Crying it out makes me want to cry

So we decided the day after Christmas we would start letting Claire fuss herself to sleep. Up until this point naps and bedtime revolved around mommy rocking her until she was asleep and then laying her in her swing. (She slept in the swing when the acid reflux was at its worst.) We decided it was time for her to sleep in a bed. The AR is under control for the most part and I am exhausted from having to put her to sleep. With Liz we allowed her to fuss for a few minutes and she would eventually fall asleep, usually without too much crying, but I never let Claire cry. I was so spooked from the AR and whenever she cried I picked her up. She is used to falling asleep in mommy's arms and most of the time settles down only for me, so I was staying with her most nights until 9:00 or so and laying her down and then if she woke back up the process began again. Some nights I was not done until 10:30 and I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired. I miss having time with my husband. I miss just sitting on the couch. I miss being able to actually get things done after the kids go to sleep. Liz went to bed at 8:00 at her age and slept all night. I know all babies are different and I am not expecting her to sleep all night (although that would be nice) I just need her to learn to fall asleep on her own. She is almost five months old and I think she is very capable of knowing this by now, but we have never given her a chance. So we started this morning. She went down for her first nap at 10:30. She fussed only a little on and off for 20 minutes and fell asleep. She woke up in 10 minutes and was totally unhappy. I wet up changed her diaper and layed her back down. By this time she was angry. And she was doing that hyperventilating cry. I went up a couple more times and just reassured her mommy is here, I love you. But she was ticked off. She cried for a little while longer and then I got her up because it was close to feeding time and I figured eating would probably do her good. She ate and stayed up for about an hour and half and then I layed her down again. This time she barely cried and fell fast asleep. I know she is exhausted. I am sure this is for her benefit and I know it is for mine, but it is so hard to listen to your baby cry and not pick her up. I know if we dont do this now she will be so much harder to teach this to later, but I still dislike it. As I sit here she has been asleep about 20 minutes and I hear her starting to fuss. Awake again. I know this will be a long process. I am praying it will be quick! I am praying maybe she get the hang of it by 8:00 pm . LOL.

Heart of Gratitude

Elizabeth has started to say thank you. She has been saying thank you in sign language for a long time and it was usually prompted by mommy or Daddy. But just in the past month or so she has started saying it completely unprompted and in the cutest way. Thank you sounds like, "Tank you." And it comes completely unprompted now. I will set her lunch down on her high chair in front of her and she will say, "tank you mommy." Or when I give her some water, or when I help her change her doll. It happens at random times and is adorable. Her gratitude is so precious to me. I wonder if God sees my gratitude in that way. I wonder if me telling him thank you makes his heart melt in the way mine does when Liz says it. I wonder if it makes him proud and I know that I do not say it enough.

The Plague and too much to do

So our family has been infected with the plague. Last week I started feeling a little sick. Sore throat, head ache. Saturday night I felt awful. The girls had sinus infections and we were supposed to go on Sunday to an indoor water park with some very good friends. We decided to tough it out and went anyway. I felt OK Sunday. We got there late because I did not pack anything until Sunday morning. Sunday night we all went to bed and I woke up about 2:00 am feeling sick to my stomach. Needless to say the next 4 hours were a blur of kneeling on the bathroom floor, laying in the bathtub, laying in bed, laying in the other bed because now this one was dirty. (There is one good thing about getting sick in a hotel, you don't have to clean up.) Finally I was able to get some sleep and slept until about 9:00 when the kids woke up. We went home early and Todd started getting sick. My brother and Heather were sick as well. We stayed with my parents on Monday night because we both were too sick to take care of the kids. Lizzie was OK until lunch time today. She was eating her mac and cheese and I went upstairs to grab something and when I came back she said, "mommy, clean up." I am not sure if she really got sick or if she simply had a lot of mucus and coughed it up. She was coughing a lot and said her throat hurt.
Anyway, life feels hectic, but when does it not. Christmas is 8 days away and I love every minute of it, but I feel overwhelmed. We have a lot left to do and very little time. We opted to not send out Christmas cards this year. I am sad because I love that part, but with so much too do we had to pick and choose and there are other things that must be done. But for those of you who would receive a card from us and will not this year, Merry Christmas! We will be doing some of my favorite traditions, baking cookies and we will start a new one this year. We are going to do a Jesus birthday party with Lizzie. It is kind of corny, but we want to remember why we celebrate. We want to bake a cake and Todd will lead us by guitar singing Christmas carols. We were supposed to do this with friends last night, but being the house of plague I am afraid we will have to do it sometime this week by ourselves.

