My crazy, God ordained, night!

    This week has been one of the toughest weeks since we began our international adoption. Nothing new or upsetting happened but my insides were a swirling mess. I have been feeling so defeated and down cast. I have been begging God to show himself to me because I felt so broken.

    This is what makes what happened tonight such a blessing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my God orchestrated every detail of this night to point  us to Himself and His faithfulness.

    I will start at the beginning. This afternoon around 3:00 I talked to Todd and he said he was most likely going to be working late. I decided not to start the dinner I had planned and make sandwiches or something for the girls and I instead. Around 5:00 he called and said plans changed and he was actually going to be home in a few minutes. A few minutes after he walked in the door he received a phone call from a friend of ours. This friend stores some of his things in our barn and wanted to know if we could drop something off to him in the next few minutes. It was kind of an emergency situation and he was not far away. So we all hopped in the car to drive the stuff over to him. Todd made the suggestion that we all eat at a pizza restaurant nearby. We had coupons for buy one get one free meals and would be out anyway.

    Here is the really cool part. We ate our meal at the pizza place and decided to go as a family into the arcade area. We walked into the arcade area and immediately a woman came up to us and commented about my shirt I was wearing. She said, "I have the same t-shirt." The shirt I was wearing was our fundraiser shirts that we sold to raise money for our adoption. I thought it was the coolest thing that someone I did not know had our shirt. So I introduced myself and told her that we were the family that was selling them to raise money for our adoption. She immediately teared up and said, "Oh my, your family has inspired my husband and I to adopt internationally." I was blown away. She shared how her and her husband have one child but have not been able to conceive another and after hearing our story they have decided to adopt internationally. We do not even know them. We continued to talk for a moment and then this is where the story gets even better. A man who was standing nearby with his sons said, "I am sorry to interrupt by I have to, my wife and I are in the process of adopting from Nicaragua. She is there now with our daughter. She has been there for two months. This has been a long process for us but I have to tell you that God cares about orphans. Our God is so faithful." My jaw literally was about to fall on the floor. And all of us continued to talk about how it was not where we had planned to be for dinner that night. But our God, who is faithful, put us all in that spot at that moment. And my heart knows that my God spoke directly to what I needed to hear from Him.

    My God is real! And He is faithful. This journey has been so much harder than I ever dared imagine. But God has been so much more faithful than I ever dreamed He would be.

Update

      It has been a while since I posted an update. So I thought I would let everyone know where we are. We have been submitted to court in DRC and are awaiting judgement. Once we receive our judgement we go through a 30 day wait period called CONA. If no immediate family members come forward to claim our little guy he will be officially our son in the eyes of the Congolese government. After CONA we will submit paperwork with the US Immigration Services and once they approve us we have a 3-6 month investigation period by the US Embassy in Congo. Once they approve everything we will be given the green light for travel and get to go pick up our little guy. So basically we do not know when he will be home. And with any international adoption there is always room for things to fall through and things to go wrong.

 To be real here. I have been "looking" at bedding for our little one. The moment we got the first phone call for our first referral I was already dreaming of a nursery. But after losing him and that huge heartbreak I am just really afraid to make concrete plans for this little guy. I seriously might be doing this little guy's nursery the week before we travel. (Ok, probably not.) I have been praying to God for more faith. More faith to trust Him even when the way does not look clear. And I think He has been granting that to me. But I also know that trusting in God means that sometimes things will not work out how I want and I need to trust Him even then. So I am wrestling with that. With how much of my apprehension is fear and how much is just plain wisdom. And to be truthful I have not gotten it all sorted out. This week God has been reminding me over and over through books and the Bible and my daily devotional that this is not supposed to all happen in my power and my strength. He is the one in control. My job is to trust Him and walk where He tells me to. He will fulfill the plans He has. I wish I was more faithful to believe that His plans are for my good. (Romans 8:28). But I admit I struggle with that.

    A couple years ago we were at a point in our adoption process where our agency (not the one we are with now) told us they may not approve us for the adoption because we did not have enough money in our bank account. I remember reading that email and feeling devastated. I cried and prayed and begged God for clarity. I was emotionally a wreck that day. I ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. I passed out from sheer emotional exhaustion and when I woke up this verse was pounding in my head.

2nd Corinthians 4:7 " But we have this treasure in Jars of Clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us." (NIV)

    God uses the broken, weak and humble things of this world to display His power. I am reminded more and more as this adoption progresses how truly weak I am. And I am learning more and more what a truly big and powerful God I serve.

    In the end, I am not sure if I will get to bring home the little baby boy I have grown to love. I am not sure if I will get to kiss his chocolate cheeks or see him in the baby boy clothes we have stored away. I am not sure if I will ever have another child fill our crib but I know my God is good and He can be trusted. So I am taking it day by day. Today is a good day. But tomorrow if you see me wallowing in the mud of doubt and tears, can you just give me a hug and offer a prayer for me? I am weak and I will have days like that!
 

