Restless

My soul is restless. Now that we have the money to begin the adoption I just want to have him home. I have bittersweet feelings. My best friend is pregnant and while talking the other day she and Heather figure out that our baby and hers will probably be pretty close in age. This made me smile and made me sad. I smile because it will be fun to share a child of the same age with her again. My three year old is only a few months younger than her child. And it will be neat to watch them play together. But I was also sad. Sad because I thought about the ramifications. My best friend is enjoying her pregnancy and growing this baby. Somewhere in a country far away a woman is pregnant. She is carrying a child. She is probably filled with joy and anxiousness and all the other feelings a pregnant momma has. But she will not get to be his momma. She will not get to see him take his first steps or say his first word. She will not teach him to read or write or hold him close when he wakes with a bad dream. And although I will never meet her or speak with her our hearts are knit together. She and I will share a love for a little baby boy. A love that only her and I will ever understand. And somehow I wish it did not have to be this way. But I will be so grateful and so happy to be his mommy. And I will never forget the feelings that I have when thinking about her loss and the loss that our little boy will suffer. It is heartbreaking. So my soul continues to be restless. Restless and hurting and longing for the day when I can finally see his face and hold him in my arms. My only comfort comes in knowing that long ago God prepared us to be his family. He prepared us to be there when she could not. And I find my only peace in knowing this is what he has planned for our family.

Garage Sale

The garage sale is over. We made over $5,000.00 and I learned a few things in this process. Some things I already knew, but was reminded of once more. Here they are:

1. God is incredibly faithful!

We asked God to provide us with $5,000.00. We prayed and waited and did not try to manipulate the situation. And He provided. Not only did He provide the money we needed but everything surrounding the whole sale was orchestrated perfectly. Each day we recieved phone calls or emails from people donating stuff. It was never more than we could handle in a single day. It was always at perfect timing. He orchestrated every detail!

2. We have an incredible support group!

Thursday evening about 10 people came to our house to help set up and get this thing organized. I did not ask anyone. People simply found out what we were doing and asked when they could come over. Friday morning 9 people showed up to help. My parents, Todds mom, Todds and dad and stepmom, my brother and his fiance, my best friend, and our dear friend Kathy. My brothers fiance spent the entire day tirelessly watching our kids. There was not one moment the entire day that people were not there shopping. I had no time to even sit and definitely could not have watched the kids on my own. My mom cleaned my kitchen like a dozen times in the three days. People were running here and there and offering to help in anyway they could. My dad went to buy lunch for everyone because when I planned lunch I was only planning for a couple people. My brother was a champion at organizing. I never even realized he was so good at sorting kids clothing! But he brought order and made the sale much smoother. Todds mom worked tirelessly both days and did anything we needed. She even took the dog for a walk one day because the dog was causing chaos. Todds dad and stepmom worked early and late and on Saturday took our kids away for a fun date. They were so sick of the yard sale! My dear friend Kathy did anything needed including taking a table to a strangers house because it would not fit in the car. My best friend showed up early and stayed late even though she is pregnant and had to work each day. Todds brother and sister inlaw came and carried boxes and sorted clothing and helped us get prepped. This is only the people who helped at the sale. So many friends and family donated stuff and money! I was moved to tears like 100 times in that week. We are so blessed and could never repay any of you for your generosity and sacrifice! We love you.





3. Adoption is so beautiful!

Throughout the sale I heard story after story of families who came to shop who had either adopted children of their own or were adopted as children. Adoption is such a beautiful thing and the stories I heard are treasured in my heart. One woman came to shop with two teenage boys. After talking with her she explained that she had adopted the two boys when they were toddlers. After the family left, the two teenage boys came back and donated a tv and computer and a few other items for us to sell. They were touched by our need and gave to us from hearts of thankfulness.






Thank you Lord for providing! And thank-you to everyone who gave stuff, money or time! We are so grateful for your support!

All to Him I owe

"I hear the Savior say, Thy strength indeed is small; Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.”

I was listening to those lyrics at church this morning and it struck a cord in my heart. I have struggled and sought and have been trying to make it to the right path. I have tried to manipulate and make things happen on my own. But it was not until I said, "I don't know what to do or how this will work" that God made it happen.

