Wall of Thanksgiving.

So during one of my rough days a few weeks ago I was texting a friend and she said she was praying for me and asked if she could give me homework. "Sure", I said. Her homework was for our family to remember all the times God has been faithful to us and to write down all the things we are thankful for. I loved the idea and immediately wanted to make this something we can keep. Something that will look pretty and we can display for years to come. I scanned Pinterest but still could not find anything I really liked to display thanksgiving. Everything was specifically for the holiday of Thanksgiving so it looked a little too fallish for everyday. Then I came upon a homemade cork board and really loved the idea. So I set about to make my own cork board for thankfulness. The above picture is what I ended up with. I love it! Please do not pay attention to the dirty fingerprints on my white door. (This makes me want to clean that right now.)

Here is how I did it in case you would like to make your own.

Step 1. I purchased a cork panel from Hobby Lobby. It was around $14.00. Hobby Lobby has coupons on their website for 40% off any one item. That makes it roughly $9.00.

Step 2: I searched and searched for the right fabric to cover the board. I could not find anything I loved for under $40.00. I finally found this shower curtain at TJ Maxx for $14.99. I had a $10.00 gift card for there so it cost me roughly $5.00. You can pretty much use any fabric as long as it is large enough and is not sheer. I bet you could even find something at a Thrift Store that you can use. 

Step 3: I cut the fabric to roughly the same size as the board and used a staple gun to secure it to the back of the board. Todd helped me with this step because it was useful to have another pair of hands pulling the fabric tight while I stapled. That and maybe he didn't really trust me that much to handle his staple gun.

Step 4: I secured a piece of ribbon to the back of the board with the staple gun.

Step 5: I cut out tiny pieces of pretty scrap book paper for us to use for our things we are thankful for. And then we stuck them on the cork board with push pins. 

Here is the finished product along with the first things the kids said they are thankful for. 

Elizabeth: God helps me when I am hurt. He heals me. I love Him. 

Claire: God loves me. I love Him. I am thankful for the bunny rabbit. 

I think that alone was worth the $15.00. 

I am super grateful for the ability to remember how truly blessed I am!

Wrecked

I am wrecked. I was Internet shopping this afternoon for a little gift for a precious family who just came home with their son. I imagine to any normal person looking at adoption gifts doesn't send you into tears. But for me it did. Suddenly all the adoption books, wall art, t-shirts were not for this precious family but for me. For my son. For our family.

I never really understood, until now, how someone can simultaneously feel two feelings. I feel intense joy, and gratefulness to God for writing this precious story for my friends. I feel incredibly privileged to bear witness to God doing a miracle in the life of a precious child. I am overjoyed with them for the blessing they now have in their home.

And then I also feel longing. Longing for our call. Our picture. Our happy ending.  Longing for our story of redemption. Longing for our turn.

I am wrecked.

To say that I am coping is a stretch. I am weary. I am burdened. I am hurting.

I am not ok. Some people may be wondering why I would admit this. Why would I admit that I cry almost daily and sometimes over the silliest things. Most of the time my tears are private. Most of the time I save them for the shower or the bathroom or the car.

So how can I feel a wreck and yet live with hope?

^{Isaiah 40:28-31 (niv)}

 Do you not know Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;  
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Giving it over

So the past few days Todd and I were trying to figure out if and where we were going to do a family vacation this summer. We have gone every year, for the past three years, to a little beach house in a cute little Michigan town. We love love love this. It is a super inexpensive and low key way for our family to make some memories. So we were looking to go to the same little town this summer and the place we normally stay was mostly booked so we started looking at other options. Now this is not a big deal. It isn't super important in the grand scheme of things. But, can I tell you, my heart was in a panic about it. The act of emailing people, bargaining, and moving around dates was making me freak out. In the midst of trying to wrap up our school year, and trying to just get the other life stuff done it was too much for my brain to handle. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It really is not a big deal. But suddenly my brain was in an all out tizzy over dates and places and money and... what if the dates we want cannot be found and we will never be able to have a great family vacation filled with memories. My children will be scarred for life.

Ok, so back to reality. I took a second and had a little conversation in my head and reasoned that this thing is getting out of control in my little brain so I need some help. Now while I was looking at houses, emailing people and going out of control, my much more sane husband was doing the same thing in a much more human like fashion. So when he came home last night I said, "This vacation thing is freaking me out, so I am handing it over to you and I trust you to do the research and then when you come back to me with a decision I will on almost all accounts agree to whatever you have decided." And then I pretended to physically hand him the "vacation" box. Shew I feel better already. I literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I took something that I was freaking out over and gave it to some very capable hands.

This little exchange has me thinking about how so often while I am in a tizzy about something in my life God is already working on it. And I think He is just waiting for me to hand him the box and say I trust His decision. So last night as I lay in bed I had a mental picture of handing over about a half dozen boxes that I have been "working" on that are becoming to heavy for me to carry. And I feel better. Until I try to pick up those boxes again. So today I want to lay it all down and instead choose to carry His yoke.