World Malaria Day

     I wrote this blog February 13th. At the time the emotions were so raw we were not ready to share it. But today is World Malaria Day and I thought it was a fitting day to share it. Before you read this please know it is not about our Nehemiah that we are currently pursuing for adoption.


   "About three weeks ago I answered a phone call that changed our lives. Our adoption facilitator told me about a little baby boy that was only a few weeks old. And asked if we would be interested in pursuing him for adoption. Of course my heart burst at the seams and I said, "yes." We were told the official paperwork would follow soon. About a week later, we learned our little guy was sick and had to be hospitalized. And we were put on hold from pursuing him until he was on the upswing.

    That was about two weeks ago. During that time we have fallen in love with this little guy. We have prayed for him. We have dreamed of bedroom colors and baby things. We have asked family and friends to pray for him. We have begged God to heal him and begged God to bring him into our family. These past few weeks have been hard. We have prayed for clarity. We have asked God to make clear what He wants for us. We have asked Him to have His way. And we have asked God to do what is best for this little guy. And today we have clarity. We were told today that we are not able to pursue this little guy for adoption. And he is still sick. The truth is he may not make it.

    And that idea breaks my heart. And we are still begging God to heal him. If you want to join us in praying for him please do so. But at this time we are not able to move forward with adopting him. The situation is out of our hands. But we know He is in the hands of God."

    We think that little guy probably had Malaria. We do not know for sure. But we believe so. We have also learned that since that time he has passed away.

   God was so gracious to our family. He gave us such peace the day we found out that little guy would not make it. And the same day we learned of his fate we accepted our referral of our Nehemiah. My heart was utterly broken at the loss of our first baby. I wept so hard for his little life. He was precious to us. And still is. I hope one day I get to see his face in heaven. We were blessed to be able to pray for him and want him, if only for a short time. And honestly I am thankful we were given the opportunity. Even if it meant my heart was broken.

Malaria is one of the top 3 child killers on the planet and it is treatable and even preventable.
Check out this website if you want to learn more. And for every person who watches the trailer to this HBO Film one child will receive Malaria treatment.

http://www.malarianomore.org/pages/hbo-films-mary-and-martha

Follow the Leader

     Sunday we were surprisingly blessed with 65 degree weather. Living in Michigan, 65 degree weather is like heaven because we have been living around 30 degrees since November. Since we were so desperate for some outdoor activity we loaded the bikes and everyone up and headed to the park to ride the bike path.

    Daddy was the leader followed by the girls and I was bringing up the rear. As we would come to a part of the path that seemed impassable, one of the girls would start to get nervous and begin to whine a bit. Saying things like, "I can't do it."  I would talk to them calmly and say, "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." And then we would come up to the seemingly impassable area and said child would complete it. No problem.

    After repeating this a couple times I felt this gentle nudge in my heart. I am just like my girls. You see I have been looking ahead at some paths that seem insurmountable. There are some things, that I have been telling myself, I am not sure I can make it passed. Some parts of the road ahead look too rocky and too hard. And I have been wondering if I could make it through. It was as if God himself was whispering to me,  "Yes, we can. Follow daddy. He will lead you. Just do exactly what he does." I know something about the path that my kids do not factor into their thoughts. I would never leave them. Even if there was a portion of the path they could not physically handle, I would get off my bike and carry us all through it. The path is not important to me. But my children are. And I feel like he was whispering that truth to me. He won't abandon me. He cares for me more lovingly and perfectly than I care for my own children. Will I trust Him? Will I follow Him?

    What about you? Do you have some paths up ahead that look a little rough?

Broken

Have you ever had a day where you wish you could wash away the hurt and the pain and the sting in the shower? When the day reminds you of your brokenness and frailty. When they day slaps you in the face with your failings. When your heart breaks and you weep for those around you that are hurting too. I had that day. And I seem to be having those days. 

And on one such day I heard the most hurtful words flung from the mouth of a babe. And I hurt down deep because those words first came from my mouth. And the sting was deep. And I cried out God help me. Change my messy broken soul. Make me something more. Make my heart something that pleases you. Make this frail broken mess something that brings you glory. And I weep. And I ache. 

And I shower to try to wash away the numbness. And I cry. And I eat cookies. And I sit on the floor and have tickle fights. And I weep long in the arms of the man I love. And it still hurts. And I am still broken. 

But my God is big. And His mercy and grace are new every morning. He is perfect. He is good. He is holy. I am not. And today I can rest in the fact that His grace is sufficient for my weakness. 

And I list gifts. 

#555 cookies

#556 lunch with dad

#557 wrapping gifts with little girls

 #558 tickle fights in the floor

#559 stopping by a friends 

And joy comes still in the midst of pain. 

