles. But now for some reason whenever I create the barricade Elizabeth pretends they are in a polar bear cave. The polar bears are sometimes friendly, sometimes sleeping, sometimes very mean. We have sung them lullabies and the kids have made them dinner all in attempts to keep them from attacking.

Today I made the polar bear cave and cleaned the floor. Today the polar bear games continued long after the barricade was returned to the table. While I was putting away a basket of laundry upstairs I heard scurrying little feet. And when I came down to see what was going on I was informed that one of the polar bears attacked Claire and hurt her very badly. Claire was being nursed back to health by Elizabeth. Elizabeth held a play kitchen pot-holder around Claire's arm for about 15 minutes. I was extremely surprised that Claire sat still for that long and that Elizabeth was willing to sit and hold it on her for that amount of time.

Fast forward to lunch time. Elizabeth was doing way more playing than eating and way more talking than she should have. Elizabeth then informed me that the polar bears were coming to the table and we needed to stop eating. I told her that I had put special polar bear repellent in her mac and cheese and veggies and if she ate them the polar bears would not be able to get her.
This was very intriguing to her. She asked all sorts of question.

Where did you get this stuff?

My pocket.

Can I see it?

No it is invisible.

Is it in there?

Yes.

Is it in there for real?

Well, no not for real. But the polar bears are only pretend, so we can pretend we have repellent.

Mom saves the day again.

Michaels Part Two and Saying No

I went back to Michaels today to purchase cake pan number two and use 40% off coupon number two. I found said pan and went to check out lane. After waiting for a moment Elizabeth announced she had to pee and when I told her she needed to wait she proclaimed, "It's coming out." So we quickly ran to the back of the store to the restroom. Used restroom and came back to the line which of course had grown. We waited in line and while waiting my eye was drawn to a super cute gift card holder. I thought to myself, "I think I will get that." Immediately I used my brain and told myself, "No way. They will not win." You see I understand that the whole reason they wanted me to come back to the store twice was because I might buy more if I am in the store one more time. So I resisted the urge to buy the super cute gift card holder and reasoned that sticking a gift card in a card is much more practical. We made our purchase and I actually saved only $8.00. $8.00 is still a savings.
Then we promptly left and went to Mcdonalds where I spent $7.00 for lunch. Anyone see the humor in that? Ohh well.
I went to Mcdonalds because I read an article yesterday that said when at all possible say yes to your kids. Now, the article was not trying to turn our children into some self centered brats. It is important that we do not give our child every single thing they ask for. They cannot think they are the center of the universe. Or they will behave like that. It was simply pointing out that we as moms have to say no a lot. We have to say no for a lot of good and practical reasons. Like when my child asks if they can jump off the back of the couch. I say no because I do not want her to break her head. I say no when she wants to stay up past bedtime because she needs rest and so do I. I say no when she wants to take some toy from her sister. I say no a lot and my kids are better off for it. But, sometimes we say no without any real reason. We simply say no because we are programed in our brains to say no. Like when Elizabeth asks for the 500th time if she can paint. I say no because I don't want to clean it up. Or when they ask if they can color. I say no because I am busy and do not want to stop and find crayons and paper. I say no and do not even know why sometimes. So today I said yes. We were leaving Michaels and Elizabeth asked if we could go to the play area at Mcdonalds. I thought about it for a moment and almost said no. No because we have perfectly good food at home. No because it costs money and is not the healthiest meal. But then I did not say anything at all. Instead I drove in the direction of Mcdonalds and when we were getting close to the driveway Elizabeth said, "Mom, can we go?" I said, "I don't know hunny." And as I pulled in the parking lot there were shrieks of excitement. We went in and they played and then we ate lunch. It was fun and I am glad I said yes. Yes to Mcdonalds and no to the gift card holder. Michaels did not win today.

Dear Michaels

Dear Michaels-
I am not really angry at you. Just a bit agitated that today of all days I was serviced by the one person in your store who follows rules and would not allow me to use my two 40% off coupons at the same time. I was buying two of the exact same items. Two large sheet cake pans. The 40% off coupon would allow me to save about $9.00. I really wanted to buy both of those cake pans today. This would save me a lot of energy and prevent me from having to drag my two children back into your store on a whole other day. You see we have a lot of very important summer activities we need to be doing. Like swimming and playing and anything other than taking two kids under three into your store. I was even willing to have two separate orders, so it would seem like I was two different customers. But no. Today, of all days, the person who waited on me decided it was very important to follow the rules. More important than making me drag my children back into your store on another day. So if on the day that we return one of my children happens to break something I will not be held responsible.

Sincerely,
Return customer

(Ok, so I really would not allow my children to break something. I do try to reign then in when we are out in public. And I am not really angry. But just irked because I have seen cashiers bend the rules for customers and I was just hoping I would get one of those cashiers today. But alas I did not. God is probably trying to teach me something. Like maybe we should follow rules. Or maybe, I just needed a good laugh. I like that one better. )