Food for thought

I was just chewing on an article I read. The teenage son of a pastor (black) asks a white girl from his Christian school if she would attend his senior prom with him. She says yes but then a few days later comes back to him with tears and says her dad, "doesn't believe in that." This church going, assuming Bible believing dad doesn't believe in that.

So I am just wondering, assuming our adoption works out and we really bring home a beautiful dark skinned baby boy, will anyone be offended in 18 years if he wants to take your white daughter to prom? Or what if in 25 years he asks your daughter to marry him? Will anyone really think, "I don't believe in that kind of thing?"

I hope not, but I cannot help to think that may be something we will encounter.

And I am chewing on that today.

True Beauty

A few days ago I was looking at some pictures on the computer with Claire. We came to this one. I asked her, "Who are these two pretty little girls?" She pointed to the little blond in the pink and black (herself) and said, "This one is not pretty."

That little comment broke my heart in two. I often tell her she is beautiful. Her daddy says it too. She is not compared to her sister. We dont tell Elizabeth she is pretty more often than we tell Claire. I talk to my girls so much about what it means to be "beautiful." I tell them beauty is about more than just what you look like on the outside or the clothes you wear. I tell them the truth about what God says is beautiful (1st Peter 3:4) ..." The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I have quoted that verse to them a gazzilion times. But still she thought she was not pretty.

I look at that picture and cannot even fathom why that little three year old girl could possibly think she is not pretty. Her little smile lights up a room. Her big blue eyes and long blond hair are the things women envy. But when she looked at that picture she saw herself as not measuring up. She said her dress was not as pretty as the other girls (Elizabeth). "And no one else in our family has light hair like me." (Her quote)

This made me think about how often I have looked in the mirror and thought, "This one is not pretty." Even though my hubby tells me I am beautiful often. Even though my parents have told me I was pretty. Even though I have memorized that verse from 1st Peter. I still look at myself and see that I do not measure up. I am not as thin or as nicely dressed. My hair is not quite right. My clothes are not stylish. My makeup looks a mess. I am not as pretty as that other girl. And it makes me wonder is God looking down and thinking exactly what I thought when Claire said that. "My sweet child if you only saw yourself through my eyes you would know you are beautiful."

I wonder if it makes His heart sad too when we compare ourselves with someone else and say that we have fallen short.

Psalm 139:14
" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well."

Leaning

I had so much fun at my retreat last weekend. I came home rested and rejuvenated! And while I loved loved loved almost everything about the retreat (except the 17 hours it took to get there), I must admit it was hard to be around all these mommas who were sharing pictures of babies with dark skin and big brown eyes when my heart is dreaming of my own little guy. Its hard to hear stories of gotcha days and big ways that God provided when my heart is longing to see the end of our story. It makes the ache in my heart a little stronger and the yearning just a little more unbearable. I will admit I have been unusually teary the last week. I seriously started tearing up in line at the Christian book store because they were asking for child sponsorship and had pictures of little dark skinned babies posted to tug at your heart strings. I almost lost it and then I had to remind myself, "you are in public get a hold of yourself."

This aching is real and this longing I have for our child is hard. And sometimes when I look at all the 'facts" I get pretty discouraged. If I lean on my own understanding of the way this works out it seems impossible and like this thing will never work out well. And I will be honest, I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been looking at all the wind and waves and I have been drowning a little. But just like Jesus caught Peter when he was drowning (Matthew 14:22-33), He is really faithful to catch me.

I was having one of those drowning days on Wednesday. I was crying and venting to Todd. I love that my husband is so wise because he listened to my craziness and then he said, "God's work is done best when it looks impossible for Him to do it."

So for now my eyes are back on my God and off the waves. The view is much better here.

My heart is encouraged by these truths.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Since October

Wow. Cannot believe January is here and almost gone. I realized I havent blogged since October.

So here is an update on our life since then:

We are holding steady on the waiting list for Ethiopia. We have nothing new to update, no news to speak of but we have hope and I am filled with a tremendous amount of peace. So we wait in hope for the Lord! (Psalm 33:20-22)

We are still homeschooling but I admit with Christmas and vacations we have been a little lax in our studies but we just started phonics this week. Elizabeth is loving learning to read. Claire has up this point been interested in doing everything big sister has done but phonics were a little too boring for little sister this week so mom is having to re-work my plan a little.

In December my big little girls had their first dance recital together. Ohh my it was the cutest thing. As they step on stage Elizabeth was posing and smiling absolutely prepared for her moment to shine. But my sweet Claire stole the show by pulling her cute little tu-tu up over her head. So I was that mom who stood in the back row yelling in my calmest whisper "pull your dress down." But seriously the whole aduience was roaring with laughter at her cuteness.