Some exciting news to share!

     Many of you know that we have been waiting Impatiently for referral from Ethiopia since 2010. That road has been rocky and rough to say the least. There have been lots of discouragements and not much good news to report. So I am super happy to have some good news to share with you all. Ethiopia is still rough. Our agency has not had a referral since April. We have been desperately praying about what God would want us to do. And it has been a tough decision. As many of you know our hearts were set on Ethiopia. And we have been heartbroken to think that may not happen. But God is good. And while we still do not know for sure that the door to Ethiopia is closed we are feeling a peace to apply to another country. 

     I am super happy to tell you in the thick of the rough road God has opened up a new direction for us. And I am happy to report we are pursuing an independent adoption from The Democratic Republic of The Congo. We are almost done with our dossier and I am hoping that by the end of this month we will be officially waiting! 

   What this means officially is that we are still technically on a wait list for Ethiopia. And we will also be on a waiting list for DRC. But we are not even close to the top on the Ethiopian list and it hasn't moved at all in the past 6 months. So we are hopeful that the DRC list will move more quickly. We are using a facilitator that we trust very much to find a child and an attorney in DRC.  This particular facilitator has been giving referrals to families within weeks of getting their dossier done. But our hope is to have a referral within a few months. Once the referral comes in we have to say yes or no and agree to work with the attorney who is connected with that child. If we agree we then have to pay the attorney fees/ and child-care expenses, which will total roughly $16,000.00 Once we have that in order our attorney files paperwork for us in DRC and we get a court date. After a lot of paperwork and waiting, if we pass court we will then apply for embassy dates and get to meet our child in country. This will probably be roughly 5 months from when we get a referral. And after lawyer fees, legal fees, childcare costs, flights and stay in country we are expecting to have to come up with roughly $25,000-$30,000 in the next 6 months or so. 

    So with that in mind we would love for you all to join us to help get our little guy home. 

Here is what you can do. 

    First and foremost PRAY. This is the most important. God is the one who decides the outcome here. Not us. And we know that God moves on behalf of the prayers of his people. Pray for God to lead us to the right child. Pray for God to orchestrate our paperwork and to have us ready when our child is. Pray for God to prepare us emotionally, physically and financially for this new child. Pray for God to protect our child and get him into the hands of people who will fight for him. The DRC is very unstable. The more I have been reading about this precious country the more my heart is broken for the people and the children who are in the midst of war. Please pray for the nation of DRC. And pray for God to bring redemption there. Pray. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. And let us know you are praying. We are so encouraged when people tell us they are praying for us. This process is hard. And we feel weary many days. But we are so blessed by our community that has been actively praying for us and our baby.  The people who have sent emails, texts, and calls. People who have hugged us, cried with us, let us vent. We are tremendously blessed by our friends, and family and friends who are family. Thank you! Thank-you! Thank-you! So please keep praying. 

    And if you are able and would like to support us we have a few fundraising options coming up in the next couple months. 

    Right now we are selling shirts to raise money. T-shirts, green or black S, M, L, XL are $20.00. Sizes 2XL-3XL are $22.00. Hooded Sweatshirts $30.00. If you require shipping it will be an additional $5.00. We are pre-selling shirts until December 17th. We can have them out by Christmas if we get your order by then. Contact me if you are interested. 

Giving Thanks

    It was one of those days when a lot of what is wrong with the world was smacking us in the face. It was just a struggle. A bad day. A day that could make me sink. I started the day waking up 20 mins late. I rushed around to get everyone out the door. As we were driving in the car, I thought of how my Bible lay unopened that morning. My devotional book un-cracked. My daily Thanksgiving journal lay untouched. I hungered for that connection I get with God from those moments. But I cried out to him in the car in the midst of the chaos and kids arguing. I cried out to him and just said, "I need you Lord. Please meet me today."

    The day was hard. Hurtful words thrown my way. Kids not obeying. Deadlines looming over-head. News of friends hurting, real, raw. Kids fighting. Momma's nerves wearing thin. Plans having to be shifted and changed. Disappointment settling over the kids. But in the midst I saw His fingerprints. I saw God reaching out to me. Reminding me that He was there. He was writing my story and His plans are good. An unexpected lunch invitation. A friend helping me, right when I needed it. Daddy home to stay with kids while I make an afternoon grocery run. Watching the girls trim our Christmas tree in the kitchen. Snuggling close with girls while watching a long anticipated movie.

After the kids were snuggled into bed, books read, prayers said and kisses given. I sat alone in the living room. I watched the lights on the Christmas tree dance. I sipped a warm cup of apple cinnamon tea and cracked open my Bible and Thanksgiving journal. My heart was over whelmed with peace. Peace that is beyond understanding.

In the midst of hard God is still there. And there is good. Such goodness still.

Will you join me today and be on the look out for what your heart can be Thankful for?