Thankfulness

Even though thanksgiving has passed I wanted to share some things I am truly thankful for.

I am utterly grateful for my husband. He works incredibly hard to support our family. He is extraordinary as a father. Our girls adore him and light up when he is around. He is such a source of encouragement to me. He consistantly tells me he thinks I am a great mother and he is always complimenting me. He is like a shelter to me. He protects me and points me to Jesus. He is my friend, love and joy.

I am so thankful for my Lizzie. She is a light in my life. Her big smile filled with dimples and her crazy, beautiful, curly hair always make me smile. She laughs so hard and so often. She is caring and has such a soft heart. She cries when I cry or when her sister does. Her heart breaks when those she loves are upset. She loves life. She loves adventures and trying new things. She is brave and strong and so beautiful.

I am falling more in love with Claire every day. She is in such a fun stage. She has started babbling. She likes to coo and smile and even lets out huge belly laughs. She is so chubby right and I adore her big fat thighs. She is my little Roley-poly. She is so sweet and she longs to cuddle with me. There are times she is fussy and the moment I pick her up she relaxes as if to say, "ahh, that is what I needed." She is precious.

I am so thankful for my family. My mom who supports and encourages me all the time. She is constantly helping me with the girls and they adore her. My dad, who genuinely lights up when me or the girls come in a room. He really does love us so much and always makes sure we have every thing we need. My brother, who has grown into a man, a man with a big heart that melts for his two nieces. Heather, who loves my girls and will stop whatever she is doing to play with Lizzie or hold Claire.

I am thankful for my friends. I have so many. friends who I can call while they are working and they will talk with me simply because I am having a bad day. Friends who will go with me to Walmart just because I need someone to talk to. Friends who will watch my girls just so I can go to the grocery store in peace. I am very blessed by them. Sheena, Kathy, Nicole. I am blessed to have so many. I am blessed to have such genuine friends.

I am thankful that we have a warm house. Vehicles that run (mostly). Food in our fridge. Work to provide money. Healthy kids and health for ourselves.

I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful that he saved me 11 years ago. That since then he has kept me close to him. He consistantly draws me back to himself with his loving kindness. I am so thankful that he would save a sinner like me. I am thankful that he died on the cross and rose from the dead and wants to make me pure. I am not good. I am not righteouss. I cannot earn his love. I will never obey him enough and yet he loves me. I am so grateful that I can live my life knowing that truth. Jesus, I am thankful for you. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of a new life in you. Thank you for living with me day after day and drawing me back to you. Thank you for holding me in the tough times and thank you for the many many good things in my life. Thank you for wanting me even though I am not anything. Thank you for your blood that was shed and for washing my sins away. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of your prescence. Thank you.