Next week I am headed to Atlanta GA to join 400 other adoptive moms for the Created for Care conference. I am so excited I could burst. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I was looking forward to this conference so much but a couple weeks ago something happened that made my heart feel like this conference is more than just a break or get away. The worship leader for the weekend posted a song that she said the Lord laid on her heart for the weekend. And that song happened to be the very song God has used over and over to encourage my heart that He has been leading us. So I go forward with the certainty that my God prepared this weekend for me. And it grips my heart with joy!

In the thick of it.

I have not been a faithful blogger lately.

I have a lot of excuses.
I am really busy. With newly homeschooling our kiddos my time is extremely limited. I have to be much more intentional about what I do with each moment. It has taken some time to find a schedule that works for us. Like for instance, at first I admit I was wondering if I was ever going to find time to clean my shower again. (Not that I value cleaning my shower more than blogging. It is by far more fun to blog but there is something very soothing to my soul about taking a shower in a freshly cleansed area.) I have finally come to some sort of routine that seems to be working for us. And I even find there are a few moments where I have nothing planned that I could sit down and blog.

But then I think about what I will say. And this is where it gets tough. Do I say we are still on the waitlist? Do I say we still have 20 months until they say we could get a referral?

Do I just skip all the emotional turmoil swirling around in my head and tell you instead what the girls are being for Halloween? Not that I think its bad to blog about what your kids are dressing up as for Halloween. I will probably end up sharing that and sharing pictures because they are seriously so stinkin cute and they designed the costumes themselves.

But the truth is I long to share more but my heart aches and I am just not sure I can.

So here it is. This is me in the thick of it.

Some days and weeks go by and I barely think about it. (Well almost barely)

But there are other days and weeks when it hurts and it sucks and I just wish I knew when we were going to get to meet our son.

And in these moments I find myself leaning and flinging myself out on my God.

I read this the other day and it filled my heart with peace.


"When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say – What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God’s wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."- Oswald Chambers (My utmost for His Highest)

If I am a fool I hope it is in the sense that I trust my God and His timing impliciltly.

School is in session

Last week we had our first official full week of homeschool. It was fun. It was chaotic. And I have a few thoughts on the whole issue. One thing is I have felt completely like our family is right where we need to be. Homeschooling is perfect for us right now. It works great. I have said over and over this is what we will do until it doesn't work any more. And right now it feels like the exact place, time and thing for our family.

That being said it is hard. It is a lot of work to prepare lessons that are fun and actually teach. On top of that we still have other parts of life. We are a part of a co-op that meets once a week with other homeschool families. And that has been really fun but it has been a challenge to navigate new material. I was beginning to wonder this week if my house was ever going to recover. It stayed a mess most of this week. Part of it was new schedules and trying to get everyone and all their stuff where we needed to be this week. And my normal cleaning schedule was the morning which is now filled with school. So I am trying to figure out how to do all the things I need to in our new schedule. And how to get done all those things I planned to get done.

I am also learning that I am going to have to say no to some things. I like to be liked. I am a people pleaser so to say no to people or things can sometimes be hard for me.

But on another note we checked out a church gathering last week that is being lead by some old friends of ours. During the gathering the speaker was talking about how all throughout the old testament God would say to Israel "I will be your God and you be my people." Israel would complain and demand their own way and God would say no. "I will be your God and you be my people."

I am learning that I cannot control things. I cannot do everything. And honestly I am a little scared to death of the thought of homeschooling my kids all this year, let alone throughout the rest of their lives. But I sat this afternoon with my Bible open and thought about those words the teacher said. And I prayed that God would be my God and I would be His people.

In the end I will probably disappoint someone. I will probably not teach my kids everything they should have learned. I will probably forget something really important. I will probably forget to do something I told someone I would do. My house will not be spotless. My kids will watch tv and eat junk food. But this one thing I want to get right. I want God to be our God and I want our family to be His people. And if my kids learn that I will count it a success.

Waiting Game

August 31st, 2011. This is our official wait date. This means on that date we were added to the waiting list for our agency. We are being told that our soonest time we should expect a referral is June of 2013. Ugghhh. It seems so far away. But I know that our God has a perfect timing.

Here are some random thoughts of mine.

* God is faithful and could provide a referral sooner than that if he so chooses.

* God is faithful and if we wait two years or even more he will sustain and provide for us during our wait time.

* God has lead us every step of the way up to this point and I am not certain where this road leads but this is the path He has lead our family on. And He is faithful.

* I cannot wait to see my little guys face for the first time.

* I have plenty to do in the waiting time. Homeschooling, mothering, working, being a wife. I will be keeping busy. But my heart still has a little piece that is missing our baby boy.

*This week I have felt incredibly grateful that God has chosen our family to be entrusted with this task of adopting. This has been an incredibly hard journey and we have only just begun. But I have known God's provision, presence, and peace more throughout these past months than at any point in my life. And I can tell you with certainty that my God is faithful.

I am so filled with joy and gratitude to be able to say we are now officially paper pregnant!