Postponement in the Desert

A few months ago I sat at my computer desk and opened an email from our agency. I read through the email and it basically said, "Bad news, bad news, bad news, you should probably be double applying, don't put all your eggs in this basket." So I read the email. I cried, I prayed and then I told God, "That's it I'm done. I quit this. I can't do it anymore." As I was praying there happened to be an advertisement for a video game on the right hand screen of my computer. And in big bold letters flashed, "CHOOSE YOUR GOD."

That same evening with my heart hard and hurting we made our way to church. Want to guess what the message was? It was about choosing who your God was going to be. If Jesus is really going to be your Lord and master then He should be able to tell you where to go, what to do. Even when you don't want to do it. So I sat there knowing this was exactly what my heart needed to hear. And I surrendered. I gave Him my hurting heart and my will. And I told Him I would do this if He wanted me to. I didn't know how or have the strength to walk this way one more minute but He is my Lord and my God and I choose Him.

Right now I am reading the book "Hinds feet on high places." The book is about a woman named 'Much-Afraid'. In the book the Shepherd promises Much-Afraid to take her to the High Places. More than anything in the world Much-Afraid wants to go there. She longs for it. And one day the Shepherd actually takes her to begin her journey towards the High places. One day when the path takes a turn into the desert and far away from the High Places Much-Afraid calls to her Shepherd and asks Him why. She cannot imagine why this is the path and feels like it must be a mistake. This cannot be the way he is leading. This way is going directly away from her hearts desire and she does not want to go. Taken from the book- "Then he answered her very quietly, 'Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert.' "

When I read these words it is like my God is speaking them directly to my soul. I don't understand why this is taking longer than I ever imagined. I sometimes feel like a fool for going this way. Why walk through this desert? There has to be a quicker way to have a child right. I mean pregnancy is shorter. I don't get it. And I wish I had a easier and quicker way. But for whatever reason He has lead us through this desert. He has lead us to this path. And I am trying to be faithful. I struggle. And many days I feel the weed of impatience in my heart. But I know He is good and so my heart says what Much-Afraid replied to her savior.

"I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."- Much-Afraid