Right Thing

I am not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I did it and if the situation happened I would probably do it again.
Here it is:
We were in the mall tonight celebrating Elizabeth's 2nd birthday! Daddy just took Claire to change her and Lizzie and I were enjoying ice cream. Next to us were a group of three or four 12-14 year olds. Two girls walked by and one of the girls said" Nice hair, not, ha, ha" And all 4 proceeded to laugh. It made me angry. I went over to the girl who said it and said, "you did not have to be mean, some day you learn that it is not nice to be mean to people." She said, "I wasn't." I told her. "Don't lie to me, I just saw you make fun of that girls hair. Someday when you grow up you will regret it. It probably really hurt that girls feelings." "I am sorry." She said. "Don't apologize to me, you should apologize to that girl you made fun of." Now the rest of the time her and her friends sat there. they whispered and gave me dirty looks. When the got up to leave, I said, "If you have something to say to me you can come over and say it." They did not. I am not sure if it did any good, but I hope that girl and maybe her friends will think twice before making fun of someone again. I know where my anger stems from. From years of being teased as a kid. The funny thing is I saw one of the girls who teased me heavily in junior high a few years back. She gained about 75 pounds since then. Inside I was happy. I should not have been. Or maybe it was not me being mean towards her, just maybe it was a feeling of happiness because maybe now she feels what I felt being teased as a kid. Not that I wish that upon anyone, but I want for the ones who tease to understand that it hurts. To understand that we all have flaws and some people have a whole lot more when they are 12. I still remember being 12 or 13 and walking on the bus to taunts from girls, "Look how ugly she is, look at her makeup." The girl I saw who gained the weight was the one leading that group. The thing is now I would never call her ugly. Not in a million years. In fact if we were to become friends I would probably tell her how pretty she is. Not that I am anything good. Not that I am any less sinful or wretched, but I think that having survived years of hurt makes me more sensitive to the hurts of others. I hope for my girls that they do not have to endure the teasing that I did as a kid, but I hope for the sake of their own hearts that they are sensitive to others. If my kids ever tease someone like that I pray that I find out, so I can beat them. And maybe they will not have to gain 75 pounds to know how it feels to hurt. Maybe they can learn from a young age to seek out the outcast and broken. Is that not what Jesus did? I pray that I do that and my kids as well.

Clean House

I think I have come to the conclusion that my house will never be clean. Today I was trying to do some organizing and here is what happened: While I was taking Claire's newborn clothes from her dresser and filling the dresser with bigger sizes (Fast Huh?) Elizabeth was happily taking every toy we have upstairs out of it's place and also taking her shirts from her dresser and trying to wear them (as pants.) So, we finally finished with that and it was nap time for Elizabeth. Claire and I went downstairs and I got her to sleep. I sat with her for a good 20 minutes mostly because it was really nice to sit and then I tried to clean. I wasn't feeling great today so I did not get much done. And I really only had about 45 minutes from the time I laid her down until she ate again. Later after naps and dinner were over the kids and I were upstairs. Todd was working on something in the barn. (A shelf for Elizabeth) I was trying to put away laundry. I no sooner got all Elizabeth's clothes and hangers put away and she starts bring all my hangers into her room. I am not trying to complain. Just lamenting. I really would like an organized, clean home. But I am sure some day ,when my kids are grown, it will be and then I will miss it. I will miss the handprints on the glass door and the food stuck to the curtain behind Elizabeth's chair. I will miss the baby socks that seem to get tucked into everything and the sight of Elizabeth wiping Claire's face with a bathroom towel because she spit up. (It really is funny to watch a two year old do that.) I probably will not miss both kids having a poopy diaper at the same time while I am trying to put clothes away, but I know I will miss a lot. So for now, if you come over and there are blueberries on the floor from snack or if the layer of dust is really thick just know I tried, but really not that hard because it really is more fun to sit and watch Rudolph with your baby for the first time or to build a fort in the living room. And there will not be too many more years where they will want to do that with mom.

_By the way thought I would add: Funny, I used to clean houses for a living. LOL>

Potty Training

Today our family was doing some shopping at Target and Elizabeth and I went into the bathroom. She tried to go pee, but did not. When she was done I sat down and peed and when I got up she said, "yeah, momma sticker." We have been rewarding her with stickers for putting pee pee in the potty. I have not been pushing her just asking sometimes and letting her try. So, at least she gets the concept, in theory! And I know with time she will get it! I just thought that was so cute.

Specialist Update- 2 weeks late

We saw the GI Spec. on Halloween. She seemed pretty positive and was hopeful that Claire would outgrow this acid reflux situation. She wanted to put her on a new medicine, which we started Sunday. Since Tuesday morning she has had such an upset stomach that she will hardly eat. One of the side effects is nausea. And this medicine still did not stop the choking.The doctor has taken her off the medicine, but she still has no gotten completely over it. She was a bit better this morning. I guess the doctors want to try a new medicine the next time we go in. We have another appointment on Dec. 2. Someone asked us the other day if it felt like she was three months old yet. And we both said yes. This really has felt like one of the longest three months of my life. I dont want to wish away her babyhood, but I do long for her to outgrow this.
On other matters:
Todd is up north and we are not sure when he is coming home because his truck is broke down. We are staying with my mom for help and sanity. She is extremely helpful! But we miss daddy! I am so blessed to have the husband I do and with him gone I realize it so much!
Good news though. I have lost 13 pounds this month! Which makes me so excited. I still have 16 to get down to prebaby weight. And I want to lose more after that! But one day at a time!