My strength indeed is small. My resources are small. My willingness is small. But God is big. My God is big.

Todd and I made the decision to begin our adoption process and then we decided to wait until we had the $5,000.00 needed for the home study and agency fees. We bgan to pray that God would bring $5,000.00 our way. And we waited. About a month ago, I was pretty sad. I felt like we had heard from God. I felt like this is what He wanted, but the money was not much closer. We were saving, but I knew that we needed something other than ourselves to make this adoption happen. The whole process will cost somewhere around $20,000. So I prayed. One night sad and frustrated from the depths of my heart, I cried. "God, I thought this is what you wanted. I thought you would provide this money. But its not here." I told no one of my frustrations. Not even my husband. The very next day my dear friend Kathy told Todd she wanted to do a garage sale for us to raise money. We had not even told her we had decided to do the adoption for sure. God answered, "Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all." And I have been utterly blown away by the generosity and support we are recieving. I know that this is nothing short of the hand of God. I can never repay this debt. I can never earn it.

I am utterly thankful. From the depths of my heart. My resources are small. But my God is big. My faith is small. But my God is big. My heart is weak. But my God is big. He has paid it all. All to Him I owe.

The chorus of the song goes like this, "Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe; Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

Thank you Lord. Thank you for paying the penalty for my sin. And that alone would have been enough, but you continue to meet my needs and fulfill me. You continue to lead me and provide. Thank you for being a big God.

I just read a post on a blog from a family who has adopted 5 children. It is heart wrenching, and you should read it for yourself, http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/2010/09/while-we-wait.html. But the part that made me smile was this: "While we wait for God to provide...He waits for us to take the first step so He can."

Updates And Adoption

It has been almost a month since my last post. Crazy how quickly time flies. I have not been posting for a few reasons.

1. We had Claire's birthday party. And as much as I try to keep things simple I tend to be a perfectionist and stress about the tiniest little details. And because I absolutely love baking, I try to always make my kids some really fun birthday cake. Claire's cake was totally fun, but it probably took some years off my life with the amount of time that I spent stressing over it. It turned out great, but it was time consuming.

And I think I tend to worry too much about what my house looks like and how clean something is, so I spent a lot of time in the weeks prior deep cleaning everything.

(On a side note totally random thought, one of my dearest friends came over to watch the kiddos for me so I could suprise Todd with a random afternoon date and I totally stressed about my house being clean. Well, I ran all around that afternoon trying to clean up the morning madness and in my haste threw all the morning dirty clothes down the basement steps. The basement looked horrid, but I reasoned that there was no reason for her to see it, so I need not worry about it. Our basement is not finished and I avoid it at all costs. Now, it just so happened that on that afternoon a tornado hit our area and when we came home guess where my lovely friend and our kiddos were? The basement. I was totally humbled and she had to laugh and tell me she was totally thinking how my house could be so perfect and then she saw the basement and it evened out. Gotta love those moments.)

2. We had a great week long vacation. It was totally rejuvenating and so wonderful. We visited some great friends and spent a lot of family time. More too come about our trip later.

3. We all experienced a yucky midsummer flu bug. And some of us got it more than once. It was not pretty and not fun. No more details needed.

4. We have decided we are adopting.

We have thrown the idea around for some time, but after praying and talking Todd and I have decided to move in that direction. We are only in the beginning stages, but most likely we will be adopting from Ethiopia. One of my dearest friends, Kathy, offered to help us do a garage sale to raise funds for the adoption. So in the past week I have been super busy with trying answer questions and arrange for people to drop off their donated items. I am already super blown away by the generosity of our friends and family. I will definitely be blogging more about this in the months ahead. And will be planning to blog a little more frequently this month.

That is the short version for now. More to come.

Labels

We have two great kids. One of our kids, however, tends to be a little more defiant than the other. I never realized how compliant Elizabeth was until Claire was born. I realize now a whole new standard of being tested. Claire is the type of personality that is not content to just go along with what the crowd is doing or what mommy says. She needs to test and tempt. She is, however, learning very quickly to obey. And most of the time she is very well behaved and obedient. She is a good girl.