Because what happens is I give Him a box and say I trust Him. But then when things aren't working out exactly like I thought or according to my time-table I pick it up again and try to make it work on my own. And that doesn't ever work out. But for some reason I keep forgetting that. And my patient and loving heavenly father continues to remind me over and over that I can trust Him with my boxes.

What boxes have been causing you some craziness? It's time to hand them over. But not to me. I have enough to carry and cannot be trusted with them.


* A little side note. Sorry the verse is coming out all crazy. I cannot make it look normal and have no patience for it right now. That box is gone.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Faith enough

I am reminded over and over that my thoughts are not the thoughts of God. My ways are not His ways. It doesn't make much sense by human standards to love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43-48) It doesn't make much sense to give my life away and think that in doing so I will truly find life. (Luke 9:24) God's ways don't often make much sense to my mind. But more and more I am finding my heart being changed, renewed and made different. And I am finding that sometimes my initial response is really the thing that God wants. I am finding my "natural" tendencies are being shifted more and more to things that seem unnatural. When I am hurt I am finding that sometimes I want to respond with forgiveness and love. When I find a hopeless situation sometimes I want to respond with faith and believe that with God all things are possible. But it isn't me. I know this because it wasn't always so. And I am finding the more I lay down my will and submit the more and more God's ways are starting to make sense to me.

I had a revelation moment last night. There was something I wanted and desperately prayed for many many years ago. I longed for this thing and yet it didn't happen. It didn't make much sense in the moment. But last night I had a glimpse into what my life may have looked like had that prayer been answered how I wanted. And it was not a pretty picture. And I found myself thanking God for not giving me what I wanted. For seeing beyond my initial hearts desire and looking deeper into the real longings of my heart. I am so utterly grateful that I didn't get to choose. I would have messed it up for sure.

I am grateful for the hurt I experienced then because in the end it is better for me. In the moment that hurt did not feel good. The pain I experienced was real and hard. But I see now that it was what needed to happen. And now I can thank God that His ways are higher.

One of my deepest desires is to be a momma to many children. I know I am utterly blessed beyond measure to be able to mother the littles that I have been gifted. I know this. And I am working hard to treasure the moments I have with them. I am so thankful for them. And there are days when I am overwhelmed with them.  But I love that I get to be their momma. I feel truly privileged to be able to shepherd them into adulthood. And I long to do that for more babies. I long to have more littles calling me momma. Yesterday at Co-op I had the blessing to hold a little guy who was 10 months old while his momma was visiting his older siblings for a few minutes. Do you know what happens to a momma's heart when you long for a baby and one is placed in your arms? It is an intense feeling. A crazy tug at your heart. And my heart was longing.

And sometimes my longing heart can cause me to hurt And hurt can lead to doubt. And doubt can cause me to question the wisdom of God. I am thankful that my God is patient with my questions and loving towards my doubting heart. And He is faithful to give me practical glimpses into what my like would be like if I would have chosen my own way. And again I am reminded that His ways are better. So yesterday, while I had a glimpse of what life would be like if I would have gotten all I wanted, I also had a thought- "I bet in the end I will say that I am thankful for this hurt." And maybe someday I will hold another little who will call me momma and I will be able to say this may not have been what I would have chosen but it is much more than I ever could have hoped for.

There is a song by the band Jars of Clay it is called "Faith Enough".  I love this song. I could recite all the lyrics because just about anyone of them speaks to me but here is a snippet of what I love.

The land unfit enough for planting

Barren enough to conceive

Poor enough to gain the treasure

Enough a cynic to believe

Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction

The sun eclipsed enough to shine

Be still enough to finally tremble

And see enough to know I'm blind

And see enough to know I'm blind

                    Should the world rely on faith tonight

I am choosing today to rely on faith. Faith not in what my plans are or in what I think is best. But faith that my God truly does know what is best and have my best interest at heart. 

True Story

So here are some real life quotes heard around our house the past few days.


As we are just about to pull into our homeschool CO-OP.
Child: Mom, Why are we always late for school? All the other families are not. 
Me: That is because this is where I fail at life.

As we are eating dinner.
Child: We had this for dinner last night. 
Me: Yes I know. 

As I am bent over child trying to tie her shoes for her.
Child: You are squishing your boobs together. Followed by crazy laughter.
No reply. What do you say to a child with no filter?
Just Keeping it real people.

As daddy is giving good night kisses.
Child: Everyone has their own smell. 
(This one is stinking cute.)


Me: Don't step in the baby powder. 
So in an effort to rid of some annoying ants I have covered several areas along the wall with baby powder. It seems to be working but really how long can one keep baby powder all over their floor? I am thinking it needs to go soon but then will the ants come back right away? Hmmmm... we shall see.