Hope Won!

I have to say first of all that many of my ideas were sparked by listening to Christian talk radio today and in the days leading up to this election.
Okay so first of all my title of this may be deceiving. No I do not support Barack Obama nor am I elated that he was elected president of the USA, but I was doing some cleaning this afternoon while the kids were napping and flipped on Oprah in the living room. Of course Oprah is ecstatic that Obama won and she was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Hope Won". It made me kind of sick to my stomach. Now I know people are excited and this is a historic moment in time. A black man finally being elected president, but to me it seems like something deeper is going on. Last night as we were watching the news and the election was finally called for Obama they flipped to a rally being held in Obama's honor and I saw people sobbing. Sobbing, from my point of view, probably not just because the first black man was elected, but because this man was elected. It seems like Obama worship to me. I think back to this long election cycle and remember hearing a news paper columnists actually write that Obama was her personal Jesus. It seems like people think Obama is the hope of our world. And that is sad. I genuinely think that his policies and values will take America further down the tubes and that we would have been better off with John McCain as president, but that is not why it is sad to me. What is sad to me is that many people miss the real hope of the world Jesus Christ. Obama is not the hope of the world. Hope did win, but not last night. Hope won over 2000 years ago when Jesus Christ hung on a cross and was resurrected from the dead. Hope will win in the end, but not because of Barack Obama or any policy changes he will make. Hope will win because Jesus Christ will return to this earth and come for his bride, the church! I was very down earlier today and was reminded by listening to Bob Dutko on 103.5 FM of the fact that my hope is not in this world. My hope should be and should remain in Jesus Christ. And he will always win!

a little more normal and various life details

So my sweet little girl has gotten back to normal. Sunday was the last day of the crazy, make her nuts, medication and since Monday she has been napping well and sleeping in in the morning! Yeah! This makes life a bit easier. Claire now is going through the worst of the cold and slept only about 15 minutes today until 5:00. For two months old that is not good, but she gets off the crazy, makes my kids not sleep, medication tomorrow. So hopefully she will be back to normal soon. This week has been a little hectic in our family and when things are busy or when mommy has a lot to do Elizabeth likes to get in to things. Tuesday morning I was trying to send an important email and I looked up and Liz was coloring on the door. LOL. But Monday morning we did not have a lot to do, so after Claire fell asleep for her morning nap Liz and I read books and played together. I used to get to do that a lot more before baby number 2 arrived. So it was nice to enjoy my little girl and I think it was really nice for her. She seemed much more attentive to me and able to obey for the rest of the day. And I found myself laughing and having more fun with her even into today. Now if only I had two hours every day to play. Wishful thinking, but I will take it when it comes. I really do have a great little girl. She is a lot of fun!

I am looking forward to Halloween. Liz is going to be a monkey and Claire is a bannana. They are so cute in their costumes! We also have Claire's specialist appointment on Friday. I am hoping we can get something figured out.

Other than that life has just been crazy. I did recieve a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband today! With two Sunflowers tucked right in there. (My favorites) He has a way of cheering me up when things are nuts. I am grateful for him!