We went to vote the other day and Todd and I had both of the kids with us. Elizabeth was quietly standing next to daddy, but Claire was grabby and curious and not doing well at standing still. Now, honestly, she is a 23 month old. How still can you expect her to be? But one of the poll volunteers made a comment about how Claire was much more testy than her sister. She was definitely testing the limits a bit more, but I was quick to tell the lady that although she was more curious than her sister, she was just as well behaved. She was a good girl. And the curious and discontent people are usually the ones ruling the world.

Claire will test the limits and boundaries in her life for sure. That is part of who she is. She is naturally bent to lead and not follow. But she will either submit to the leading of the Holy spirit and test the limits of the world for Christ or she will deny Him and test all limits. I pray she is lead by the Holy Spirit and denies the things of this world.

But I cannot choose for her. I can, however, point to Christ by example. And every time someone is quick to make a judgement about her I will be there to defend. I never want her to think she is "the bad girl".

Now, several people have made this comment to me about her in the past. So, if you are thinking you have done it, please do not think I hold a grudge. I probably do not even remember everyone who said it because I have heard it several times. I do not think bad of you for making the comment. I just want to always expect and pull out the best out of my children. And so that means I try my hardest to not allow labels to be stuck on them.

It breaks my heart when I hear parents say, within earshot of their kids, "He's got a devil side to him.", "She is so hard to control", "He is my trouble child." This is not to say that we never struggle with our kids or their behavior. Believe me, I have spent countless hours scouring the Internet with the words "how to discipline your defiant child" in my google search. I am no stranger to having trouble with my kids. I just think when we give them labels that are bad we make the bar of expectation really low. And no wonder they live up to it day after day.

I have never said that Claire was a bad girl, but she used to call herself a bad girl a lot. She would throw her cup on the floor and say, "Bad girl." Isn't it funny how they pick up on other peoples perceptions of them? (Scratch that I think I said it once because she was saying it so often, it just came out of my mouth.) I try to tell her very often that she is a very good girl. And I don't think she has said she was a bad girl in a long time. I have two very good girls, so even if you see one of them behaving a little out of the ordinary for a good girl, can you help me by reminding her of what a good girl she is? She responds really well to being reminded of how she should behave. She is, after all, a good girl.

The heart of the matter

Yesterday at church one of our staff members gave a great message. Within the message was the point about how when we parent our kids we have so many expectations about the outside. We expect them to sit properly, wear proper clothes, say please and thank-you and obey. These are all fine expectations, but sometimes we miss the heart. A child may begrudgingly say please to get the thing they want, but totally have a heart that is not thankful. The point, I think in saying please is to teach them that they cannot demand everything they want. We can change the outside behavior sometimes, but miss the heart completely.

I have thought of this before. I have felt like so many times I parent with the idea that other people are watching. Other people are looking at my kids and see how they are behaving. And I feel like their behavior is a reflection of me. I am not saying it isn't. I truly believe most of the time when young children are unruly it has something to do with how they are being parented. If you have ever watched an episode of Super Nanny you will see that most of the time it is the parents who need to learn how to deal with their kids and the kids usually learn pretty quickly what behavior is acceptable when they are taught correctly. My kids behave well when I am consistently teaching them good behavior. But sometimes they do not do what they are taught. They are, after all, human and they slip up. And those moments it is easy to feel the pressure to make them straighten up.

We have a very dear friend who lost her husband last week. In the wake of the tragedy we were trying to figure out how we can help. My best friend, who happens to be the widows sister, has a daughter the same age as Elizabeth. I talked with her and knew that she needed some clothes for her little girl to wear to the funeral. Elizabeth has a really cute black and white dress that I knew Bella would love and would be appropriate. Elizabeth adores the dress and I knew that it would make Bella smile to be able to wear it. I asked Elizabeth if she would allow Bella to borrow her dress. At first she said no. She did not want to loan it out. I tried to reason with her and tried to coax her into letting Bella wear it. I told her it would make Bella smile because Bella was very sad. She was determined. My mind was racing because I had already told my friend she could borrow it. But I felt a clear sense that I needed to allow Elizabeth to work this out in her heart and make the decision to give on her own. I could force her to give, but I knew that we do not get any value when we are forced to give something. But the times when I have willingly given to someone from my heart it blesses me more than them. So, I reasoned that even if I could not loan her the dress, I would allow Elizabeth to decide. Even if that meant I had to buy Bella another dress to wear, I was leaving it up to Elizabeth to give it.