Thanks for listening to my random ramblings.

And here are the quotation culprits.

On a completely separate note. I took these pictures one night after a long evening of playing together because I thought they looked so stinking cute I wanted to remember them like this forever.

Where is your house built?

A 20 year old girl said yes. She married the man of her dreams. A few weeks before the wedding she couldn't believe this was her life, a fairy tale come true. 

A few weeks later - the wedding, the honey-moon, the move to a new place, figuring out how to live on her own. Trying to work, be a wife, grocery shop, budget, cook, clean and run a home.  Figuring out how to share space and time and everything with someone else. Figuring out that you don't always like that someone else. Finding out that this fairy tale is not exactly a happy ending. Wondering if there is hope. Wondering what happened to all those happy feelings and dreams she held just a short time ago. 

A young woman, now a wife. Feeling stuck in a life she wasn't sure she still wanted. Still feeling love for this man but feeling stuck in a cycle of hurt and fighting and pain and not sure how to make it better.   Crying out in desperation to her Savior. She lays it all bare and says she doesn't want to do it anymore. She doesn't like this life. His call is to surrender. For a moment she hesitates. She knows what surrender will mean. At least she thinks she does. But she says she will. 

She lays it down and commits again to this marriage. Not knowing what the future would hold. But knowing her Savior was worth following. When she begins to give up her pain and feelings about the marriage the Savior begins to show her how much she has to learn. How she has wronged him. How much she has hurt him. How she is not always as right as she imagines she is. Slowly her ideas about him begin to soften. And she sees how much he really does love her. How much he is trying to make her happy. She begins to forgive him and to seek his forgiveness. 

Slowly she learns what it means to be a wife that is after the heart of God. She learns to respect her man and to lift him up. She learns to bring him before the Lord and to beg the Lord to shape and mold him. But along the way she realizes that more than shaping and molding him the savior is shaping and molding her. And as her heart is changed their marriage is also being changed. 

And suddenly there is hope again. Life is peaceful. Joy fills the home. Hearts are being molded and drawn towards each other. The man is surrendered to the Lord. The Lord is the head of the home and the wife is surrendered to the man and the Lord. And now the fairy-tale is a distant memory but I would not be trade the joy of the moment for any fairy-tale. 

This is my story. 

I cannot be more grateful that my Savior called me to surrender when I was at the end of my hope. I thought that being willing to stay would be mean a life doomed to that crazy cycle. But instead when I was ready to let God lead me wherever He wanted I found infinite joy. And the love of my life. I love you Todd more now than 8 years ago when that young girl said yes. We have surely had the wind and rain beat upon our house and the storms of life threaten to knock us over but our house built upon the rock of Jesus Christ remains.  Praise Him!

Matthew 7:24 (NIV) "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock."

Postponement in the Desert

A few months ago I sat at my computer desk and opened an email from our agency. I read through the email and it basically said, "Bad news, bad news, bad news, you should probably be double applying, don't put all your eggs in this basket." So I read the email. I cried, I prayed and then I told God, "That's it I'm done. I quit this. I can't do it anymore." As I was praying there happened to be an advertisement for a video game on the right hand screen of my computer. And in big bold letters flashed, "CHOOSE YOUR GOD."

That same evening with my heart hard and hurting we made our way to church. Want to guess what the message was? It was about choosing who your God was going to be. If Jesus is really going to be your Lord and master then He should be able to tell you where to go, what to do. Even when you don't want to do it. So I sat there knowing this was exactly what my heart needed to hear. And I surrendered. I gave Him my hurting heart and my will. And I told Him I would do this if He wanted me to. I didn't know how or have the strength to walk this way one more minute but He is my Lord and my God and I choose Him.

Right now I am reading the book "Hinds feet on high places." The book is about a woman named 'Much-Afraid'. In the book the Shepherd promises Much-Afraid to take her to the High Places. More than anything in the world Much-Afraid wants to go there. She longs for it. And one day the Shepherd actually takes her to begin her journey towards the High places. One day when the path takes a turn into the desert and far away from the High Places Much-Afraid calls to her Shepherd and asks Him why. She cannot imagine why this is the path and feels like it must be a mistake. This cannot be the way he is leading. This way is going directly away from her hearts desire and she does not want to go. Taken from the book- "Then he answered her very quietly, 'Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert.' "

When I read these words it is like my God is speaking them directly to my soul. I don't understand why this is taking longer than I ever imagined. I sometimes feel like a fool for going this way. Why walk through this desert? There has to be a quicker way to have a child right. I mean pregnancy is shorter. I don't get it. And I wish I had a easier and quicker way. But for whatever reason He has lead us through this desert. He has lead us to this path. And I am trying to be faithful. I struggle. And many days I feel the weed of impatience in my heart. But I know He is good and so my heart says what Much-Afraid replied to her savior.

"I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."- Much-Afraid