Life in choas

So today was one of those days for me. It started with a doctor appt. for claire. Not fun, but made tremendously better by the fact Lizzie was with my best friend. You have to love a friend who calls and insists on watching your kid just to help you, even though she has a yucky cold, which she will most certainly pass on to her children. Thanks Sheena! After that home for naps and rest for mommy. Lizzie did not nap. She is on a medication for a cold that makes her extremely hyper and needless to say she sat in her bed two hours today and did not sleep one wink. I went in a few times to check on her and kept telling her, "You need to sleep sweetie." Well, she did not and our day went accordingly. At 4:30 I talked to Todd and mistakenly interpreted that he would be home soon. (Yeah) Well, at 5:30 I called again and was told he was not even leaving for 20 minutes. I had been telling myself, "it will be over soon. Daddy will be home and he will help and life will be better." Dinner was almost done. Lizzie was running around like the drugged up kid she is and I was on the brink. Well, when he told me he was not leaving for 20 more minutes I broke down. I immediately told him I had to go. I was not mad at him. It really was both of our faults. He did not give me all the info about what he had to do until he came home, but I also should never assume. So, when I hung up with him. I just cried. I sat there holding Lizzie, stirring taco meat, crying. We made it through till dad came home and when he came home mommy had to leave. I just needed some alone time. It got me thinking. Life is often made up of these moments. And I appreciate so much when other moms, normal, healthy, good, moms let me know about those moments in their lives. Often when I am in those moments I feel like they will never end and like I am such a mess. And like my kids are going to be scarred and turn out horrible. But then I see other families and I realize that despite the chaos things really can be ok. My kids, thankfully enough, have the option of having their messy lives redeemed by the God who created us. And I am ever grateful for that and for the chance I have to turn to him as well. I left the house and cried in the car. I cried and prayed and went shopping. And when I came home I felt better. I have to say that when I walked in the door the house was clean, dishes done and Lizzie was bathed. That did help with the feeling better part. ( I have an amazing husband.) But it helps me to remember I don't have to be perfect. God loves me and Jesus Christ can redeem my broken chaos. For that and for weight watchers ice cream I am leaving you grateful!

Family

Today we went to church with our family. It was so nice to spend the day with them. It was my parents, my in-laws, my brother in law and his lovely girlfriend, Shannon, my brother and his beautiful girlfriend, as my daughter affectionately calls her, High-Ya (Heather). It was so nice to go to church and worship and then have lunch with them. It made me think about how blessed we are to have people who love and adore our kids almost as much as we do. I am so grateful for them. My father in law and mother in law are just fabulous with our girls and today had Lizzie cracking up by scooting her back and forth on the table between one papa and the next. And I cannot say enough about how wonderful my parents care for our girls. And they both totally light up when Nana or Papa enter a room. Lizzie today saw her uncle Erik and could not wait to say hi to him. We don't get a chance to see him and Shannon a lot, but when we do she loves it. And my brother and Heather, well who would not love an uncle and High-ya who shake their butt with Lizzie to the hokey pokey. We are incredibly blessed and I am so thankful that our girls will grow up being so loved. This list of course could go on and on about people who care for our girls, but I thik you get the picture! Thanks for loving our kids!

Oswald Chambers

I have been doing Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest Devotional for the past year. I am amazed at the depth of insight and spiritual truth I gain from one short page of reading. It is so challenging to me. Our family has been on the church hunt for about a year and I have to admit, sadly, that most days I am far more challenged by that 2 minutes of reading than I have been by a sermon in a long time. Today's devotional was about prayer. A big point was how we often think of prayer as preparing us for service, but prayer is our service. I am not setting out to bash any church or to look down on an of the churches we have visited. I still believe that the church is the bride and body of Christ and does in general do some great things in our world, but I do think that somehow as a collective church body we have missed the mark a bit. I see and hear people being asked to serve and see sign up sheets to serve in every church, but that point about prayer and our connection with Jesus being our service is often overlooked. I have a friend who pours her life out in service to others. She has served our family over and over and serves dozens of other families all the time. Just last weekend she surprised us on a Saturday by bringing Chilli and a beautiful pot of mums to our home. (Anyone with young kids knows how helpful it is to have dinner all ready for you!) She is such an example to me of a woman of God and she constantly overflows from her own connection with Christ. But I know she is not "serving" on any church projects. She simply overflows from her love of Christ. And it blesses so many. But I know that some pastors would and have commented about her lack of commitment to the church. I want to overflow like she does. I want to love Jesus like her and to love others like her and if by doing so I never again "serve" in any formal capacity I think that would be ok. Don't get me wrong I do think people can and should use gifts that God has given them and if that means you serve in a church then do it. But why create programs that people don't want to lead and beg for leaders of them? It has led to some very unhappy church workers and probably some very poorly lead programs. I want my connection with Christ to be so real and so deep that he overflows from my life into my family, into my home, into my friends, into my community and into my church. I think when people are deeply connected with Jesus He will place the right people to lead the right programs. (If they are needed at all.)