Her decision was no. I thought about this and decided that because her heart was being selfish the dress should remain in my closet for an undisclosed amount of time. I wanted her to be free to give, but also I wanted her to understand that with selfishness come consequences. I came to her and explained that because she was not willing to give to her friend, who was in need, the dress would remain in my closet and she was not allowed to wear it. I left Elizabeth alone and a few moments later she came to me and asked if she could let Bella wear the dress. And she wanted to throw in her favorite purple and brown tights to go with it. I explained that she may give the dress still if she wanted, but we would keep the tights, as nice as a that was.

We took the dress to my friend shortly after that and Elizabeth wanted to hold it and give it to her friend. She gave her the dress and it made her smile.

I am not sure that everything I did in this situation was perfect. That is the interesting thing about parenting. We kind of learn as we go. I pray a lot for wisdom. I read a lot. I ask questions. But a lot of times I miss it. I miss what is going on in my little girls hearts. Even if they are saying please and thank-you and doing all the right things it is all for nothing if the heart is not engaged.

You see the Bible gives us a great example of a man who had it all right on the outside, but his heart was all wrong. In Luke 15:11-31 we are told the parable of the prodigal son. We have all heard the story. A son leaves his father and squanders his inheritance on wild living and then comes crawling home expecting to be a slave, only to be welcomed with open arms. His father throws a grand party in his honor. But not everyone was happy. You see he had an older brother. An older brother who did everything right. He was obedient and seemingly did all the father asked for, but his heart was missing. Because in the one moment when he should have been celebrating with his father, he was rude and hurtful and just as disrespectful as his younger brother. He was just as wrong as the prodigal son. Only he looked a lot like a "good" son should.

I fear that I will be content with children who look good on the outside. God, our father, cares far more about the condition of our hearts than if out lives are spotless. I want to care more about the condition of my kids hearts too.

And I think that will look messy. Interestingly enough, the speaker at church said, "You may see my boys walking around here sometimes saying words that do not belong in church. And that's OK with me. I care far more when they call each other stupid or jerk than even when they use a curse word. Because I care about their hearts." My kids are far from perfect. I am far from perfect. God is still working on my heart and I pray my kids allow Him to work on theirs. In the mean time when you see us we will probably be a little messy.

Jiminy Cricket

I was listening to a radio broadcast last night and I heard a pastor talking about a book he had written. It was all about lies that Christians believe. One of the truths that really hit home to me was "Let your conscience be your guide."

I have heard this many times. Your conscience, according to some, is what tells you right from wrong. It sounds good. It even sounds true. But the truth is our conscience is not to be our guide. Our conscience merely reminds us when we our going outside of what we believe is "good." The conscience cannot be the absolute truth and final authority. If it was, then why do so many people believe different things about right and wrong? Why do individuals even change their mind about what they think is right within their lifetime, if the conscience is the final authority?

We cannot let what we believe about right and wrong dictate how we behave. So many would have total peace and think it was absolutely fine to love those who love us and hate those who hate us. It seems completely justified to mistreat someone who has mistreated you. And most people would have clear conscience about such behavior.

What do we do then with verses like this...
Matthew 5:43-48 "You have heard it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect."

It is not natural to love your enemies. Well, at least for me it's not easy. It does not feel like I am doing the right thing, necessarily. My conscience feels completely justified in treating them the way they treat me.

So either my conscience is wrong or God's word is wrong. I happen to believe that the Bible is the perfect, infallible word of the living God. So, I need to believe that I cannot trust my conscience. If you also believe in the Word of God then I encourage you to mistrust yours as well. I challenge you that if you have "peace" about something that the Bible states is wrong your peace is not from the Lord. And you are obeying something other than God's word.