Acid Reflux

My youngest daughter (2 months) has severe acid reflux. It seems odd for a baby to have such a thing, but she does. And it does not just cause discomfort. She has these episodes where she chokes on the reflux. She often turns purple and gasps for breath. The first time it happened she was 3 days old. My husband and I did not know what was happening. Thankfully enough he took charge and stuck a bulb syringe in her throat and sucked it out. I called 911 and panicked. Since then it has happened 9 times. We have been to childrens hospital and are currently awaiting an appointment to see a GI specialist. The acid reflux really changed the way we live. With my first daughter she slept in her own bed in her room from ther first few weeks. She learned to fall asleep on her own pretty quickly and was sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. I never let Claire sleep more than a few feet from me. Unless I am wide awake and have the monitor. Also because of the discomfort she does not sleep well in her bed. She wakes up every hour or so if she is flat on her back. We even tried elevating her matress and it does not seem to help. So she sleeps in her swing. It makes me worry all the time. I want her to learn to sleep well on her own, but I am also desperate for her to sleep, so we resort to the swing. Also because of the reflux se sometimes cries for no apparant reason, simply because she is uncomfortable. It is amazing how different one child can be from the next. I thought I really had things figured out after Elizabeth, but Claire is a whole other story. This afternoon we were driving home from Walmart and Claire started choking in the car. I cut across traffic and pulled into a parking lot to get her out. I am not sure what is going to happen and I am scared for my baby and I am overwhelmed. I worry about everything. What if it happens when I am in the shower or something? I also worry about her becoming attached to the swing or not learning to fall asleep on her own because she never has to. She is almost always sleeping with me next to her. I wish I could talk with someone who has experienced this. I know a few people who have had babies with acid reflux, but I have not heard any say there child experienced the choking. I just am lost as to what to do and what to expect from her. Baby books will tell you not to let your child fall asleep in the swing and to let them learn to fall asleep on their own, but what do I expect from a baby who is in pain and uncomfortable. I cant just let her cry it out. And I am not sure if she will ever outgrow this. I really am at my wits end.

The wonder of a child

Today our family spent the day with my best friend's family to celebrate her birthday. They have two kids about the same age as ours, so it is usually very fun and very crazy when we all get together. We went to a place called canterbury village. It is a really fun little place that has a bunch of shops and alot of christmas type things. It is amazing to me to watch my daughter experience something for the first time (or second or third.) The place was decorated with huge characters all over. Elves making larger than life cupcakes. Knights guarding fake castles. Just really elaborate over the top things and her eyes light up to see them. And it makes me remember before we had her. We would never have spent 20 minutes by the snow white story. We stayed there simply because the kids wanted to watch this 3 minute skit over and over. We would have missed it probably. It makes me wonder and what else I would miss without them. I would probably not have found that snake in the backyard this summer and if I did I would have run, not stayed there simply because I dont want to teach her to be afraid of my fears. I definitely would have missed playing in the mud puddle in the back of the driveway. I would not watch sesame street or know all the songs to elmo in grouchland by heart. I would not appreciate "bedtime" nearly as much. I am incredibly grateful that for this moment in time I can see the world like a child. In 15 years or so I am sure the wonder will not be there. I am absolutely sure that I will go back to not seeing snakes or playing in puddles. But I hope that I gain something for having been through it. Tonight when I was putting Elizabeth to bed , we were reading her bible and talking about Jesus. We were talking about how God sent Jesus to earth to die for our sins. She said "heart, heart" I said yes Jesus can live in your heart. She said "Mama heart, Dada heart" I said yes Jesus lives in mommy and daddy's heart. She said "Own heart." I said he can if you ask him to. Would you like to ask him. She said "uh, huh." Then I said ok we can. You will understand more when you are older, but pray to Jesus and say live in my heart please. She said. "Jesus, heart, please." I want to have that. That heart of a child. And honestly I do want her to understand more as she grows, but in some ways I think she knows more now than she ever will. She simply wants Jesus. I pray she always will and will serve him even when the world clouds her vision and she has so many other choices. I am incredibly grateful I can see the wonder of God in my beautiful little girl and I want to want him the way she does. Simply want Jesus. Jesus - heart- please.

New to this

SO, I am new to the blogging world, but it seems fun, so why not give it a shot. I am using precious baby nap time for this, so I hope this ends up being worth it.